The days after my session I have been feeling pretty good. I feel as if I have little 4 and 7 year old old tucked safely in my heart. I even saw pictures of her, and my heart felt happy. There she is, smiling, and I'm right here for her. There was one picture I saw, and she was crying. I couldn’t remember why she was crying. It was me, my dad and my sister. He appeared to be talking to us. Both of us were crying. My tears actually looked beautiful. My face look sweet, as if to say, I'm feeling, I’m sad, help me through this. I felt strong watching her. Again, I say to her, I’m here!
There was a moment I was having sad feelings. I was really overwhelmed. It was the day Of Thanksgiving. I walked around feeling uncomfortable. I went up to my mom and told her. She looked at me and said, “You are probably picking up on a lot of feelings today. You know, you are sensitive to that.” Wow! My mom has never said that before. I told her about the session with Ursula. She smiled. It was a really nice moment of acknowledgement about who I am, from my mom.
I had another moment where I was in a crowded restaurant, waiting to pick up lunch. I was with my family, surrounded by a sea of people - way over capacity. My husband even pointed out (not a good idea with someone already struggling with anxiety) that the restaurant was way over people capacity. It even said it on the wall. Capacity 75. There were well over 200 people and more pouring in.
When we walked in, I wanted to run. But my son and husband wanted to stay and get lunch. Thankfully to go. The words to go calmed me down a little. I broke down the task. Order. Get a corner to stand in and wait. Then we will be out!
It took 40 minutes to get our food! Lots of people. I actually didn’t sense anyone angry. I actually senses more people were overwhelmed. So I stayed calm. Now I don’t like people touching me. But I managed. I looked around. Some looked sad. Some looked very hungry. Some looked calm. I kept circling the room - looking at faces - scanning moods. But for the most part - it was okay. At one point I saw a frazzled dad who had just ordered his lunch. He and son tucked themselves behind me. The dad said, this is going to be a long wait. And the kid said, “It’ll be worth it.”. I thought that was beautiful. The kid was hopeful, happy and hungry.
We finally got our food and got out of there. That was a relief.
On the way home, I nibbled out of the bag. I sure was hungry.
Was it worth it? Yes. My family was happy.
Another morning - I was not feeling so good. Lots of dreams. Some of the dreams I felt shame about. I don’t even want to divulge here because they are private. They probably won’t make sense. I’m not sure if they make sense to me. I can’t really figure out the whys, hows and what happened. I just know I woke up feeling heavy. Heavy with emotion.
I wanted to take all that shit and scoot it under the bed with the dust bunnies. But what if they return even more powerful tonight.
So I began to talk to myself. Every part was rattled. The dragon wanted to breathe fire. I said, there’s nothing to burn right now.
Snarky was all frustrated.
Little me kept saying, how are we going to do this? I don’t want to go anywhere.
I kept reassuring everyone it’s ok. We are home. We are safe. We are ok. I’m here.
YEs, I felt like the parent who wants to reassure everyone it’s ok, but instead feels like screaming what the fuck is happeneing! Too many thoguhts! Too many feelings! Fuck!
Shame showed up. Why don’t you want to make plans? Why don’t you make more plans.? You don’t see enough people. Why don’t you invite more people over?
Then I said, we are working on ourselves. We are working on being okay with ourselves. We are working on feeling confident to be our authentic selves hoping our loved ones understand us too.
So, I have been puttering around. I do feel a little displaced. I think all my pieces are walking around mumbling to themselves. I say to them all go ahead. Don’t start trouble. We can communicate. But go ahead...feel.