I am not spending time making my blogs perfect. I can't write now. I don't think they need to be. I'm raw. I'm open. I'm scared. I'm trembling. I'm in it. This is real fucking scary shit. My mind is all over the place. It's as if I've been storing all this shit in a garage. I just kept shoving fears in and closing the door quick. But then I realized I want more out of life than to be scared of myself. So I got gutsy and opened the door. And BOOM! All the fucking scary monsters and thoughts came pouring out of me and fell right on top of me.
I have been trembling so much, eating is a challenge. I've gotten very thin. I'm panicking every morning. Sometimes through the day.
I want a fix! But there doesn't seem to be a quick fix. I have to sort. I have to be patient. I have to be honest. I have to try and stir up bravery and courage to go through this shit.
I've gone to doctors to make sure I'm all right. So far, tests show I'm ok. But I need to eat more. I need to calm down. I can't do this alone. I know I need help.
I'm calling out for everyone to help. I call out friends, family, and caregivers. I'm honest with healers and helpers. I hope this works.
I've been put on a dose of meds to calm down a little. Even my holistic healers agreed, there is no need to be this frightened and making myself ill.
I start tomorrow with another doctor to help tame the anxiety so I can find the REAL me underneath it all. That's the goal. Where is Rebecca? Where is the girl I know I really am? Because I'm afraid this afraid, mentally unstable girl is the real me. So I ask and I ask and I ask again to friends and family and they say NO! The real you - we see - with her light and her strong spirit.
I will try to blog as much as I can. I will try. But I hope as I trudge through the woods trying to understand what is happening and make friends with the monsters - or at least tell them they don't need to be here. They don't need to protect me or scare me so I hide anymore. I hope to do this. I make forts through out the day in my mind when the pressure builds. I lie down if I have to. But I'm a mom and I have responsibilities and it pains me that I can't just snap out of it for my beautiful son who watches me in pain.
To those with mental challenges, know this - lets make forts for each other. Let's meet in the woods. We can do this together. I hope I can help in any way I can. I hope I make it through this and I will be able to help others get through the woods too. So many are helping me. I have friends near and far right now reaching out, writing to me, sharing their stories and their pain. They help me feel less alone. That's the key. NO ONE should feel alone here. NO ONE should feel unworthy.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it helps you too.