The days following the session I feel a protective feeling come over me. My young 19 year self is back in my heart under my protection. She is in a detox and release period.
Ursula told me to find a picture of myself around that time in Mexico. I had this picture in my mind in Mexico - a picture I've seen recently in a box. I couldn't seem to find it. I'm sure it will come up. Until then, I came across this one. I believe I'm around that age. I look so innocent. The thing about this picture that does touch me is there I am at the old homestead on Clinton Street - in the arch - near the hallway. In my previous posts - I discuss this arch sitting with my 4 year old self.
I've got her protected. If mean or dark thoughts come - I shield her.
I've gone through some frustrated, grumpy and anxious feelings this week. As much as I shield the young Rebecca, I also help the present older Rebecca too. I work on protecting and caring for both of them.
Here's an interesting story that happened in the days following my session. Someone parked in our driveway. A real grrrrr moment. I was really frustrated. I had the power and right to have them ticketed and towed. I really don't like to do that. I know it's expensive. But it isn't fair if someone blocks me from getting in and out with ease. I recognized the car. It was a neighbor's car. He doesn't have a lot of money. I wrote a note instead of having him ticketed and towed - waited to see if would come soon to move his car. Nope. Towards the end of the day I was becoming angrier and anxious. I felt he was forcing me to make a move. I protected my tender feelings and made a decision. I was going to try and find him. I called a friend who lives down the street. She knows everyone. See, I recognized the car, but I didn't know where the guy lived. Luckily for him, my friend knew him. I went to his apartment and met up with his landlord. At first, the landlord, hearing my frustrations, felt I should just tow him. I was shocked. I said, "Look, I'm trying to do a nice thing here. It's the holiday season. It's expensive. If I can find him and he can move, all will be well." The landlord looked shocked. He said, "Nice? Holidays? People are mean. Who does nice things any more?" He laughed and walked me to the guy's apartment. Well, alls well that ends well. The guy moved his car. He was apologetic and very grateful I didn't have him ticketed or towed. It made me feel good. I walked through my emotions - I protected and stood my ground - and it all ended well.
Then another day, same week, I ran into someone that I did NOT want to see. He is like my ex. He mistreated a good friend of mine, causing her a lot of pain. He is mean and awful. At first I was scared when I saw him. Then angry. I wanted to yell and scream at him how he hurt someone I loved. I took a deep breath. I was with my son and my mom, so making a scene, would make us all uncomfortable. But I still stood my ground. I had a look on my face that said "DON"T COME NEAR ME!" He left the store. I was relieved.
Life stuff happens. When the shame, embarrassment or angry feelings up, I can feel myself getting rattled inside. But this new sense, a new stirring inside, protective, honoring me and loving me - says that's it is OK to be me. It's OK to shield and protect myself. It's OK to stand firm that I'm doing the best I can.
So protect that dear sweet young person inside yourself. She/he deserves it.