It was a beautiful session with Ursula. When I say beautiful, I need to state here, that a lot of intense stuff came up. But doing this work with her, having her guide me so gently, kindly and with so much support is a beautiful experience.
We spoke of all the fears that have been rising since we started. I didn't expect to be dealing with this much intense emotion so quickly.
When we went in and began our work we spoke to the little girl who was nervously biting her nails. She was terrified. We broke it all down. She was feeling shame, scared, nervous, hopeless, and ashamed. She wanted to know, "Why is this me? Why I am different? Why can't I be normal?" This was hard work talking to her. She was really scared. I'm really scared. And I want to be there for her AND me.
I was really looking forward to finding Rebecca (strong Rebecca). We spoke to her. The real Rebecca. Yes, I saw her before me, thin and nervous....but here. She was standing next to the young, nail biter, ready to work with her; be her support and guide.
I got to stand imagining the young me and the strong Rebecca and throw out what no longer serves us.
Ursula guided a lot and spoke more in this session than me. It was as if she knew I needed to hear her words. I was so glad we were in sync. She guided me through my emotions carefully, slowly, calmly and with so much assurance to come out from my hiding places.
I grew up in a unhealthy environment gathering fears and insecurities. There is no blame. No one's fault. Everyone did the best they could. They just didn't know how to deal with all of it either. My fears were never dealt with. I didn't feel normal. So I came up with anxiety to protect me. I am wired differently than others. No one really knew how to deal with it. Again, they did the best they could with the knowledge and experience they had at the time. But now, I have to deal with it and it is very scary.
Now I'm older and this “anxiety protection” no longer serves me. I've been around a while with experiences and people who tell me I am loving, caring and compassionate. The people around me now are telling me how wonderful, kind, funny, spirited, sweet and good I am. Growing up, I didn't feel I was these things.
I was guided me to remember who I am. That I am going from a chaos state to healthy one and this takes time, patience and love.
I am to be consistent with a healing program. I need to recover from the stress and be good to myself. I am working on setting up a plan – so my body can begin the healing process and head toward thriving and feeling good about myself.
I am working on daily mediation, taking herbs, getting acupuncture, and any meds (with the supervision of doctors) I need to keep calm. I am calling on all help – any help – to help me grow and remember who I really am.
I was guided to keep things simple – yet remember when the anxiety shows up – I can remind it – nope – we aren't doing things like that anymore. We are doing things differently.
As I heal – as I progress – I hear the rumblings and challenges of anxiety. Again, it feels it was protecting me and thinks all the what ifs keep me safe.
Well NOW I want to be safe using my own language, my own experiences, trust in life; trust on myself and create a happy, loving life with my family.
I don't need to use anxiety to figure things out. I can now use love.
I pray using all the tools I have at my disposal (which I am thankful for) and keep moving forward. I can get through this. I want to get through this. I know that. The real me, the real Rebecca, knows this....and I'll just keep reminding myself.
Ursula's feedback from this session:
In this session, Rebecca turned a corner. She is so much clearer now. Before we started, she said, "I remember my real Rebecca."
That's our most real self. It's the truest version of who we know ourselves to be; when we feel most natural and free to be ourselves, when the people we are with love us unconditionally, and are actually interested in what we have to say next.
For myself, as a kid, I remember playing, unsupervised, with my cousins on their farm, or cruising my neighborhood on my bike alone, riding in the middle of the road in the early evening as the sun was setting. We feel great when we feel that sense of freedom and power to just be.
When Rebecca said she recalled her real Rebecca, it means that she is not overwhelmed by all the other parts. They were calm enough to let her see the light of day. Sometimes our parts will take over so much that we forget who we are. They crowd our mind and pull our emotions in so many directions. It's unkind and exhausting. When we do this internal work, it's as if we are holding too many cards in our hands and don't know which one to pull next. We feel pressured to play the next round and don't know how to even play the game! This work allows us to just stop, make all the players and pressure go away and lay out all the cards and look at them. It creates space and time in our inner world. We can talk to the parts that seem like troublemakers and get them to calm down by listening to them and negotiating something better for the whole system.
I know it seems backwards, how could anxiety possibly protect?
Anxiety has a ton of energy. Anxiety is the opposite of shutting down. When we feel scared or threatened, our system knows it's not safe to shut down, so it opts for ramping up. Survival. What a way to go, chaos all around and anxiety seems to just match the energy instead of become consumed by it. See? Now it makes perfect sense.