I began this session excited to tell Ursula I was ready to wean off the medication now. I was feeling very confident about my decision. I spoke with the psychiatrist and he was fine. But when I spoke with my acupuncturist, she actually was more resistant to the idea. But I was proud of myself, because I took the time to explain my confidence, how I felt, and in the end my acupuncturist got it, understood, and actually ended up seeing my point. It feels really good to be a place of strength.
Yes, the doubts came up. But I also felt good about my decisions. Ursula was really proud of me. She felt my strength. I also told her about an experience at the dentist. My OCD feelings came up, but I was honest with the technician, and he ended up helping me to feel safer and more comfortable. Again, Ursula was so proud of me. She said I was hitting homeruns. Hearing her say that made me feel so good.
I told her when I begin to feel more confident, the panicky parts start to get a little louder. She said it is okay to back off a little and sort through the parts when the panicky parts want to talk. It is okay to breathe and go slowly so I can talk to all the parts and keep walking my path, be my true self, who is healing and growing stronger.
We spoke of my strong feelings about my husband. I have been very frustrated that he won't shave off his long beard. I just don't like it. I feel guilty that I don't like it. He says he still the same man. But I am not attracted to the beard, at all.
Ursula felt there is a possibility that the beard is a mask my husband feels he needs right now. He clearly doesn't want to shave because I asked him to, so it is time to back off, and stop asking. She reassured me it is okay to have these feelings and not feel attracted. I can't deny my feelings.
Again, the theme here is let all the parts communicate and feel what they feel, but don't fall into drama or anxiety and allow those two parts to run the show. Ursula said, anxiety should be allowed to speak, but just not control everything.
I shared this tingling I get in my stomach. It is interesting because it feels like there is confusion about this new confidence I feel. I can feel anxious and confident at the same time.
We went into my parts.
Ursula guided me to see the confidence is the real me. The confusion is a feeling that I remember getting when a teacher would say something that I didn't agree with. But he/she would say things with such confidence and with a stern voice. But I would sit there confused by my feelings that I didn't agree with what was being said. I still go through that now.
She reminded me I have a voice now. I can stand up for myself. Look what I have been doing. Yes, there may be anxiety or OCD that comes up, but the cool part is I allow them to be heard and then I make confident decisions to move forward.
It is interesting to me that my anxiety shifted from being in my chest to being in my stomach. I have tinglies a lot. I have them before a walk or a drive. I may have it when I'm walking with my son. Sometimes I have it when I go for a drive with our little dog. She said allow it to come up, embrace it, and then talk to it with love and kindness.
It feels like I'm on a roller coaster. I feel like I'm swirling. Or actually I feel euphoric feelings rise to the surface as well. When I listen music and emotions and feelings come up - it feels like that when I ride the waves of all my emotions - talking to all my parts.
Ursula reminded me to embrace it all.
We ended our session with thanks.
That feeling of tingling is when a block is removed and energy starts flowing again. As a metaphysician, I see things in the context of energy. We are a unit of energy, swirling around. Each organ and system, each cell, everything in constant flow, similar to the blood flow. When we have punched-in-the-gut feeling, weight-of-the-world on our shoulders, or when you see people slumped over in despair, that's all our energy. We wear our emotional states of being inside our bodies. It's a record of our life. Just like our reactions to life, our points of view, our fears and insecurities come from the accumulation of our life experience, our body is the record keeper of these meaningful events, the good bad and ugly. So when a block is emotionally removed, the body detects it and now a flood of energy can come rushing through. It's so fun!
This issue about knowing something is one way and having others tell us it's not is a huge issue. I wish I could go up to every three year old and say, "Listen to your own gut, your own intuition, your own clarity. Just because these people are bigger than you, doesn't mean they have it all right." I strongly believe that when we are born, we are coming from a heavenly state, one of true connection with the allness of the universe. Then we sort of forget where we just were and have a curiosity about who are we and how did we get here. Who are these people and what games are we to play now. But when situations present themselves that have us drawing a conclusion that we are less than, unworthy, not loveable or unimportant, well that's the sadness that puts a big damper on what could be a joyful playful life. When I see a happy kid, I want to kiss and hug the parents. When we have that feeling of knowing what is True, yet being convinced that it is not, we get very confused and eventually turn on ourselves. We push what we think and feel aside, for years on end. We can eventually reverse this, by doing our spiritual path work, this subconscious work, take a year off and travel, do service work, deal with a sickness or disease, there are so many ways of remembering what we were made to forget.