I'm so excited about writing this blog. I feel so electrical and tingly about it. I need to ramble a little bit before I get into what happened in my 3rd session with Ursula.
It’s really amazing how we hold on to old beliefs, which we take with us and develop patterns that we believe we need in our lives to exist. But some of these old beliefs and patterns don’t serve us. They actually never did. But it’s scary to let them go. I imagine it’s like...if you believed a religion your whole life...and you come to find out the religion doesn’t serve you anymore, that it actually pulls you down, and you don’t believe or resonate in it anymore - so you decide to let it go. But it’s hard. It’s been a huge chunk of your life. Well whether a religion or old thoughts - growing up and taking care of yourself - well shit happens.
Deep breath. I needed a deep breath. This is what it feels like for me. I’ve had beliefs about myself - my whole life. And now, I’m not believing some of this stuff - or resonating with some of the people in my life who have been around a long time. It’s scary. I’ve always feared if I was “me” I would be alone. Well, who am I? Am I the me other people think I am? Or the me they want me to be? Am I the me who I’ve falsely believed is me? Or am I finally allowing the real me out - the me who I’ve always known is me? Whooooeee! That's it. Yes, please take a minute to uncross your eyes.
I’d like to discuss my mood before I went into my session. I ended up writing a letter to my friend. (The long time friend who I’ve been in an argument with for the past 6 months). It was heartfelt, compassionate, and honest. I received back, just a couple lines. It was all she could give. It was a thank you, nice to hear from you, and she wished me and my family well. So, it was pleasant. Of course, I would have liked to go deeper. I had written a lot. I had written about my own hurt feelings. I wrote I would like to mend this, but I didn't know how. The letter back was formal.
I found out her sister was upset with me too.
I was filled with so much pain and agony when all of this began. These days with Facebook, you can't seem to take a break from people. I couldn’t bear seeing her name, or her family's names on there. I blocked them for a while. But I would still see them. I reacted quickly and I took them off Facebook. Now honestly I don’t hold Facebook to be “real life”. But I’ve come to find out a lot of people do. To some what I did was cowardly. Oooosh, that hurt. I felt sad I hurt them. I spoke with Ursula about these feelings. She suggested writing a letter to her sister too - that parting with these feelings would be a release.
After releasing some of the raw feelings it was time to do some subconscious work.
I was feeling very jittery. The dog was trying to get in the room. The cats were hovering. I had to tried to set it up so I could focus on my session. Somehow all the four legged family members wanted to get in on this one. Eventually the animals calmed down. I was able to get to work.
We invited all the beautiful compassionate feelings to come forward to help with the emotions that wanted to be addressed today.
The first emotion to present itself was anger in the image of a bar fight scene. That was a surprise. It was a sort of Mexican stand off. I could see hands making finger guns. They were facing off prepared for a fight. They wanted to hold off from shooting, protect themselves, and get out of the bar as quickly, quietly and unharmed as possible.
The next emotion to come out was anxiety who showed up in the image of an icicle or a sort of decoration that looked like a spinning icicle. It was beautiful. It felt it needed to expose itself. It was spinning and I could see different colors - white and light purples. I felt it was trying to figure out things - figure out its next move. It was standing beside anger.
The next emotion was shame. Shame came forward like a rolly polly - sort of . It was big and all balled up. Ursula said she saw an armadillo and I immediately said yes! She said to hold it. So I did. It didn’t unroll itself but became sort of comical. It was communicating “I get it - everyone's got their feelings. I do too. I feel uncomfortable too.” It certainly didn’t want to take on any more feelings from other people. It preferred to leave get out of the bar. It wanted to honor and respect everyone’s feelings - but it clearly didn’t want to take on the responsibility of everyone’s feelings. It was asking anger and anxiety to tip their hats - go outside into the air and the Sun - and move on. It was communicating to the reset of the bar - “Back off. We just want to leave and go on with our lives now.”
So all the emotions that wanted to express themselves were out. I was then guided to think about a time - a time that would like to present itself for healing.
I was about 11 years old - back on the street in front of my childhood home on Clinton Street, -and there was the “bar fight” scene.
I was standing alone, with friends around me, in pain, not knowing how to get out of very uncomfortable situation. There was a girl (she was one of my bullies) in our neighborhood who for some reason didn’t take a liking to me at all. She would make jokes at my expense, sneers and make fun of me, in front of all our friends.
The joke that clearly came to mind in this “bar fight” scene was this: She said to me: “ I have a joke that will knock your tits off but I see you already heard it it”. The minute I said it out loud, in the session - free to say it - knew I had to say it out loud here and now, I felt the pain rise up into me again. My chest felt heavy. I waited a minute. I communicated how devastating that joke was to me.
I could hear Ursula talking to me. She found that joke insulting and mean. She said what an awful thing for someone to say to a young girl who is right in the stages of changing and growing. Her words were so soothing to me.
I communicated how I really always hated that joke. I felt like no one came to my defense. They all laughed. I felt as if they all defended her, with the attitude “it’s just a joke”, looking at me as if I took it too seriously. I felt so alone. These were all friends of mine. I hoped they would come to my defense. But they didn’t. They still laughed with her. She told that joke so many times.
Recently, on Facebook, she came back to tell that joke - there it was - right there in a comment. I saw the joke on a friends wall. The minute I saw it I froze. She said it to me. I don't know if she knew I would see - I felt I was being smoked out. I wanted to say something. Again, no one said anything. If anything I saw laughter follow, once again. She was not called out for it. Again! I’ve talked to some of my childhood friends about this, they all seem to think - “Oh lighten up, we all went through it. Don’t take it seriously.” My subconscious was mad at that fucking joke, the fucking bully and my friends standing around doing nothing.
I was guided to stand by 11 year old self, grab her sweet hand, and tell her I'm here now. I told her that joke was unacceptable. She was allowed to roar at everyone. I was able to tell her that wasn't a nice thing, and even though you felt you were alone, I'm here now. I came back to help her.
I was guided to tell her we are altogether now. We can face them off together. I was handed me an image - I was told to give her a bandanna, chaps, and some pistols. So 11 year old me, costumed up, along my adult self standing right next to her, gun toted fingers, shame, anxiety - we all stood together. This time 11 year old me - was not alone.
I was guided to help 11 year old me to take all those sad, angry feelings and let them go. It felt great.
I felt a powerful, a little scary - but courageous - feeling rise up to surround us - telling us it's time to move on.
This was a really great session. We closed the session and I slowly came back to present time. There was lots of tingling in my hands. My body felt electrical. A lot of work had been done.
I could see my two cats in the room. They had been sitting there with me the whole time. It was as if they too wanted to help me release some of this stuff. It was nice to see them there. I was not alone.