I am not spending time making my blogs perfect. I can't write now. I don't think they need to be. I'm raw. I'm open. I'm scared. I'm trembling. I'm in it. This is real fucking scary shit. My mind is all over the place. It's as if I've been storing all this shit in a garage. I just kept shoving fears in and closing the door quick. But then I realized I want more out of life than to be scared of myself. So I got gutsy and opened the door. And BOOM! All the fucking scary monsters and thoughts came pouring out of me and fell right on top of me.
I have been trembling so much, eating is a challenge. I've gotten very thin. I'm panicking every morning. Sometimes through the day.
I want a fix! But there doesn't seem to be a quick fix. I have to sort. I have to be patient. I have to be honest. I have to try and stir up bravery and courage to go through this shit.
I've gone to doctors to make sure I'm all right. So far, tests show I'm ok. But I need to eat more. I need to calm down. I can't do this alone. I know I need help.
I'm calling out for everyone to help. I call out friends, family, and caregivers. I'm honest with healers and helpers. I hope this works.
I've been put on a dose of meds to calm down a little. Even my holistic healers agreed, there is no need to be this frightened and making myself ill.
I start tomorrow with another doctor to help tame the anxiety so I can find the REAL me underneath it all. That's the goal. Where is Rebecca? Where is the girl I know I really am? Because I'm afraid this afraid, mentally unstable girl is the real me. So I ask and I ask and I ask again to friends and family and they say NO! The real you - we see - with her light and her strong spirit.
I will try to blog as much as I can. I will try. But I hope as I trudge through the woods trying to understand what is happening and make friends with the monsters - or at least tell them they don't need to be here. They don't need to protect me or scare me so I hide anymore. I hope to do this. I make forts through out the day in my mind when the pressure builds. I lie down if I have to. But I'm a mom and I have responsibilities and it pains me that I can't just snap out of it for my beautiful son who watches me in pain.
To those with mental challenges, know this - lets make forts for each other. Let's meet in the woods. We can do this together. I hope I can help in any way I can. I hope I make it through this and I will be able to help others get through the woods too. So many are helping me. I have friends near and far right now reaching out, writing to me, sharing their stories and their pain. They help me feel less alone. That's the key. NO ONE should feel alone here. NO ONE should feel unworthy.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it helps you too.
Wow, I did not expect any of this. ANY of this. I didn't expect to receive a gift as wonderful as Ursula to help me through this intense work. I didn't expect that doing this work would reveal the monsters under the bed, the skeletons in the closet, and the anxiety to ROAR it's ugly head so fucking loud - it's almost deafening. I also didn't expect Ursula to not only be very talented and skilled at her gift, but for her to be able to help me sort, sift and face this VERY hard work.
The sessions have gotten harder and harder, more stuff coming up - and basically I'm fucking scared.
We started this most recent session with me opening up in all my raw, honesty that I feel I'm falling apart. The panic attacks have been so strong, making me feel like I'm being pulled under. I worry about everything. I worry I'm going to die. I worry I've done everything horribly. I've worried my anxiety ruled for so long, I'm doomed. I feel so bad my son has had to deal with me and my anxiety. Worry, worry, sinking despair, panic attacks....and more monsters!
We talked at length about the searing pain all this is causing. We talked about how scared I am that I've ruined everything. But then Ursula reminded me that I'm here - doing the work - nothing has been ruined. Yes, there has been damage. Yes, there are consequences to face. Yes, there are changes to be made. But I'm here. I'm still here. She spoke with loving words telling me I've done the best I can in every moment. The fact that I care, the fact that I'm doing and feeling and trying to move forward is a good thing. Again, life can be rocky at times. But it doesn't have to be all gloom and doom. She was encouraging to tell myself not to cover up in shame, disappointment, doubt and fear.
We began the session and she asked for each dark part to come forward and reveal itself.
Anxiety - Came forward as the figure of Cali. The Indian God who looks scary - lots of arms. She just scares the shit out of me. I was guided to take her and shrink her to the size of a small figurine and stick her on the shelf. I was guided to tell her, although, yes, I have allowed her to run the show, make decisions - I was to tell her I want to change that. I do NOT want her in charge anymore. She rattled, screamed and yelled - and I kept shrinking her.
Shame - Came forward as a bully. Like the bully from childhood that made me feel so uncomfortable about my body and who I was. I was guided to tell her to leave. She wasn't helping. She was mean. She wasn't saying anything nice. The things she was saying weren't true.
Doubt - Came forward as a squashy whiny weird looking fellow. He was annoyed and frustrated. I was guided to tell him, I do recognize that he wants to help. But that he couldn't be in charge of every decision either.
Blame - Came forward as a snooty looking person, rubbing their chin - and looking all AHA! Just loves pointing out flaws and casting blame. Lots of criticizing. He was told to quiet down as well. He didn't help anything. He was mean and again - didn't come packing a lot of facts.
There were so many emotions swirling and stepping forward. I was guided to talk to them all. Look - I understand you feel you have had a purpose and protecting me. But you aren't protecting me. You are hurting me. I was guided to pull forth a protector. Ursula called him the Tracker. The image that came forward was an anteater. I was guided to speak with the anteater about tracking these mean characters when they come up - sniffing them out - and the scooting them out
During the session - as the different parts came up - I found myself getting overwhelmingly tired. I hadn't felt in other sessions. But I did remember feeling that in the past when things got "too much". My body would just start to say, "Nope. This is too much. I want to sleep." I was guided to send that tired feeling away - to tell that tired feeling - this wasn't too much. Nothing was going to happen - except to speak with the different parts and work on using healing tools to deal with them. The tired thing happened several times - and maybe it was anteater who shook me awake - but I never fell asleep during the session.
Throughout the session I would feel hope. I would feel calm. I could hear Ursula - very clear, very direct and very firm. It was soothing and comforting. This kind of work is not instaneous. It's been a long time that I've had intense anxiety - letting anxiety, shame, blame and doubt run the show. They aren't just going to go because I have had an epiphany. I have to keep working. I have to keep talking to them. It doesn't feel easy at all.
We ended the session with thanks. I was exhausted.
The following days after the session - I still have had intense panic attacks. I'm still trying to talk to the parts. They are loud! Those fuckers! But I managed to get myself out of the house, take my son to hang out with his friends, ride these VERY intense panic attacks, go to the doctor to speak with him about the weight I've lost and the pain that I'm in. I want to make sure my body is ok. I've managed to get to the market to get some good stuff to help put the weight back on. I managed to reach out to friends and family and say help! The voices are loud! I need backup!
Friends, family and Ursula are here. My doctors have been wonderful.
Okay....rocking waves. You can rock me. But I've got backup!
And from Ursula in written word and audio.
Hello again Rebecca,
I am so proud of you, I am smiling ear to ear at your bravery and honesty.
Cali is spelled Kali. You are so welcome, you are doing great. Even though you having panic attacks, you are being proactive, that is fierce, you are winning the battle!
Can you see the power? Can you see the bravery? I am in glee that Rebecca is coming out from under the covers and saying "Okay all you boogie men, out with you, I am ready to face you, line up!"
When we give our power away to the non-loving parts of us, we feel that they are in charge and we have to be victims to that. These mean parts are embedded from negative experiences and usually family members who didn't understand that their family dynamics were being handed down generation after generation and they forgot what it was like on the receiving end.
People who are highly sensitive have so much trouble living in the average harsh world. People who are thick skinned can dish it out and take it, as if it was normal, have not idea what it's like to be sensitive. They are the ones that call sensitive people weak, cowardly, push overs. When the sensitive people find their voice, they come from such a beautiful sweet place, so deeply loving and kind and generous, that the thick skinned people of the world feel like the weak ones, the feel like brutes and bullies.
The key to coming out of fear is to find our voices. Then the power can come out. The first thing to say, is "I am here, I count. I may be a certain way and that's okay. I am alive and I matter too."
The deal with being a sensitive person is that safety tends to be a big factor. If we don't feel safe, then all bets are off, why in the world would we stand out or speak up or ask for what we want?! Yes, there are family dynamics, but even with conscious parents, the rest of the world doesn't seem safe.
With sensitivity comes awareness and creativity. When we are sweet and innocent in our approach to life, we see people can be dark and bad things can happen. Our hearts are broken over and over, it can be a Hallmark commercial or the major loss of a loved one. No wonder sensitive people feel like they are on survival mode all the time. As if that is not enough, many sensitive people are the creative types too. That comes with a whole set of parts in and of itself. Being creative has highs and lows, a tendency for addiction to try and buffer the harshness and balance the highs the lows, imaginations that can take them completely out of the agreed reality, a need for escape and they get overwhelmed under certain circumstances. If they don't have a creative outlet they can get depressed, violent, angry or shut down.
Can you see why panic attacks would be a part of the big picture?
Panic attacks are real. The experience is very real, it all happens inside, the imagination gets all excited and takes people for a ride, activating the cortisol and adrenaline levels, probably leaving folks exhausted afterward. It's horrible. Rebecca is beginning to stand up to these parts that torment her. She is facing them, telling them that they are handing her a pack of lies and she knows it, they can't fool her any more. That's powerful. Next time we may be able to talk to them more personally and find out why they are harassing her in the first place. Believe it or not, they usually are under the impression that they are protecting her. I know, the deeper we go, the more it doesn't make sense to the mind. That's okay, stay tuned and you will begin to see how the inner world works.
Interesting enough, the Goddess from the Hindu teachings is Kali, she is the Goddess of Destruction, destroyer of evil forces, to be more exact. She has a place in each of us, but in Rebecca's situation this "friend" has turned against her. Rebecca doesn't even know who this character is and look! I love that in this session when she is facing her tormentors, there is Kali, first one out!
She is having the panic attacks and she is still moving forward like a Warrior, moving forward even though the enemy is trying to shoot her down, she is fighting for her rights, for her family for her peace!
This session is very difficult to write about, let alone, continue to work through what came up for me.
I will write things differently here. I didn’t really set up the room as much. I was in a horrible terror place before the session. I wasn’t feeling well the night before, and I went into Urgent Care for my ears. Unfortunately, I walked right into a bed of sick people. It was terrifying. I felt like I was a deer caught in headlights. I was frozen, afraid, but in it. My husband went with me.
I spoke with Ursula right away about the terror I was feeling. I walked into a place with the flu virus! What will happen? I was freaking out, feeling horrible, feeling shame, blame and a host of other horrifying images. I was laying down as I spoke to her balled up, crying, shivering and totally like a little girl.
Ursula opened up her loving arms, words and strength and walked me through the session.
The first image to come up was a witch. I felt she was angry. I felt she put a curse on me. She didn’t come across nice at all.
The second image to come forth was a trickster. He looked mean. I thought maybe he was a jester? But then I said, he looked like a mime, and I admitted, I always disliked and felt uncomfortable with mimes. I was guided to talk to him. I couldn’t. I was frozen. He was terrifying. He was telling me scary things. He was telling me I was an awful person. He was telling me I did everything wrong. Ursula helped me question him. She asked me to ask him where he came from. At first, he did not speak. She said, of course. She yelled at him some and he got quiet and then said he comes from fear. I felt like he was telling me he came from hell.
My 2 year old self came forward, frightened. I was guided to hold her. She said she was sad that my dad called her sickly as a child. She didn’t think she was sickly. She wasn’t sickly. She said she was scared. She felt alone. We spoke together of all the things she thought she heard said about her, believed were true, that she was bad. Ursula came forward at the perfect times to help me. I told Ursula I was struggling and needed backup. I was guided to tell my young self to remember we are sensitive. But we don’t have take everything literally. We don’t have to take what people say to us as fact.
Ursula was so strong. (Okay normally I don’t say Ursula so much but I need to here – because I could not do any of this work without her being stern and firm with the trickster. She guided me and helped me with the trickster. I needed someone to speak louder because I was so afraid and spiraling down. I was guided to remember all the parts of both young me and old me that are jolly and fun, light hearted and happy. These can’t be taken away from me. I was guided to remember I don’t need the trickster to tell me what’s happening. I’m here! The real me, the pure me, the strong and courageous me can ward off the trickster, can ward off illness, can ward off the spiral down. Yes, it is hard. But I have a lot of people around me. I am not alone. I can fight for me and my family.
I was told to be aware that I fell into a drama pattern. This is the pattern of the trickster. I didn’t do anything wrong.
Over the next week after the session – it has been challenging. My husband did get very ill. Watching him ill has been terrifying. The trickster has been all over the place. I have bumped into tons of dark scary thoughts.
I have reached out to friends and family to guide me back so I don’t fall into the spiral. It has been hard and dark and terrifying at time. I’m still here.
I am very lucky to have these amazing people in my life. I am so glad at least I am reaching out. This is new for me.
It still feels challenging. It feels like the trickster is pulling out all the stops. I am still here. I have had daily panic attacks. I’ve made mistakes because I’ve been distracted, scared, and at times feeling so hopeless. I’ve been riding the waves, and so far still coming up for air.
I will admit I am scared. I will admit there have been beautiful very clear moments that I am getting through this – I am scooting along.
I know this blog may be a bit fragmented. But it is raw, real and I hope it can help other people. As I continue to forge ahead, I hope I am gathering more information, more help – so I can reach out and help the troubled like me.
And from Ursula....these beautiful words of understanding and encouragement. And if you would like to listen to audio: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/Riding-Some-Rocking-Waves--Ursula-5-Feb-18-Mental-Girl-e1juai/a-a2pgem
This session was a doozie. When dark parts come up, our oldest fears that have been handed down for generation is now right in our face. The boogie man under the bed is real when we are children. When mom and dad tell us it's not and don't be silly, that only makes it worse. Then we feel unsupported and even more scared now. It was scary enough to reach out for help, to start screaming or make a run for the light switch or leap from the bed to your doorway.
That's the type of fear that comes up when we are facing these dark parts.
Doesn't matter how old we are, how much therapy we have done, how many accomplishments we have achieved in our lives.
Fear will take us down into that scary place in no time.
So how do we handle facing this darkness within in a session compared to the boogie man? With much more compassion then "Don't be silly."
Whatever we believe is real is.
I have faced my own darkness, and I have held hands with my clients as they face theirs and even had to step in between my clients and their dark parts. It's scary. No doubt. Things are intense, that's the environment that darkness thrives on. The more scared we are of darkness, we end up giving it more power. Guess who's power? Yes, our power. So managing the fearful part of Rebecca was one job, managing the nasty mean things that the Mime/Jester was saying was the other. I felt like a boxing match referee, while maintaining my own centeredness. My priority was to show Rebecca how to handle these bozo's. They are punks, acting like goons and goblins. They are dark. We all have light and darkness within us. The difference from person to person, is the vibrational frequency that they were raised in. If the family was drinking, drugging, violence, manipulating each other, stressed out, controlling, violent or abusive in anyway, those are all lower vibrations. Darkness needs a lower vibration to thrive in. When innocent children, I believe who are directly coming from Heaven, get born into this low vibration household, they soon dismiss their origin in order to adapt to the environment. In the back of the head, is that still small voice that says, "this isn't right." We all innately know, what is good and what is not good. We all know what respect and disrespect feels like.
When we move towards our inner light, the truth of us, then the darkness gets activated and resists the movement. It will act out and that's when the work gets serious. We face these aspects within us to send them love. That's the thing they can't stand. Because that's what they too were originally created from. They have taken it to the farthest end and have forgotten about it. This all works on a macro and micro level at the same time.
Rebecca did great, this is hard, the payoff is well worth it. Bully eradication.
I took a half hour before our session to do some self healing work – get centered – allowing all my energies to come forth and feel safe. I was experiencing nervous energy.
I was a bit off my game and didn’t set the room up properly. I forgot to turn off the main house phone so if it rang it wouldn’t disturb me. I also got “critter talked” into allowing the dog and one of my cats in the room. They sort of pushed their way in. At first they were fast asleep but during the session, they did interrupt. Note to self: Take the time to set up the room for peace and quiet.
Right before Ursula called, I began to get really nervous. Twice during our session I had to run to the bathroom. I continued to breathe and stay focused. I was able to figure how to deal with the disturbances. I’m happy to say none of these distractions really messed up our subconscious work.
I had a lot on my mind. But once we began, things began to unfold.
We spoke about the holidays. It wasn’t as much fun as I would have liked because my son and mom caught a cold and my husband had a stomach virus. Yuck. I was nurse and house maid. It was scary watching my mom who is 82 become really sick. My husband had a horrible stomach virus and was in bed for two days. My son was a bit freaked watching his dad and grandmother sick. I had to hold up and be the strong one. Inside I was terrified too, felt overwhelmed, and was challenged with my OCD tendencies and germ phobia. Cleaning up after sick people can get pretty messy – and in order to get through it I had to pull myself together. I did it.
After 2018 began, my struggles with panic disorder (horrible and intense panic attacks) seemed to rise to the surface. I’ve been breathing, trying to invite all the energies, even panicky energy, with open arms – willing to hear and speak to my inner self with love.
The first image to come up was a snake. It looked like a cobra. It coiled itself up and showed its fangs. I was guided to ask what it wanted to tell me. It didn’t want to bite me. It wanted me to start working on and learning to protect myself against other people’s venom.
I’ve been feeling very vulnerable about letting people in. I’m scared. It’s hard for me. I’m afraid if I let people in they will abandon me. I’m still very raw about my falling out with my longtime friend. I’m just not over it yet. It still hurts.
The snake’s energy felt wise, direct and calm. It communicated it is important to make sure I don’t invite people in and allow them to bite me. It’s important right now, especially while working through my anxiety and feeling vulnerable ,that I protect myself during this process.
I got choked up when discussing a conversation I had with a close friend of mine. I’ve repeatedly told her and those I love – I will do anything within my power to be there for them. I'm clear that I need clarity, honesty and I need them to be up front with me and to understand my limitations too.
My main priority is my son. I want to take care of myself. I want to keep myself healthy both in mind and body. I want to be the best version of myself to teach him these skills as well.
Ursula asked me to imagine opening up the top of my head – (she called this the CROWN CHAKRA). She said allow light to come in – allow the light in to protect me and push out anything that is not needed. She asked me to surround myself with white light – to focus on protecting myself from toxicity from others. She reminded me to protect my vulnerable self any time including when I’m out in the outside world.
The next image to come forward was a small mouse. The mouse was hiding things. I asked what he was hiding. He said his hurts and sadness. Then I began to cry. I felt sad for the little mouse. He was ashamed and sad about all these hurts which he felt he needed to hide. I was instructed to ask the mouse to put all that stuff down and ask it would it be okay if he let it go of all it. I told him he didn’t need all that. I asked the mouse if I could take care of him. He didn’t have to worry, run around, hide things and run the show. The little mouse was content to curl up next to me and relax.
It was very clear to me seeing the little mouse moving so fast and shuffling things, when asked if I could take care of him – he was happy to curl up in the palm of my hand, close to me. He just wanted to be safe. It a was happy, relaxing and very nice image.
An image of me as a little girl presented itself. The young me was scared. I was instructed to tell her that I’ve got this. She need not worry. I was instructed to tell her, I’m here and that she can feel safe with me.
Ursula asked me if I loved myself. I began to tear up. I was uncomfortable. She asked me if I felt likable or liked myself. I said I’m not sure. We dug a little further – and I clearly saw my life growing up was mostly about drama. My family never seemed comfortable in a peaceful state. I realized too, I created a pattern, where I’m not comfortable with peace. I want peace. I want to feel comfortable in a peaceful state. But there is a tendency to pick and pick and find drama. Just the awareness that this a habit - I felt something shift. I had a moment of clarity - being aware means there is a possibility this habit could change. Along with practice, using new tools, I can have a life of more peace than drama.
After the images stopped, some feelings about my husband rose to the surface of my mind. I’ve been frustrated and feeling disconnected with him.
Ursula felt it was important to take steps to reconnect with him. She suggested cuddle time. Just five minutes every day. No drama. Don’t ask him of anything except to just lie and cuddle. She said it is important that men feel like the hero. She said let your husband be the hero during cuddle time.
We closed the session giving thanks for the work we did together.
*That night my husband came to me. He walked up to me. I said, “Do you want to sit with me?” He said, “Yes, I just waned to sit with my wife”. I said perfect. I told him about cuddle time. He liked it. So did I.
We have been trying to have some kind of cuddle time every day. At least to be close to each other, hug each other, take a walk - just be there for each other.
Days following the session - I took small notes:
I’ve been talking the snake and mouse.
I have had a lot of anxiety. I’m trying to remind myself to pull out my tools and use them. I take time for myself. I practice opening up my top CROWN chakra and let the light inside. I have been breathing and doing my own meditational self therapy work as well between sessions.
I'm very aware, as I've mentioned in my book - it isn't important to focus on a "cure" for anxiety - but to focus on self love. It's important to practice with patience, kindness and compassion for all the parts that exist inside.
And from Ursula's perspective she wrote: If you want to listen to Ursula with audio: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/And-Were-Back--Ursula--17-Jan-18-Mental-Girl-e1jua6/a-a2pg6f
In just a few sessions I'm noticing Rebecca's growth. It's so obvious to me. As a metaphysician I see everything in energetic reference. I will feel before I think. I will ask you before I contemplate. The further we move away from mind and all it's chitter-chatter, the closer we get to truth.
In the session work Rebecca is able to stay more focused. In spite of physical distractions and disruptions all of her parts were able to sit and listen to whoever was the center of attention at that moment. Similar to when there's several children in the family and one child is getting all the attention, the other children want to interrupt and get attention too. When we get excited, our inner parts are similar in that way. Rebecca is able to hold space for her Parts and the other parts are willing to hold Space too. That's a sign of emotional maturity. It's so lovely for me to watch the quick growth of self love and compassion.
This is not for the faint-hearted. This is real work. It's scary, awkward and uncomfortable - and that's what makes this obviously real. The real things in life are that way. New Beginnings, difficult conversations, making mistakes and figuring out how to correct them - when we're sick, dealing with sex, facing trials and tribulations.
I was so excited when I read that Rebecca's husband made the first move for cuddle time. That's the universe and action right there! That's how the world around us will respond to us when we change inside.
I love watching miracles like that happen! It makes me giggle. It's the signature of God In My Mind.
Ursula and I took a little break from sessions to celebrate the holidays with our families. But we are starting back and I will be blogging again about my sessions. So stay tuned.
The days following the session I feel a protective feeling come over me. My young 19 year self is back in my heart under my protection. She is in a detox and release period.
Ursula told me to find a picture of myself around that time in Mexico. I had this picture in my mind in Mexico - a picture I've seen recently in a box. I couldn't seem to find it. I'm sure it will come up. Until then, I came across this one. I believe I'm around that age. I look so innocent. The thing about this picture that does touch me is there I am at the old homestead on Clinton Street - in the arch - near the hallway. In my previous posts - I discuss this arch sitting with my 4 year old self.
I've got her protected. If mean or dark thoughts come - I shield her.
I've gone through some frustrated, grumpy and anxious feelings this week. As much as I shield the young Rebecca, I also help the present older Rebecca too. I work on protecting and caring for both of them.
Here's an interesting story that happened in the days following my session. Someone parked in our driveway. A real grrrrr moment. I was really frustrated. I had the power and right to have them ticketed and towed. I really don't like to do that. I know it's expensive. But it isn't fair if someone blocks me from getting in and out with ease. I recognized the car. It was a neighbor's car. He doesn't have a lot of money. I wrote a note instead of having him ticketed and towed - waited to see if would come soon to move his car. Nope. Towards the end of the day I was becoming angrier and anxious. I felt he was forcing me to make a move. I protected my tender feelings and made a decision. I was going to try and find him. I called a friend who lives down the street. She knows everyone. See, I recognized the car, but I didn't know where the guy lived. Luckily for him, my friend knew him. I went to his apartment and met up with his landlord. At first, the landlord, hearing my frustrations, felt I should just tow him. I was shocked. I said, "Look, I'm trying to do a nice thing here. It's the holiday season. It's expensive. If I can find him and he can move, all will be well." The landlord looked shocked. He said, "Nice? Holidays? People are mean. Who does nice things any more?" He laughed and walked me to the guy's apartment. Well, alls well that ends well. The guy moved his car. He was apologetic and very grateful I didn't have him ticketed or towed. It made me feel good. I walked through my emotions - I protected and stood my ground - and it all ended well.
Then another day, same week, I ran into someone that I did NOT want to see. He is like my ex. He mistreated a good friend of mine, causing her a lot of pain. He is mean and awful. At first I was scared when I saw him. Then angry. I wanted to yell and scream at him how he hurt someone I loved. I took a deep breath. I was with my son and my mom, so making a scene, would make us all uncomfortable. But I still stood my ground. I had a look on my face that said "DON"T COME NEAR ME!" He left the store. I was relieved.
Life stuff happens. When the shame, embarrassment or angry feelings up, I can feel myself getting rattled inside. But this new sense, a new stirring inside, protective, honoring me and loving me - says that's it is OK to be me. It's OK to shield and protect myself. It's OK to stand firm that I'm doing the best I can.
So protect that dear sweet young person inside yourself. She/he deserves it.
Before I add Ursula's feedback from her session, I want to say after reading it, I got chills. She didn't mention this stuff to me. I had this feeling when we were communicating - or at least I thought I sensed her breath catch when I was speaking of Mexico. But then I fluffed it off - figured she felt bad for me - so much stuff was coming up.
Then she sent me her writing......
From Ursula -
I asked her about her relationship. So many young girls are so excited to have a boy's attention that they will put up with all sorts of nonsense. Ignorance, low self esteem, defiance, and parents who are not involved with their young adult and helping them make good decisions for themselves are a few of the variables. Drugs, abuse, cheating, lying, stealing are sometimes the costly results. These sweet teenagers then get sucked down the dark hole of manipulation and abuse. I have heard it and seen it way too many times. If that's not bad enough, when we lower our life force vibration, the goodness that beats our hearts and breathes our lungs, then we become susceptible to negative energy. You can think of it akin to not taking care of ourselves, not dressing properly for the weather conditions, not enough sleep, not enough nutrition and sunshine, then our immune system gets lowered. Same.
Self care is all about balance. Play time, work time, alone time, social time, healthy food mixed with yummy food. Balance. The young Rebecca was sucked into this dark relationship. She didn't have enough of her True Self to say no to him and that relationship. Trading his attention for her inner security. Sacrificing parts of her integrity, pride, self respect, for a boy that figuratively would drag her around by her hair. No wonder her system felt bad at the historical well. She knew sacrifice without being able to name it at the time.
When we lower our life force, our personal standards, our inner sense of self respect and integrity, when we throw all that out the window for a thrill of being with the troubled boy, the price we pay is too much. He's not worth years of panic attacks and not feeling safe in our own skin. We think we bury these relationships in the past, but no. There is the old phrasing of "skeleton in the closet". We think we can just throw that damage on our psyche into a dark closet and lock the door. Nope. That stays with us, haunts us by repeating the cycle, unseen, because we ARE the cycle until we pop out enough to see it.
So what are these darkness's? They are negative energy that slithers on us when we lower our own life energy enough for them to host off of us. People who suffer from addiction have that. They may not want the drink, drug or food, but the little cookie monster in their mind does!
If you are anyone you know is struggling with these things. I can help.
I take some time before each session to relax a bit - center myself. I'm nervous about the stuff that might come up. I have those little girl scared thoughts - I kind of want to run and not do it at all. I think, maybe she’ll cancel. Maybe there is no more work to be done. Then I’ll have a reason to hide.
Well, thanks to Mental Girl, I forge ahead.
I had a nice short rest before the session - my body was going in and out of feeling warm and cold - but as I relaxed a little deeper - I felt ready. Luckily all the animals were napping and not disturbing me this time. Thank you for that.
Sure enough - Ursula was on time. The minute she calls I’m relieved I’m being brave to do this work. I feel so grateful to her, to this with me.
She asked what I wanted to work on today. I had two topics - anxiety and trust.
It’s lovely in the beginning of the session. I’m guided to bring forth positive feelings to surround me - to help me with the subconscious work.
I was guided to check in with my body. What’s talking? What’s tingly? I do a body scan - and I found tension down the sides of my neck - down to my shoulders. It really felt tight. I was guided to ask my subconscious for an image. The image that came up was a vise. As the image formed in my mind it was as if I was in a workshop - my grandfather had a vise that he used in his garage. The image kept changing - I saw the vise - holding something. It was as if an art piece was being created. It was dark - yet being turned into something beautiful or artistic - something I could admire and be proud of - that would sit on a shelf.
I was then guided to go back - ask my subconscious for a specific time in my life - that would like to present itself.
I was 19 years old driving on Laurel Canyon Blvd. I got to Burbank Blvd and entered into a dark, very scary panic attack. I felt trapped and scared. I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory - as if pulled into a dark place. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be driving alone.
I was on my way home, after dropping off my ex. We had come back from a trip to Cancun, Mexico.
Ursula wondered if some kind of dark entity might have attached itself to me while I was in Mexico. I clenched up. She said those who are in a low place, scared, and with low self esteem (I had all of those) are targets for dark entities.
I was trying to stay with her. It sounded like a sci-fi scary movie. I felt my body stiffen up. I’m was struggling to believe something this strange and unbelievable could happen - or if it did - how did I allow this to happen?
I was glad to hear a voice - stay open. Just stay present. We will figure this out. Don’t run. It’s important to me that I stay grounded. But this voice also assured, whether not a dark entity is real or not, something happened. Something scared me. I was pulled into believing that I was not able to be alone. I was terrified, sad, felt weak and very lost.
I was guided to go back to Mexico. We had gone to the ruins in Chitza Nitz. I did not want to go there. I was very frightened to be in the jungle. I felt alone there. I was with my ex, his brother and his brother’s fiance. But I still felt alone and un-tethered. I was terrified I would get lost. We went by the ruins and the sacrificial well. None of the ruins or the sacrificial well were fenced off. I was terrified and felt pulled into the sacrificial well. It was if I could see myself fighting the thoughts off. I couldn’t wait to get out this place. I risked dehydration and didn’t drink anything. I didn’t want to have to the bathroom there. I just wanted to get out of there.
I spoke about my relationship with my ex which was awful. He could be nice one minute and then tortuous, jealous and mean the next. Every day I lived in a terrified state of what was to come. I was also angry with myself that I didn't leave him. I took the punishment.
I was guided to go on the beach in Mexico. There I was - young innocent me - looking so beautiful and sparkly. She wanted to feel loved. She wasn’t loved. She wasn’t treated with love. She was frightened and uncomfortable. I could see her squiggling as if to pull down her skirt to cover and protect herself. It was as if she wanted to pull something off. You know that feelings when you get seaweed on you - or too much sand. You just want to shake it off.
I was guided to stand by my young self and say I’m here now. I imagined holding her hand and saying "You are not alone. I am here now for you."
I was guided to remove this darkness that was clinging to my young self - help her get it off of her. I saw an image - it was as if I was pulling off an octopus - I had to pull off the tentacles. The tentacles were all the harsh words - the mean words - the unloving words my ex used on me. One by one - all the lies - all the mistreatment - all the cruelty - needed to come off.
I was guided to tell her to let go of the shame, the sadness, the thoughts that she didn't deserve love and to get those off her. I was guided to tell her she was a beautiful young girl who deserved to be loved and not mistreated like this.
I could hear her apologizing for all this pain. She was apologizing she let this happen. I was guided to help her remove all of that. There was nothing to be sorry for.
I was guided to release that dark energy from Mexico and burn it.
I could see the ocean in Mexico. Yes, it was beautiful. But also dark and scary. I could feel the push and pull of the ocean - being just like my ex. He would push and pull constantly. He would grab me and throw me out - only to manipulate me right back in.
I was guided to let that energy go. I was guided to shine the brightest light to shine over all the dark that had wrapped itself around my young self. I saw an image of that black stuff exploding with the brightest light. It was difficult. I needed to ask my subconscious to repeat the image and continue to explode the dark with the light. It was a powerful feeling.
I was guided to come back to a beach- back home - here in America - where my young self could be safe - sitting right next to me. I was told it's now time to nurture her and protect her. She needs to heal.
This was a powerful session. A lot came up. I didn’t think the stuff with my ex, Mexico, the panic attack on Laurel Canyon would come up.
I needed to talk about some of the stuff that came up - the dark entity - words like Karma. I clench up on that stuff.
Ursula was completely understanding and didn’t take offense. She began to explain in words that were more comforting and made sense to me.
I took it like this: You live this life - and yes there are consequences to your actions. She said the dark energy or entity she referred to is - for lack of a better word - moronic - lazy - zombie like. They like to climb in your head and make you feel scared and alone.
Our minds are so complicated yet simple. It’s as if when you are weak - you can allow your mind to clobber you with bullshit that will weigh you down. These thoughts that you are worthless, you should be scared - thoughts that leave you in a corner curled up terrified - you have the power to grab those thoughts and see them for the silly bastards they are - liars.
The word Karma - I'm uncomfortable with it. It sounds punishing. Even to those who have wronged me, I don't want anyone to be hurt . Now I am aware anger is a very difficult emotion for me. I don't like being mad at people, and I certainly don't like them being mad at me. (Work ahead)
My favorite part of the session was when I was guided me to form the image of taking my young innocent self, and tucking her into my heart where she can now be safe. She has been rescued. She can now be safe and back with me.
We closed the session with love.
I am gearing up for my next session. Another step forward on this incredible journey.
A few thoughts and feelings since my last session.
I did write a letter to my friend’s sister. It felt wonderful. I got to apologize for unintentionally hurting any feelings. I got to empower myself, stand up for myself, and write about how I had been feeling. I got to write words of healing, about moving on, and a toast to new beginnings. I hope the letter was received well.
I was feeling really good after that letter. I felt clear. I felt strong.
Some raw feelings still came up. This argument with these childhood friends causes emotions for my family. It is very hard to hear how worried, concerned and emotional they are. I am trying to accept that all of us have a right to our feelings. I’m trying to be able to hear them too. But it’s hard. I’m trying to change patterns here. It isn’t easy. I'm doing things differently, however, not everyone has chosen this path.
I still haven’t heard back. It hurts a little. I guess they can't show up for this part.
I still wake up feeling a little lighter. I don’t feel as heavy. All my anxiety and all my pain isn’t gone. I still feel pain and sadness. Letting go isn't easy. There is a lot of work to do here. But peeling back the layers, and sorting through the details, - one by one - that’s not feeling so scary right now.
I feel open. I feel truthful. I feel I’ve got my back.
It is amazing to watch the play out and the timing. It was likely the Facebook post that triggered (pun intended) the 11 year old to come out. The Gun fight is appropriate. I liked when her parts first showed up, that they were armed but didn’t want to fight. We don’t have to fight. Fighting rarely gets us the results we are looking for. When we feel armed, that is enough. I can fight if I have to, if I want to, but I would rather keep MY peace. That’s a move in the right direction, when we can protect ourselves, provide safety for ourselves, and choose peace. Our strong parts can defend our sweet parts. Our angry parts can inspire our strong parts to show up for our system. All parts are welcome. There is a time and a place for anger, but it doesn’t have to do the talking NOR the decision making. That is power, that is self love.
I'm so excited about writing this blog. I feel so electrical and tingly about it. I need to ramble a little bit before I get into what happened in my 3rd session with Ursula.
It’s really amazing how we hold on to old beliefs, which we take with us and develop patterns that we believe we need in our lives to exist. But some of these old beliefs and patterns don’t serve us. They actually never did. But it’s scary to let them go. I imagine it’s like...if you believed a religion your whole life...and you come to find out the religion doesn’t serve you anymore, that it actually pulls you down, and you don’t believe or resonate in it anymore - so you decide to let it go. But it’s hard. It’s been a huge chunk of your life. Well whether a religion or old thoughts - growing up and taking care of yourself - well shit happens.
Deep breath. I needed a deep breath. This is what it feels like for me. I’ve had beliefs about myself - my whole life. And now, I’m not believing some of this stuff - or resonating with some of the people in my life who have been around a long time. It’s scary. I’ve always feared if I was “me” I would be alone. Well, who am I? Am I the me other people think I am? Or the me they want me to be? Am I the me who I’ve falsely believed is me? Or am I finally allowing the real me out - the me who I’ve always known is me? Whooooeee! That's it. Yes, please take a minute to uncross your eyes.
I’d like to discuss my mood before I went into my session. I ended up writing a letter to my friend. (The long time friend who I’ve been in an argument with for the past 6 months). It was heartfelt, compassionate, and honest. I received back, just a couple lines. It was all she could give. It was a thank you, nice to hear from you, and she wished me and my family well. So, it was pleasant. Of course, I would have liked to go deeper. I had written a lot. I had written about my own hurt feelings. I wrote I would like to mend this, but I didn't know how. The letter back was formal.
I found out her sister was upset with me too.
I was filled with so much pain and agony when all of this began. These days with Facebook, you can't seem to take a break from people. I couldn’t bear seeing her name, or her family's names on there. I blocked them for a while. But I would still see them. I reacted quickly and I took them off Facebook. Now honestly I don’t hold Facebook to be “real life”. But I’ve come to find out a lot of people do. To some what I did was cowardly. Oooosh, that hurt. I felt sad I hurt them. I spoke with Ursula about these feelings. She suggested writing a letter to her sister too - that parting with these feelings would be a release.
After releasing some of the raw feelings it was time to do some subconscious work.
I was feeling very jittery. The dog was trying to get in the room. The cats were hovering. I had to tried to set it up so I could focus on my session. Somehow all the four legged family members wanted to get in on this one. Eventually the animals calmed down. I was able to get to work.
We invited all the beautiful compassionate feelings to come forward to help with the emotions that wanted to be addressed today.
The first emotion to present itself was anger in the image of a bar fight scene. That was a surprise. It was a sort of Mexican stand off. I could see hands making finger guns. They were facing off prepared for a fight. They wanted to hold off from shooting, protect themselves, and get out of the bar as quickly, quietly and unharmed as possible.
The next emotion to come out was anxiety who showed up in the image of an icicle or a sort of decoration that looked like a spinning icicle. It was beautiful. It felt it needed to expose itself. It was spinning and I could see different colors - white and light purples. I felt it was trying to figure out things - figure out its next move. It was standing beside anger.
The next emotion was shame. Shame came forward like a rolly polly - sort of . It was big and all balled up. Ursula said she saw an armadillo and I immediately said yes! She said to hold it. So I did. It didn’t unroll itself but became sort of comical. It was communicating “I get it - everyone's got their feelings. I do too. I feel uncomfortable too.” It certainly didn’t want to take on any more feelings from other people. It preferred to leave get out of the bar. It wanted to honor and respect everyone’s feelings - but it clearly didn’t want to take on the responsibility of everyone’s feelings. It was asking anger and anxiety to tip their hats - go outside into the air and the Sun - and move on. It was communicating to the reset of the bar - “Back off. We just want to leave and go on with our lives now.”
So all the emotions that wanted to express themselves were out. I was then guided to think about a time - a time that would like to present itself for healing.
I was about 11 years old - back on the street in front of my childhood home on Clinton Street, -and there was the “bar fight” scene.
I was standing alone, with friends around me, in pain, not knowing how to get out of very uncomfortable situation. There was a girl (she was one of my bullies) in our neighborhood who for some reason didn’t take a liking to me at all. She would make jokes at my expense, sneers and make fun of me, in front of all our friends.
The joke that clearly came to mind in this “bar fight” scene was this: She said to me: “ I have a joke that will knock your tits off but I see you already heard it it”. The minute I said it out loud, in the session - free to say it - knew I had to say it out loud here and now, I felt the pain rise up into me again. My chest felt heavy. I waited a minute. I communicated how devastating that joke was to me.
I could hear Ursula talking to me. She found that joke insulting and mean. She said what an awful thing for someone to say to a young girl who is right in the stages of changing and growing. Her words were so soothing to me.
I communicated how I really always hated that joke. I felt like no one came to my defense. They all laughed. I felt as if they all defended her, with the attitude “it’s just a joke”, looking at me as if I took it too seriously. I felt so alone. These were all friends of mine. I hoped they would come to my defense. But they didn’t. They still laughed with her. She told that joke so many times.
Recently, on Facebook, she came back to tell that joke - there it was - right there in a comment. I saw the joke on a friends wall. The minute I saw it I froze. She said it to me. I don't know if she knew I would see - I felt I was being smoked out. I wanted to say something. Again, no one said anything. If anything I saw laughter follow, once again. She was not called out for it. Again! I’ve talked to some of my childhood friends about this, they all seem to think - “Oh lighten up, we all went through it. Don’t take it seriously.” My subconscious was mad at that fucking joke, the fucking bully and my friends standing around doing nothing.
I was guided to stand by 11 year old self, grab her sweet hand, and tell her I'm here now. I told her that joke was unacceptable. She was allowed to roar at everyone. I was able to tell her that wasn't a nice thing, and even though you felt you were alone, I'm here now. I came back to help her.
I was guided to tell her we are altogether now. We can face them off together. I was handed me an image - I was told to give her a bandanna, chaps, and some pistols. So 11 year old me, costumed up, along my adult self standing right next to her, gun toted fingers, shame, anxiety - we all stood together. This time 11 year old me - was not alone.
I was guided to help 11 year old me to take all those sad, angry feelings and let them go. It felt great.
I felt a powerful, a little scary - but courageous - feeling rise up to surround us - telling us it's time to move on.
This was a really great session. We closed the session and I slowly came back to present time. There was lots of tingling in my hands. My body felt electrical. A lot of work had been done.
I could see my two cats in the room. They had been sitting there with me the whole time. It was as if they too wanted to help me release some of this stuff. It was nice to see them there. I was not alone.
The days after my session I have been feeling pretty good. I feel as if I have little 4 and 7 year old old tucked safely in my heart. I even saw pictures of her, and my heart felt happy. There she is, smiling, and I'm right here for her. There was one picture I saw, and she was crying. I couldn’t remember why she was crying. It was me, my dad and my sister. He appeared to be talking to us. Both of us were crying. My tears actually looked beautiful. My face look sweet, as if to say, I'm feeling, I’m sad, help me through this. I felt strong watching her. Again, I say to her, I’m here!
There was a moment I was having sad feelings. I was really overwhelmed. It was the day Of Thanksgiving. I walked around feeling uncomfortable. I went up to my mom and told her. She looked at me and said, “You are probably picking up on a lot of feelings today. You know, you are sensitive to that.” Wow! My mom has never said that before. I told her about the session with Ursula. She smiled. It was a really nice moment of acknowledgement about who I am, from my mom.
I had another moment where I was in a crowded restaurant, waiting to pick up lunch. I was with my family, surrounded by a sea of people - way over capacity. My husband even pointed out (not a good idea with someone already struggling with anxiety) that the restaurant was way over people capacity. It even said it on the wall. Capacity 75. There were well over 200 people and more pouring in.
When we walked in, I wanted to run. But my son and husband wanted to stay and get lunch. Thankfully to go. The words to go calmed me down a little. I broke down the task. Order. Get a corner to stand in and wait. Then we will be out!
It took 40 minutes to get our food! Lots of people. I actually didn’t sense anyone angry. I actually senses more people were overwhelmed. So I stayed calm. Now I don’t like people touching me. But I managed. I looked around. Some looked sad. Some looked very hungry. Some looked calm. I kept circling the room - looking at faces - scanning moods. But for the most part - it was okay. At one point I saw a frazzled dad who had just ordered his lunch. He and son tucked themselves behind me. The dad said, this is going to be a long wait. And the kid said, “It’ll be worth it.”. I thought that was beautiful. The kid was hopeful, happy and hungry.
We finally got our food and got out of there. That was a relief.
On the way home, I nibbled out of the bag. I sure was hungry.
Was it worth it? Yes. My family was happy.
Another morning - I was not feeling so good. Lots of dreams. Some of the dreams I felt shame about. I don’t even want to divulge here because they are private. They probably won’t make sense. I’m not sure if they make sense to me. I can’t really figure out the whys, hows and what happened. I just know I woke up feeling heavy. Heavy with emotion.
I wanted to take all that shit and scoot it under the bed with the dust bunnies. But what if they return even more powerful tonight.
So I began to talk to myself. Every part was rattled. The dragon wanted to breathe fire. I said, there’s nothing to burn right now.
Snarky was all frustrated.
Little me kept saying, how are we going to do this? I don’t want to go anywhere.
I kept reassuring everyone it’s ok. We are home. We are safe. We are ok. I’m here.
YEs, I felt like the parent who wants to reassure everyone it’s ok, but instead feels like screaming what the fuck is happeneing! Too many thoguhts! Too many feelings! Fuck!
Shame showed up. Why don’t you want to make plans? Why don’t you make more plans.? You don’t see enough people. Why don’t you invite more people over?
Then I said, we are working on ourselves. We are working on being okay with ourselves. We are working on feeling confident to be our authentic selves hoping our loved ones understand us too.
So, I have been puttering around. I do feel a little displaced. I think all my pieces are walking around mumbling to themselves. I say to them all go ahead. Don’t start trouble. We can communicate. But go ahead...feel.
Our second session clearly reminds me being a Highly Sensitive Person is something we all need to know about. If we are not one, I am sure we know someone who is one. Probably as parents, we need to educate ourselves what a Highly Sensitive Person is.
The Highly Sensitive Person, the research work of Dr. Elaine Aron
Here is an entire world of relief. Tests, articles and even proof that you are not TOO MUCH!
When we are sensitive we have a entirely different world we live in compared to non-sensitive people. It's as if our skin is thin instead of thick. ‘Take it like a man’ is our nightmare. We are sensitive, gentle, sweet, kind and loving. We can't even help it. The world is not like that, nor understands how we could be so fragile at times. We think others are brutes and animals and don't understand how they can be so dense and ignorant. As a child, our parents are our primary reference for the world. If they are not sensitive then we are convinced we are the ones who are odd, broken, don't fit in, must be from another planet, and suspicious that we were adopted because we surely don't belong to this family. ‘What's the matter with you?!’, was the typical reaction when we were simply being ourselves.
There was a funny moment for me when Anxiety showed up. I saw a little snippy dog, like a Terrier, barking and running underfoot - hyper, obnoxious, and can't even communicate with it. That's the nature of Anxiety.
When I feel Anxious, it gets coupled with nervous and scared. For Rebecca, it was a helpful, strong and protectful part.
We are all wired differently. It's the way we cope with life and events that shape us into who we are. We often think, the past is in the past, who cares. Not true. We live FROM the past.
I have been talking to myself a lot, both the inner child, and the adult me. I have a kinder voice it seems.
I did write the note to my friend. It was coldly received. I got cold response. She is not ready to discuss, or
hear me as I would like. So I respect the boundaries. I am going to work on it with myself right now. Yes, it
hurts. But it's good to know, I'm here.
So I reviewed the video from my first session with Ursula. Right away I was uncomfortable watching myself on video. I was very critical. I slowly relaxed a little and looked through the eyes of Mental Girl instead. I could see my discomfort in the beginning. It can be awkward and scary to look within one’s subconscious and see what comes up.
Ursula looked beautiful, confident and relaxed.
I immediately hear my laugh. It’s my uncomfortable, I don’t know what I’m doing, laugh. I feel like I do that to release tension and to get reassurance from the other person. This time it was Ursula. Am I doing this right? I feel silly. I feel vulnerable. I feel nervous.
Ursula was great at guiding me along.
Even if you don’t believe in spirituality or use the dialogue of most healers - you can really look at this process scientifically and logically. It’s a really cool process - doing subconscious work. You have a dialogue with different facets of yourself.
Ursula calls this subconscious work. She also calls it Internal Family Systems.
I could tell my nerves were blocking me from taking instruction at times. The only requirement, really, was to be present, in the moment, to be honest, allow stuff to come up naturally, and be open to Ursula as she guided me.
I listened as the different parts came up. Again, I had to keep reminding myself not to judge. It was really hard to do watching the video. (Really hard to do - I’m judgey) So I decided to stop watching. It was my first session. I remember after the session feeling it went well. But I had a strong urge to stop watching the video now. It was a gut instinct. I felt as if I was nitpicking myself. I was judging the process. Sometimes I would close my eyes and just listen to our voices, and then remember the session better.
I made another appointment with Ursula for my next session. Guess what? She, like me, felt we shouldn’t record the sessions, and that watching the video of me during a healing, could take something away from the process. We both felt for some reason, the recording felt uncomfortable. So we agreed for now on, we would have the session without recording. I will write about my sessions from a calm, quiet, relaxed (and non judgey) place.
We are on the same page. I like that. Mental Girl does too.
Ursula Lentine's healing is called Internal Family Systems. She also calls it subconscious work. . I went back and edited my previous posts. I apologize for the confusion. .
Here is the link to her site. http://www.ursulalentine.com/
I felt pretty good today. I felt awake and aware. I noticed the different characters that came up in the session came into my mind today. Am I cured of everything? No. But remember, if you read my book, I don’t believe in a cure. I also didn’t start this new process to be cured of anything. I believe in accepting who I am and rolling with that.
I may not believe in a cure, but I to believe in those magical feelings that come up, when you begin to embrace who you really are. I feel if I set myself up for a “cure”....that means I am also accepting that I need to be fixed. And guess what? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I need to embrace and accept who I am.
I went out this morning to run some errands.
Ran into a jerk on the street. That happens. I live in L.A. The dude just zipped around me and raced only to get to a red stop light.
Oh I wanted to Barney Fife his ass….but then I had a voice that yelled, “Wait! Don’t waste your energy. It’s not your job to take care of him. So I went on.
I long for the day I just tut tut behavior like that. But that might not happen. I may always react a little to rudeness. But I didn’t act out on those feelings. That urge to Barney Fife his ass...is a part of me. She’s sassy and fights for justice. As Ursula said to me, we don’t want to get rid of any of my parts.
So I went the rest of the day just feeling my feelings, being aware of the different characters that make up Rebecca, and it felt good.
Accepting ourself and all our parts.
Technically, we can say "ourselves"
The premise of this work is that we have a True Self and then all our parts. I say our Best Self and then all the parts of ourselves are ego based.
I am a Metaphysician, I explain that an angry man lives in an an angry world and peaceful man lives in a peaceful world.
They live in the same world, How we see the world is how we respond to the world.
When life happens, we respond to it. We are taught and role modeled how to respond to it. Most of our impressions happen before we can see the bigger picture. When we are small human beings we are sponges, soaking up everything, as real. Instead of saying, "oh my parents are messed up and ignorant of what would work better." We conclude, "oh, it must be my fault, I am not worth it." It goes on for generations.
When we are getting to know our parts, it's a very curious thing. Cautious at first, transforming, then falling in love with them before the hour is up. It's so beautiful for me to witness and usher. I love this work because it empowers the client. I could do all the work for them, but I purposely do it the way I do, so the client can get the satisfaction and fulfillment of the adventure of reconnecting.
When we don't accept ourselves, then we are rejecting ourselves. Which turns out to be a split in our self love, self respect. That split takes on a "way" of it's own. It's a belief, a feeling, a phrase, a stab, a jab, a practice, a negativity, a family habit. When we can identify, then we can make some new choices on how we deal with it. When we are healing it, then we can keep the good of it and love it. To know something deeply is to love it. When we stop fighting ourselves, we can calm down considerably.
I am happy. In just our first session, Rebecca, is already getting closer to self acceptance.
I had my first, ever, never did it before, Internal Family Systems Healing session with Ursula yesterday. As I said, I was a bit nervous about timing and worried I would be distracted because I knew I had to pick our dog, Ruby up at the vet. But I was committed and as soon as I buckled myself in, I was ready.
Oh Ruby was fine. I was so happy when I picked her up. (Just in case you wondered)
I had to get an app on my phone, for Zoom, it’s like Skype. That process was interesting. I’m not computer savvy. I usually think I’m doing it wrong. I wing it,every time. I don’t understand all these apps and gadgets. I think it’s super cool I can have conferences, meetings and even healing sessions in the comfort of my home, but figuring out how everything works…..that takes deep breaths. I did it!
It was neat, there was Ursula talking to me on my phone. Okay, I still think that is so “it’s the Jetsons” cool.
Ursula asked me what words I would like to use for our session. We went through some, Higher Consciousness - NO. That word annoys me. I told her. She was completely fine with my honesty. Guardian Angels? NO. (The idea of a Guardian Angel makes me uncomfortable and think of death) A lot of these “Spiritual words”, I feel, in my own opinion, are overused now. I have read in a lot of Spiritual books. I wanted new words, my own words, and Ursula was asking me, and giving me a choice.
Ursula was amazing. I had my first cry of the session because she asked me what I wanted. She was so kind, respectful and understanding. She wanted to be able to communicate with me, so I was in my own cozy comfortable zone. She didn’t TELL me that I had to speak like her or that there were any rules. That’s a win for me. When I feel heard, I cry. When I feel there is room for me to speak as ME, I cry.
So far, the healing, with Ursula, well, I was feeling we were on the right track.
Most healers and therapists have a tone….it brings up a uh oh….I’m going to do it wrong or I feel they are better than me. I like to feel my own spiritual vibe. I strongly believe one size doesn’t fit all. I also believe that the healer and the one wanting to be healed, should feel on the same playing field.
Ursula got me.
We fiddled until we got the mechanics right.
The session began. (She is going to give me a copy, so I can go through it, and follow my thoughts and feelings in another blog). We agreed, I am only to talk and blog about my own feelings, reactions and thoughts. She has had a lot of training and I am not here to give away her gift, or give away her magic tricks, for lack of a better word. I am here to talk about my experience.
Okay, so in a nutshell, just free flowing, these are the characters who came up in my session.
A Dog (he was on my neck - he keeps me tense, alert) It felt like he guards me and is VERY protective.
A snarky, sort of tsk tsk woman. She was concerned. She wasn’t too sure about the session. She's a bit pessimistic.
A young me (about four years old). When I pictured her in my mind, I began to cry. She was so filled with curiosity and play. She really wanted to be heard.
My dad (he passed away almost 30 years ago). He showed up. He was a bit stern. He was a little too protective of the little me. (I think him and the dog have a lot in common)
Then I showed up - the NOW me. I held little me. I pictured little me flying into NOW me’s arms.
I went numb in my lips and fingers. I recognize that feeling. I’ve had that before when the real me shows up. I know I’m getting to the nitty grittys and then ting….body says…..just in case….let’s numb her out a little bit.
There were moments I struggled to come up with images. When that happened, I saw gray and murky waters.
The whole time, Ursula was fine with anything and everything. She encouraged me to let whatever thoughts and feelings I had rise to the surface. She guided and directed the characters and people coming into my mind to help with the healing.
Towards the end, Snarky tsk tsk lady showed up. She noticed the time and said you need to wrap this up)...I had to pick up Ruby. But that’s ok. We had done a lot of work. I also like that I have an inner timer. It had been a good first session. I was ready to wrap it up.
So I’ll get to review our session with a recording. This is not something Ursula normally does. But since we are blogging and working on this project together, she is allowing me to review the recorded session.
My first session with Ursula went very well. I felt safe and connected with her and at the same time felt reassured to be myself at all times. I didn't know what to expect, but with Ursula, who guides you and constantly reassures you, being the real you is all that is required. It was a lovely experience.
Monday is the “beginning” of the week. My favorites are Friday, Saturday and Sunday. But I can’t stop the other days from happening, and appointments get made. I can’t convince the whole world to change course. So Monday, hello. I don’t usually book stuff on Mondays. I like to keep Monday’s quiet so I can start the whole week of with ease. Yeah, most people say start Monday off with a bang. Start the exercise, make plans….I’m pooped just thinking about it.
I had to wake up early to take our sweet little dog to the vet for a teeth cleaning. Now before you say, oh that? That’s nothing. It is something. She’s older. She has to be put under the sleep juice. I’m told she is having teeth removed, along with blood, an EKG, urgh. She is super small dog - 6lbs of pure gold. She’s smaller than the cats! We love our vet. She assures me this is very common with small dogs. Their teeth get a little looser and rot out when they get older. She’s an older broad with a very young spirit. Like me. I’ve got friends who say if I was a dog, they picture I would look like Ruby. Ruby is tough when she needs or wants to be...but the sweetest gentlest dog on the planet...with some anxiety issues. Sound familiar? (well it would to those of you who read the first book, Mental Girl or know me)
Oh no pressure about getting to know me or read my book. Dammit! I’m over worrying.
Deep breath. Mental Girl!
Okay….so she’s at the vet now. I’m nervous and worried and wait for the the call she is doing OK and ready for pick her up.
In the meantime I booked my first Pranic Healing session. When I booked it I was very excited. I actually still am. I’m just nervous about my focus, the timing, and…..oh dammit! I just wish I could have booked this tomorrow. Tuesday. I like starting the bookings, the meetings, the appointments, and the get togethers after Monday.
Mental Girl says….hold up! You didn’t. And that’s ok. The teeth cleaning had to be done, and I needed Ruby’s vet to be there. It will be uncomfortable, but I am doing the right thing by Ruby to take care of her. Oh...did I mention the bill is going to EXPENSIVE? Urgh. Note to people who adopted small dogs: clean their teeth! Bruth them now! Dental work for dogs is pricey!
Mental Girl says breathe. Let’s Pranic!
So back to the Pranic Healing. I’m nervous. I don’t know what’s ahead. I’ve never done this. What if I’m numb to it? What if it doesn’t work on me? What if it doesn’t work with Ursula? What if…..
Mental Girl just stepped in again. Adventures are just that...you don’t know, you don’t plan, you can’t see it all...but you give it a try. That’s it. I’m giving it a try.
The rest of my day is filled with Mom duties, wife duties, house duties, and pet duties...life duties. I guess when I really see it through Mental Girl’s eyes...it really is all an adventure. Everyone is feeling the adventure. Everyone (unless you are an asshole) is just trying to put on their best selves and fucking do this thing called life. And that’s me. Okay….deep breath inserted. Let’s do this.
In my book Mental Girl, I talk about the search for a cure to heal my mind and that I believe there no cure. I believe in self care, healing, trying on new things, learning new things. But the bottom line, so I don’t set up myself to fail or fall...I don’t look to “cure” myself. Mental Girl’s goal (mine too because I am her) is to like myself as is...moles (mental tics, warts (anxiety), sunspots (I actually now have those - but let’s say...this is that weird feeling inside that you aren’t worthy). I, along with Mental Girl’s help, am trying to love and like myself as I am.
I decided to venture out on an adventure with a healer named Ursula Lentine. She read Mental Girl and after meeting and discussing ideas, we decided to work together on a project. She would offer me her gift of Internal Family Systems, and I would offer my gift (Mental Girl’s chutzpah and gift of gab) and write about it.
Am I nervous? Sure. Am I wondering what will happen? Of course. Am I excited? Yes.
When I met Ursula I scanned her. I do that with everyone. I scan for ways to connect and relate. I wanted to make sure we communicated well together. We spoke about the project.
One of the things I really like right away was she felt grounded. It’s important to me to be tethered to this world. I enjoy talking about spirituality and religion, but I also like to feel a table is a table, and that there is no right way to do this thing called life.
Ursula was easy to talk with, she had a great laugh, a contagious smile, and I felt a click. I need those clicks. It just lets me know, okay, she sees me, I see her, we are groovin’.
My first session is coming up. I will blog about it. Again, of course I’m nervous. I’m not sure what to expect. We are going in it with open minds and hearts. We both agreed to be honest with each other and open to the adventure ahead.
So here we go Mental Girl...put on your your cape, grab my hand….