Before our session started - as I just took deep breaths and allowed myself to get centered - I saw an image of a lion. That lion roared loud. He walked back and forth and just roared. He was majestic and clear. I want to be heard! I found this picture online and it was perfect. This lion is letting loose. He doesn't look angry. He just wants to communicate - and he ROARS!
I've been finding myself grouchy lately. Just knee jerk - cursing at inanimate objects - grouchy. I'm sensitive to noise, people not doing what they say they are going to do - being on the phone when we're hanging out - irritated with my age and sagging arms - being late - watching the "persona" people put on social media (the inconsistencies of reality and social media) - and feeling like it's all fake - wanting to AHA people with their bullshit and out their issues. Eeek. I was a bit embarrassed to lay out all my feelings with Ursula. I told her - I'm healing and growing - I'm working on my issues. I know this is all about me. But jeepers! What's all this?
I've also been feeling very empowered and happy about my growth - but still I even find myself AHAing myself about the stuff I'm still nervous to do - or the things I'm still working on. Or I will be judging myself and worried that it's my anxiety that holds me back with certain parenting decisions I'm making.
After "letting it all out" Ursula had that laugh - that light hearted loving tone. I love that! It feels like she is saying, "Come on in human. It's all right." She actually does say stuff like that. She said all of these feelings - all of them - is proof that the layers of awareness in my spiritual journey are here.
I hope I wrote this down correctly. She was breaking down the layers of awareness and I quickly took notes.
1. What we know and what we don't know.
2. This might be me. Okay - I'll look into that. I can look into the healing work.
3. Screw it. I can have my reaction.
She told me to use all the layers for my evolution. Everybody and everything becomes a teachable moment.
Ursula added this:
When it comes to other people bugging us, how do we respond?
1. We think we know why they are behaving that way, but maybe we don't know. It might be interesting to ask from a place of curiosity instead of annoyance.
2. This might be me. Projection, in some way, we do the same thing that we are not happy about, but when other people do it, it makes us coco for coco puffs. Okay - I'll look into that. I can look into bringing this into a session.
3. Screw it. I can have my reaction. Then deal with the consequences.
Ursula told me - it's time to begin to stand up for myself. Set those boundaries. She says practice doing this before the train leaves the station. I liked that metaphor. She said when you go out - set your intention. If you know there might be an issue - speak about before you go out. Create boundaries and communicate those to people. Don't allow my people pleaser part to take over. She said speak your truth with love and set your intention. She said remember - our time here is precious.
I guess I've always been afraid to communicate with some people - most people - because I don't want a confrontation. But Ursula reminds me -with non violent communication - with my loving intention set in place- I won't have to be afraid to speak up for myself.
She said this is a great topic to discuss - so many people need and want to communicate better. A lot if people are struggling with an addiction to their cell phones and not being present with people in the here and now.
She guided me and spoke so gently. She said speak to your relaxed part. That's the one who can take the lead to start the conversation with my loved ones. She said our true self - my true self - our relaxed selves - is loving.
I shared with her some of the parental decisions I had been making. I was ready for her to say - AHA - your fear is taking over. I asked her because Ursula is a relaxed person. She is someone who is experienced and seasoned - she is adventurous and doesn't take part in a lot of fear based decisions. I was really happy to hear her not only agree with my decisions - but tell me - I was making logical, responsible and well chosen decisions. She said - it didn't sound like fear talking. I felt so validated.
I really enjoyed the session. We didn't go into my subconscious - and speak to my parts this time. Although - I do feel that image of the lion in the beginning was so enlightening for me. The lion wanted to be heard. The lion was leading. The lion was me. So actually a part did show up. I think I was trying to figure out the anger I had been feeling. There was frustration coming up. As I become more clear and confident - I now feel it is time to start creating boundaries for myself. It's time Lead myself - with a lion's roar. Of course - a loving relaxed lion's roar.
I now see clearly the importance of creating these boundaries so resentment doesn't build up.
We spent some time during the session in role play. I was practicing what things I could say to people when I'm upset, feeling an emotion, and I want to see if there is either a way to get through it - a compromise - a set up - an agreement -a way to move through the feelings and get to my true self.
One of the topics - was I get frustrated with friends when they are constantly on their cell phone when we are together. Not a quick call here and there. Or a "sometimes" they are on the phone. I'm talking about every time we are together - there is the cell phone. I'll be talking - and the phone is picked up - and I feel dismissed. I feel like I'm not important. It doesn't make me feel good. So we role played things I might say. I was really nervous. It's scary - and risky - to speak up. But only because it's the habit of that fear - the fear to set my boundaries and speak my truth - I'm trying to heal and work through that fear. She believes - and she has experienced - when we use the loving non violent communication - speak from the heart - usually things go very well. The outcome is usually a closer -more meaningful relationship with people.
It will be interesting to see how I do with this - I have practice ahead.
After the session I felt my heart open. It was a beautiful feeling. I felt my true self - my real intention - it was all love. I felt my true self wanting to grow - acknowledging I am growing - a strong desire to continue on my journey to heal and connect and love. It was such a magical session.
And from Ursula:
I love watching Rebecca change and grow and transform herself. To me it's like watching a tree grow or a flower bloom right before my eyes, day after day, opening more and more, revealing deeper colors and textures. It's like the lotus flower that is the chakra opening, expanding.
On the spiritual path there are many twists and turns, uphill, steep climbs, tricky footing on the downhill, and sometimes just a boring straight and narrow path.
This experience that Rebecca is having, in a way, is shedding layers off, as a snail getting too big for its shell or a snake losing its skin, even when children are outgrowing their clothes. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Our references from before are irritating. We simply outgrow them. And thank goodness for growth.
Before we get on the spiritual path we do everything possible to keep things the same, to keep things safe! But we don't understand how trapped we become. All the while, we wonder why depression and anxiety are an issue. Can you see how one feeds the other?
Think about it - relationships, jobs, social status, the way we speak to ourselves in our head, the television, our religions, roles that we play...it's as if everyone's pulling back as hard as they can.
The only threat is change, which is the big joke, because change is inevitable.
When you look at it, it's quite ridiculous. We are working against ourselves on all fronts. There is the twist, as usual, with good reason. We've learn things the hard way before and we don't like it.
It doesn't take too many crashes, bumps and bruises to realize that making changes and trying new things isn't always easy.
Change; you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
So you might as well go ahead and make a change. The more changes we make, the better we are at changing. When change comes about, we have to rely on our skills and we have to have faith and courage.
Think of our dear ancestors, the Neanderthals and the Homo sapiens - talk about stressed out!
Everything was new, their whole life, everyday. It must have been a challenge - life and death decisions all the time. Don't eat the poison berries. Don't sleep near the ocean shore line. Don't run on the hot sand barefoot. Don't walk in the middle of a meadow with wild animals on the periphery. They had to learn everything that we take for granted today.
So we're wired to be scared. We've been scared for thousands of years. Fear is designed to protect us. Yes, that's fair enough. But what in the world are we supposed to do about moving forward, about improving Our Lives, and about living a spiritual reality instead of an animal fear-based reality?
Rebecca is moving out of fear and figuring out what she can rely on as she moves forward.
Well Common Sense sure does come in handy! That's a keeper. Moving slowly is a great idea too. One of my spiritual teacher from Dao, said "Walk forward cautiously but not fearfully." See the difference?
Reasoning things out before we make decisions is always something we can count on.
Looking at what's fair for all and what's respectful, usually works out well.
Getting a list of Virtues and studying those is a smart way to create our new reality including new boundaries. These are all very helpful tools.
In the Bible it says1 Corinthians 13:11 King James Version (KJV)11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
This speaks directly to our personal evolution - moving away from living in fear and moving towards living from Love and Trust. Trusting our inner self and trusting our deepest life force energy that is beating our heart and breathing our lungs. There's something greater than our fearful self and it's more beautiful, more fulfilling, more generous and more kind and much better at sharing.
In my opinion, this is exactly what the whole spiritual path is about.