Wow, I did not expect any of this. ANY of this. I didn't expect to receive a gift as wonderful as Ursula to help me through this intense work. I didn't expect that doing this work would reveal the monsters under the bed, the skeletons in the closet, and the anxiety to ROAR it's ugly head so fucking loud - it's almost deafening. I also didn't expect Ursula to not only be very talented and skilled at her gift, but for her to be able to help me sort, sift and face this VERY hard work.
The sessions have gotten harder and harder, more stuff coming up - and basically I'm fucking scared.
We started this most recent session with me opening up in all my raw, honesty that I feel I'm falling apart. The panic attacks have been so strong, making me feel like I'm being pulled under. I worry about everything. I worry I'm going to die. I worry I've done everything horribly. I've worried my anxiety ruled for so long, I'm doomed. I feel so bad my son has had to deal with me and my anxiety. Worry, worry, sinking despair, panic attacks....and more monsters!
We talked at length about the searing pain all this is causing. We talked about how scared I am that I've ruined everything. But then Ursula reminded me that I'm here - doing the work - nothing has been ruined. Yes, there has been damage. Yes, there are consequences to face. Yes, there are changes to be made. But I'm here. I'm still here. She spoke with loving words telling me I've done the best I can in every moment. The fact that I care, the fact that I'm doing and feeling and trying to move forward is a good thing. Again, life can be rocky at times. But it doesn't have to be all gloom and doom. She was encouraging to tell myself not to cover up in shame, disappointment, doubt and fear.
We began the session and she asked for each dark part to come forward and reveal itself.
Anxiety - Came forward as the figure of Cali. The Indian God who looks scary - lots of arms. She just scares the shit out of me. I was guided to take her and shrink her to the size of a small figurine and stick her on the shelf. I was guided to tell her, although, yes, I have allowed her to run the show, make decisions - I was to tell her I want to change that. I do NOT want her in charge anymore. She rattled, screamed and yelled - and I kept shrinking her.
Shame - Came forward as a bully. Like the bully from childhood that made me feel so uncomfortable about my body and who I was. I was guided to tell her to leave. She wasn't helping. She was mean. She wasn't saying anything nice. The things she was saying weren't true.
Doubt - Came forward as a squashy whiny weird looking fellow. He was annoyed and frustrated. I was guided to tell him, I do recognize that he wants to help. But that he couldn't be in charge of every decision either.
Blame - Came forward as a snooty looking person, rubbing their chin - and looking all AHA! Just loves pointing out flaws and casting blame. Lots of criticizing. He was told to quiet down as well. He didn't help anything. He was mean and again - didn't come packing a lot of facts.
There were so many emotions swirling and stepping forward. I was guided to talk to them all. Look - I understand you feel you have had a purpose and protecting me. But you aren't protecting me. You are hurting me. I was guided to pull forth a protector. Ursula called him the Tracker. The image that came forward was an anteater. I was guided to speak with the anteater about tracking these mean characters when they come up - sniffing them out - and the scooting them out
During the session - as the different parts came up - I found myself getting overwhelmingly tired. I hadn't felt in other sessions. But I did remember feeling that in the past when things got "too much". My body would just start to say, "Nope. This is too much. I want to sleep." I was guided to send that tired feeling away - to tell that tired feeling - this wasn't too much. Nothing was going to happen - except to speak with the different parts and work on using healing tools to deal with them. The tired thing happened several times - and maybe it was anteater who shook me awake - but I never fell asleep during the session.
Throughout the session I would feel hope. I would feel calm. I could hear Ursula - very clear, very direct and very firm. It was soothing and comforting. This kind of work is not instaneous. It's been a long time that I've had intense anxiety - letting anxiety, shame, blame and doubt run the show. They aren't just going to go because I have had an epiphany. I have to keep working. I have to keep talking to them. It doesn't feel easy at all.
We ended the session with thanks. I was exhausted.
The following days after the session - I still have had intense panic attacks. I'm still trying to talk to the parts. They are loud! Those fuckers! But I managed to get myself out of the house, take my son to hang out with his friends, ride these VERY intense panic attacks, go to the doctor to speak with him about the weight I've lost and the pain that I'm in. I want to make sure my body is ok. I've managed to get to the market to get some good stuff to help put the weight back on. I managed to reach out to friends and family and say help! The voices are loud! I need backup!
Friends, family and Ursula are here. My doctors have been wonderful.
Okay....rocking waves. You can rock me. But I've got backup!
And from Ursula in written word and audio.
Hello again Rebecca,
I am so proud of you, I am smiling ear to ear at your bravery and honesty.
Cali is spelled Kali. You are so welcome, you are doing great. Even though you having panic attacks, you are being proactive, that is fierce, you are winning the battle!
Can you see the power? Can you see the bravery? I am in glee that Rebecca is coming out from under the covers and saying "Okay all you boogie men, out with you, I am ready to face you, line up!"
When we give our power away to the non-loving parts of us, we feel that they are in charge and we have to be victims to that. These mean parts are embedded from negative experiences and usually family members who didn't understand that their family dynamics were being handed down generation after generation and they forgot what it was like on the receiving end.
People who are highly sensitive have so much trouble living in the average harsh world. People who are thick skinned can dish it out and take it, as if it was normal, have not idea what it's like to be sensitive. They are the ones that call sensitive people weak, cowardly, push overs. When the sensitive people find their voice, they come from such a beautiful sweet place, so deeply loving and kind and generous, that the thick skinned people of the world feel like the weak ones, the feel like brutes and bullies.
The key to coming out of fear is to find our voices. Then the power can come out. The first thing to say, is "I am here, I count. I may be a certain way and that's okay. I am alive and I matter too."
The deal with being a sensitive person is that safety tends to be a big factor. If we don't feel safe, then all bets are off, why in the world would we stand out or speak up or ask for what we want?! Yes, there are family dynamics, but even with conscious parents, the rest of the world doesn't seem safe.
With sensitivity comes awareness and creativity. When we are sweet and innocent in our approach to life, we see people can be dark and bad things can happen. Our hearts are broken over and over, it can be a Hallmark commercial or the major loss of a loved one. No wonder sensitive people feel like they are on survival mode all the time. As if that is not enough, many sensitive people are the creative types too. That comes with a whole set of parts in and of itself. Being creative has highs and lows, a tendency for addiction to try and buffer the harshness and balance the highs the lows, imaginations that can take them completely out of the agreed reality, a need for escape and they get overwhelmed under certain circumstances. If they don't have a creative outlet they can get depressed, violent, angry or shut down.
Can you see why panic attacks would be a part of the big picture?
Panic attacks are real. The experience is very real, it all happens inside, the imagination gets all excited and takes people for a ride, activating the cortisol and adrenaline levels, probably leaving folks exhausted afterward. It's horrible. Rebecca is beginning to stand up to these parts that torment her. She is facing them, telling them that they are handing her a pack of lies and she knows it, they can't fool her any more. That's powerful. Next time we may be able to talk to them more personally and find out why they are harassing her in the first place. Believe it or not, they usually are under the impression that they are protecting her. I know, the deeper we go, the more it doesn't make sense to the mind. That's okay, stay tuned and you will begin to see how the inner world works.
Interesting enough, the Goddess from the Hindu teachings is Kali, she is the Goddess of Destruction, destroyer of evil forces, to be more exact. She has a place in each of us, but in Rebecca's situation this "friend" has turned against her. Rebecca doesn't even know who this character is and look! I love that in this session when she is facing her tormentors, there is Kali, first one out!
She is having the panic attacks and she is still moving forward like a Warrior, moving forward even though the enemy is trying to shoot her down, she is fighting for her rights, for her family for her peace!