We began the session getting right into all the feelings I was dealing with at the present time. Ursula and I have this fabulous rhythm with our sessions. I was having a lot of anxiety. It was rising to the surface right away. As she does so gently and confidently, she holds the space and guides me through my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I recently had an appointment with a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADD and prescribed Adderall. My goal is looking for answers and solutions. I'm weaving my way through this maze in mind. I was open to his diagnosis but I believe now, after looking back, I jumped at the meds and his diagnosis a little too quickly. But I had hope this could help me.
Two days into the meds and my heart was racing, I wasn't feeling like I was sleeping well, I was way to jittery (I'm already jittery!) and then I read the side effects. The side effects of the meds scared me.
One of the side effects is loss of appetite. I'm already so thin, so this is not something that could work for me. I was very anxious on Sunday. I called the docs office. He had left a number on his machine to call if it felt urgent. Well, I didn't want to get off the meds without his supervision. I also didn't want another day of feeling more jittery and nervous. So I called. He was curt. He told me fine, get off them, said sorry the meds didn't work for me, and the call was ended. I was embarrassed and sad.
I shared my embarrassment and shame with Ursula. She was great. She guided me through all of my emotions. She was very clear to remember we can't guess what other's are thinking. And why go to a scenario that's bad? She had me walk through a scene that maybe the doc wasn't mad, but he just needed to end the call. I couldn't know for sure what his he was going through on a Sunday morning. She said to call him back during the week and discuss if there were other options. (I did and we are now trying a new approach with different meds. He also was very nice to me - actually didn't even say anything about ending the call abruptly). She assured me with her confident voice I did nothing wrong, that I took care of myself as I should. She felt it was a good thing that I called. Plus, I got the answer I needed. Get off the meds ASAP.
We continued to explore more of my emotions that began swirling around in my mind. She asked me if I thought I was a good person. Wow, that simple question, which I wish could be a loud confident YES, brought up so many feelings. More thoughts and emotions came flooding out. No, I told her, I am not sure I'm a good person. I'm scared. I have crazy thoughts. I get angry. I'm jealous. I'm frustrated. I have all this anxiety that I can't seem to shake. I want to be a better person. I want to be a calmer person.
As I allowed the thoughts and feelings to flood out - Ursula calmly and sternly began to talk back to the mean voices inside me, who tell me I'm not a good person. She told them and me everything I was telling her was evidence and proof I am a human being having human thoughts and emotions. Wow!
After I settled down a little with my emotions - we began the work of pulling out the parts of the meanies. Hello there! She guided me to ask them, "Why do you pick on Rebecca so much?" They were clear. “She lets us.” I loved hearing Ursula say, "Aha." We spoke to the meanies.
She felt they were created by me as a protection, but they are working a little too hard now, and have become mean to me. They pick on everything I do. They scare me. Ursula described them as if they were an older brother who wants to scare his little sister with a Boo and jump out from behind the door! He likes to scare her all the time. Look out! That's scary! Well every time it works, the little girl goes running, and the bully brother gets a thrill.
She said, let's begin the process of talking back to those meanie parts. Tell them, NO! You can't run the show anymore. I'm healing!
We slowly went back and forth trying to get more information from the meanies and about the meanies. Wow, they really do scare me. She guided me to ask one of the meanies if he (funny he would be a he) would like to be a protector, but instead of using mean hurtful words, he could use kindness to protect the little girl inside of me. He could help me, older Rebecca, be watchful when these voices come up and tell them to go away. He said yes. Cool.
She guided me to come up with an image. I saw a gavel. Like a judge would have. She said great. When the mean voices come up, tell them "Dismiss! Nope! Out!"
We spoke to the little girl (young Rebecca). Wow, she certainly has held a lot of shame. I was guided to let her release that shame. I was guided to remind her as a little girl we make mistakes. These are human mistakes. Mistakes help us learn and grow. There is no shame in learning from our mistakes. I was guided to tuck that little girl into my heart and protect her now. She gave me such a beautiful image of the young me protected now and nurtured along with the all the other parts. She gave me an image of all the little girl parts (all different ages of Rebecca) having a slumber party, tucked into sweet bunk beds.
We spoke of me and my feelings about being a parent now. I always hope I'm clear and present as a parent. We spoke of making sure I allow my son to release his feelings. It's important for him to express himself. I try to make sure he knows when mommy is anxious, it's okay, it's not about him, and I'm working through it. He doesn't have to solve it. He isn't the cause. It's something I've had for a long time and I'm working through it.
Ursula reminded to be kind to myself as well. Going through these challenges and working through the anxiety is hard. If I take the time to love myself, more love will pour over into my son and help me to be a even better parent. I'll be able to give more to my family, friends and those in need.
I tell my son all the time how loved and wonderful he is and I pray I can always become a better parent. The goal is always to model my behavior that I'm learning and practicing self love and self care. My son will see that, and he will mirror that inner confidence and self love too for himself. What a great way to teach your children - through your ability to practice self love and self care. It shows them, it is ok to have all these "human" emotions and feelings. It is ok to be human. It shows pure love in action. There is enough love for everyone.
Strong emotions came up with both my light and dark parts. A part that sounded sad and weeping came up and I spoke up about with Ursula. There was a part that gets scared it will give up. A terrified part that is afraid the dark gets so dark and it all becomes really scary. The scared parts inside me feels I'm a failure.
When that part came up - Ursula took extra time to speak to that part. She said to protect, love and nurture that scared part. She guided me to make sure that part feels safe with the Sweeties.
She guided me to come up with a light image. I saw myself walking on the beach, feeling the warm sand on my toes and the warm light from the sunshine. It was a beautiful relaxing image.
Wow. A lot of work with the meanies came up in this session. It brings up a lot of emotions for me knowing they are in there, knowing I've had them inside for so long, and also all the work ahead working on either letting them go, or this new approach, convince and teach them to protect with me with kindness – like the one we convinced in this session).
I know talking back to them is going to take time and patience. I tell myself to keep trying and trying and trying again. I have a lot of support. I have support inside and outside.
Ursula kept telling me what a good person I am. She said I care and I deserve kindness. Her words felt so good.
Now I need to keep telling myself these beautiful kind words.
We closed the session with thanks.
With audio: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/22-Mar-18-Mental-Girl-e1jubm/a-a2umsg
It is very obvious when we are going through stuff, that we naturally project our experience on everyone around us. That is the situation when we are an Empath, meaning we feel other people's feelings, we feel the pulse of the season, the nation, current events, etc. So when things are swimming around in our internal universe it seems to be playing out in the external environment too.
It's very confusing being an Empath. We feel the world around us and therefore think the world around us is also feeling what we feel. Slowing down and checking in is key when we are feeling upset. Where is the upset coming from? Is it mine? Is it someone else's? The only way to know is to ask, because our mind will create other people's reality all the time. Why wouldn't it? It is creating our own reality all the time!
When people think they are a bad person, it's because they have gathered evidence at a very early age and have concluded that it must be true. However, giving a three year old the power to discern what is true based on how others are treating us is where the whole issue starts. I personally believe that when we are babies, we have a sense that we are living in a beautiful magical world, until the S... starts hitting the fan. It's very disturbing to see that people are unkind and so out of tune that they are hurtful and selfish.
As wee ones, we take things personally, just like Empaths do, because when we are very tiny, we DO feel so connected to everyone. We feel that everyone is an extension of us. When people treat us poorly, we simply conclude, it must be me, since we are the center of our personal universe and they are in our universe. So then we conclude, I am bad, that's why they treat me this way. I am not worth the time or attention, so I am less than. I am not important. I am small, I have no value to offer. Over time and experiences those ideas become reinforced and we draw the conclusion that it must be so.
That's sad enough as it is, the worst part is that we LIVE FROM there. All based on a misunderstanding. Lack of proper communication. Actions speak way louder than words in a child's reality. This work is SO powerful, we get to claim back our authentic Selves when we remove enough of the misunderstandings. The hand-me-down inherited concepts of our family legacies.