I take some time before each session to relax a bit - center myself. I'm nervous about the stuff that might come up. I have those little girl scared thoughts - I kind of want to run and not do it at all. I think, maybe she’ll cancel. Maybe there is no more work to be done. Then I’ll have a reason to hide.
Well, thanks to Mental Girl, I forge ahead.
I had a nice short rest before the session - my body was going in and out of feeling warm and cold - but as I relaxed a little deeper - I felt ready. Luckily all the animals were napping and not disturbing me this time. Thank you for that.
Sure enough - Ursula was on time. The minute she calls I’m relieved I’m being brave to do this work. I feel so grateful to her, to this with me.
She asked what I wanted to work on today. I had two topics - anxiety and trust.
It’s lovely in the beginning of the session. I’m guided to bring forth positive feelings to surround me - to help me with the subconscious work.
I was guided to check in with my body. What’s talking? What’s tingly? I do a body scan - and I found tension down the sides of my neck - down to my shoulders. It really felt tight. I was guided to ask my subconscious for an image. The image that came up was a vise. As the image formed in my mind it was as if I was in a workshop - my grandfather had a vise that he used in his garage. The image kept changing - I saw the vise - holding something. It was as if an art piece was being created. It was dark - yet being turned into something beautiful or artistic - something I could admire and be proud of - that would sit on a shelf.
I was then guided to go back - ask my subconscious for a specific time in my life - that would like to present itself.
I was 19 years old driving on Laurel Canyon Blvd. I got to Burbank Blvd and entered into a dark, very scary panic attack. I felt trapped and scared. I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory - as if pulled into a dark place. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be driving alone.
I was on my way home, after dropping off my ex. We had come back from a trip to Cancun, Mexico.
Ursula wondered if some kind of dark entity might have attached itself to me while I was in Mexico. I clenched up. She said those who are in a low place, scared, and with low self esteem (I had all of those) are targets for dark entities.
I was trying to stay with her. It sounded like a sci-fi scary movie. I felt my body stiffen up. I’m was struggling to believe something this strange and unbelievable could happen - or if it did - how did I allow this to happen?
I was glad to hear a voice - stay open. Just stay present. We will figure this out. Don’t run. It’s important to me that I stay grounded. But this voice also assured, whether not a dark entity is real or not, something happened. Something scared me. I was pulled into believing that I was not able to be alone. I was terrified, sad, felt weak and very lost.
I was guided to go back to Mexico. We had gone to the ruins in Chitza Nitz. I did not want to go there. I was very frightened to be in the jungle. I felt alone there. I was with my ex, his brother and his brother’s fiance. But I still felt alone and un-tethered. I was terrified I would get lost. We went by the ruins and the sacrificial well. None of the ruins or the sacrificial well were fenced off. I was terrified and felt pulled into the sacrificial well. It was if I could see myself fighting the thoughts off. I couldn’t wait to get out this place. I risked dehydration and didn’t drink anything. I didn’t want to have to the bathroom there. I just wanted to get out of there.
I spoke about my relationship with my ex which was awful. He could be nice one minute and then tortuous, jealous and mean the next. Every day I lived in a terrified state of what was to come. I was also angry with myself that I didn't leave him. I took the punishment.
I was guided to go on the beach in Mexico. There I was - young innocent me - looking so beautiful and sparkly. She wanted to feel loved. She wasn’t loved. She wasn’t treated with love. She was frightened and uncomfortable. I could see her squiggling as if to pull down her skirt to cover and protect herself. It was as if she wanted to pull something off. You know that feelings when you get seaweed on you - or too much sand. You just want to shake it off.
I was guided to stand by my young self and say I’m here now. I imagined holding her hand and saying "You are not alone. I am here now for you."
I was guided to remove this darkness that was clinging to my young self - help her get it off of her. I saw an image - it was as if I was pulling off an octopus - I had to pull off the tentacles. The tentacles were all the harsh words - the mean words - the unloving words my ex used on me. One by one - all the lies - all the mistreatment - all the cruelty - needed to come off.
I was guided to tell her to let go of the shame, the sadness, the thoughts that she didn't deserve love and to get those off her. I was guided to tell her she was a beautiful young girl who deserved to be loved and not mistreated like this.
I could hear her apologizing for all this pain. She was apologizing she let this happen. I was guided to help her remove all of that. There was nothing to be sorry for.
I was guided to release that dark energy from Mexico and burn it.
I could see the ocean in Mexico. Yes, it was beautiful. But also dark and scary. I could feel the push and pull of the ocean - being just like my ex. He would push and pull constantly. He would grab me and throw me out - only to manipulate me right back in.
I was guided to let that energy go. I was guided to shine the brightest light to shine over all the dark that had wrapped itself around my young self. I saw an image of that black stuff exploding with the brightest light. It was difficult. I needed to ask my subconscious to repeat the image and continue to explode the dark with the light. It was a powerful feeling.
I was guided to come back to a beach- back home - here in America - where my young self could be safe - sitting right next to me. I was told it's now time to nurture her and protect her. She needs to heal.
This was a powerful session. A lot came up. I didn’t think the stuff with my ex, Mexico, the panic attack on Laurel Canyon would come up.
I needed to talk about some of the stuff that came up - the dark entity - words like Karma. I clench up on that stuff.
Ursula was completely understanding and didn’t take offense. She began to explain in words that were more comforting and made sense to me.
I took it like this: You live this life - and yes there are consequences to your actions. She said the dark energy or entity she referred to is - for lack of a better word - moronic - lazy - zombie like. They like to climb in your head and make you feel scared and alone.
Our minds are so complicated yet simple. It’s as if when you are weak - you can allow your mind to clobber you with bullshit that will weigh you down. These thoughts that you are worthless, you should be scared - thoughts that leave you in a corner curled up terrified - you have the power to grab those thoughts and see them for the silly bastards they are - liars.
The word Karma - I'm uncomfortable with it. It sounds punishing. Even to those who have wronged me, I don't want anyone to be hurt . Now I am aware anger is a very difficult emotion for me. I don't like being mad at people, and I certainly don't like them being mad at me. (Work ahead)
My favorite part of the session was when I was guided me to form the image of taking my young innocent self, and tucking her into my heart where she can now be safe. She has been rescued. She can now be safe and back with me.
We closed the session with love.