Ursula always sets up a wonderful energy around us before each session which I feel really helps me relax on this journey.
During this session I really felt how important that step is because when I'm seeing these parts in pain or distress - having that beautiful calming step in the beginning helps me also feel kindness and love towards them when facing these dark parts. I have been a little angry or afraid with the dark parts - but slowly with practice I am now feeling intrigue and compassion for them.
At first we spoke of the anxiety that has been still coming and rising to the surface either when I'm feeling good, or of course when I'm stretching myself a little bit.
Ursula reassured me this is very normal. She praised me for all the hard work I'm doing - again - reminding me this is hard work. She said of course the bully parts (the bully older brother) wants to try harder to scare little Rebecca. He has been using his tactics for so long - and now they aren't working all the time. He figures he needs to kick up his game. But she noticed I'm getting better at talking back to him.
She was impressed how she noticed I'm using my "tracker" part who can watch the "meanies" and the dark voices. She says know I'm listening more to Rebecca - my true self. She noticed I'm able to sift through it a little better. Progress - even small baby steps - is progress.
I talked about my fears about getting better. What does this mean? What expectations will others have of me? What expectations do I have? There is so much work ahead. When I look at it like that the small steps lose their value.
She reminded me growth is growth. I don't have to push myself. She said actually pushing yourself too hard causes resistance. Nice and easy. She said let it flow. Pull back when you need to. She said to pull back just to see how far I've come. She said it's important to let anxiety know we are safe, we are working slowly, and we are working all together.
She wants me to take that precious time to acknowledge all the hard work I'm doing. Enjoy going for a small walk. Enjoy going for a little longer walk. Stepping outside. Getting up. Reminding myself to take a deep breath. I'm trying to take the time to give myself credit for doing the self healing work.
I began to get really tingly during and after the session. But really tingly when I started writing notes about the session. Ursula said that's a good sign the energy inside me is moving around. I like that image.
Two parts showed up during this session.
A blues singer with black hair. She had a dark brooding side - with a passionate wounded heart. ( I thought of Amy Whinehouse.) This part showing herself liked to hide in dark bars, felt so much pain, and she wanted to mask it any way she could. She knew she had an addiction to anxiety and numbing the pain. It was interesting too that she came up - because Ursula talked to me about some parts (anxiety and drama) being like addicts. They only know pain. They want to hide from the pain. They can't stop attracting themselves to the pain. But their wounded kind hearts really don't want the pain any longer - but they have become addicted to it - as a way of life. These parts were getting a high from feeling anxiety. It isn't a happy high. But they freeze up and the fear that runs through their body, like a drug. It gets in there and does its thing. But this part, she liked to sing her pain out. She just didn't want to be in this dark bar feeling so sad all the time. She wanted to accept her pain, move past it, and do something more positive with it. She felt embarrassed because she feels like everyone is looking at her and that makes her sad.
Another part - a sad part as well - came in the image of a more snobby and put together woman. She was drinking mint juleps. She was Southern. She looked down on the blues singer. She felt she was flawed but no one had to know, at least she could hide it. She had her drinks. She could keep her shame and disappointment from others. She didn't like how exposed and dirty the blues singer looked. This made the blues singer felt her and it hurt her feelings.
Ursula said we should invite them to talk to each other - with kind voices. I said, yes. It felt like they had so much in common and I felt once they talked they could be friends and support each other. I could feel them agreeing with me.
Ursula suggested we upgrade the bar the blues singer was in and the mint julip lady was happy. So was the blues singer. Ursula said she could feel the dingy bar with sticky floors and drug addicts. She felt the blues singer didn't need to be in that environment any more. So I conjured up a beautiful bar, with dark beautiful wood - very clean and classy. Both of them were very happy with the results. They didn't have to feel guilty about their feelings. They didn't have to hide. They could talk and relate. They deserved a clean nice place and a new friendship with each other.
Look at that! These two characters living in my subconscious and they figured out being human - having and experiencing sadness, anxiety and pain is nothing to feel ashamed about - but support and love was necessary to move on.
We talked about how shamed I have felt and how frozen I've felt that I created these dark parts and the dark world of anxiety. I've felt this has been my punishment. I don't know what I exactly did that I would deserve all this punishment. It appears my mistakes, errors, and misjudgments have been human. I've tried to repair them as much as possible. But still I have this struggle to forgive myself and love and like myself with all of this going on.
During the session when emotions come fast and strong I felt myself becoming sleepy. I almost fall asleep. I'm very aware that this is a part of me that gets intimidated by the work. I will tell Ursula so she knows we need to remind that part - it's safe to discuss this stuff. We are going slow and with love.
We slowly asked the blues singer and the mint julep lady to release their wounded feelings. All the sadness, shame, angry, jealousy, etc - could now be released so we could all heal together. We took the time to tell them yes it will take time to recover. It's ok. But now we are working together with more love, tolerance and compassion and according to Ursula we can face that all of this pain might be some kind release for pain that has been carried in my family for generations. She felt I'm here to feel all of these feelings and face it through all of these parts.
It was wonderful because Ursula spoke to them about bringing out their creativity to heal. I love that word. It's such an inspiring uplifting word because so much can happen when you begin to create a way to heal through words, art, and communication.
Lately I've been wrapping my arms around myself when I begin to feel overwhelmed. This is new for me. I've been suggesting to friends to try this too. When I begin to spiral or become really anxious I just sort of either hug myself or give myself a light rub on the arms and say, "It's ok. What can I do? It's ok. It's ok to feel."
It really was an awesome session. I really got tingly. I got even more tingly as I began to write about the session. My energy was bouncing throughout my body, mind and spirit.
I felt two women inside of me - from two different lifestyles and invited them to come together to heal and relate. I would love to see more of this in the world. I realize we are all unique and different at times. But we all do have a common core mission (I feel) and that is to connect and relate with each other, right? I mean, why not? I guess you can spend time comparing and judging each other. I've done plenty of that. Or.....(and I'm doing more of this) you can find things you like about each other. Things that inspire you. Things that maybe you wouldn't do but you can honor and compliment someone else for doing them. The real deal - is doing that for yourself first. I really believe this is necessary. It is the running theme in my book Mental Girl. I needed the reminder. Love yourself. Spend time liking yourself. And then - you have this practice inside of you and you can do it for others. In this case, these two different intense sensitive women - who had something in common - now became friends. I saw them holding hands, laughing and hanging in this beautiful classy bar. We talked them into being together instead of being mean to each other.
As we do this work I feel Ursula and I hand in hand. We are working through this process as a team and she tells me she benefits just as much as I do.
I'm so thankful for these sessions and Ursula's amazing ability and talent to guide me through every step of this healing work.
This was one of my favorite sessions. It was like watching a whole movie. These two characters in the bar were very detailed and personalized. I could clearly see what their attitude about life was and how they got there. I don't blame them at all. I really don't blame most people for their behavior. I know, all too well, emotions drive behavior. Emotions are created based on experiences. That's also where most of our beliefs come from. We are either taught that life is such and such or we come to our own conclusion.
That's why it's so important to talk with children and ask them what they think or feel about situations. Most of our internal set up comes from before age 9. It's amazing. I am a youth minister. I like teaching children about spirituality and making good choices in their life. Here I am working with inner children, helping them heal old ideas.
Speaking of old ideas. Why would Rebecca have a couple of drinkers in her system?! More and more scientific studies are proving that trauma get imbedded in our DNA and get handed down for generations. Doesn't it make sense that guilt, shame, and secrets would also be stuck in there? Those secrets, they can brutal, because what I have seen happen is it skips a generation, like blue eyes, grandparents to grandchildren. So if grandpa was a cheater, then son or daughter is having a happy normal life and all of a sudden their children are sneakers and off they go ruining everything.
I love my work. These sessions are so helpful, it's the best use of my life, what we can do in one hour is incredible. Lifetimes of garbage can get cleaned up, people can breath again, and future generations won't have to suffer from these things. I do a considerable amount of prayer and meditation. It keeps my human parts out of the work and let's energy flow through me. I am super blessed that I can serve in this manner.