I called a tree service to do some work. It was a big and very expensive job. I've used the service before so I was hoping to feel as content and happy with their work as the last time they were here. I wasn't. Several things were NOT to my liking. They broke things without telling me, including a hose in the front yard (they left the water running - gallons of water were wasted), one of the workers went to the back of my yard (they weren't doing work there) my guess urinated, they broke stepping stones, left trash in the yard, filled up our recycling can with trash, and to top it off left without telling me that our electrical mount on the roof (which holds the major house electrical wires) was pulled out. Needless to say, I was angry.
Ursula was great. She validated my feelings, telling me all of these feelings were perfectly understandable. She wanted me to focus on empowering myself. I was fearing retribution from the workers, combativeness, or....that they wouldn't give a shit to my feelings if I complained. I had texted the owner already and he didn't show a willingness to take responsibility.
Now one thing I did do - I'm so proud I listened to my instincts - I have withheld his check. I am waiting for my electrician to come and fix it before the tree company receives their full payment. I feel really good about this. I'm planning on paying for the service but not for the electrical work because of the damage done.
But what about all these feelings? Wooosh! They were coursing through my body.
We went in to do subconscious work.
The image to pop up - strong, loud and clear was a girl doing a kung fu low punch kick to the ground. I called her Shazam. I couldn't find an exact image but I found this one online that I included here with this blog, because I think embraces how I feel about her. She is defiant, tough and sexy. She is not afraid to be herself. She was mad. She wanted to punch and punch hard. She is a tomboy kind of girl. I could see her, her anger and her frustration was pulsating.
The next image, to my surprise, was the face of my my ex husband. I didn't see that coming.
I began to cry. A memory came forward. We were on vacation with him and his family in a cabin. We were all playing board games. We were laughing. I remember his brother was getting annoyed that he wasn't winning. I called him out on it. His brother got mad at me. We got into a little verbal match. When my ex husband got me in the next room, he yelled at me. I had embarrassed him with his brother. He was angry and yelling at me. Here is where the memory began to hit hard for me and I began to cry more. I remember sitting across from him at the table. It didn't feel fair. His brother was rude to me! I remember getting frustrated and saying, "You look like you want to hit me. Go ahead. Hit me." Well, he did.
"So you invited it", Ursula said. I was so sad. I felt shame.
This is where the work gets intense but so valuable and rewarding. Ursula wasn't saying I deserved it. What she wanted me to explore was the invitation I gave to my ex husband to hit me. The image of Shazam, in my subconscious, was furious. She wanted to punch him. Instead, with the young vulnerable me, the rage of Shazam running its course, - I yelled out "hit me."
We went deeper into the memory slowly releasing the intensity and pain. I spoke to both Shazam and my younger self. It was a good thing I didn't get physical and hit my ex husband. It wasn't good that I gave permission either for him to hit me. I could clearly see, looking back, I didn't want to do that. I could also see I didn't deserve to be assaulted. I didn't properly give my anger love and attention and ended up making a rash decision that hurt me.
So now it was time for self forgiveness. Now was the time to let all that hurt and pain to come forward and to be released. The anger, frustration, shame, disappointment, hurt and sadness - I let it go. I looked at my younger self and said "that will not happen again." It was as if my younger self wanted forgiveness. I said to my younger self, "Oh I'm here for you now. I'm here to work on these issues now. But we will take the time to remember that feeling - and be clear - NO ONE will ever be invited to wound me again."
We continued to step into the feelings. I've always felt shame for who I am. I have felt if I'm not someone else - if I let the real me out - I won't be validated and liked.
All of the sudden, rising from the surface, came another image - my sexual part. Standing there feeling shame because of decisions I made in the past to have sexual relations with people. But also at the same time, I looked like I wanted to feel confident. I made those decisions. Okay, some were wonderful, others were disappointing.
We went round and round - one by one - looking, examining and honoring all these parts. I could see how they were all connected. I could see the fear attached that if I stood strong and tall - I would be punished. Well, something happened. I punished myself.
Now? I've made a decision to become, embrace, respect and love ME!
Ursula guided me to form a conference with my parts. It was so interesting. Several years back, when my mom had a stroke, I was really struggling with fear and sadness - I didn't know if my mom would survive. I remember, and I speak of this in my book Mental Girl, where I formed a committee. It was a loving group of people who reminded me it's ok and they would be there for me. They got me through it. I picked people who I admired and respected and put them in the committee.
But here, with Ursula, doing this work - the step up from that - is that she says form it out of your best self. That committee is YOU. All of YOU. All working together to make the best decisions for me, my healing, my growth and includes the love I deserve to have for myself. How beautiful!
I saw it. I saw a solution. It was to hold a time out when I'm overwhelmed with anger, sadness, or confusion. When things get overwhelming, the energy is coming so fast, and I'm feeling strong intense feelings - BEFORE reacting quickly - I want to hold a time out. A time out to get clear. A time out to get centered. A time out to love myself. A time out to take deep soothing breaths. A time out to make clear concise proactive steps forward towards a solution which will be empowering and healing. I am very sensitive. I feel so much. Sometimes I can't distinguish my emotions and someone else's. They all get jumbled. So the emotional and physical time out is excellent for me so I can get centered and empower myself.
She encouraged me to talk to my sexual side. No shame or embarrassment. I am a sexual being. There are so many things I can do for myself that would nurture this side. I can do this now. The past is the past. There was nothing wrong with any of it. But to move forward, I am to now romance myself. I can flirt with myself. I can fulfill my sexual needs on my own. There are so many ways to fulfill and nurture myself. It's my turn to embrace that.
My young self, Shazam and my sexual self seemed very pleased to engage in the time out and the increased self love and self acceptance.
This was a very empowering session. I felt like we came full circle. I am trying to figure out what works for me, taking steps forward to embrace my fears and also let go of them to try new things.
However, there are times when I'll be given some advice, and it may not work for me. That's my intuition talking. There are times, I do feel clear that fear is holding me back. I can use the time out to figure out- is it intuition or fear? Both will require confidence, courage, connection and clarity.
The work here has been encouraging me to let it all out, flaws, strengths - all of it. Look at it. Own it. Love it. The real me is coming out - slowly and surely. But I'm proving to myself - I'm here to do the work.
I ended the session so warm and tingly. I love that feeling. It's a beautiful feeling - because it means the session was filled with soul exercise.
This session is quite profound.
It's age-old too.
The traditional battle between the sexes. One aspect is the fear that women have about men physically overpowering them. Men are typically bigger and/or stronger.
We don't have enough conversations about how women are constantly walking around in fear. We have to negotiate and manipulate in order to get our needs met, in spite of the fear. We negotiate and manipulate ourselves and others.
Old, old stuff here, from the beginning of time, I would imagine.
Shame is one of our lowest vibrations. Shame, blame, self-loathing, suicidal feelings; those are at the bottom of the barrel. Why? Because they have power over us when they really get going. We can barely think for ourselves when we're under siege with one of these emotions.
Let's take a look at that whole scene with the ex-husband and Rebecca.
One big aspect of that confrontation is that her ex-husband was choosing the brother over her. When we are a wife, a daughter, a girlfriend, we expect safety and protection to be provided by our man. When they turn on us, it greatly increases the fear factor.
While the game was being played, Rebecca felt empowered to call out the truth. I don't know about you but every time I say the truth, it ups the ante to see if people will push back or will accept it. It's usually never a question if the truth being spoken is true...because everybody knows the truth when it is spoken. So if you are a truth-speaker, you have to keep an eye on whom you're telling the truth to!
Just because it's true doesn't mean it's popular, favorable or enjoyed.
And when people don't like what truth speakers say; there are consequences. Many people throughout time have paid mercilessly for speaking the truth.
This scene re-triggers all of those feelings.
See, we carry a collective consciousness that we don't even know; it's a sub-context conversation that carries on throughout generations.
As if all of that is not enough, the next emotion is shame. Shame did not allow Rebecca to sit down in front of her angry husband, take a few breaths and calmly ask why does he pick the brother's side over her side when he knew what she said was true? Shame did not allow Rebecca to say "I feel scared when you yell at me?" Shame did not allow Rebecca to come up with another solution - perhaps to go out to the brother and say, "It seems like I hurt your feelings when I said that, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I can see this is a sensitive topic for you and I didn't know that about you, I'm sorry."
So, she had a fearful part that was triggered. As her husband shamed her for causing a fuss, it totally activated her shameful part.
The combination of shame and fear is a losing hand. As a sensitive and empathic person, she could feel her husband's anger rising, as he was feeling protective over his brother, angry at her perhaps for breaking the family agreements of not speaking the truth, anything else that he was mad at her about, and who knows what parts of his were activated!
Then it seems like her survival part came in who wanted to fight. I'm sure she felt cornered in the room - so flight was not an option.
So between her fearful part, her shameful part, and her fighter part she had to position herself for safety.
So many intense emotions happening at the same time disables us from thinking on our feet. She turned against herself.
Her truth-speaker stepped in yet again... calling out his feeling of wanting to hit her. Ugh.
Which one of her emotions do you think said "Go ahead. Hit me?"
It could have been the fearful part that's just sick and tired of walking around afraid all the time, "go ahead and just do it! Trying to live life feeling threatened all the time is exhausting!
It could have been the part of her that was upset that the very man who was supposed to be protecting her is turning against her, so her defiant Part stepped in, "You're acting like a big dick right now, how big of a dick are you? Prove it to me, so I know for sure. Are you going to hit me too!?"
Maybe it was her fighter, "Go ahead, you're going to win anyway, get it over with, you punk!"
Can you see how people can get emotionally overwhelmed when so many parts are activated, energy coursing through our veins, and releasing opposing hormones? What a mess. When Self is present, we can protect all the parts, keep them contained, think on our feet and come up with an immediate solution and then speak for our parts at a later, calmer time.
This work is no joke. Loving ourselves takes work.