Wow. Every session has me climbing up the healing ladder. The safe feeling of support from Ursula as I climb, wobble, open my heart, mind and spirit to this journey is breathtaking. I won't say any session is "the best" because they all deserve loving recognition for the valuable information I receive. May I just say this session did fill me with one of those tingly feelings of joyous self love.
We began the session with our usual catch up. What's been going on with me? How am I feeling? What is stirring?
I told Ursula I'm still annoyed a lot. I'm annoyed with bullshit. I'm annoyed with people lecturing their opinion - feeling as if they think people should think like them. I'm annoyed with people interrupting me, being on their cell phones when we are together, saying they are spiritually enlightened when they aren't really present. I'm angry when I feel family or friends are not being truthful with me or taking the time to be self aware. I'm angry when it appears people just want to stay in the negative, the anger, and don't want to talk about solutions or figure out how to move forward. I'm irritated with my husband a lot. He bugs me - with his sounds and loud opinions. I'm angry with myself too! I'm aware when I do this crap!
Ursula spoke a little bit about the human condition. She feels there are the ones who want to move forward and heal and the ones who want to pull back and stay behind. She says - the ones who want to sit in the negative or stay behind don't necessarily do it on purpose - most are not even aware that they are doing it. They feel this is life for them. They don't see it as being behind. A lot people are in a battle with their own condition - their own pain - and they aren't ready to learn new tools to heal. She reminded me when I've been in the muck - struggling with my condition - how it wasn't easy. Ooosh, at first I cringed. I know! I feel so ashamed and feel guilty that I'm mad - when I should be more compassionate. She said wait- you are human. She said I'm aware that I'm doing this - she said that's progress too.
She understood my frustration about receiving mixed signals and watching people in pain. It's not easy. As the shame subsided about my own past pain - and the work that is still ahead - I realized that it's ok - I have my feelings and thoughts - and now that I know this - I have a choice to proceed with a calm, clear, compassionate attitude. I can ask my best self to step forward, embrace all these feelings - but with a relaxed attitude lets keep moving forward and heal. There is a balance.
She reminded me I'm not my condition. She feels no one is their condition ((what they feel is their pain, illness, sadness, anger, etc). She said there is no need to label ourselves (which holds us back). That will keep me stuck. But this is a chance to observe. She says keep observing and as that takes place - my true self - my best relaxed self will move forward to help with it all. She says that I'm ready to do this - I have been doing this.
We spoke about my frustrations, confusion and discomfort trying to help a friend. Again - she reminded me my parts are talking to each other. They are all chattering away. She said - that is OK. She said take the time to acknowledge and accept them for chatter. And then again - move forward with my best self - which knows the truth. My loved ones may be hurting, in trauma, and unable to move forward right now. That's OK. It's OK to have all the feelings. Just remember it's my choice - to ask my best Self to be there to hold the space with love for ALL. "I'm here for you. I love you." That's it. Keep it simple. I don't have to lecture, try to fix, repair, or change them. That's not my job. My job is to show love and compassion - and then work on my Self. She said it is hard to watch someone come and go in their pain - be present one minute and then pull away the next. She reminded me that it is probably the discomfort of knowing - at one time - I was there too - and it was scary. Again - no shame - no critical talking - no judgement. Just observing. I'm repairing. I'm moving forward. I'm healing.
We spoke about the anger and "grouchies" that do come up while doing this healing work. I'm shedding stuff that ran the show before. I'm letting go of stuff that doesn't fit any more. It doesn't peel off quickly. And that's ok. Again - observe. "Hello grouchies. What do you want to say? We don't live there anymore. So say your peace and with love, we will move on."
We spoke about beautiful conversations I've been having with my son. Wow! The trust he has in me is breathtaking and wonderful. I'm so pleased. He sees the growth in me and he is relieved, happy, and can see I'm more present with him. Also now with my tools, I'm there for him in a much more loving, clear, calm and healing way.
As we moved forward in the session to go into the subconscious - as Ursula used the words that prepare the mood - I could see all of my spiritual helpers in my mind. It was as if they were sprinkling the spices of compassion, clarity, connection, courage - all the ingredients for my best Self to come forward - and we line up to go into the subconscious.
I thought anger would come up. I was expecting some kind of image of my grouchies.
Not at all.
I was at a lake. I saw a lake. It was beautiful huge lake. A lake connecting to everything. I could feel the city pulsating around me. I could feel the energy of the world. This included ALL energy- love and pain. I was sitting at the end of a pier looking out - just observing. I wasn't attaching to any one thought in particular. The lake was stunning. I could toss rocks in there and make ripples. I could just let the lake be still. I could hear sound and feel my feelings and then relax and I could feel a stillness.
Ursula was so pleased for me. She said - this is mindful meditation. She said this is a beautiful thing and congratulated me on this step into my healing.
She giggled, delighted and saw my lake. She said I am observing. I really was. "There's that thought, and that thought, and that thought - oh look over there, over there, and over there." She said I am aware can observe the energies -the intense ones...and then I can let them come and go. And the beautiful loving, peaceful ones. No attachment. Just observing.
It was so pleasant and so relaxing. She said - I found my spot and I can visit here anytime.
When we closed the session with our thanks - I was so tingly. My lips were numb. I took a deep breath. She said energy is flowing and shifting and opening. She said my body is taking it all in. I was feeling it all.
And from Ursula:
Love this one!
This is a breakthrough session,. They come every once in a while. Nature has a way of celebrating when we reach a new level. It's Spiritually and it is correct to celebrate. That's how we know we are making progress. It was lovely how the sharing part was frustrated and then we dropped into peace. Like a birth canal, or gathering the courage to speak up and then we are heard. There often seems to be tension before there is benefit.
So interesting too that many people come to visit such a lake in the inner world. I even drew a picture of it when I came upon my internal lake. It's put away in storage now, otherwise, I would I share it.
This lake is PEACE. When we have lived a life without peace and we finally achieve it, excavate it from all the BS we have taken on in life, then it's well worth the effort - seemingly endless effort until we strike the real gold. Peace is more precious than gold. If you have gold but no peace, you may very quickly trade the gold for peace.
Peace seems so simple and easy, not really that far away from reach, until we sit still and try and find it. Then it seems impossible.
The funny thing is that it's really right there. Down the road in our mind. I even mentioned this in the session, when Rebecca said she could tell the city was near by, she could sense it. Same way, in the middle of the chaos of a city in our mind, the lake is right down the road. The lake is always there. No matter how cra-cra things get in the city, the lake is still, it's there, if we want.
Our natural state of being is peaceful. Look at anyone when all their needs are met. If we weren't convinced that we had so many needs, we would reach peace sooner. The problem is when our basic needs are not met, we start reaching. The reaching is never satisfied beyond the moment, the sip, the bite, the purchase, the explosion. So we keep reaching and reaching and reaching. It's easy, quick and immediate gratification, even though it's shallow and fleeting.
When we do our work, really work, not this spiritual bypass pretending we are doing the work nonsense, but the work of staring eye to eye with our demons and having a real heart to heart sincere meeting - then we get the results. That requires bravery, it requires ego to step aside and let go of it's illusion of control, and to feel afraid of the unknown while moving forward. Guts are required. This work is not for the pretenders. It's for the people who are so sick and tired of not getting it right, knowing there has got to be a different WAY of being, of existing. It takes courage, to put down our addictions, our stories, our attachments, our pride.
Look at the reward. PEACE. Now that Rebecca found her lake, she can always go back. That's how it is in the inner world. We begin to get a landscape of the inner world. It's quite heavenly at times, like this place. We can also create once we get enough clutter and false screens out of the way. I love when my clients start creating! The magic begins, the same magic that each child can taste and touch until it gets ripped away.
Peace isn't exciting like joy or happiness. It's just a horizontal line, like the lake. Nothing bothersome, nothing mysterious. Just a straight line. It can be intense in it's simplicity. Ask any artist how intense is a straight line.
We also spoke about the 80/20 rule in meditation. In this session we sat by the lake and just enjoyed the quiet, the calm, the serenity that comes with peace. Rebecca would say oh this... and ahh that... and I would bring her back to the lake. She quickly caught on, and noticed - return to the lake, notice the thought, return to the peace, notice the distraction, return to the simple. The city, the spaciousness of the lake, the desire to toss a stone in the lake and watch the ripple, the enjoyment of the softness of the water when it was undisturbed. The 80/20 is 80% lake, 20% distraction. Take a look at the % symbol. The diagonal line is where we sit. We face the one tiny zero, and have our back to the other tiny zero. They are both there, it's a matter of where our attention is. In the beginning when we learn to meditation, it's 5% peace and 95% distraction. Hahahaha. Eventually it's 80/20, but no promises. Advanced meditators focus on the 80% and the distractions are so meaningless, so weak, that the focus can stay in the 80%, the 20% is there, so what. That's on a "good" day. Hahahaha. By the time we get to 80/20 there is no "good" day, just being on the mat is the reward. The mind could be extra busy but it will still be a worthwhile meditation because we showed up for our self. Consistency is the whole key to a successful meditation practice.
Rebecca is learning so many new things, and she is staying with it. I will have clients who come, do some work and then run away, they continue to struggle and will come back when things get too rough. When someone commits to themselves and does a series they get to change their life. I have other clients who are consistent and they needs lots of time between sessions. The reward is there too, because they are constantly using the new things they learn, they are showing up at meditation, doing service, reading books, forgiving, practicing compassion and loving kindness when it's not so easy. Each person is on their own path.
How are you showing up for yourself?