I had a lot of feelings come up between the last session and this one. I'm healing but things are still shifting and moving forward to be healed. I'm feeling irritations when I would rather feel at peace. I feel impatient at times. I still get nervous and physical symptoms such as acid reflux have gotten stirred up.
I did mention to her that lately I've been desiring male energy. I find it calming.
Ursula says male energy can ground me. She says I'm girly and that I am a high feminine. She says I'm open to sharing and open to talking about my emotions and feelings. Men enjoy watching and being around a high feminine but at the same time they can become "caveman" like. It is nice when go from caveman and turn to their gentle side (become a gentleman). The male energy has a strong urge to help. This feels very grounding to a high feminine. High feminine women are goddesses. They feel and share. But they also must have boundaries.
I was struggling with one issue I am experiencing with my husband. I had a disagreement with a close friend. I spoke of this in a past session. She is very close to me, so arguing and feeling I had to take some distance to heal, was difficult - but in the end it worked out very well because when I was ready, I reached out and we healed the hurt. It was really beautiful. However, it feels as if my husband hasn't forgiven her. He doesn't really want to talk about her much. This hurts. (Actually since the session - just recently - before I wrote this blog entry he said her name in a nice way . I still talk about her and I think he realized I love her - whether or not he forgives - it was nice hearing him utter her name).
Ursula said my husband feels like he is the protector and might feel he failed in protecting me from the hurt I felt with my friend. I didn't ask for protection. However, this is the "caveman" urge.
I then spoke about my nerves on social media. I want to help and do what I can but I also have feelings that I don't want to engage at times.
Ursula said to listen to my parts who don't want to engage. She said it would be very useful for me to put together a social media policy for myself. It creates boundaries and protects.
She reminded me I am in maintenance mode. I'm not on high alert anymore, but it is important to protect myself. She says don't drop the ball. Keep an eye on my inner parts. Be curious. Be happy I don't have to work so hard and climb on rough terrain right now but to also go slow and steady.
It does make sense because I still hear anxiety. It's the voice of the little brother trying to scare the little sister. I talk to him like a strong, patient, loving but confident mom.
We were then ready to go into my subconscious.
The image to pop up was, as I called her, Fire Lady. She was beautiful and wore flowy orange clothes. She was clear in her reason for coming into my mind. She wanted me to take care of myself. She says, Ursula is right, you need a policy. Have a policy for yourself with everything and everyone. You know your parts better now.
Ursula said yes! Policies create boundaries, which create safety, which creates comfort, and playfulness. She said all the steps I'm making to communicate are wonderful. She says I'm speaking in clearer tones, with a direct approach. She said I have my big girl underwear on now. She says my focus should be: How do I communicate using my best self?
She says be careful when I fall into the co-dependent role - the role that says, "if you aren't happy, I'm not happy." She also said it isn't necessary to try and make others happy if I'm not happy. She says sort through my different parts and pick out the right one who can and will communicate to get my needs met. She says I have plenty now to choose from. She said to make sure I work on getting enough sleep. She can see my wires inside me. They have been repaired and there is a light coating on them now. It is important to strengthen this coating. She felt the acid reflux I am feeling is because I need to feel more alkaline. She says to begin with Alkaline thoughts. (I love myself) Alkaline feelings. Focus on Alkaline experiences. Hang with Alkaline people. People who are calming and peaceful.
She understood the frustrations I may feel when I pick up on other people's anger. She says as I change, yes, people may resent it. If they are in an old pattern, they want to repeat their process - it's the one they know. She compared it to a big sister who wants to spoil a present because she is jealous - or can't figure out a way to manage and understand her intense feelings.
She reminded me to keep my energy inside. Keep it safe. It is good. She says I can be me with the new changes. By my actions, if others want to join in, they will see it. She said it's like I'm getting healthy. I want to eat the peas. I feel great. I look great. Others see it. They say, I want that. You tell them, I'm eating peas. Would you like some?
She said sometimes others won't want to change. That's ok. She said you eat your peas. They may feel threatened or uncomfortable to change. Show them compassion. Show them patience. Keep my boundaries in place. She says have gentleness with my changes and others with their process.
Fire lady liked that. She said that's correct. She said she likes to talk to the different parts and trying new things.
I told Ursula I was not drinking coffee as much. Well at least taking a break. Ursula felt that was a good idea. Coffee has a way of jacking the energy up - too much talking and it separates the person from connecting with others. ( I will admit - I understand this and will watch my energy and coffee intake. But I still love coffee. But I am aware to watch it and drink in moderation - or take breaks as needed and drink more calming teas also)
Fire lady was clear she wanted to remind me to be gentle with myself.
Ursula asked me to ask Fire Lady what color would she like to be?
Fire lady said when I'm me, she smiles. She says she will turn to a buttercream color when I'm me.
Ursula said to allow my husband to be caveman right now. He is trying to stabilize as well. He watched me in hysterical mode for a while. Now he sees a calmer more confident me. He needs time to digest the change so he doesn't feel he has to be in protective mode all the time. She says allow him to do this and she feels he will change to gentleman. She says it is a beautiful thing to watch. She says continue with my process because I too am stabilizing. She says, allow the process to unfold. She made a beautiful prayer for me and my family.
We closed the session with gratitude.
After the session I felt electrical, a little anxious. I did take notes during the session. Fire lady didn't seem to mind at all. I decided to take a little walk after the session. I just wanted to feel Fire lady and allow all the beautiful things that came up in the session and Ursula's words to go through me. I wanted to connect with the trees and smell the smells of flowers. I wanted to just feel my presence. It felt good.
Ursula's feedback along with audio version:
So many points to talk about in this session. The main one is that there is no hurry on the Spiritual Path. It's endless. The destination is the step that you are taking right at this moment.
One of my favorite Osho Zen Tarot Cards called Moment to Moment is of a man stepping onto a stepping stone. He is in mid-air and the stones appear before him as he is making the step. Many times along the path we can't see the path in front of us, only the next step, sometimes not even the next step. So the point is, no rush.
I have seen people try and run the path as fast as they can. The path has a way of balance. If we go too fast it will give us a nice crash and have us sit still and recover for weeks and even months. If we go too slow it will create a little storm for us to get off our butts and move forward. It's very much the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. A steady pace is the best way. Taking breaks is an important part of the Spiritual Path, very opposite of the corporate climb for money and power.
Celebrating victories is also an important part of the journey, even the small ones. When Rebecca took her walk after the session to smell the flowers, that's taking a break and celebrating. Doing this for ourselves is nurturing, it fuels us, and gives us clarity so we can make great decisions and be kind.
The Way of Life will not change - death, births, taxes, aging, obstacles, change, authorities, challenges, misunderstandings, and the like will continue. The difference is, on the Spiritual Path, how we respond to them and deal with them will be different.
In this session I could see some wires. They were frayed and the coating was worn off. I can't imagine how the Anxious Part has been running so much energy that the coating wore off! So we put some coating on her nerves.
Making policies with ourselves is a gift. So funny, that many people who I work with are wild rebels. There are parts of me like that too. But these parts seem to get us in more trouble than they are worth. When we start creating self-care and boundaries, life all of a sudden becomes easier. Policies like going to bed before 11pm, having bottled water in the car, and not calling our family member after 5 pm when they start drinking. Asking for more information before we make a decision and stopping ourselves from talking before we say something we regret. These are examples of the policies I am talking about.
That big brother part is one that harasses our scaredy pants part. You know how those menacing brothers will play pranks and jump out from around the corner and scare the younger siblings, just for fun - so they say. Well, if you are the little one, it's torment! Until a parent or adult empowers the little one to see the predictability of the behavior and can start tracking and outsmarting that harassing part. With Anxious Part, she gets going because the system has another part that triggers her into action, like the big brother.
So many aspects, we can see why it's important to take our time and digest things as we go along this path. Enjoy the journey, it's endless. When we stop and smell the flowers, it becomes a very rich and rewarding journey. In the smelling of the flowers, we can also hear that small still voice inside, saying lovely things to us and teaching us powerful simple truths. Enjoy the ride.