oWe began the session talking about all of my feelings which had been rising to the surface since the last session. Feelings of "drama" and anxiety had been stirred. (Well they had been there - but since the last session my tracker was really aware and let me know when they were front and center).
I told Ursula there were things she had said to me during our last session that hadn't really sunk in until the following week after our session. I remembered her saying to me, be aware when drama comes up. And sure enough I became aware and attentive to it. I told her it is so amazing, after our sessions lately, I'm really starting to notice things, noticing my emotions and feelings stirring up and noticing information and tools she has been teaching me which have really begun to make sense and take effect inside me. I feel tingles and shifts taking place inside me.
I spoke about a strong resistance or anxiety towards people speaking with, and I use the term loosely "negative talk". I say this because I do feel people have a right to their feelings and thoughts. I understand they want to share, (so saying it is negative even makes me feel strange now). But basically, when I feel myself being pulled in that direction, I don't like it. I want to pull back into the light. I wasn't sure if that was avoidance. Ursula answered me clearly, no, this was not the case. She said I am now walking my spiritual path and this is what happens when we make a commitment to our true self. She said I don't have to spend any energy trying to change people. She said people are entitled to think and feel what they want. But I can stand up and say, "nope, I want the light. Let's stay in the light." She said, yes, people might get frustrated. She said, it has somehow become the "accepted thing" for people to speak in drama tones or complain. She said, most people feel they need to do this because if they are too happy, they feel, everyone will be irritated. So taking on this tone, they feel, protects them from being judged or people getting jealous.
Well, I admitted I do understand about that. I still have jealousy or weird awkward feelings which do come up when someone tells me all the experiences they are having, or all the accomplishments they have had. However, now that I'm aware, I do announce it though (I say I'm jealous) to close friends or family. I announce my humanness and it feels really good. Ursula really liked that I did that. She said most people won't admit it. It's hard for them to because they don't know they are doing it. I feel really good to do it because it releases some of its potency in me. Also, right after I admit it, I do realize, there is enough to go around. It's great someone is happy or excited, because I have stuff too that I'm happy and excited about as well.
I told her I'm excited about my healing. She encouraged me to go at my own pace. She said don't rush or push. She said why push yourself into something you may not be ready for? I said, thank you. That made me feel really good. I did tell her when the anxiety talks to me, I talk back to it. I'm loving and kind, but also firm. I say well, we are not doing that yet. Or, maybe I don't want to do that. Ursula said great. Great job.
I spoke about my anger with my mom and my husband. I feel guilty when I'm angry at them. So we spoke about releasing that because again, I'm human. I will still go through stuff. It's ok. I really try my best to do the repair work with my loved ones when I'm grouchy, angry, or rude. I want to be better at controlling and managing those emotions. (For the record, because they hear - anxiety, I say to you, I'm not trying to get rid of you - I just don't want you running the show). I don't like being snappy or grumpy.
I have learned so much so far and always feel so supported by Ursula. She guides me to embrace these parts, love these parts, and also give myself credit - I'm acknowledging I would like to work with these parts, so we can heal, grow and move forward.
She encouraged me to talk to my mom, reminding her that I would love to keep an open dialogue with her. It does make me feel more connected. Of course, I want this with my husband too. Wow, as I write this down, stuff from a previous session with Ursula is sparking in my brain. My husband and my mom are in their own heads. They may not be ready to do some of the work that I'm doing (honest raw communication ) and that's ok. I can do this with myself and my parts. Oooooh! So cool that came up as I was writing about this session for this blog.
I spoke about my uncomfortable feelings when people ask how I'm doing. For some reason, I feel like I just want people to look at my face, watch my actions and hear my words. I'm truthful. She said they don't know that. Or at least they may not be where I am. They are in their own heads. She said, they might just want to check in and be loving. So my response could be, "I'm working on myself. I'm moving forward and it feels good." Keep it simple. Give them something they can feel good about. I don't have to go into too much detail.
I also spoke about helping people. I get scared hearing sad stories, still. I'm very sensitive to it all. But...I do want to help. I do feel strong and good when I help others. I just know I have to protect myself and remind myself not to take it all on. But those "drama" feelings really come up at times like these. I'll look back and feel guilty if anxiety or drama came up, even though my reaction and response is calm, cool and collect (on the outside). Inside I'm talking to my parts. I was assured all normal. I was assured all of this is growth and healing taking place.
I was then ready to go into my sub conscious and speak with my drama part who I called Drama Girl. We took a moment to get centered and then asked "Drama Girl" to come forth and show me what she looks like with an image. I could see a girl on roller skates (those are my roller skates in the picture above) snapping her gum. She appeared to have a lot of high energy. I felt a little annoyed with her, but at the same time, it was clear she needed to talk. I was eager to meet and speak with her.
She stated she was angry and frustrated.
Ursula said anger is important. She said listen to anger, listen to what it wants to communicate, but then turn to logic and guide myself to walk towards a solution.
At that point, while I had Drama Girl in my head, I remembered something my mom said. She said when someone is angry (at the time she was referring to an angry boss) she said repeat back what they said to me, clearly and calmly. They will hear the words and either realize how they are talking to me, what they are saying and how they are speaking to me, or they need to take the time to clarify or correct, if I heard it incorrectly. I remembered using it at a job with a boss and it was a really great experience for me. I just remembered that as I was writing this blog. I had that feeling. I've got that tool! I need to use that. I also want to thank my mom for that. It made me happy to think of her so confident and remembering her teaching me.
I was very giddy - I felt it was the energy from Drama Girl. I usually don't take notes during a session, unless Ursula asks me too. But for some reason I didn't want to forget anything. But then I thought - I usually don't forget stuff. Why I am having this need to write everything down right now? I had so much energy running through me. Then I felt Drama Girl was upset because I wasn't paying attention. I had some guilt as I was taking notes. I felt like I should talk about that - and when it was revealed to me that Drama Girl didn't like it - because she felt I was distracted and no longer paying attention to her - I decided to stop taking notes.
Ursula guided me to remember a time - from my past - that really bothered Drama Girl. She was clearly feeling a lot of feelings. I was around 4. My mom dropped me off down the street with a neighbor to take my sister to school. I didn't like it. I feel like that is when Drama Girl showed up. I felt like everyone was labeling me. There's Becky. She is dramatic. I felt ignored and unheard. Just like Drama Girl felt when I was taking notes.
I also remembered a time when I found out my mom had told a lie. I was really angry. I felt like I trusted her and she lied. And the lie stuck with me and caused me fear. (Of course - my mom didn't do this on purpose. No one "makes" you feel a certain way. ) But it really hurt. I was upset. Ursula said it is really hard when you have trust in someone and they let you down. This does hurt. Clearly, Drama Girl, was holding on to a lot of this disappointment, pain, sadness and anger. I was guided to ask her to release this and ask her if she would like to come up with a creative way to express herself now. She said sing. She wanted to sing. She was buzzing around on skates. It was so nice. Ursula said, okay, lets watch her. She is playing. What else? How would she like to play? She wasn't sure. Ursula suggested maybe a dance. Oooh, she liked that. When things get uncomfortable with people or an experience, when I feel Drama Girl wants to pop out, I can do a little dance. It can be obvious or subtle. It can be a real dance or just in my head.
Drama girl really wanted to say how much she liked that Ursula stays calm and that she likes that I'm guided to embrace her and not make her go away. Ursula reassured Drama Girl and all the parts, no one has to go anywhere. They can all be heard. Again, that pop! Right now. As I'm writing, I'm thinking about Ursula who has been telling me from the beginning, all the parts are welcome, but me, Rebecca, my true self makes the decisions. Deep breath inserted here. I get that tingly feeling - a feeling of euphoria - it's excitement but also there is a little anxious feeling. So I say to anxiety right now, it's ok. You are allowed to enjoy the rush of awareness, growth and healing. We are all safe here together.
Drama Girl was reassured and felt more comfortable knowing she has a place and she was heard. We talked to her and said when there is that "oooooh I feel dramatic" feeling getting stirred - we can listen to her - then we will take a deep breath - look at the facts and use logic to move forward. Just like I did recently when helping someone I care very much for who was struggling with something. I stayed calm. I stayed on path. I got to help. I was thanked. I felt good that I had helped.
I was guided to release these intense feelings - anger, disappointment, pain, sadness. Drama Girl was swirling in a fast circle on her skates and released them with me.
Drama Girl felt really good to express herself. We thanked her for showing up. I told her I'm proud of her. I told her I'm glad we got to talk and that she's somebody who will be fun to work with from now on. She brought up some truths for me.
(Woosh - I felt some pressure in my chest as I wrote all this down. Which is okay. Drama Girl it's ok. I am just writing about the session. I love you. Remember we are ok. You are safe. Even when the feelings come up - you and are will work together. I just got up and did a little dance.
I feel very aware - when I feel the truth is not being spoken - or communication between me and someone else is blocked because they won't talk to me - or when I'm feeling I'm pushing myself too hard - Drama Girl will come out. So.....(I just hugged myself and rubbed my back) - we will love each other really tight and work through it with logic and the facts. (Drama girl put the thumbs up on that one)
We ended our session with thanks. Wow! Really cool session.
And Ursula wrote:
As we do our work and start creating more space inside of us there's a different arrangement that happens within our parts. For instance, if an inner bully was running the show before, making us feel bad about ourselves and then we calm down the bully, then the other parts can relax.
But then when everybody starts relaxing and actually enjoying themselves other parts might start feeling nervous, because they're used to somebody mean running the show.
In Rebecca's case, she didn't have a bully but she has an anxious part that was now being replaced by a drama part.
Anxious Parts have been able to calm down. She's healed quite a bit. So drama girl thinks she should stir some things up because Rebecca's system is used to a certain amount of chaos.
And this process will cycle through until the system gains more and more trust for her true self.
I'm always saying that trust is earned. When we meet new people or we join a new group, we learn to trust through experiences and time.
It's the same way on our inward journey.
Trust is also earned by facing challenges, having uncomfortable conversations. We observe what is said and we watch the behavior.
People who are trustworthy have a tendency to believe that everybody else is trustworthy just like them. And that's when we tend to get stomped on. So people who are innocent, like Rebecca, have to actually work at not being so trusting and letting trust be earned little by little. Yes, even in the internal world.
We've worked on anxiety and now Rebecca has a strong relationship with anxiety. She is able to speak with it directly and manage anxiety levels, understand what triggers the anxious parts, and walk through the challenges that are happening.
Things were calm for a while and I knew somebody was going to poke their head up to challenge the calmness. Sure enough in walks drama girl, much more mild than Anxiety. Drama girl is very human. Our social structure makes it easy to connect and communicate to the lowest common denominator. Watch when people gather - what they speak about. It's usually complaining about authorities, picking on somebody who's bright and shiny or an easy target. When people agree on something they feel connected to each other. And it's our human nature to agree on negative things. We have a tendency to all carry fear. We don't say, "Good afternoon, my name is Ursula and I'm afraid, how are you?"
That would actually be pretty funny.
But behind every negative comment is a discomfort, if you kept digging down and asked why, it would be some underlying fear.
But instead of exploring all of that we just agree, because fitting in is very important to us.
When we fight so hard to conquer our demons and our dragons we want to protect that beautiful space that we are creating inside. We want to be gentle and kind all the time. We want to be around people who are gentle and kind. We want the people who we love to feel safe inside like we're feeling.
We enjoy the freedom and we want to share that.
That's sort of the rub on becoming a more awake and aware person;
Our family relationships. They see us doing sessions and being more introverted and thoughtful and taking time to process and communicate. We are changing our behavior. Most of the time when people start going to the gym or wearing their hair differently, it's just a matter of time where they'll revert back into their normal behavior. So when family members see us starting to change our ways they're sitting back, saying to themselves, "uh hah, let's see how long this will last."
But when we're consistent and we're softening or setting better boundaries, they become uncomfortable. So now it's not challenging enough to be on point with ourselves we're noticeably causing discomfort in our household and in our close relationships.
Of course we're excited and we want everybody else to feel as happy and empowered as we do, so we get on the rah rah cheerleader team and want everyone else around us to change too. Which then ends up being annoying to them. Eventually we calm down and just work on ourselves and work on accepting others as they are. Slowly, slowly they will begin to adjust. And as we are building trust within our own selves, we're also earning trust of being our new way with those around us.
The spiritual path sounds so lovely sometimes, but you see there's plenty of work. It takes diligence and consistency and a ton of patience. I would say the most prevalent condition of the spiritual path is to be kind, kind to yourself and kind to others around you as you change. This is a true sign of the spiritual path Traveler.