Okay, so at the beginning of the session I had a whole other plan - I had things written down - things I wanted to discuss. But the minute I heard Ursula's voice, my parts just started chatting away.
I wanted to share with her the work I did speaking up for myself with my husband. I really did it. I was clear, concise. I wasn't insulting or had any intention of being rude. I spoke the truth. I spoke to him about the beard - that I was unattracted to his long beard. I was clear. I didn't tell him to cut it. I just said, once again, I don't like it. She was very proud of me. That felt good. It was scary. Oh yes. But I stayed on course. I didn't waver from the truth. I even spoke about my part in the equation - my part in our relationship. I apologized for life being challenging with me over the years. But then before I spiraled down - and started to feel shame - I swooped back up into my confident self - declaring all the work I've done and all the work I'm still doing. I'm still in counseling, healing and doing this hard subconscious work with Ursula.
I'm giving Ron time to digest the information and the words I spoke to him. But waiting is hard. As I wait all my dark thoughts, fears and worries have begun rising to the surface.
My parts wanted to talk about the thoughts coming up. There has been a little bit of struggle with OCD, dark thoughts, and weird random thoughts popping up in my head. But again, before I spiraled down too far into shame and sadness, I swooped back up again and was clear and concise. I was aware the dark thoughts were NOT me.
Now the struggle with the OCD, germ worry, moving forward, pushing more boundaries - that's real - that's the stuff I'm still working on. I was not spiraling down, but I said I'm scared. It's a lot. It feels like so much work to do.
Ursula was clear. That's ok. She said I've been doing a lot of work. When the work gets hard, the parts that want to scare me a little (which she feels is their defense mechanism and that they are trying to protect me). They are saying, "Whoa! Wait a second. You're moving too fast. What's going on here? Throw her some worry. Throw her some OCD. She's going too fast. We don't like things fast." But I have the tools and can remind myself to speak to those parts - and say - "I'm here for you. It's OK. Let's do the work. Let's ask our best self to come forward - and let's find solutions.
I spoke about my little annoyances with my family. My husband makes too much noise when he eats. He watches the news too loud. My mom has been bugging me because I feel we don't communicate well. Okay - Ursula brought clarity into the conversation. She reminded me - I'm working on these relationships. There is a lot of healing ahead - issues to work through. So the parts that get irritated and frustrated - well - they're telling me - something isn't right. If it was all nice - their sounds and quirks wouldn't bother me.
She reminded me to stay on course. She said remember other members of my family aren't doing the work I'm doing. So I need to be consistent, calm, clear with them and probably repeat things over and over. She reminds me to tell them I want to connect with them. I want a better relationship with them.
Okay....time to get to work. So we did.
Right away, an image came to me. It always surprises me what pops up. So ready?
It was an adorable hillbilly girl. I found a cute picture to add here. She had her knob ponytails. Her teeth weren't great. She was a bit embarrassed. But she was dressed cute. She was proud to be a hillbilly - but didn't want to sink into any gross hillbilly behavior (no offense to hillbillies - this is about "her" behavior - not hillbillies as a group). She wasn't into the old programmed ways that have been destructive to her. She didn't like behavior that is intolerant, ignorant and unkind. But she felt guilty that her loved ones were bugging her. Of course the beard bugs her too. She felt if she complained - someone was going to say, well look at you. You're a hillbilly. You're unkempt too.
We spoke about my tattoos. My husband doesn't really like them. I had them when we met. But I guess, he didn't want me getting more. I don't have a lot. But this hillbilly girl felt if she had a right to complain about the beard - did he have a right to complain about the tattoos? Sure. Why not? Will I remove them? No. Will he remove the beard? Who knows? But the truth has been vocalized, feelings revealed, and a discussion can now happen - if both parties are open to the healing - and maybe we can find out how to move forward as a couple - figure out a compromise.
I spoke to my hillbilly girl about what we can do to move forward. We can be patient while waiting for my husband to come and communicate. We spoke about things I can do while I wait. I can learn new things. I want to continue to empower myself. Learn an instrument, maybe? Get creative. Hillbilly girl liked all of these suggestions.
Hillybilly girl wanted to release the shame and disappointment of the past. It's OK to rock the best part of the hillbilly lifestyle. She wanted to stand tall, get centered, move forward - pigtails, cute socks and jeans. Be her. Be proud. She wanted to see more sassafras in herself(that's the word she used - I like it). She didn't want to feel shame anymore. I don't want to feel shame. So together we can let go of that old shame and move forward.
We closed the session. I was feeling very tingly and hungry. I was trying to remember everything, I wanted to write it all down immediately but at the same time not rush and get up too quickly. I know when I rush to get up, I'll get dizzy. So I took deep breaths. I slowly got up. I centered myself and returned to the present.
And from Ursula:
When we do this inner work, it’s as if we are taking huge chunks of the iceberg that is under the water. The top part barely moves sometimes, but when enough chunks get removed, there is an obvious change above the water. The inner work is going on under the water and the way we show up in the world is above the water.
Even though the beard conversation has been going on for some time, this was a different version because Rebecca was speaking from a different part of herself. She spoke from a place inside of her where there is more clarity and where not too many emotions were involved in the conversation. One message, one part speaking, and inner clarity coming out as clear communication. She didn’t have as much attachment this time and was not sending out mixed messages that would confuse her husband. She was being matter-of-fact in stead of emotional. He could hear her in a new way. Who doesn’t respect and appreciate clarity! We all do. We would love for our own mind and heart and soul to be more clear. When there is clarity, there is peace. It might not be pretty, but if it’s clear, it’s golden. Clarity also comes with much space around it. Chaos seems to be so crowded, so much confusion, and so noisy. Clarity comes with calmness, patience, the ability to wait and listen. Clarity comes with strength and power. Clarity is closer to solutions that were not available before. Clarity is one of the sublime results we get when we do our inner work. It’s priceless. Similar to peace. You can’t buy it, you can’t wish it into existence, and you can fake it for only a minute or two. Truth will always expose the ugliness of pretending something. On the other hand, when we have done the real work, which is sometimes difficult and heart breaking work, there is a beautiful reward waiting for us.
So cute to meet the HillyBilly part of Rebecca. So adorable, so authentic, and very real. These are the parts of us that we can really enjoy. She’s not the “good girl” living for the approval of everyone else. This doesn’t mean she is not naturally a good person who does the right thing because she naturally knows what the right thing is . We all know the right thing. Don’t you? There is a part inside of each of us that totally knows it’s not okay to lie, cheat, steal, and say hurtful things to ourselves or others. You know it. For many reasons and excuses we lie to ourselves about this. When we can meet someone as real and true to herself as HillyBilly, we see there is a light about the purity of who she is and how she is. She feels all the feelings and still loves herself and believes in herself. She knows others judge her and that’s okay. She loves herself - crooked teeth, dirty feet and all. That’s the HillyBilly Way. When we know and accept ourselves - know who we are and how we are - then we can accept others too - the noisy eaters and all.