This session is very difficult to write about, let alone, continue to work through what came up for me.
I will write things differently here. I didn’t really set up the room as much. I was in a horrible terror place before the session. I wasn’t feeling well the night before, and I went into Urgent Care for my ears. Unfortunately, I walked right into a bed of sick people. It was terrifying. I felt like I was a deer caught in headlights. I was frozen, afraid, but in it. My husband went with me.
I spoke with Ursula right away about the terror I was feeling. I walked into a place with the flu virus! What will happen? I was freaking out, feeling horrible, feeling shame, blame and a host of other horrifying images. I was laying down as I spoke to her balled up, crying, shivering and totally like a little girl.
Ursula opened up her loving arms, words and strength and walked me through the session.
The first image to come up was a witch. I felt she was angry. I felt she put a curse on me. She didn’t come across nice at all.
The second image to come forth was a trickster. He looked mean. I thought maybe he was a jester? But then I said, he looked like a mime, and I admitted, I always disliked and felt uncomfortable with mimes. I was guided to talk to him. I couldn’t. I was frozen. He was terrifying. He was telling me scary things. He was telling me I was an awful person. He was telling me I did everything wrong. Ursula helped me question him. She asked me to ask him where he came from. At first, he did not speak. She said, of course. She yelled at him some and he got quiet and then said he comes from fear. I felt like he was telling me he came from hell.
My 2 year old self came forward, frightened. I was guided to hold her. She said she was sad that my dad called her sickly as a child. She didn’t think she was sickly. She wasn’t sickly. She said she was scared. She felt alone. We spoke together of all the things she thought she heard said about her, believed were true, that she was bad. Ursula came forward at the perfect times to help me. I told Ursula I was struggling and needed backup. I was guided to tell my young self to remember we are sensitive. But we don’t have take everything literally. We don’t have to take what people say to us as fact.
Ursula was so strong. (Okay normally I don’t say Ursula so much but I need to here – because I could not do any of this work without her being stern and firm with the trickster. She guided me and helped me with the trickster. I needed someone to speak louder because I was so afraid and spiraling down. I was guided to remember all the parts of both young me and old me that are jolly and fun, light hearted and happy. These can’t be taken away from me. I was guided to remember I don’t need the trickster to tell me what’s happening. I’m here! The real me, the pure me, the strong and courageous me can ward off the trickster, can ward off illness, can ward off the spiral down. Yes, it is hard. But I have a lot of people around me. I am not alone. I can fight for me and my family.
I was told to be aware that I fell into a drama pattern. This is the pattern of the trickster. I didn’t do anything wrong.
Over the next week after the session – it has been challenging. My husband did get very ill. Watching him ill has been terrifying. The trickster has been all over the place. I have bumped into tons of dark scary thoughts.
I have reached out to friends and family to guide me back so I don’t fall into the spiral. It has been hard and dark and terrifying at time. I’m still here.
I am very lucky to have these amazing people in my life. I am so glad at least I am reaching out. This is new for me.
It still feels challenging. It feels like the trickster is pulling out all the stops. I am still here. I have had daily panic attacks. I’ve made mistakes because I’ve been distracted, scared, and at times feeling so hopeless. I’ve been riding the waves, and so far still coming up for air.
I will admit I am scared. I will admit there have been beautiful very clear moments that I am getting through this – I am scooting along.
I know this blog may be a bit fragmented. But it is raw, real and I hope it can help other people. As I continue to forge ahead, I hope I am gathering more information, more help – so I can reach out and help the troubled like me.
And from Ursula....these beautiful words of understanding and encouragement. And if you would like to listen to audio: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/Riding-Some-Rocking-Waves--Ursula-5-Feb-18-Mental-Girl-e1juai/a-a2pgem
This session was a doozie. When dark parts come up, our oldest fears that have been handed down for generation is now right in our face. The boogie man under the bed is real when we are children. When mom and dad tell us it's not and don't be silly, that only makes it worse. Then we feel unsupported and even more scared now. It was scary enough to reach out for help, to start screaming or make a run for the light switch or leap from the bed to your doorway.
That's the type of fear that comes up when we are facing these dark parts.
Doesn't matter how old we are, how much therapy we have done, how many accomplishments we have achieved in our lives.
Fear will take us down into that scary place in no time.
So how do we handle facing this darkness within in a session compared to the boogie man? With much more compassion then "Don't be silly."
Whatever we believe is real is.
I have faced my own darkness, and I have held hands with my clients as they face theirs and even had to step in between my clients and their dark parts. It's scary. No doubt. Things are intense, that's the environment that darkness thrives on. The more scared we are of darkness, we end up giving it more power. Guess who's power? Yes, our power. So managing the fearful part of Rebecca was one job, managing the nasty mean things that the Mime/Jester was saying was the other. I felt like a boxing match referee, while maintaining my own centeredness. My priority was to show Rebecca how to handle these bozo's. They are punks, acting like goons and goblins. They are dark. We all have light and darkness within us. The difference from person to person, is the vibrational frequency that they were raised in. If the family was drinking, drugging, violence, manipulating each other, stressed out, controlling, violent or abusive in anyway, those are all lower vibrations. Darkness needs a lower vibration to thrive in. When innocent children, I believe who are directly coming from Heaven, get born into this low vibration household, they soon dismiss their origin in order to adapt to the environment. In the back of the head, is that still small voice that says, "this isn't right." We all innately know, what is good and what is not good. We all know what respect and disrespect feels like.
When we move towards our inner light, the truth of us, then the darkness gets activated and resists the movement. It will act out and that's when the work gets serious. We face these aspects within us to send them love. That's the thing they can't stand. Because that's what they too were originally created from. They have taken it to the farthest end and have forgotten about it. This all works on a macro and micro level at the same time.
Rebecca did great, this is hard, the payoff is well worth it. Bully eradication.