Once again unveiling with Ursula leads to new growth, healing, and awareness.
This session was a bit different. It wasn't exactly about my parts (which are always there and included) - but I needed to release a lot of feelings, thoughts and emotions which had risen to the surface.
I needed to release feelings that even though I'm proud, excited, and very impressed with my healing and growth - I don't brag to others. I haven't shared too much with family and friends. I'm slowly beginning to, but I keep things on the down low. I feel hesitant to brag because I don't want people's expectations to get too high of me. I don't want to fall down. I feel I'll get punished if I brag. Once I release some of these thoughts - I realize - there is that bully again. There is that worrier. There is the shamer. But now, after the work with Ursula - I realize the parts need to vent a little. They need to share. However - they don't run the show. Rebecca, my true self - is driving, rowing, and steering my ship. I like that visual.
I spoke to her about disappointments I've had - and fears that still come up. She assures me these are all normal. She says having them was and is not the problem. It is how I listen and how I speak to my parts - bringing forth my best self each time so I can adjust, change, and move forward. That's the work I'm doing.
I shared the issues I am facing with my husband. I don't feel connected to him. I feel a bit of a distance between us. His tone and his stories appear to me to be...well..for lack of a better word...a downer.
And then there is the..deep breath here...because it has also come between us..the beard.
Oh the beard.
My husband grew a beard. Not just any beard. A ZZ top long straggly beard. At this point his mustache has grown over his lips. As my dad would say, EGAD! Me no likey at all!
I needed to get silly for a moment. But in all honesty, I'm angry and very much irritated that he won't go back to the handsome man with the goatee he was when we met and I feel looks much better on him. I have been managing my feelings for a couple years now. Yes! This is not just a month or two of irritation that has grown - but years. It's as if this beard is slowly changing him to a grumpier, older, sour, downer. I don't see a twinkle behind the beard. I see sadness and anger.
Another deep breath inserted. This is difficult to write. (Which is why humor is so important to coat my wires. Tenderness and loving self talk is required to coat my wires).
So Ursula and I, together, took a look at my husband.
Ursula feels it is very hard for men. They feel they need to be the protector and the provider. If they don't feel they are doing the job, they will feel worthless. Yes, my husband has been out of work for a few months. (But again - the beard! The beard has been around for years! Yes, that part is angry) Okay deep breath. I had to bring in tenderness and empathy to hear Ursula. She feels my husband may feel like a loser. He doesn't feel the urge to change his looks. It appears he feels down. The beard is him in a funky place. He may be feeling angry and a sense of unhappiness.
She reminds me it is okay to feel all my feelings. She says all my parts are in fact working for me. However, it is important to listen with a loving heart, sort through it all, don't react harshly and ask and bring forth my best self to listen to my parts and move forward to the solutions that will BEST serve ME (which in turn helps my family).
It does make sense. I can understand and feel that acting out with anger, frustration, irritation and just swinging mean words around is not in my best interest.
Ursula reminded me to look at the truth. If my husband is angry and possibly looking for a fight, well then emotionally swinging doesn't sound like the right move - for ME.
She recommended that I begin to reach out - slowly - calmly. She says he may be depressed. She says find a gentle tender approach. I could say something like, "I've noticed you have been sad and a bit snappy. I am worried about you." She said stay with empathy and kindness.
Well, I could hear her saying it and it made a lot of sense. But there were some parts yelling, "I'm mad at him! He won't shave the beard! I'm lonely. I want romance!"
Ursula, with a sound, logical and calm voice reminded me to look at my anger. Anger is a loose cannon. She recommends asking the part who can be like the calm lawyer to present the case. It appears my husband is feeling very inflexible right now. Thank the anger part for sharing, but showing aggressive anger with someone who appears aggressive isn't in our best interest right now. So she reminded me again - work with tenderness. Try speaking with him and say, "I am concerned. I care about your well being and feel worried you are in a dark place. I miss my husband. I want you to feel at peace and relaxed. Grumpy guy has you a bit buried behind that beard."
I was still trying to find some tenderness. My frustration and irritation were still clinging and speaking loudly.
So Ursula said - and this spoke to me. She said your husband was a sweet boy. He thought he had to bury the sweet boy to survive in a world that right now he perceives is awful and needs his anger and aggression. She says talk to his 5 year old self with my 5 year old self. Now, that image was beautiful and began to melt me and make me feel tenderness and compassion.
She said stay away from speaking to my husband with tones of guilt and shame. Use bonding tones and bonding words such as, "I see you aren't happy. I miss you. I see you going down a dark hole - like a dark cave - and I want my husband back. Can you find your way out of the cave? Can I help? I want you to be happy. Please come out. We can figure this out." She says keep it short and sweet. She said try not to ask him too many questions right now. The shorter, calmer, tender words will bring forth the sweeter results.
Ursula allowed all of my parts to speak and feel embraced. She reminded me I am getting more clear with who I am and that I'm moving forward on my path. She says this is my time to create my life. I have been a victim of controlling anxiety. I felt powerless. Now I am stronger, braver, more courageous and feel more power in being my true self. She says I have more clarity. I'm noticing things. I notice things I no longer need or want. I notice things I want, need and am moving towards a healthier and happier life on a daily basis. I am more present. I am creating healthier ways to live, be, think and it does feel good.
I am healing.
Ursula kept speaking words that went straight to my true self who drinks it up like beautiful clear loving healing water - soothing and healing. She says talk to yourself.
I am here.
I will be okay.
I am healing.
I will find a way to work through this with my husband.
I will find solutions for myself, my marriage, and my family.
I will find a way to freedom and peace.
I am moving towards strength and power.
She gently again gave me recommendations for speaking with my husband. "I want you to be fulfilled. I want you happy. We will work out a way."
Ursula reminded me I have choices. I also can make steps to heal regardless of where my husband is at. She said it is important to remind my son when he sees my husband dark, angry or pessimistic with life, tell him soothing words such as, "When daddy is negative, that is his version of reality. That isn't everyone's reality. Everyone has a version. Not everyone lives in a angry world. Lots of people live happy peaceful lives." She says remind him that he gets to decide what kind of world he wants to live in so that he can see he can make decisions to perceive the world as a magical beautiful safe and peaceful place. He doesn't have to see life as his father is right now. She did suggest to me it is important to surround ourselves with men who are calm and grounded. This reminds me of the session last time that I have been desiring to hang out with calm male energy. My son needs this too. It is very important to be balanced and exposed to people who are healing and more at peace.
Ursula was very nice and asked me if I would like to keep this session out of the blog. At first, I thought maybe I should. It is so personal about my marriage. But then I thought maybe this could help someone going through something similar. There is nothing in here that is insulting or mean. It is real, raw and if my husband should read this, I would hope he would see the desire to grow, heal and become more connected with each other to have a better relationship. For all of us. This benefits our family. My husband is a loving, caring and very intelligent person. He is going through a difficult time and it requires patience, love and...tenderness.
We closed the session with thanks.
Partnerships are difficult. We have so many expectation and projections, sometimes it's hard to find the truth between partnership.
As Rebecca grows into her better Self, she is causing her family to shift as well. When people aren't open or ready to the shift, they resist it and tension rises. That's why gentleness is key. We want to treat the family members respectfully while we are changing. It's rougher on them than we realize. The person healing is changing the family dynamics and cultural agreements. The change threatens the relationship in the ways that have existed for years and generations.
As you can see, Rebecca just wanted to fight and scream, like "What's the matter with you! Can't you see this is so obvious!!!" However, it's only obvious to her now, her husband is still in the old paradigm. I know it sounds codependent to speak to him in this way, but he's disempowered at this time. It's for us to have compassion until they can step up and be a responsible partner. Unfortunately, he's not able to show up as a strong partner right now, he doesn't know who she is and therefore it puts him off in his own identity as it relates to her. He's naturally confused and disempowered. If she settles into a rhythm and shows him consistency, he will begin to relax and see how he can participate in her life and satisfy her needs and then they can build a new life together.
Yes, the spiritual path is a long slow journey. Luckily, she's building skills and tools that are providing her with self-care and self-satisfaction. In this version, each other is not responsible for the other's happiness. We are responsible for our own happiness and well-being. Rebecca has her own sense of satisfaction and contribution to the world. When we become more comfortable, our behavior changes. Her son, husband and other family members will pick up on that and see the burden is off of them and they may want to play along in their own version. The tricky part is that this will stir up their own issues and their own parts and then the family has to deal with them too. Eventually, if everybody gets on board, they will be a happier family than they have ever thought they could be. When everyone in the house is self-empowered, safe to emote and share, then life becomes very beautiful and magical.
In self-awareness, we are also becoming aware of boundaries. Things that were so normally excepted before can now be revolting. And the key here is gentle, once again, we must be gentle with ourselves and with others. When we are angry and trying to set boundaries...well you can imagine, that's not going to go over very well. When you're dealing with an angry person and you're trying to set boundaries...that's another situation that will not be successful.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Bad habits were not created in 10 minutes either. Change is difficult and we have to be patient. There's a process going on, there are different elements going on, and it can get very confusing. Bottom line is there's no rush. Anything that is this difficult - apply love and compassion and keep moving in
the right direction.