After you have been lucky enough, as I have been, to work with Ursula over a year...you start to build some big muscles to use out in the world. You start feeling good. You stand taller. Prouder. You feel more....well YOU...and pleased about this new person, with new skills, new strength. At first you may think...okay I'm here. Yay me. However...as you learn with this kind of work...there is always more to learn. There is always another layer of your "onion" to peel off. When you release your mind from the idea that you are suppose to reach some kind of "perfection" and set your intention to keep looking within, this work will continue to get more interesting. As Ursula playful said to me, about the work she does, the healing she does even for herself - "I'm never bored." Yep - you're never bored. It's takes time. It takes patience. It takes letting go of a lot of old beliefs. But so worth it.
We began the session - well - a little bit bumpy. I was all ready to have my session when my mom, who was struggling with healing from walking pneumonia, needed me just as I was going to head into session. I managed to work through it all and at the same time discussing it with Ursula. She was great. She could hear how I was handling it and was giving me praise.
After things settled down with my mom and I was ready to start the session I began the fun part for me which is sharing all my growth. Ursula delights in this. She will respond with glee, pride and praise. It feels really good to hear. I spoke to her how I was clearer, more direct, firm but kind in my communication with my family and friends. I told her sometimes I do still slip, but will catch myself, try to repair, and then continue on responding using my tool belt of clear, kind, compassionate - yet setting boundaries and taking care of myself - communication. Again - she was super pleased.
I told her the growth and healing I feel is wonderful, yet, there is this "aloneness" that I'll feel. We spoke about past sessions and me intellectually understanding that others are on their own path. Just because I am doing things differently, acting differently, growing and moving forward, doesn't mean everyone will get on board. I am not above anyone. No one is below me. It is just the simple realization that people are on their own path. But this alone feeling - she understood. I said sometimes it does make me feel sad, other times, I have a calmness that I can tell is part of my growth. I said to her, I figured she must feel alone since she has been doing this work for a long time. Again - not speaking of alone like some bad sad thing - but an observation - an acceptance, she gave that sweet giggle she has and said, "Yes. I do. But it's never boring." I laughed too.
As I receive, experience and move into these Awakenings, as I'm becoming more aware that at times, yes, I'm alone on my path, I'm just feeling....well I wasn't sure what I was feeling - or what was in there.
I told her there was one person I never feel this alone feeling with and it is with my son. I feel so connected with him. I shared I sense this is because I'm his mom. He is a part of me.
Ursula spoke a little bit about the aloneness. She gave me a great visual. She said, imagine you are in the woods. You see a squirrel. That squirrel is scared and not too sure about you either. So you leave some food. You leave it and walk away. He eats it and feels happy. She says in order for the squirrel to get comfortable to change his fearful ways, he needs time. So just keep leaving the food and little by little he may see how safe it is. But if you squeal or clap when he gets close - it may scare him. If you become agitated or angry because he is not hurrying to feel safe and change with you - he will run away. Let him be. Let him feel the trust. Same can goes for people. She said let them walk their path. She said even over praising can push people away.
It really made a lot of sense.
We were ready to go into the healing work.
I had to quiet my chattering mind who was asking - "what's going to come up? What will it be? I don't see anything. It's not going to work this time. You're overthinking." So it was sssssssh......let it be...don't push it. Hey, it's like the squirrel analogy.
The first visual to come up was me sitting alone as a young girl at my old elementary school. It was an unattractive school. I could see the handball courts. Benches. The gloomy cement. But then the visual shifted...
I felt the aloneness. I was sitting there. But then there was this...for lack of a better word groovy feeling, like "Hey I'm alone. This is nice." And then there was this confident feeling that was saying, "Yeah, we can make decisions after we look at everything." I felt it. I don't go to this school anymore. I can visit the way I want to visit. This is neat. I'm alone, but not lonely.
The visual then changed into three distinct stacking rocks. Beautiful rocks - one on top of the other. Perfectly balanced.
Ursula was really enjoying the changing visuals.
I said to Ursula I'm having this thought...it's as if I'm hiking, with three different personalities. There is a snake that crosses our path. One gasps. "A snake!" Then there is the groovy personality who is totally relaxed and says, "cool a snake." And then there is the confident one looking around and says, "All right, let's figure out what to do. What color? What kind? Is he threatening? Is he chill? No worries. Let's take a beat and decide what to do."
They all work together. It's a collaboration.
The visuals and feelings kept changing. But the message was there.
The Gasper wanted me to know there is no shame in gasping. I'm not bad. I react from a raw instinctual place. When I'm upset, worried, afraid or concerned - I may gasp. It's OK.
The Groovy one wanted me to know it's a good thing to be relaxed and to feel chill. Groovy didn't think the Gasper was bad - even thought it's groovy to gasp if that is one's gut instinct. But also after the gasp - it's wonderful to lean back and just take it all in. The Groovy reminded me it's a beautiful feeling to be relaxed. Allow it.
The Confident one wanted to remind me to continue to hone my gut instinct. To remember when making a decision nothing is wrong or right - but taking that beat - taking that deep breath- taking time to gain clarity and allow my confidence to make a decision to respond, not react, usually ends in a result of healing and growth.
It really was a beautiful session.
Ursula once again praised me for all this cool work. She really enjoyed the images and feelings which came up. She could see how much growth and healing took place. While she praised, at first I thought - should I thank her right now? As she is saying all of this? I think the Gasper was delighted but felt self conscious, the Groovy one said, no way enjoy the compliment, and the Confident one said, yes...after she is done and you've taken it in, go ahead and thank her for the beautiful words.
An image from another session a while back came up. My roller derby drama girl. She was all giddy and twirling. I felt she was there to tell me to take in the praise.
As I was soaking in the praise, accepting and appreciating, different visuals were popping up. I could see from this session the three stacking rocks. I could see them by the waterfall from a session we had. By the lake from a session we had. And roller derby girl holding them as she twirled.
I thanked Ursula for her praise.
We closed the session.
And from Ursula:
I feel so happy for Rebecca's growth. I have to celebrate it.
Celebrating is spiritually correct. When we celebrate, we are bringing a lot of energy: joy, happiness, sense of completion, congratulations, togetherness, achievement. All of those positive vibrations get loaded on top of what is being celebrated, and raises it even higher. It packs it with support and the quality of "yes! Thank you! more please!" Which is a powerful prayer for anytime we are in the zone.
Rebecca uses the word "praise," which is vibrationally very much the same as celebration.
Interesting enough praise is a common spiritual term, many religions have praise in their music, it's prevalent in the Baha'i faith and even specifically the scriptures of the Psalms.
A little sidebar here about "praise."
It's twofold. One aspect is that the praiser is gathering energy and forwarding it to the praisee. It also is putting the other at the center of attention. The second aspect is that Ego needs to step aside for that to happen. When we praise the Divine, we are putting our ego aside and giving credence, reverence, respect to Other; God, Spirit, Love, whatever you personally call it. When we become humble enough to this in our lives, then there is more room for our receptivity. That's the whole behind-the-scene activity of Spiritual connection.
Just when I think I have a clue, I can keep looking and see even more than before.
Praise is to validate and uplift. When we praise the Divine we raise our own vibration WITH that energy inside of us.
When we praise and celebrate other people, we are raising that within them such as birthdays, graduations, or accomplishments of any kind.
Rebecca's work makes leaps and bounds because she does her daily work. She's getting to know her parts, she's integrating, and she's managing her life in a way that she never has before. That's the point of this work - to be more self-loving and self-respecting! Each and every session she's doing tremendously better than the one before. Yes, I know this work is challenging. And the challenges keep coming in life. How we REACT to them, makes the biggest difference. When we react to them in a beautiful way, they diminish. Nothing's so terrible anymore, because we have the tools to move through it with skill that has been cultivated.
I'm thrilled to pieces for Rebecca's growth in her maturity; emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Her three rocks tag-team, is very depicting of how our parts will have little groups that support each other. An example is the addict, the troublemaker, and the scared-one are a common triad.
These three rocks that we met in this session are completely awesome! The instinct, the heart, and the logical part. Like the Father - the logical part, the mother - the heart, and the child - the timid one. Balance and cooperation. When we can accomplish this within ourselves, we become better game players with others.
Life is so beautiful when we create choice for ourselves.
At the finish of our session, when her parts from other sessions joined in and they integrated with each other makes me particularly tearfully joyful.
She's coming home to herself.
That's Self actualization.
We began this session with my share. I spoke of all the big steps I’ve made. I was so pleased to tell Ursula of my practice setting boundaries with people. Family, friends and even an authority figure. All big stuff.
Ursula was thrilled. She celebrated my achievements. She was pleased I was activating my curiosity, my awareness which she calls love. She said she could see I’m aware and awake of what is going on around me connecting and moving forward to begin to understand others.
I put up a boundary with a family member. And even though it was rocky and uncomfortable at first, because I hurt her feelings when I set my boundary, which I have learned does happen, I got through it. Ursula’s says all of this is OK. The boundary was about me trying to be honest when I became uncomfortable in the conversation we were having. My boundary was to change the tone of the conversation and the topic's direction and turn it all into growth and connection. My boundary was to stay in the moment instead allowing the discussion to turn into- “well you do that to me.” I was clear I wasn’t referring to past stuff - but the exact moment we were in at the moment. I rooted myself. I stayed firmly rooted in the present - but willing to circle back to anything she needed to discuss or deal with at another time. Lots of deep breaths. I stayed away from name calling, insults or old habits. It worked. A short time later, after processing, I was told this family member that she respected and admired me for it.
I put up a boundary with a neighbor who for some reason I choose not to get too close with. I feel at times manipulated or coerced to accept toxic energy in exchange for me doing what she wants me to do. I set a boundary. I set a clear and concise - I’m kind, and compassionate and I wish her well...but I won’t put myself in situations where I feel taken advantage of. I feel strongly what I offer her is what I am able to and willing to offer her. No more or less. Instead of falling for that “should” and guilt - I turned to - the truth - my truth - that yes, I am willing to be there for someone - using my limits and boundaries. And...with her - I feel strongly she isn’t the type to go into a dialogue about this. I knew I had to put the boundary up. No excuses. No reasons. It just is what it is. With this neighbor - she is someone I tried to get close with before. But her energy and mine just don’t match. There is something I feel is a bit toxic. She means well. I know that. But getting too close requires me to give myself and my time - and the result is me leaving not really feel good after spending too much time with her. I learned I can still be loving. I do send her a lot of love.
I put up a boundary with my husband. That was hard. He was snappish. I got hurt. However, I firmly rooted myself, once again, spoke up for myself, and with self respect communicated my feelings. It took some time - but my husband came back apologizing and admitting he was feeling some shame and instead of being honest - he snapped at me. That was pretty cool. There was one more time - I felt dismissed when we were talking. He was talking - he was letting his feelings and thoughts out - and when I spoke - he cut me off. I felt hurt. So….with calm and loving and aware communication - I told him. I would like to be heard too. When we listen to each other - I feel closer.
I put a huge boundary up with an authority figure - one of my doctors. I felt very vulnerable. And she...well...crossed a line. I didn’t like it. I was hurt. When I tried to call back - she didn’t return my call for a week. I was really upset. I left messages. I left clear, concise, calm and strong messages about how I felt. It wasn’t easy. After a week, she called back. And apologized. It felt really to have that resolved.
Now - one thing I told Ursula - I love sharing everything - all the ups and downs and sideways - so I shared with her that I am very aware that I cannot (it’s not my responsibility) to do the work for other people. And it hurts. It's frustrating. I want to yell at people sometimes. I wish they could be self aware. I get angry. The little girl comes out and wants to yell.
“Hey, I want credit! I want to be heard too! I want you to realize what you’re doing wrong and stop your behavior so I don’t have to do all this work!”
She laughed. And I do love her laugh. Her laugh - is a - with me laugh - not at me laugh. Her laugh is acknowledging that yep - that’s human stuff. She gets it. She knows I get it. And the fact that I'm so self aware - but admitting my vulnerability - her laugh will grow - and then I'll start laughing too - because it’s OK.
Ursula reminded me to check my controlling parts. They like to control when I get nervous. I told her I was - that I did hear them coming up a lot. Wooosh. Again, I admitted it is not easy quieting this voices down. Again, she laughed...because that response - that yes I see them - and yes I’m trying to talk to them - is part of the work. She says these things take time. They don’t have to be rushed. The lessons, the growth, it all takes time. She says the progress I’ve made is wonderful.
I told her about this t-shirt I got that just really felt right to me - but I worried - it might be mean. But I did buy it. It says “I’m all peace, light and love with a little go fuck yourself”. She laughed. Again - I knew - oh she gets it! She said - that’s great. She approved. She said, it reminded her of an old quote. “Speak softly and carry a big stick”. I love that! She said, it’s the same thing - it’s the same concept (just without the curse word). She says, you walk with awareness, respect and compassion - but if you need to tell someone to fuck off (hopefully in a clear, calm way and without the curse words) - it’s OK. Most of the time I can do that without saying the curse words. Although I do curse at inanimate objects a lot!
I actually feel I don’t need to say the words out loud to someone. But I can certainly say them to myself.
It was time to work with my subconscious. As I relaxed I could feel different energies stirring. Some were my inner child feelings. They were worried. They were chattering. “Well, what’s going to come up?” They were impatient. They wanted me to just move on and finish the session. I instantly told them to relax. I saw an image of giggly silly kids running off. They honored my request and settled down. My inner child trusts me now so when I gently ask the chatter to quiet down, for this moment, to do some healing work, that doesn’t mean I’m rejecting them. It just means I need time to clear my head and center myself. I wanted to focus on what my subconscious would like to tell me.
A beautiful image came up. The image of a woman, me, under a waterfall. All dressed in white. It felt so good. Standing under the waterfall just taking a moment to cleanse and release the dirt and grime. The dirt and grime felt like it was all good and healing work. I just felt a need to rinse off. Ursula told me to take a solid minute of peace and quiet to just feel and embrace all the sensations. She said the image I described was beautiful. I asked any voices who came up wanting my attention to just stand aside. Not go away. Just stand aside. I was taking a minute for myself to just let it all flow. So we stopped talking and I took that minute to be in the moment. It was a beautiful minute. I could feel the water drops through my hair. The white was iridescent. I could see the water run down and even tickle the toes of my feelings and thoughts from my inner child - and there was giggling.
I felt good about all the sensations. All the different aspects that make up - ME. We are all in this together.
A message I’ve been getting lately has been it’s OK to be alone with my thoughts. I can handle them. I can nurture them, sort through them, and come up with solutions. I would like to continue to feel this inner power, without still needing validation from others. But...I do believe and honor that the healing work takes time and practice to build new strengths. I am building strength.
We were so thankful for our connection to do this work together. Ursula and I were brought together because of mutual friends. And it’s just beautiful.
She praised me for my healing work. I really loved hearing that praise. It felt so good and so sincere and was a beautiful and loving compliment. She saw me. It didn’t take from her to watch me soar. There’s no competition when a compliment is given like that. No comparison. She takes pure delight in watching the growth and strength and healing that she sees in me. Beautiful..
And here....is a picture of my shirt. It's all about balance.
And from Ursula:
When some people think about spirituality, setting boundaries is not the first thing that comes to mind.
Many of us have been so co-dependent and saturated in following what our parents have told us, things like, "be a good girl" or "Mommy doesn't like it when you behave that way." We've been so conditioned to behave in a way that makes other people happy, even if we feel horrible.
When we do our inner healing work we get to be in touch with those parts of us that never got to speak, whose feelings didn't matter, and got shut down when they wanted to share. We go on for years and years behaving in that similar manner. We could have successful careers, become great parents, but we still are programmed to live for others regardless of how we feel inside.
When we do this inner healing work we realize that we do count. Sometimes when people are not doing gentle healing work they become aggressive and obnoxious in their boundary setting, but Rebecca has done these things gracefully. She really can be so proud of herself.
Vulnerability is a strength. When we are transforming ourselves, becoming more real, true to our values and in touch with our feelings, we become more whole. Vulnerability is basically being honest and open, not knowing how others will respond, but willing to speak our truth and see how it lands on others. Only brave people can be vulnerable on purpose. Vulnerability is the sign of a spiritual warrior. To me, it's one of the most humanly beautiful things that we can express on the spiritual path. It's about being human and spiritual; hand in hand. This is the union between human and God, it's the Union within our heart, within our soul.
When we have enough "Self" in our internal system, then we can be bolder. All the parts become aligned in a better efficient order. There is a time and a place for each part. For instance, we don't have to go to a party and have one part run straight for the bar or the food table because another part feels afraid. Instead, the social butterfly can lead the way because she likes meeting new people and can talk to one person at a time. The tracker part can observe other people and decide who feels good and safe and respectful. The friendly part can come and play too. The emotional part can come to the surface just enough to put their toe in the water and be present for the joy of celebrations, gatherings and touching moments. The boundary keeper part can be standing by, a few feet behind, like a body guard for a princess or a queen. Any fowl play, a sense of cringing or if our breathing changes, it knows to step up. I have two magical words instead of curse words. I pregnant pause the conversation, lock eyes, and in a ninja body posture of sure footedness and arms crossed, I say, "excuse me?" With the tone of a teacher, and the eyebrow raise of a confident, strong and self assured person, the under tone is, "I heard clearly what you just said, and it wasn't cool. If you continue in that vein, we will be having a new conversation that you will not like one bit, but it will be needed, it will help to make you a better person, I will call you out, holding back nothing....or you can self-correct right now with an apology for even trying that on me."
That's what a big stick looks like.
It works every time.
Some people think kindness is a weakness. If they only knew how much work it takes... which is why we are perfectly entitled to let people know when they are being disrespectful. Most of the time it's just ignorance, but that's no excuse either.
Confidence comes from the experiences that Rebecca is having. The more successful conversations she has, the more courage she has access to. The safer she feels speaking up, the kinder her words will come out.
I love the example she gave with her husband. She told him that it makes her feel closer when they communicate. When we share "why" we are asking for something, the other person will understand the depth of it and not misinterpret it for a power play and go into auto- defense.
The sneaky thing is our ego could have a field day with this new way of being. Oh boy, just when we think we have climbed Mount Everest to speak up for ourselves, then there is another part that we have to hold up by the shirt so they don't take the ball and run with it called the controller! Yuck. It could sabotage the whole conversation and end up in a lose-lose situation with an after taste of mistrust towards you from the other person. Ugh.
Little by little, experience by experience, we learn to navigate the inner terrain of our humanness and find out heart center to speak from. The rewards are outstanding and life changing, heaven on Earth becomes a reality.
Rebecca is living the work, actively and intentionally changing her life, by making conscious decisions, designing her life to be her best self. Suffering is becoming a thing of the past.
We began the session unveiling my thoughts and feelings including vulnerabilities and fragility. We spoke about the "stuff" I want to work on and through.
I spoke about some little girl feelings which come up with old friends. I had the "nobody likes me" and "they don't care about me" thought come up. It really hurt. I revealed I was feeling sad. I felt I wasn't seen or heard in a situation with some longtime friends. I felt like the odd man out. I had a fitful sleep over it. However, in the morning I took a walk and spoke to myself. I knew there was no ill will. I knew there was no proof any of these thoughts being true. I know my friends love me and like me. The issue was I didn't want to do the plans they were....well planning. I wanted to meet for brunch and coffee. They all wanted to meet for dinner and wine.
Ursula helped me see as I'm moving forward and healing I am making choices to do things for my best interest. She says that "odd man out" feeling is a normal response to discomfort - and when that part comes up - the "odd man" - which was me - felt attacked. It's OK. She says - alcohol does bring a different mix into the picture. That's just not my thing. Okay - so maybe these hurt - little girl - feelings weren't necessarily true - but I felt them - so they should be listened to with a loving heart and then released to my wisdom and solution based self.
I spoke of my frustration when out with friends and the conversation appears to be 6 degrees of life is shit. For some reason, so many people I know really relish in the "complaint" department. I can do it too. Now - I'm fine with venting and sharing thoughts. But where are the solutions? If it's just going to be a round and round pow wow of how crappy things are - nope - I don't want a part of that. But what do I do? I feel so uncomfortable as I sit there and listen. What could I say or do that doesn't come across as rude, controlling or critical to "them"?
Ursula said when people stay in the "complaining" section of life - it is a low vibration. It's stagnant and murky. She says it's clear my frustration is my stronger parts standing up for myself and saying "No. This doesn't work for us. We don't see life like this. We don't want to see life like this. Get out of this stickiness." It's like quick sand. As I heal - my thinking and behavior are now going against the grain. People can become addicted to complaining. This is a huge step up for me. I am learning it's important to set boundaries with people and if I don't want to listen to the toxic complaining - with no solutions in sight - it is my right and duty to myself to set those clear boundaries, protect myself and for lack of a better term - scoot out of there.
Ursula reminded me I'm a truth speaker. And being a truth speaker can be challenging. It doesn't mean I know the truth or I know everything. It just means I'm willing to be in the truth. I'm willing to call things out. I'm willing to walk through the sticky stuff with the goal of healing and becoming stronger and more connected. I'm willing to work on my stuff. I'm willing to call myself out if need be. But again - some people want to stay in their truth - which may appear to me - sticky and murky.
So what to do?
She reminded me not to go spouting and preaching to people about my work. If they aren't ready - not only will they not listen - but they might become agitated, feel lectured and criticized. It's OK that they aren't ready. People are going at their own pace. They are living the way they see fit.
However - I still need to set those boundaries. Take deep breaths. Take a walk. Try and shift the conversation. "Hey, does anyone want to play a game?" I can pleasantly and peacefully try to steer the conversation to a better place. It's not controlling. It's suggestive. Now if they don't want to or are unwilling I have the right to leave. I can remove myself from the muck.
We spoke about the improvements with my husband. We have been communicating much better. I have been standing up for myself. I have been calmly, clearly, and confidently speaking through my confident, creative and connected self. When I don't feel he is ready or willing to listen - (again - he is going at his own pace) I don't badger him. I try to be respectful of his feelings, but at the same time very respectful of mine. Oh and I told her - happily - the beard is still off.
Ursula gave me praise for all the work I'm doing. She validated and reassured me the stuff coming up is OK. Again, the beautiful reminder is, "Chop Wood, Carry Water." Keep the flow forward.
We were ready to work with my subconscious.
The image which came up was a drum. A big drum - like one someone in a marching would have - and holding a big stick with a poof at the end. I could feel the pounding in my chest. I saw this huge drum walking down the streets beating to the music. Boom...boom....boom....(not loud - just a steady beat). It was moving with the rhythm of its surroundings and the music.
The message from this drum was listen to the beat.
I have my own music.
I can wait and be patient and set my own individual beat.
I can listen to others and still set my own beat and move through life so that I'm not too loud or too soft.
I heard the message - move through life - sometimes pause on the beat until I can feel where the music (life) is heading.
It's OK, to take a beat.
Take that breath before proceeding with an action - especially before a reaction.
There will be times the music (life), the sounds, might be a bit annoying or loud. People are voicing their strong loud opinions - they are giving their monologue. It's like with a classical concert and the saxophone, trumpet or trombone gets loud......you might sit there thinking - I don't like this part. Well, I want to remember just wait for it. The music will change. It will get softer.
Message - wait for my beat.
If the drama gets too loud - too overwhelming - and I can't feel my beat right away - I can tap my fingers or toes. I can take that time to really feel my truth and allow the opportunity for the healing to fill me up so I can respond in the best way.
The message was continue on your path. Allow others to be on their path. Be compassionate and empathetic.
It was a beautiful session. I felt tingly inside.
And from Ursula:
I LOVE It when people really take this work and run with it. Rebecca is living this work now. I think we have met many of her major parts and her whole system has calmed down because her parts now trust her. Rebecca's best self is leading the parade. It's now the alpha dog of her inner pack.
When fear and anxiety lead our lives, it's pretty chaotic and life tends to snowball from bad to worse. Then all the codependent parts kick in and try to hold it all together, which in turn ramps up the tension and stress levels. When we can have the courage to face the inner turmoil, to say this is getting out of hand, I need help, that is the beginning to freedom.
When I read Rebecca's sharing from this session, I get a sense of the inner freedom she has given herself. She is now at choice rather than reaction. She is at empowerment rather than dis-empowerment. She continues to soften into compassion and understanding, which creates a great sense of allowing what is for others and being able to navigate and get her needs met without trying to change others. This is the emotionally mature way to live life. We can see it in old people, they have eventually learned, it's not worth fussing with others.
This drumbeat is wonderful, Rebecca's system has calmed down enough, trusts herself enough, and enjoys moving forward in a safe manner, enough, that she is becoming more comfortable and playful with her life.
The drumbeat sets her pace, keeps her moving, and is a deeper sound which tends to be grounding. It resonates with her heartbeat, steady, strong and life-sustaining. It can only get better from here, away from the chaos and into the sweetness.
Enhance the world, one kind act at a time.
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at Center for Spiritual Living Midtown
We began this session with a discussion about my feelings.
I've been struggling listening to people when they get too dark, negative, or really angry. I'm not talking about NOT being open to discussing ideas, feelings and thoughts. I'm talking about when the conversation is all about how crappy the world is, or if someone is telling a story that I've heard countless times about their past - and I feel trapped that I have to hear again. I can see in their face - it's as if it happened yesterday.
The struggle is a few things. I struggle listening to the same story repeatedy. I'm frustrated that people forget what they tell me. They just go into monologues and I have to listen to the whole story (again as if it happened just now) again - with every detail.
I struggle listening to "the world is a fucked up place" attitude. If I have to listen to someone bad mouthing, being cruel, or just plain over opinionated - it bugs me.
Ursula understood completely. She gave me a few tips to try.
She said I could try to divert the conversation.
I could ask the person - do you need me to hold the space so you can complain or vent?
She says I can tell them, this is not my truth. Can we talk about something else?
Ursula said when people are traumatized, they feel they need to keep telling their story - at the high level of energy. She says they enjoy the high of it. They don't enjoy that it happened - but now that it has - they ride the high of the story.
She said it's hard - but tell the annoyed parts to go away. She says you want that to be out of your body posture and tone when you try and speak with them. She says call the person by name - get them out of the trance. They need to pop out of the story.
Once calm and relaxed you can continue with the questions:
I've heard this story before. Does it still bother you? You repeat it a lot.
She says begin with the end goal in mind. You love this person. They want love. That's our base need and want is love.
Ursula said, why do people complain? They don't feel loved.
She says okay - it others you. I am a truth speaker. But she says be careful not to be too blunt.
I actually took a moment and wonder if I get a hit of the high from their story - because why does it trigger me to be angry.
I told Ursula fear and anger just feels like I'm putting on a turtleneck. I don't like wearing turtlenecks. Too tight.
I told her with all these feelings coming up - my hypochondriac popped out. I started just getting nervous about stuff. She says love that part. It just wanted to worry - but again - it doesn't have to run the show. Say I love you - I'm taking of you - and I'm here for you.
We went in to do subconscious work. I was excited. Right away I felt a burning in my chest and tightness in my neck. I figured of course! I'm irritated and I've been worried. I wasn't sure what image wanted to come forth. I figured it's going to be annoyed.
We went deeper.
At first it looked scrunched up. I couldn't tell what it was. I kept pulling it further away so I could take a look. I was so surprised. It was a wolf. A beautiful silver wolf.
The wolf said - protect the pack. Family, friends and public. The wolf told me to use wisdom to communicate with others. She ( I felt it was a she) said you might have to pace sometimes. She said bide your time before you engage in conversation especially when annoyed. She said don't pounce.
The wolf told me I know the truth of how things are deep inside. Use that. She said use the embarrassment and the discomfort I feel when the old stuff comes up and the other parts want to talk. She says ask questions in your mind - what do you need - what do you want the outcome to be - and then go slowly and calmly. She said ask yourself - what do you want to communicate?
The wolf said - pace when annoyed. I could see her showing me how she walks back and forth. She said use all of it - all of your wisdom and tools to your advantage.
She was such a beautiful wolf and I just kept touching her whiskers on her face, and her head. I kissed her face.
The wolf said when I'm annoyed do what she does - she uses her ears which will perk up. Feel your body. You will feel your instincts. Use all those sensations. Something might be amiss. This is the time to use your strength and wisdom to solve and communicate. Be strong. Be strong like the wolf. Go ahead and howl.
It was a beautiful session. We closed with thanks.
And from Ursula:
So powerful, Rebecca is tracking like a wolf. When we heal hurt parts of ourselves we have a greater capacity to slow down and become more aware, mindful. When we know we can take care of ourselves instead of running self defeating patterns, our whole life experience changes. Over this series of sessions we have done, you- the reader can clearly see the growth. When we grow from the inside out, we become calmer, clearer, more self aware, more caring and compassionate to ourselves, and therefore to others. Life becomes more meaningful.
Yes, sometimes our heightened awareness also sees negativity as more aggressive than the norm it used to be. We tend to watch our words that we say to ourselves. You can also tell someone is doing their inner work when they start a sentence three times, cutting out the negative phrases. That's how we do, one thought at a time, one sentence at a time. All based on awareness. As if self auditing is not busy enough, now we have to deal with others who are not on the path. They are stuck where we were. We run as fast as we can away from where we were in our heads and hearts once we have a taste of freedom from negative patterns. So when people around us are still "There" we feel frustrated. AND a part of the spiritual path is acceptance of others. Who they are, why they are and how they are. Uggh! Exercising compassion and a deeper understanding makes us love people more. When the upset people around us feel more loved by us, they start calming down. They don't even notice it. They don't even know why. Then the result is you get more peace! It is a circular expression, you do your inner work, you love others, they calm down, you get more peace in your internal world and external world.
How is it possible that after doing so many sessions I could learn more and venture into new territory? Because Ursula knows what she's doing. She guides me and directs the conversation to best suit my inner growth. It feels like each session is tailor made to my personal subconscious. You might say - "of course it's personal - you're talking to her about you." What I mean by this is - there are twists and turns in this healing work. Even Ursula doesn't know what will come up. But because of her experience, her gift and her kindness - she is able to "mentally tailor guide" each session so I grow more and more each time.
I feel we are now embarking on part 2 of this subconscious work. After the image of "the lake" we took a break. Now we are back.
We didn't do subconscious work this time. I needed to speak with Ursula about something that had to do with her. I had to talk to her, the facilitator, about Ursula, my friend.
I got irritated about something - with her. That part is personal - between us. It's nothing bad. It's just - I don't want readers to take sides or come back with opinions. However, I want to describe the work. Because really - it wasn't so much about the who, what, when and how - it was about me venturing into new territory - setting boundaries, communicating and working through my fears about being angry or irritated with someone I care about.
I began the session with a preface. I told Ursula I was very nervous about the conversation. I was upset about something, with her, which made it feel sticky. I told her it felt important to discuss it with her and get through the fears about her leaving me if I was upset with her. I told her I had one close friend and we call this discomfort "The Cherry Pit". We say - okay - I have a lump in my throat (metaphorically) and I'm nervous because I want to talk to you. I know there was no ill intent from you but I feel strongly about working through my feelings with you. I'm hoping to do this in such a way that it strengthens our friendship - and after we work through this - we can pull that pit out - plant it - and it will become a tree. (metaphorically)
Ursula said she hadn't heard about "The Cherry Pit". I told her it was something we made up. Well, she was on board and ready talk.
We discussed the topic - going back and forth. It wasn't always comfortable. I was trying to figure how to release my feelings. Ursula was trying to read me and figure out what I wanted and needed. I was burning inside for a while. I felt so scared. I felt more anger rise within - that old stuff - which I learned from my father. "Cut them out! It's done! They don't get you! Leave!" But I hung in there. Ursula hung in there with me. She allowed me to communicate until we figured it out. And we did figure it out.
Once we figured it out - the burning began to subside.
Communication can be tricky.
But it is with non violent, clear, calm communication - I was guided to figure out what I was asking for, what I needed from this conversation, and to move forward. It wasn't easy. The old stuff kept rising to the surface.
What if Ursula gets mad at me for being upset with her? She didn't.
What if Ursula and I don't see eye to eye? We don't have to on everything - but we did see eye to eye on a resolution.
Should I run now? - No.
This is scary. - Sure. But what's on the other side? I wanted to find out. Ursula guided me to stay on course and be patient - and we will get to see the other side.
We got through it. It was a beautiful exchange. And a tree was planted.
Ursula complimented me on the preface I gave in the beginning. (that felt so good) She said I set up the conversation beautifully. As the conversation got knotted up a little, and I was getting frustrated, she guided me and gently explained - it is a good idea - if I can - to relay my needs. It helps the other person - so they don't have to try and figure it out.
She complimented me on waiting to discuss with her my strong feelings, instead of doing it right when it happened - when it might have gone a different way - because my anger and irritation was too loud. (that felt good too) I told her my old approach would have been to roar in the moment. She reminded me - of my parts - those strong parts- that sure - it's understandable to "want" to roar in anger. But what is the goal? If it is to get closer, than why roar? I was so clear, there was no ill intent. I just had feelings about something. So why roar? She reminded me - when you roar - the clean up after might take much longer. If I wait - calm down - sort through my feelings and thoughts - get clear - get concise and proceed to use non violent communication - the resolution will come much faster.
I felt those tingles after the session. I love those tingles. It means healing has taken place. I love it.
The little girl in me still wanted to make sure - "are you still there Ursula?" Yes, she most certainly is - and she felt growth in this session too. Even though she has experience in this work - she is the facilitator - I get the impression - she appreciates the growth too. She doesn't play the game of being above me. She sits besides me.
We closed the session with thanks. It was lovely.
And Ursula's feedback:
Always up for growth, is the best approach to life, because we will be challenged. Instead of dreading the school of life, if we get excited about it and breath through anything we can take it on and come out with cherry trees all around us.
When Rebecca opened with I have something uncomfortable to talk about and listed out her feelings, I automatically could feel myself sit back and go into space holding and listening parts of me. I could tell something was important and I need to be gentle and aware for my parts as well as her.
If she just started the conversation with arms swinging, my parts would have naturally jumped into defending and the whole point of any goals would have been lost. When we preface a difficult conversation with our hat in our hand, in a humble space, then we will get the result we are looking for.
That's the biggest piece in the puzzle of why people don't communicate. We don't know HOW. It's surprisingly not what we say that hurts others, it's HOW we say it.
Rebecca and I were in a social setting together and something happened. Instead of reacting, she had an inner talk with the activated parts and then presented to me and spoke FOR her parts instead of FROM her parts.
Sometimes we have no idea why we are upset about something. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are upset in the first place, but it comes out sideways and we may pick or criticize our family or friends who we are upset about. Can you see in your own life how that happens?
The way this rolled out was that we were able to lay out the different parts and explain what happened and get to a place of understanding all the parts involved. Most of the time when there is a problem or conflict it is based about a misunderstanding and an unmet need. So when we were going through the discussion, I was listening for what could be the need and where was the misunderstanding. We got caught in a loop where things were just being repeated, which often happens. Then we stopped, slowed down even more and were able to further clarify everything. Once I was able to understand what was going on, I could speak from three different parts of myself. That's what's great about doing this work, you can have parts conversations and everything makes perfect sense. I was able to speak from which parts were alive in me and what they were experiencing and why those parts were behaving in that manner. I defined three different parts of me so she could be clear about my intentions and actions.
Then we talked about the whole conversation and saw what was working, what was scary, what was useful, what happened to each of us as things were being said, where the connections were, what pushed us away from resolution and what brought us closer to resolution. That after-discussion was more helpful than the actual discussion. Navigating through conflict can be very intense and disrupting to our parts and our relationships. It was so helpful to process after the conflict to connect us again.
The one thing is we discovered when approaching a person with an uncomfortable conversation, is to add what the NEED is.
Which brings me to Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
The steps are
When (facts times places quotes) happened.
Would you be willing to _____
I have a need for _____
So happy we had this experience together. It was good to exercise these parts.
Wow. Every session has me climbing up the healing ladder. The safe feeling of support from Ursula as I climb, wobble, open my heart, mind and spirit to this journey is breathtaking. I won't say any session is "the best" because they all deserve loving recognition for the valuable information I receive. May I just say this session did fill me with one of those tingly feelings of joyous self love.
We began the session with our usual catch up. What's been going on with me? How am I feeling? What is stirring?
I told Ursula I'm still annoyed a lot. I'm annoyed with bullshit. I'm annoyed with people lecturing their opinion - feeling as if they think people should think like them. I'm annoyed with people interrupting me, being on their cell phones when we are together, saying they are spiritually enlightened when they aren't really present. I'm angry when I feel family or friends are not being truthful with me or taking the time to be self aware. I'm angry when it appears people just want to stay in the negative, the anger, and don't want to talk about solutions or figure out how to move forward. I'm irritated with my husband a lot. He bugs me - with his sounds and loud opinions. I'm angry with myself too! I'm aware when I do this crap!
Ursula spoke a little bit about the human condition. She feels there are the ones who want to move forward and heal and the ones who want to pull back and stay behind. She says - the ones who want to sit in the negative or stay behind don't necessarily do it on purpose - most are not even aware that they are doing it. They feel this is life for them. They don't see it as being behind. A lot people are in a battle with their own condition - their own pain - and they aren't ready to learn new tools to heal. She reminded me when I've been in the muck - struggling with my condition - how it wasn't easy. Ooosh, at first I cringed. I know! I feel so ashamed and feel guilty that I'm mad - when I should be more compassionate. She said wait- you are human. She said I'm aware that I'm doing this - she said that's progress too.
She understood my frustration about receiving mixed signals and watching people in pain. It's not easy. As the shame subsided about my own past pain - and the work that is still ahead - I realized that it's ok - I have my feelings and thoughts - and now that I know this - I have a choice to proceed with a calm, clear, compassionate attitude. I can ask my best self to step forward, embrace all these feelings - but with a relaxed attitude lets keep moving forward and heal. There is a balance.
She reminded me I'm not my condition. She feels no one is their condition ((what they feel is their pain, illness, sadness, anger, etc). She said there is no need to label ourselves (which holds us back). That will keep me stuck. But this is a chance to observe. She says keep observing and as that takes place - my true self - my best relaxed self will move forward to help with it all. She says that I'm ready to do this - I have been doing this.
We spoke about my frustrations, confusion and discomfort trying to help a friend. Again - she reminded me my parts are talking to each other. They are all chattering away. She said - that is OK. She said take the time to acknowledge and accept them for chatter. And then again - move forward with my best self - which knows the truth. My loved ones may be hurting, in trauma, and unable to move forward right now. That's OK. It's OK to have all the feelings. Just remember it's my choice - to ask my best Self to be there to hold the space with love for ALL. "I'm here for you. I love you." That's it. Keep it simple. I don't have to lecture, try to fix, repair, or change them. That's not my job. My job is to show love and compassion - and then work on my Self. She said it is hard to watch someone come and go in their pain - be present one minute and then pull away the next. She reminded me that it is probably the discomfort of knowing - at one time - I was there too - and it was scary. Again - no shame - no critical talking - no judgement. Just observing. I'm repairing. I'm moving forward. I'm healing.
We spoke about the anger and "grouchies" that do come up while doing this healing work. I'm shedding stuff that ran the show before. I'm letting go of stuff that doesn't fit any more. It doesn't peel off quickly. And that's ok. Again - observe. "Hello grouchies. What do you want to say? We don't live there anymore. So say your peace and with love, we will move on."
We spoke about beautiful conversations I've been having with my son. Wow! The trust he has in me is breathtaking and wonderful. I'm so pleased. He sees the growth in me and he is relieved, happy, and can see I'm more present with him. Also now with my tools, I'm there for him in a much more loving, clear, calm and healing way.
As we moved forward in the session to go into the subconscious - as Ursula used the words that prepare the mood - I could see all of my spiritual helpers in my mind. It was as if they were sprinkling the spices of compassion, clarity, connection, courage - all the ingredients for my best Self to come forward - and we line up to go into the subconscious.
I thought anger would come up. I was expecting some kind of image of my grouchies.
Not at all.
I was at a lake. I saw a lake. It was beautiful huge lake. A lake connecting to everything. I could feel the city pulsating around me. I could feel the energy of the world. This included ALL energy- love and pain. I was sitting at the end of a pier looking out - just observing. I wasn't attaching to any one thought in particular. The lake was stunning. I could toss rocks in there and make ripples. I could just let the lake be still. I could hear sound and feel my feelings and then relax and I could feel a stillness.
Ursula was so pleased for me. She said - this is mindful meditation. She said this is a beautiful thing and congratulated me on this step into my healing.
She giggled, delighted and saw my lake. She said I am observing. I really was. "There's that thought, and that thought, and that thought - oh look over there, over there, and over there." She said I am aware can observe the energies -the intense ones...and then I can let them come and go. And the beautiful loving, peaceful ones. No attachment. Just observing.
It was so pleasant and so relaxing. She said - I found my spot and I can visit here anytime.
When we closed the session with our thanks - I was so tingly. My lips were numb. I took a deep breath. She said energy is flowing and shifting and opening. She said my body is taking it all in. I was feeling it all.
And from Ursula:
Love this one!
This is a breakthrough session,. They come every once in a while. Nature has a way of celebrating when we reach a new level. It's Spiritually and it is correct to celebrate. That's how we know we are making progress. It was lovely how the sharing part was frustrated and then we dropped into peace. Like a birth canal, or gathering the courage to speak up and then we are heard. There often seems to be tension before there is benefit.
So interesting too that many people come to visit such a lake in the inner world. I even drew a picture of it when I came upon my internal lake. It's put away in storage now, otherwise, I would I share it.
This lake is PEACE. When we have lived a life without peace and we finally achieve it, excavate it from all the BS we have taken on in life, then it's well worth the effort - seemingly endless effort until we strike the real gold. Peace is more precious than gold. If you have gold but no peace, you may very quickly trade the gold for peace.
Peace seems so simple and easy, not really that far away from reach, until we sit still and try and find it. Then it seems impossible.
The funny thing is that it's really right there. Down the road in our mind. I even mentioned this in the session, when Rebecca said she could tell the city was near by, she could sense it. Same way, in the middle of the chaos of a city in our mind, the lake is right down the road. The lake is always there. No matter how cra-cra things get in the city, the lake is still, it's there, if we want.
Our natural state of being is peaceful. Look at anyone when all their needs are met. If we weren't convinced that we had so many needs, we would reach peace sooner. The problem is when our basic needs are not met, we start reaching. The reaching is never satisfied beyond the moment, the sip, the bite, the purchase, the explosion. So we keep reaching and reaching and reaching. It's easy, quick and immediate gratification, even though it's shallow and fleeting.
When we do our work, really work, not this spiritual bypass pretending we are doing the work nonsense, but the work of staring eye to eye with our demons and having a real heart to heart sincere meeting - then we get the results. That requires bravery, it requires ego to step aside and let go of it's illusion of control, and to feel afraid of the unknown while moving forward. Guts are required. This work is not for the pretenders. It's for the people who are so sick and tired of not getting it right, knowing there has got to be a different WAY of being, of existing. It takes courage, to put down our addictions, our stories, our attachments, our pride.
Look at the reward. PEACE. Now that Rebecca found her lake, she can always go back. That's how it is in the inner world. We begin to get a landscape of the inner world. It's quite heavenly at times, like this place. We can also create once we get enough clutter and false screens out of the way. I love when my clients start creating! The magic begins, the same magic that each child can taste and touch until it gets ripped away.
Peace isn't exciting like joy or happiness. It's just a horizontal line, like the lake. Nothing bothersome, nothing mysterious. Just a straight line. It can be intense in it's simplicity. Ask any artist how intense is a straight line.
We also spoke about the 80/20 rule in meditation. In this session we sat by the lake and just enjoyed the quiet, the calm, the serenity that comes with peace. Rebecca would say oh this... and ahh that... and I would bring her back to the lake. She quickly caught on, and noticed - return to the lake, notice the thought, return to the peace, notice the distraction, return to the simple. The city, the spaciousness of the lake, the desire to toss a stone in the lake and watch the ripple, the enjoyment of the softness of the water when it was undisturbed. The 80/20 is 80% lake, 20% distraction. Take a look at the % symbol. The diagonal line is where we sit. We face the one tiny zero, and have our back to the other tiny zero. They are both there, it's a matter of where our attention is. In the beginning when we learn to meditation, it's 5% peace and 95% distraction. Hahahaha. Eventually it's 80/20, but no promises. Advanced meditators focus on the 80% and the distractions are so meaningless, so weak, that the focus can stay in the 80%, the 20% is there, so what. That's on a "good" day. Hahahaha. By the time we get to 80/20 there is no "good" day, just being on the mat is the reward. The mind could be extra busy but it will still be a worthwhile meditation because we showed up for our self. Consistency is the whole key to a successful meditation practice.
Rebecca is learning so many new things, and she is staying with it. I will have clients who come, do some work and then run away, they continue to struggle and will come back when things get too rough. When someone commits to themselves and does a series they get to change their life. I have other clients who are consistent and they needs lots of time between sessions. The reward is there too, because they are constantly using the new things they learn, they are showing up at meditation, doing service, reading books, forgiving, practicing compassion and loving kindness when it's not so easy. Each person is on their own path.
How are you showing up for yourself?
Before our session started - as I just took deep breaths and allowed myself to get centered - I saw an image of a lion. That lion roared loud. He walked back and forth and just roared. He was majestic and clear. I want to be heard! I found this picture online and it was perfect. This lion is letting loose. He doesn't look angry. He just wants to communicate - and he ROARS!
I've been finding myself grouchy lately. Just knee jerk - cursing at inanimate objects - grouchy. I'm sensitive to noise, people not doing what they say they are going to do - being on the phone when we're hanging out - irritated with my age and sagging arms - being late - watching the "persona" people put on social media (the inconsistencies of reality and social media) - and feeling like it's all fake - wanting to AHA people with their bullshit and out their issues. Eeek. I was a bit embarrassed to lay out all my feelings with Ursula. I told her - I'm healing and growing - I'm working on my issues. I know this is all about me. But jeepers! What's all this?
I've also been feeling very empowered and happy about my growth - but still I even find myself AHAing myself about the stuff I'm still nervous to do - or the things I'm still working on. Or I will be judging myself and worried that it's my anxiety that holds me back with certain parenting decisions I'm making.
After "letting it all out" Ursula had that laugh - that light hearted loving tone. I love that! It feels like she is saying, "Come on in human. It's all right." She actually does say stuff like that. She said all of these feelings - all of them - is proof that the layers of awareness in my spiritual journey are here.
I hope I wrote this down correctly. She was breaking down the layers of awareness and I quickly took notes.
1. What we know and what we don't know.
2. This might be me. Okay - I'll look into that. I can look into the healing work.
3. Screw it. I can have my reaction.
She told me to use all the layers for my evolution. Everybody and everything becomes a teachable moment.
Ursula added this:
When it comes to other people bugging us, how do we respond?
1. We think we know why they are behaving that way, but maybe we don't know. It might be interesting to ask from a place of curiosity instead of annoyance.
2. This might be me. Projection, in some way, we do the same thing that we are not happy about, but when other people do it, it makes us coco for coco puffs. Okay - I'll look into that. I can look into bringing this into a session.
3. Screw it. I can have my reaction. Then deal with the consequences.
Ursula told me - it's time to begin to stand up for myself. Set those boundaries. She says practice doing this before the train leaves the station. I liked that metaphor. She said when you go out - set your intention. If you know there might be an issue - speak about before you go out. Create boundaries and communicate those to people. Don't allow my people pleaser part to take over. She said speak your truth with love and set your intention. She said remember - our time here is precious.
I guess I've always been afraid to communicate with some people - most people - because I don't want a confrontation. But Ursula reminds me -with non violent communication - with my loving intention set in place- I won't have to be afraid to speak up for myself.
She said this is a great topic to discuss - so many people need and want to communicate better. A lot if people are struggling with an addiction to their cell phones and not being present with people in the here and now.
She guided me and spoke so gently. She said speak to your relaxed part. That's the one who can take the lead to start the conversation with my loved ones. She said our true self - my true self - our relaxed selves - is loving.
I shared with her some of the parental decisions I had been making. I was ready for her to say - AHA - your fear is taking over. I asked her because Ursula is a relaxed person. She is someone who is experienced and seasoned - she is adventurous and doesn't take part in a lot of fear based decisions. I was really happy to hear her not only agree with my decisions - but tell me - I was making logical, responsible and well chosen decisions. She said - it didn't sound like fear talking. I felt so validated.
I really enjoyed the session. We didn't go into my subconscious - and speak to my parts this time. Although - I do feel that image of the lion in the beginning was so enlightening for me. The lion wanted to be heard. The lion was leading. The lion was me. So actually a part did show up. I think I was trying to figure out the anger I had been feeling. There was frustration coming up. As I become more clear and confident - I now feel it is time to start creating boundaries for myself. It's time Lead myself - with a lion's roar. Of course - a loving relaxed lion's roar.
I now see clearly the importance of creating these boundaries so resentment doesn't build up.
We spent some time during the session in role play. I was practicing what things I could say to people when I'm upset, feeling an emotion, and I want to see if there is either a way to get through it - a compromise - a set up - an agreement -a way to move through the feelings and get to my true self.
One of the topics - was I get frustrated with friends when they are constantly on their cell phone when we are together. Not a quick call here and there. Or a "sometimes" they are on the phone. I'm talking about every time we are together - there is the cell phone. I'll be talking - and the phone is picked up - and I feel dismissed. I feel like I'm not important. It doesn't make me feel good. So we role played things I might say. I was really nervous. It's scary - and risky - to speak up. But only because it's the habit of that fear - the fear to set my boundaries and speak my truth - I'm trying to heal and work through that fear. She believes - and she has experienced - when we use the loving non violent communication - speak from the heart - usually things go very well. The outcome is usually a closer -more meaningful relationship with people.
It will be interesting to see how I do with this - I have practice ahead.
After the session I felt my heart open. It was a beautiful feeling. I felt my true self - my real intention - it was all love. I felt my true self wanting to grow - acknowledging I am growing - a strong desire to continue on my journey to heal and connect and love. It was such a magical session.
And from Ursula:
I love watching Rebecca change and grow and transform herself. To me it's like watching a tree grow or a flower bloom right before my eyes, day after day, opening more and more, revealing deeper colors and textures. It's like the lotus flower that is the chakra opening, expanding.
On the spiritual path there are many twists and turns, uphill, steep climbs, tricky footing on the downhill, and sometimes just a boring straight and narrow path.
This experience that Rebecca is having, in a way, is shedding layers off, as a snail getting too big for its shell or a snake losing its skin, even when children are outgrowing their clothes. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Our references from before are irritating. We simply outgrow them. And thank goodness for growth.
Before we get on the spiritual path we do everything possible to keep things the same, to keep things safe! But we don't understand how trapped we become. All the while, we wonder why depression and anxiety are an issue. Can you see how one feeds the other?
Think about it - relationships, jobs, social status, the way we speak to ourselves in our head, the television, our religions, roles that we play...it's as if everyone's pulling back as hard as they can.
The only threat is change, which is the big joke, because change is inevitable.
When you look at it, it's quite ridiculous. We are working against ourselves on all fronts. There is the twist, as usual, with good reason. We've learn things the hard way before and we don't like it.
It doesn't take too many crashes, bumps and bruises to realize that making changes and trying new things isn't always easy.
Change; you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
So you might as well go ahead and make a change. The more changes we make, the better we are at changing. When change comes about, we have to rely on our skills and we have to have faith and courage.
Think of our dear ancestors, the Neanderthals and the Homo sapiens - talk about stressed out!
Everything was new, their whole life, everyday. It must have been a challenge - life and death decisions all the time. Don't eat the poison berries. Don't sleep near the ocean shore line. Don't run on the hot sand barefoot. Don't walk in the middle of a meadow with wild animals on the periphery. They had to learn everything that we take for granted today.
So we're wired to be scared. We've been scared for thousands of years. Fear is designed to protect us. Yes, that's fair enough. But what in the world are we supposed to do about moving forward, about improving Our Lives, and about living a spiritual reality instead of an animal fear-based reality?
Rebecca is moving out of fear and figuring out what she can rely on as she moves forward.
Well Common Sense sure does come in handy! That's a keeper. Moving slowly is a great idea too. One of my spiritual teacher from Dao, said "Walk forward cautiously but not fearfully." See the difference?
Reasoning things out before we make decisions is always something we can count on.
Looking at what's fair for all and what's respectful, usually works out well.
Getting a list of Virtues and studying those is a smart way to create our new reality including new boundaries. These are all very helpful tools.
In the Bible it says1 Corinthians 13:11 King James Version (KJV)11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
This speaks directly to our personal evolution - moving away from living in fear and moving towards living from Love and Trust. Trusting our inner self and trusting our deepest life force energy that is beating our heart and breathing our lungs. There's something greater than our fearful self and it's more beautiful, more fulfilling, more generous and more kind and much better at sharing.
In my opinion, this is exactly what the whole spiritual path is about.
We started out our session chatting about the issues which have been coming up coming up. I like this part. Ursula holds the space, while the thoughts and feelings just spill out.
I spoke about a feeling I have - I'm afraid I can't remember all of my childhood. I look at pictures and a lot of times I just can't remember details. Ursula said when there is stress in a child's life (it doesn't have to be sexual abuse for this to happen as I worried) the child disassociates from life. Okay, I should go back a little. I heard that people who forget their childhood may possibly have suffered sexual abuse and blocked out the memory. Ursula felt that isn't always the case. When we spoke further, I even told her I was always either in the past or future - and not present. I was what iffing and wanting to be somewhere else a lot. So I figure I really wasn't present to remember the details.
I spoke about being proud of myself for the work I've done - the steps forward. I go out alone now. I drive in the neighborhood, alone. My map has grown. That's huge work. But I manage to overthink and start to think of all the things I'm not doing - stuff that feels a little too big. Ursula says to stay in the growth. She says look at how far you've come. There is no need to look at what you aren't doing. She says look and notice the growth you have made. It will keep coming. She reminds me I speak of so many things now - I speak of things I want to do - things I wouldn't have spoken about in the beginning of the year.
I told her I've been going through the garage - going through old pictures, sorting through old memories - and old friendships are coming up. I see pictures of friends I don't see much anymore. I got sad. I felt as if I'm the one who holds friendships together. If I don't - they disappear. I said I don't want that anymore. I want people to WANT to be with me and make an effort. Ursula reminded me of that saying - there is a season and reason for people and things. She said - when people leave your life - it's OK - it means they either need to go off and find their way - they may have found someone to fill that need now - OR - the have left because this has occurred from my side too. Friendships stay together for mutual reasons. If they drift apart - then the natural process is taking over.
I then shared about my husband and the sadness I feel that we aren't romantic or getting closer to each other. I feel he is hard to penetrate. I can't seem to get close. I feel I'm pulling away. After trying so much - I feel myself fantasizing about other men, wondering if I'll ever be romantic again with anyone, let alone my husband. Ursula said - all of this is normal - but it is important not to take the fantasy and run with it - without doing the work - and being present and taking care of myself. She says don't indulge the fantasy without focusing on the growth work. This includes honesty, respect and kindness for all involved. Yes, I'm aware I won't follow through with any affairs - but the sadness for the lack of intimacy with my husband is strong. Okay - Ursula said - it's time to really get in there. She said it's time to be very clear with him and find out what he has to give. If he doesn't want to give, than it's time for me to figure out how I would feel without him as a husband. If he does, well than it's good for me to be clear and calm while we work together to figure out a way to repair our relationship. He may not want to do healing work. It certainly feels that way. But if he does - and he just needs a push - well than it is time for that push. (We just made an appointment to go in for counseling together. My husband seems into it. So that's a step forward) . I hope this helps us. My husband has admitted to feeling depressed. He is tired all the time, and he doesn't like it. Whether it is age, or some sadness deep within, I hope we can uncover it together and as a family - our whole family - we can build some new bridges and get through this - together.
It was really neat. Ursula really helped me hold this hope that my husband would want to go to counseling. It worked. She said it's important to start working together if both of us want this to work. She says it is time for answers.
(I have proof it worked too! My husband and I did have the counseling session together and it was wonderful. Better than I had hoped. He opened up, shared and felt happy we made the appointment. Growth! I wrote to Ursula and she was so happy.) I wrote to Ursula right away and she was so happy and said this:
I am thrilled to pieces about her husband getting counseling.
It's a sigh of relief for me. It brings in great hope for the future.
Everyone wants love. If we can just find the right way to give and receive it, then our world, and the world can be a better place.
After our chit chat (which is so nurturing and makes me feel so understood) we were ready to check in with my subconscious.
The first part to show up was a pacer. This poor thing was pacing back and forth, back and forth saying fuck, fuck, fuck. He was so upset. So nervous. He was so tired of worrying. He gritted his teeth. He was tense. I could feel the tension in my chest, neck, mouth and eyes. He felt he was always worried I'll make a mistake. Would it be his mistake? He didn't listen sometimes. He did his own thing. Is that why things went wrong? I asked what mistake? What is he referring to?
A memory came to me. I was around 7 years old. I was supposed to go to a fancy party. I was dressed in a lovely dress - all cleaned up. I wanted to run around the block to my friends house and play. I was told to keep my dress clean. I was playing on the porch with my friend. We were jumping off the porch. Her mom came outside and said it wasn't safe - we shouldn't be doing that. I didn't care. I thought she was wrong. I brushed her off and flew off the porch - free and careless. I fell. I hit my head on a metal sprinkler and then....the blood. Lots of it. It came running down my head onto my dress. Oh dear, did I know I was in trouble. I took off down the street running to get home. I met up with my sister who was coming to get me. The horror she saw - she still reminds me - must have been awful. I felt like - get out of my way - I'm in trouble! Look at my dress. (I was trying to find a picture of me around this age. I found this one. That's me on the right. And on the left is my pal Julie. This isn't they day - this isn't the porch - but here I am in a fancy dress - and there's a good chance - about to get dirty.)
I couldn't remember all the details. Ursula kept saying - ask your subconscious. It knows. I really felt blocked. Something was blocking me from all the details. Had I blacked out? Or while it was all happening - I probably checked out because I was overwhelmed with feelings. I knew I had done something wrong.
I remembered being in the kitchen and a ton of the neighbor women were in our kitchen trying to stop the blood. It wasn't stopping. They had to take me to the hospital. I don't remember hurting or being in pain - at all.
I remember being in the hospital all stitched sitting on my dad's lap in a wheelchair. Apparently he had fainted because he thought I was going to die. I remember a woman saying, "Does she have a cold?" She was looking at all my bandages. I was embarrassed.
Ursula asked me about my young girl feelings.
I felt shame. What did I do? I didn't listen.
I felt punishment. I didn't listen and now look!
I felt embarrassment. People knew I had done something wrong.
I felt sadness. Why me? I was having fun. Why did this have to happen to me?
It was time to release all of that. I was a young girl and I made a mistake. So what? I didn't die. I was still alive. Ok. It would have been nice to be told - that's ok - that's how you learn. But I stopped being adventurous. I don't ever have to stop being that young girl - who likes to take chances and fly free. I heard my young self say "Hazaah!" She still wanted to have fun.
The young me began to feel more light hearted. I told her - I'm here for you now. I've got your back. You go ahead and be silly. We will figure this out together. You can stay tucked in my heart - have fun - come out when you want to play - and I'll watch your back. If it is unsafe - we will figure it out. I'll keep that young me safe.
There was a moment - when Ursula began to laugh. I love it when she does that. I can't remember what I said. I think I was talking from my young girl self. I hope Ursula remembers. When she laughs - it makes me feel so good. She finds humor - playful humor in my parts. She isn't afraid or judging them at all. She guides me to do the same. It is very strengthening to do this with her. Ursula's laughter reminds me - it's funny. Some of this is wonderful, delightful and funny.
There was a point that I just said, "I have to pee." Ursula said - is your young self saying that? I said, no it's me. I knew I could hold it - but I have to say something here. I wouldn't have done that when we first started the work. I would have been embarrassed or nervous to interrupt the session. But now - I could say it - deal with it - and make a decision to hold it.
(Looking back on the session - I'm wondering if my bladder got activated by the story. I usually go to the bathroom before a session. And I don't have to go unless I'm nervous or there is too much emotion. )
This was a wonderful session. We closed with our thanks.
I want to take a moment to thank Ursula. This journey is so important, so fulfilling, so magical and wonderful. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. I'm so glad - even though it is hard at times - I have a questioning mind - that I'm doing this work - this self discovery work is valuable. I include her link below. I hope someone else takes the chance, takes the leap to go and works with her. You won't be disappointed. Check out her site. She is also on Instagram. She will answer any questions you have about the process. Feel free to look back at our previous sessions.
We are working to include an audio version of the sessions. Already - some of these have an audio version with Ursula. I was taking some time before I headed back and reread the sessions. But I feel I'm ready now. So I'll try and get those attached to the different blogs about our session.
And from Ursula:
As I was reading this I started laughing and laughing. Life is SO bizarre! A bleeding girl runs down the street all dressed up...neighbor ladies in the kitchen...Dad fainting...head bandage prompts woman asking if the child has a cold! WHAT!!! So...so funny. Children get into the strangest situations. I can't even image the stress level of some moms whose sons or daughters are hurting themselves on a regular basis, "What now?!" It's not funny in the moment, but the timelessness and universality of this a -day- in - the - life scene, is movie capturing quality. It's very real.
I was laughing and wrote this before I read the paragraph about me laughing during the session. Interesting. I think I laughed during the session when the lady in the hospital asked if little Rebecca had a cold. That didn't make one bit of sense, why would someone have a head bandage on and have a cold? What struck me as funny is, here we are in the middle of some sort of crisis and then something from left field comes in for a comedic moment. This is often the case when we are paying attention.
One comment about having to pee during session. I write to my clients before our session to make sure they pee beforehand. The deal is that holding our urine is a voluntary thing, it's not involuntary like a heartbeat. Our conscious mind is actually in charge of holding our pee. Amazingly enough we are also holding our shoes on our feet all the time and don't realize it. When people get hit by a car, the shoes will sometimes stay were the people were standing...strange. That was just an odd side note. When we relax SO deeply in the session we stop holding on to our urine and that's what happens. I will have people pee before the session and still have to pee during or right after the session - that's the relaxing effect of the session.
Thank you Rebecca for thanking me and encouraging others. I think everyone should be doing these sessions. They are so profound and deeply healing. Ancestral healing. We carry feelings and traumas, secrets and pains down through our generations until some exhausted, brave or awake person decides it's time for a change. I myself do this with a colleague twice a month. It's an amazingly wonderful and self loving thing to do.
When we don't remember our childhood it's because it's not worth remembering. Whatever the reason - neglect, abuse, overwhelm are common reasons. Imaginary friends and seeing beings that no one else sees are also mixed in there. Many children learn, out of necessity, how to leave their body. They sort of float just outside of their physical body. These are the little ones who tend to crash into things or miss the step or drop things. They don't have full control over their body because they aren't completely IN their body. Women tend to do this much more than men. When I have clients who don't remember their childhood, I take a deep breath before we go in. The times and places we go are not okay by any stretch of the imagination. It can be heartbreaking and I am glad that our systems are so adaptable that we have the capacity to block out ugly experiences so we can keep on living. It's also terrible when people are stuck in the trauma moments and keep running them like a broken record and can't get out of the emotional loop. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. When I take my non-remembering clients back, we do it specifically in order to not overwhelm them. It can be done.
This session is a great expression of our defiant parts and how they can get us into trouble. It also brings up that saying "you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy." So with Rebecca, you can take the adventure kid out of the playground, but you can't take the playground out of the adventure kid." How many funny stories there must be about children who are dressed up...and something unexpected happens. I am sure you have one. It would be fun to share.
Parenting is also difficult. Where is the line between managing the children to be respectful and aware of being well behaved and the line of them being afraid of the parent and their judgement followed by punishment? I have met people from families that were so lovely, never angry or punishing and yet the child would fear disappointing the parent. That comes from wanting the parent to know and feel the appreciation the child has for the parent. Now, there is a dark side to that too, but I'm not talking about that right now. In an ideal world, a great parent would be a kind and compassionate adult who understands that childhood is about learning and many mistakes are made in the learning process and that lovingness around learnings is an awesome way to go. There is still room for the child to be disappointed in themselves or wanting to get it right the first time, or the child misinterpreting that they don't need to work at anything because mom loves them anyway. So many conditions to manage at the same time.
We are all working towards being our best expression of our self at any given time, learning, growing, making mistakes as children, as parents and as people in general. It's to have compassion with one another. Look at how many people needed compassion in that scene we went back to. The friend's mom who warned her it wasn't safe, she could say to herself, "I should have stayed out there." The friend who kept playing too, the sister for making it about herself, and her mom who may have thought, "I should have made her stay in the house." Then there are the neighbor ladies who may have wished they knew first-aid better. There is her father who passed out when his family needed him, then needed help himself because that could have been the worst day in his life. And then, most of all, Rebecca, who was more concerned about ruining the dress and getting in trouble rather than the safety of her own life.
Compassion to all.
Okay, so at the beginning of the session I had a whole other plan - I had things written down - things I wanted to discuss. But the minute I heard Ursula's voice, my parts just started chatting away.
I wanted to share with her the work I did speaking up for myself with my husband. I really did it. I was clear, concise. I wasn't insulting or had any intention of being rude. I spoke the truth. I spoke to him about the beard - that I was unattracted to his long beard. I was clear. I didn't tell him to cut it. I just said, once again, I don't like it. She was very proud of me. That felt good. It was scary. Oh yes. But I stayed on course. I didn't waver from the truth. I even spoke about my part in the equation - my part in our relationship. I apologized for life being challenging with me over the years. But then before I spiraled down - and started to feel shame - I swooped back up into my confident self - declaring all the work I've done and all the work I'm still doing. I'm still in counseling, healing and doing this hard subconscious work with Ursula.
I'm giving Ron time to digest the information and the words I spoke to him. But waiting is hard. As I wait all my dark thoughts, fears and worries have begun rising to the surface.
My parts wanted to talk about the thoughts coming up. There has been a little bit of struggle with OCD, dark thoughts, and weird random thoughts popping up in my head. But again, before I spiraled down too far into shame and sadness, I swooped back up again and was clear and concise. I was aware the dark thoughts were NOT me.
Now the struggle with the OCD, germ worry, moving forward, pushing more boundaries - that's real - that's the stuff I'm still working on. I was not spiraling down, but I said I'm scared. It's a lot. It feels like so much work to do.
Ursula was clear. That's ok. She said I've been doing a lot of work. When the work gets hard, the parts that want to scare me a little (which she feels is their defense mechanism and that they are trying to protect me). They are saying, "Whoa! Wait a second. You're moving too fast. What's going on here? Throw her some worry. Throw her some OCD. She's going too fast. We don't like things fast." But I have the tools and can remind myself to speak to those parts - and say - "I'm here for you. It's OK. Let's do the work. Let's ask our best self to come forward - and let's find solutions.
I spoke about my little annoyances with my family. My husband makes too much noise when he eats. He watches the news too loud. My mom has been bugging me because I feel we don't communicate well. Okay - Ursula brought clarity into the conversation. She reminded me - I'm working on these relationships. There is a lot of healing ahead - issues to work through. So the parts that get irritated and frustrated - well - they're telling me - something isn't right. If it was all nice - their sounds and quirks wouldn't bother me.
She reminded me to stay on course. She said remember other members of my family aren't doing the work I'm doing. So I need to be consistent, calm, clear with them and probably repeat things over and over. She reminds me to tell them I want to connect with them. I want a better relationship with them.
Okay....time to get to work. So we did.
Right away, an image came to me. It always surprises me what pops up. So ready?
It was an adorable hillbilly girl. I found a cute picture to add here. She had her knob ponytails. Her teeth weren't great. She was a bit embarrassed. But she was dressed cute. She was proud to be a hillbilly - but didn't want to sink into any gross hillbilly behavior (no offense to hillbillies - this is about "her" behavior - not hillbillies as a group). She wasn't into the old programmed ways that have been destructive to her. She didn't like behavior that is intolerant, ignorant and unkind. But she felt guilty that her loved ones were bugging her. Of course the beard bugs her too. She felt if she complained - someone was going to say, well look at you. You're a hillbilly. You're unkempt too.
We spoke about my tattoos. My husband doesn't really like them. I had them when we met. But I guess, he didn't want me getting more. I don't have a lot. But this hillbilly girl felt if she had a right to complain about the beard - did he have a right to complain about the tattoos? Sure. Why not? Will I remove them? No. Will he remove the beard? Who knows? But the truth has been vocalized, feelings revealed, and a discussion can now happen - if both parties are open to the healing - and maybe we can find out how to move forward as a couple - figure out a compromise.
I spoke to my hillbilly girl about what we can do to move forward. We can be patient while waiting for my husband to come and communicate. We spoke about things I can do while I wait. I can learn new things. I want to continue to empower myself. Learn an instrument, maybe? Get creative. Hillbilly girl liked all of these suggestions.
Hillybilly girl wanted to release the shame and disappointment of the past. It's OK to rock the best part of the hillbilly lifestyle. She wanted to stand tall, get centered, move forward - pigtails, cute socks and jeans. Be her. Be proud. She wanted to see more sassafras in herself(that's the word she used - I like it). She didn't want to feel shame anymore. I don't want to feel shame. So together we can let go of that old shame and move forward.
We closed the session. I was feeling very tingly and hungry. I was trying to remember everything, I wanted to write it all down immediately but at the same time not rush and get up too quickly. I know when I rush to get up, I'll get dizzy. So I took deep breaths. I slowly got up. I centered myself and returned to the present.
And from Ursula:
When we do this inner work, it’s as if we are taking huge chunks of the iceberg that is under the water. The top part barely moves sometimes, but when enough chunks get removed, there is an obvious change above the water. The inner work is going on under the water and the way we show up in the world is above the water.
Even though the beard conversation has been going on for some time, this was a different version because Rebecca was speaking from a different part of herself. She spoke from a place inside of her where there is more clarity and where not too many emotions were involved in the conversation. One message, one part speaking, and inner clarity coming out as clear communication. She didn’t have as much attachment this time and was not sending out mixed messages that would confuse her husband. She was being matter-of-fact in stead of emotional. He could hear her in a new way. Who doesn’t respect and appreciate clarity! We all do. We would love for our own mind and heart and soul to be more clear. When there is clarity, there is peace. It might not be pretty, but if it’s clear, it’s golden. Clarity also comes with much space around it. Chaos seems to be so crowded, so much confusion, and so noisy. Clarity comes with calmness, patience, the ability to wait and listen. Clarity comes with strength and power. Clarity is closer to solutions that were not available before. Clarity is one of the sublime results we get when we do our inner work. It’s priceless. Similar to peace. You can’t buy it, you can’t wish it into existence, and you can fake it for only a minute or two. Truth will always expose the ugliness of pretending something. On the other hand, when we have done the real work, which is sometimes difficult and heart breaking work, there is a beautiful reward waiting for us.
So cute to meet the HillyBilly part of Rebecca. So adorable, so authentic, and very real. These are the parts of us that we can really enjoy. She’s not the “good girl” living for the approval of everyone else. This doesn’t mean she is not naturally a good person who does the right thing because she naturally knows what the right thing is . We all know the right thing. Don’t you? There is a part inside of each of us that totally knows it’s not okay to lie, cheat, steal, and say hurtful things to ourselves or others. You know it. For many reasons and excuses we lie to ourselves about this. When we can meet someone as real and true to herself as HillyBilly, we see there is a light about the purity of who she is and how she is. She feels all the feelings and still loves herself and believes in herself. She knows others judge her and that’s okay. She loves herself - crooked teeth, dirty feet and all. That’s the HillyBilly Way. When we know and accept ourselves - know who we are and how we are - then we can accept others too - the noisy eaters and all.
I called a tree service to do some work. It was a big and very expensive job. I've used the service before so I was hoping to feel as content and happy with their work as the last time they were here. I wasn't. Several things were NOT to my liking. They broke things without telling me, including a hose in the front yard (they left the water running - gallons of water were wasted), one of the workers went to the back of my yard (they weren't doing work there) my guess urinated, they broke stepping stones, left trash in the yard, filled up our recycling can with trash, and to top it off left without telling me that our electrical mount on the roof (which holds the major house electrical wires) was pulled out. Needless to say, I was angry.
Ursula was great. She validated my feelings, telling me all of these feelings were perfectly understandable. She wanted me to focus on empowering myself. I was fearing retribution from the workers, combativeness, or....that they wouldn't give a shit to my feelings if I complained. I had texted the owner already and he didn't show a willingness to take responsibility.
Now one thing I did do - I'm so proud I listened to my instincts - I have withheld his check. I am waiting for my electrician to come and fix it before the tree company receives their full payment. I feel really good about this. I'm planning on paying for the service but not for the electrical work because of the damage done.
But what about all these feelings? Wooosh! They were coursing through my body.
We went in to do subconscious work.
The image to pop up - strong, loud and clear was a girl doing a kung fu low punch kick to the ground. I called her Shazam. I couldn't find an exact image but I found this one online that I included here with this blog, because I think embraces how I feel about her. She is defiant, tough and sexy. She is not afraid to be herself. She was mad. She wanted to punch and punch hard. She is a tomboy kind of girl. I could see her, her anger and her frustration was pulsating.
The next image, to my surprise, was the face of my my ex husband. I didn't see that coming.
I began to cry. A memory came forward. We were on vacation with him and his family in a cabin. We were all playing board games. We were laughing. I remember his brother was getting annoyed that he wasn't winning. I called him out on it. His brother got mad at me. We got into a little verbal match. When my ex husband got me in the next room, he yelled at me. I had embarrassed him with his brother. He was angry and yelling at me. Here is where the memory began to hit hard for me and I began to cry more. I remember sitting across from him at the table. It didn't feel fair. His brother was rude to me! I remember getting frustrated and saying, "You look like you want to hit me. Go ahead. Hit me." Well, he did.
"So you invited it", Ursula said. I was so sad. I felt shame.
This is where the work gets intense but so valuable and rewarding. Ursula wasn't saying I deserved it. What she wanted me to explore was the invitation I gave to my ex husband to hit me. The image of Shazam, in my subconscious, was furious. She wanted to punch him. Instead, with the young vulnerable me, the rage of Shazam running its course, - I yelled out "hit me."
We went deeper into the memory slowly releasing the intensity and pain. I spoke to both Shazam and my younger self. It was a good thing I didn't get physical and hit my ex husband. It wasn't good that I gave permission either for him to hit me. I could clearly see, looking back, I didn't want to do that. I could also see I didn't deserve to be assaulted. I didn't properly give my anger love and attention and ended up making a rash decision that hurt me.
So now it was time for self forgiveness. Now was the time to let all that hurt and pain to come forward and to be released. The anger, frustration, shame, disappointment, hurt and sadness - I let it go. I looked at my younger self and said "that will not happen again." It was as if my younger self wanted forgiveness. I said to my younger self, "Oh I'm here for you now. I'm here to work on these issues now. But we will take the time to remember that feeling - and be clear - NO ONE will ever be invited to wound me again."
We continued to step into the feelings. I've always felt shame for who I am. I have felt if I'm not someone else - if I let the real me out - I won't be validated and liked.
All of the sudden, rising from the surface, came another image - my sexual part. Standing there feeling shame because of decisions I made in the past to have sexual relations with people. But also at the same time, I looked like I wanted to feel confident. I made those decisions. Okay, some were wonderful, others were disappointing.
We went round and round - one by one - looking, examining and honoring all these parts. I could see how they were all connected. I could see the fear attached that if I stood strong and tall - I would be punished. Well, something happened. I punished myself.
Now? I've made a decision to become, embrace, respect and love ME!
Ursula guided me to form a conference with my parts. It was so interesting. Several years back, when my mom had a stroke, I was really struggling with fear and sadness - I didn't know if my mom would survive. I remember, and I speak of this in my book Mental Girl, where I formed a committee. It was a loving group of people who reminded me it's ok and they would be there for me. They got me through it. I picked people who I admired and respected and put them in the committee.
But here, with Ursula, doing this work - the step up from that - is that she says form it out of your best self. That committee is YOU. All of YOU. All working together to make the best decisions for me, my healing, my growth and includes the love I deserve to have for myself. How beautiful!
I saw it. I saw a solution. It was to hold a time out when I'm overwhelmed with anger, sadness, or confusion. When things get overwhelming, the energy is coming so fast, and I'm feeling strong intense feelings - BEFORE reacting quickly - I want to hold a time out. A time out to get clear. A time out to get centered. A time out to love myself. A time out to take deep soothing breaths. A time out to make clear concise proactive steps forward towards a solution which will be empowering and healing. I am very sensitive. I feel so much. Sometimes I can't distinguish my emotions and someone else's. They all get jumbled. So the emotional and physical time out is excellent for me so I can get centered and empower myself.
She encouraged me to talk to my sexual side. No shame or embarrassment. I am a sexual being. There are so many things I can do for myself that would nurture this side. I can do this now. The past is the past. There was nothing wrong with any of it. But to move forward, I am to now romance myself. I can flirt with myself. I can fulfill my sexual needs on my own. There are so many ways to fulfill and nurture myself. It's my turn to embrace that.
My young self, Shazam and my sexual self seemed very pleased to engage in the time out and the increased self love and self acceptance.
This was a very empowering session. I felt like we came full circle. I am trying to figure out what works for me, taking steps forward to embrace my fears and also let go of them to try new things.
However, there are times when I'll be given some advice, and it may not work for me. That's my intuition talking. There are times, I do feel clear that fear is holding me back. I can use the time out to figure out- is it intuition or fear? Both will require confidence, courage, connection and clarity.
The work here has been encouraging me to let it all out, flaws, strengths - all of it. Look at it. Own it. Love it. The real me is coming out - slowly and surely. But I'm proving to myself - I'm here to do the work.
I ended the session so warm and tingly. I love that feeling. It's a beautiful feeling - because it means the session was filled with soul exercise.
This session is quite profound.
It's age-old too.
The traditional battle between the sexes. One aspect is the fear that women have about men physically overpowering them. Men are typically bigger and/or stronger.
We don't have enough conversations about how women are constantly walking around in fear. We have to negotiate and manipulate in order to get our needs met, in spite of the fear. We negotiate and manipulate ourselves and others.
Old, old stuff here, from the beginning of time, I would imagine.
Shame is one of our lowest vibrations. Shame, blame, self-loathing, suicidal feelings; those are at the bottom of the barrel. Why? Because they have power over us when they really get going. We can barely think for ourselves when we're under siege with one of these emotions.
Let's take a look at that whole scene with the ex-husband and Rebecca.
One big aspect of that confrontation is that her ex-husband was choosing the brother over her. When we are a wife, a daughter, a girlfriend, we expect safety and protection to be provided by our man. When they turn on us, it greatly increases the fear factor.
While the game was being played, Rebecca felt empowered to call out the truth. I don't know about you but every time I say the truth, it ups the ante to see if people will push back or will accept it. It's usually never a question if the truth being spoken is true...because everybody knows the truth when it is spoken. So if you are a truth-speaker, you have to keep an eye on whom you're telling the truth to!
Just because it's true doesn't mean it's popular, favorable or enjoyed.
And when people don't like what truth speakers say; there are consequences. Many people throughout time have paid mercilessly for speaking the truth.
This scene re-triggers all of those feelings.
See, we carry a collective consciousness that we don't even know; it's a sub-context conversation that carries on throughout generations.
As if all of that is not enough, the next emotion is shame. Shame did not allow Rebecca to sit down in front of her angry husband, take a few breaths and calmly ask why does he pick the brother's side over her side when he knew what she said was true? Shame did not allow Rebecca to say "I feel scared when you yell at me?" Shame did not allow Rebecca to come up with another solution - perhaps to go out to the brother and say, "It seems like I hurt your feelings when I said that, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I can see this is a sensitive topic for you and I didn't know that about you, I'm sorry."
So, she had a fearful part that was triggered. As her husband shamed her for causing a fuss, it totally activated her shameful part.
The combination of shame and fear is a losing hand. As a sensitive and empathic person, she could feel her husband's anger rising, as he was feeling protective over his brother, angry at her perhaps for breaking the family agreements of not speaking the truth, anything else that he was mad at her about, and who knows what parts of his were activated!
Then it seems like her survival part came in who wanted to fight. I'm sure she felt cornered in the room - so flight was not an option.
So between her fearful part, her shameful part, and her fighter part she had to position herself for safety.
So many intense emotions happening at the same time disables us from thinking on our feet. She turned against herself.
Her truth-speaker stepped in yet again... calling out his feeling of wanting to hit her. Ugh.
Which one of her emotions do you think said "Go ahead. Hit me?"
It could have been the fearful part that's just sick and tired of walking around afraid all the time, "go ahead and just do it! Trying to live life feeling threatened all the time is exhausting!
It could have been the part of her that was upset that the very man who was supposed to be protecting her is turning against her, so her defiant Part stepped in, "You're acting like a big dick right now, how big of a dick are you? Prove it to me, so I know for sure. Are you going to hit me too!?"
Maybe it was her fighter, "Go ahead, you're going to win anyway, get it over with, you punk!"
Can you see how people can get emotionally overwhelmed when so many parts are activated, energy coursing through our veins, and releasing opposing hormones? What a mess. When Self is present, we can protect all the parts, keep them contained, think on our feet and come up with an immediate solution and then speak for our parts at a later, calmer time.
This work is no joke. Loving ourselves takes work.
I began this session talking about my sadness about a close family friend who was dying. I was feeling a lot of emotions thinking about my dad who has also passed, thinking about the past, and all the feelings that may come when speaking about the "death" subject.
Ursula held the space for me. She said everything I was feeling was so normal.
I then began to open up about my relationship with my husband. I've been feeling angry. I feel anger is underneath the surface masking as anxiety. I feel impatient and nervous about what is to come and how we are going to heal some of the hurts and issues between us. I feel we are distant and not intimate. It's very frustrating.
Ursula said to continue to focus on my own healing. She said not to use the anger as energy to fuel blame toward my husband, try to fix or change him, or rush his process. She says, he is going through his process, probably figuring out his feelings as he watches me go through mine. I was very emotionally sick for a while. That had a huge impact on him. She said he might be wondering if it will come back. He is probably struggling with his own feelings about life and the road ahead for us, for his work, and his relationship to himself. She said poking him or picking an argument right now would send the energy into a direction that wasn't healing for me and him.
She recommended taking time to acknowledge while I was sick - I hurt my family. They didn't know what to do. They were scared. They saw me in pain. I will admit I felt anger and shame when she said that. My little girl part wanted to say - but...but...but...I didn't do it on purpose! I realize that she wasn't saying to put blame on me. It was to acknowledge all the steps in the process of healing. This happened. There were consequences and effects. But also - it's ok. It's all part of the process. She repeated - stay on my healing path.
She said I should be thrilled with all my progress. Allow the family to be thrilled and pleased along with me, but also they may be nervous. What's next? Well, for me - I plan on continuing to heal.
I took deep breaths and let the information rush through me. Allow everyone to digest the new me and their feelings about the old me. I'm growing and healing.
Still, I found myself irritated. I was frustrated. Wait! Yes, I was sick. But I was always honest. I was hurt. I am healing! I should get credit dammit! I've been there for my family. I've tried to communicate with my husband. All those feelings of anger, impatience started rising to the surface. She said, all normal but to try and see them as just that - feelings - rising and releasing. I began to allow her words to soak in. My work is to choose instead of fueling more anger, frustration and irritation - to fuel the healing and loving energy which will continue to guide me to embrace my life - make it better - work on myself - and feel good.
Because of all the work Ursula and I have done together, I am now doing more and more with confidence and independence. I struggled for over 30 years. And now, I go out more. Alone. I drive. Alone. My map is expanding. This is amazing and beautiful stuff.
She began to discuss love languages. I know she can explain it better. But she said most couples assume that marriage/relationship mean the other person is suppose to always be there - always have your back - that their rightful position is to know your needs and meet them. But that isn't true. That is our job to do for ourselves.
I hope Ursula can write a little about the love languages and explain a little more about how men are wired. It's not an excuse for their behavior. It just is. They need clear concise information. They need directness. They also go through a kind of agony when they can't fix something/you.
She also described the difference people have and the meanings they put on gift giving. One person may give cards. The other likes touch. Another person likes to be heard. She taught me the best thing couples can do is listen and find out what the other one likes. You don't have to change what you like. But it is important to communicate it to your partner, so they know. No one just guesses. And there is a good chance you both don't gift give the same way.
Again - I was getting irritated but quickly I began to understand her wise words. She wasn't blaming me. She wasn't telling me to do all the work. She wasn't dismissing my feelings. She was saying - there is a fuel brewing inside me - and I have a choice. Do I want to use it to heal or to harm. I want to heal!
I began to really listen. She said keep going with your work. She said work on myself, make myself feel pretty, go out, and find the things I like to do. Move forward. Basically I felt she was telling me to romance myself! She said you don't do this to replace your husband. You don't set out to find someone else. YOU find YOU. She says when we do this - the other partner has a choice. They can see these positive changes and say I want in! I like this! I want to be a part of this. Or they can say - no. I want to stay the way I am. I don't want to change. Go ahead and leave. She said it is so important to continue to self empower.
We then went in to do the subconscious work.
As she guided me to prepare to do the work - an image was popping up loud and clear as if to say I'm here. See me me me! I'm here and ready.
The image was a sloth. It was a cute sloth - going at it's own slow sloth pace, just inching along - no rush.
Oh it was ready to communicate. It said, take your time. I could see it. If a sloth was crossing the street - I would have a few choices. Sit in the car and scream at it to get moving. I could get out and lift it up. Might be heavy and bite. Or....I could admire it and let it do its thing. It'll get across. I have time.
I really could see this sloth as being a representative of my progress. I'm going at my own pace. There are times when it's slow - and slow can be fantastic. There are times slow may be frustrating. There are times other people's progress is the sloth. Life is the sloth. Healing is the sloth. But it's ok. It's ok to let the sloth do its thing.
It was a really cool thing to see and feel the sloth. Ursula thought it was fabulous that a sloth should come up.
We closed the session with thanks.
As my healing progresses, I notice myself responding so differently to Ursula's wise words and teachings - or should I call it guidance? Of course, I still feel the young student part - frustrations and anger will rise to the surface. It's my tantrumy young self who becomes overwhelmed by emotion. But in our work together, I feel a stronger link to the gifts that are offered to me - and my true self, the inner parent comes up and calmly assists so I can recognize and really hear the words and wisdom offered to me. This session the message was - go slow. Take the time to feel, hear, learn, grow and move forward. As always the tenderness, compassion and understanding that I receive from Ursula makes it possible for all my parts to be heard. She always holds the space.
I'm attaching her website again. If you are interested, and I highly recommend it in engaging in this process, Ursula is wonderful. www.ursulalentine.com/
This session was very deep and quite intimate. Now that Rebecca is on the other side of crisis-mode there are two things going on at the moment. One - there is a ton more energy to create with and use, it’s our human default to want to tear at things. I encouraged her to use this additional resource of Energy to continue growing and developing new parts of herself to express and create. It’s the best use of Energy that she doesn’t have to spend on the vacuum of anxiety that will suck a persons Life Force Energy right out of them. Now that she can monitor, adjust and maintain her anxiety levels, she has more Energy to spend on other areas of her life. The other thing that is going on at the moment is she is looking around and taking inventory of the damage that needs time and healing to repair. It’s just like when a family member has a diagnosis and everyone has to adjust to the condition that the person has. Now that she is better, everyone can readjust again to a more even playing field. There may be some deep seated resentment, anger, frustration that will need to be addressed, or gentleness to come in and sooth those feelings.
When a man has to watch his lady suffer, that’s the worst thing. They feel powerless, that they are failing at their job to provide and protect. They want to provide safety and peace - to protect from threatening things that could disturb safety and peace. Well, her husband couldn’t, there was no logical way he could have helped prevent this or make it better while it happened. One thing we can say for sure about this work, is what is logical - isn’t all there is. So seeing his sweetheart suffer and feeling helpless, I am sure has put him in his own tailspin. Now that Rebecca is better, he may feel like a soldier who is being told, “the battle is over, you can all go home now.” He may be wondering, how is he to be? Does she even want him anymore? What kind of a man is he anyway? He also may be going through some of his own issues.
No matter what, we need to keep taking great care of ourselves, then there is no one to blame. There will be no energy to spend on conversations that don’t go anywhere or stuck feelings that never get expressed. When we move away from these things, we can create a new way. Once we are in our new space, then the partner doesn’t have a playmate in the old paradigm. They will notice that a new person is in the house and get curious and want to come out and play too. Once both people are in a new possibility they can easily look back and see what wasn’t working. Einstein said something along these lines - we can’t solve a problem with the same consciousness of the problem. So, when we emotionally move away from the same old -same old, then we can create a whole new world for ourselves first and then the invitation is there for everyone else in the family to join in too.
Love Languages is a work by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages.” It’s very insightful. As Rebecca is becoming more aware of herself and able to participate in her relationships with more ability, she can use her new found super powers of clarity, kindness and compassion on herself and others. If you have ever had the opportunity to meet Rebecca, you would know these are her pure essence, she can’t help but be the biggest Sweetheart you ever met! Now that a bulk of the blocks have been dissolved, her natural qualities are even more powerful. The Love Languages will help her improve her relationship with herself, her Parts and her family members.
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I began this session talking about a project I would like to put together to help the homeless in Los Angeles. It's a very sad state of affairs to see people sleeping in the streets, living in tents, and in need of care and medical attention. It can also be scary because some of the energy out there is angry due to mental health issues. But I don't want to live in fear of the homeless population. Some of them are really trying to survive and want and need some help. But what can any of us do? So many of us voted for a tax increase to help but we still haven't seen changes. Again, what to do? Getting angry, resentful and anxious at the problem doesn't seem to help. So I decided to research how I can help. I got an idea to make t-shirts and then sell them - giving all the profits to charity. I'm not sure about all the requirements. I'm trying to do all of my research first so that I don't go into this unaware of costs and rules about this kind of thing. Now taking something like this on, feels good, but as I get into the research, I have some anxiety coming up. Ursula thought it was a great idea but agreed - go slow.
Hopefully I'll be able to pull it off - but she recommended opening myself up and allowing the process to unfold. What I felt as we discussed it further was I set my intention - and now I can proceed to take small steps to figure out either how to do this project - or find out different ways to help the homeless population.
I admitted to Ursula as I spoke about doing the project to her and others, I found myself getting frustrated. I want to do this! I don't want any advice! But yet....I do want some advice because I have never done this before. It's like I want people to listen to my idea and then give me the exact instructions for how to do it - exactly how I want to do it. Now, that feels like a young teenager excited but a bit inexperienced.
We then spoke about other issues that were coming up for me. Another was my frustrations with my mom. I'm so angry when I can't see or feel the real her when we talk to each other. I feel she hides behind people pleasing, low self esteem, and always wanting to fix everything.
Ursula reminded me everyone goes through their own process. She said keep reminding my mom to communicate with me. Tell her it is safe to be her with me. Tell her not only do I encourage her to be her true self - it would make me so happy to connect more with her true self. I want her to feel safe with me. Ursula said I might have to repeat and remind her many times so she hears it. But I also have to be aware she is doing the best she can do with her tools, her programming, her past and her spiritual process. So even though I'm angry and frustrated, maybe it would be better to start accepting I can't change her and release this need to keep trying to change her. I'm to work on myself.
Oooosh. Practice, practice.
Ursula felt and understood my feelings. I got scared having all of these feelings come up. The little girl in me felt scared Ursula would be mad and leave me if I admitted my feelings to her. Quite the opposite. She said I was brave for being so honest about my feelings. She also went on to clarify that she felt I'm on the right track changing my constant focus which is usually on myself - to helping others. She said this is great stuff. She just wanted to make sure that I knew to take the time to acknowledge that. Take it all slow.
We were ready to go in to my subconscious.
The image that came up was a gawky teenager. She was slumped over, awkward, pimply - feelings of sexual shame and being very uncomfortable with herself. She guided me to talk to this teenager and find out what she would like to reveal. She communicated right away. She was embarrassed. She felt frustrated when people touch her. She felt angry and sad.
I remembered a time in middle school when a P.E. teacher behaved inappropriately with me. He didn't molest me. But he made suggestive comments. I had trusted and liked him, and I felt he let me down. I got to stand with my gawky teenager and we declared he was wrong to do that. He was an adult. It wasn't right. I stood by my gawky teenage self with my arm around her (she let me touch her) and say I'm here now. It was time to release that anger, sadness, embarrassment and shame. She had every reason to stand tall now.
What's really interesting about the gawky teenager was that the image I was seeing felt like it was all about my feelings on the inside. Not the outside. On the outside I was spicy in middle school. But inside I was awkward. I didn't have guidance and support. I winged it. I still feel like that at times.
We got to release a lot of hurt feelings and let them go.
We finished the session with thanks and gratitude.
After the session, I had to lie down for a while. I had the dizzys. I'm so glad I know what it is now. So much energy gets stirred around. I stayed lying down for a while. When I got up, I was felt very hungry and lightheaded.
And from Ursula:
I love watching the progress of Rebecca and her parts. I can see she is able to see them, communicate and care for them so naturally now. She can speak for them instead of from them.
One of the most obvious signs that someone is on the Spiritual Path, is how they respond to others. Just because we are doing our work, and being diligent, doesn’t mean the path can be called Easy Street. Life still happens, family members still behave the same. The big difference is how we respond to events and situations. When we can have enough Self, we can contain our needs and wants, and we can satisfy our needs and wants. This way, expectations of others decreases. When they don’t respond to us the way we would prefer, we simply drop our preferences, notice their behavior and “seek to understand” as invited in the Prayer of St Francis. It’s easier to move closer to someone in curiosity than feel hurt or angry feelings that end up pushing our loved ones away from us.
Preference comes from our ego. Our Truest and best self doesn’t get caught in that trap of non attachment and no expectation is Easy Street. So if plans don’t go accordingly, we can simply switch gears, remain flexible and see what will happen next.
The tricky thing about this is that it looks and acts a lot like co-dependence. What is the difference? It’s a long and detailed explanation, so I will go with the bottom line version. The Spiritual version is Self contained and the Co-dependent version sacrifices.
When we do our work and can take care of ourselves emotionally, we can see people better. We can see where there are openings to connect with other people’s parts and enjoy each other. When they are not available, we can see the blocks. Then instead of feeling sad, we can chose to feel curious, contemplate, then ask, “I notice when I say.. you respond with silence, would you be willing to share with me what that’s about?”
Building trust with our own parts takes work, time and investment. When we are kind and gentle with ourselves, then we become kind and gentle with others. I am enjoying the softening that is happening between Rebecca and her mom.
Keeping in mind, we often inherit traits and ways of being. As Rebecca gets to know herself better, she will also be able to understand her mom and her son better - they are from the same lineage.
In the beginning of this session I just wanted to download and release some feelings. I had been feeling some "old worries, feelings, thoughts". Some of them I have learned can be stored in their own file of "life stuff". This is stuff that bothers a lot of people. Then there are the germ worries, the OCD thoughts, the fear of future thoughts. Those need to be filed as "anxiety stuff".
I spoke about using the "gavel" (a part that came up in a previous session). This gavel gets to smash and dismiss if I'm going off course. I spoke about my talking to the bully older brother part when he comes up. I told her I take him and the young sister on walks. I'm the calm mom that will pull them apart if arguing begins to stir things up inside my mind. They do respond well to my calm voice. I remind them we are all safe and I'm in control.
Ursula said she noticed my tone is much different now. As I speak of these different thoughts, emotions and feelings, she doesn't see me getting sucked into them as I was when I let anxiety direct and control me. Now, I look at each one, speaking and making decisions with my best self. Even the fact that I file them in sections/files- life or anxiety, she could see I'm looking at it all very differently. That made me feel good.
We spoke of the short sweet conversations I have been having with my husband.
Life stuff is real. I take time to practice loving self talk and ask my best self to come forward after listening to all the information. I'm a mom. I have responsibilities with my family.
I was ready to go in.
So I told her there is this part I've been feeling. I thought it was anxiety, but it doesn't feel anxious - but there is tightness. So Ursula said - let's begin there. The image that came up at first was the image of a long towel twisted. Then it changed again - a sort of twisted sculpture. It morphed into a contortionist. it wrapped up one way, then the other, bending and shifting into different positions. Some positions weren't comfortable. But the image and the feeling or message I received- was, well, shift again until you find a position that is comfortable. I felt it showed up recently. It wanted to tell me to be flexible - keep it loose. I will have different reactions, thoughts and feelings that will come up. I'm learning. I'm healing. I can shift positions. Yes, "life stuff" comes up. I felt as if it wanted me to trust myself. Look and feel from all angles. It's ok to feel. Just adjust your position for clarity and comfort.
The next image to come up was rather comical. It was a pair of those toy chattering teeth. Now why that? It just chattered and made a lot of noise. Sometimes funny, sometimes annoying. I felt the chatterbox showed up in my life when I was about 4 or 5. It is one of those toys that would be interesting to a young child. Funny - but also would be enough noise to annoy everyone. Ursula found this interesting. She said kids find the noisy toys to get attention. Kids want to feel in control. They can wind up the toys (gives them control) and the loud noise will get them attention from others. They want attention when their needs are not being met. It felt funny to me, because till this day, I do enjoy a fun wind up toy. But, I also feel, with this one, I want to be able to stop it. I don't need it to go on making loud noises all the time.
I felt as if the chattering teeth have been around since I was about 5 years old I couldn't remember an exact time for all these feelings - but I knew she felt sad when they showed up. She wanted to be heard. She felt selfish for annoying everyone. Ursula assured me with her calm loving voice - a 4 or 5 year is not selfish when wanting to be acknowledged, heard or loved. This is a young age. She wanted to release anger, sadness, disappointment - and I helped her do that. A funny thing. I asked her if there was anything else she would like to release - and she said gum. I laughed. Ursula laughed too. Gum? She wanted to be silly. She wanted to be playful. How sweet. She is happy I came back for her. I saw an image of her hands on my face and we were smiling at each other.
After that, the session really felt playful. I felt tingly all over. I do remember that tired feeling came up - and I told that part to relax. This work is good stuff. Nothing scary. Enjoying the playfulness feeling is so new to me. In the past, I felt if I'm too playful, the fun will stop. No. It won't. Playfulness is a great characteristic to nurture and bring out.
We closed the session, with thanks and taking time to look at all the wonderful sessions and all the amazing work we have done together so far. It is really beautiful.
After the session, I was so giddy - that I stood up too fast. Woosh! I got so dizzy. I immediately laid back down. Ursula reminded me all of this is good healing work - energy is being stirred up - some released - and new stuff coming through me. It makes sense that I would feel dizzy. After lying down for a little while, I slowly got up - again feeling tingly but now I had that really neat electrical feeling. I was looking forward to drinking some water and heading out for a walk.
I loved the chattering teeth part. Oh my goodness, I bet everyone woman can relate. We are so busy in our heads. Can you imagine, each part having a set of chattering teeth and all of them trying to get our attention at once! It would be a nightmare. Thankfully a large variety of parts will show up, each with their individual expressions, from personifications to objects. Sometimes just a smoky presence.
When we go into the subconscious, we are indeed altered. There are many states of awareness. We reach similar brainwave states as hypnosis, yet the way I do this, we are both there, in this wonderful space. It seems normal at the time, talking to all the different parts and interacting with emotions, talking with family and friends who have crossed over, having conversations with guides. When my clients are finished, I have them relax for a minute or two and slowly get up. Some personalities want to jump up and move on with their day, they often will fall back down on to the couch and say, "Oh I see why you said to just relax a minute." It goes to show that we really are altered.
Many people who live from their head feel empty. It's because their mind has done a great job at blocking out all the emotions. When they have had enough they come to see what is going on and we take the long journey back home into our hearts. It's only physically 18 inches or so, from our head to our heart, and emotionally 20 to 40 years or so. The last emotions that we typically run from are fear, anger and pain. Which makes perfect sense. We slide on the metal sewer drain cover and that's enough of that, for years to come. It works. Until we realize we are numb, stuck, unhappy, uninspired, old and unsatisfied. When we decide to face whatever it is blocking us, then we get to deal with the last thing we left behind. At this point, Rebecca has moved far enough through the rough stuff that she gets to meet these sweet parts. Back to her original way of being.
When we do this work we can be sillier, more playful and much lighter. It's been said that Jesus said, be like a child... Whosoever, therefore, shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
I believe we can create our own heaven on earth. It's a matter of perspective. When people ask me what is metaphysics, I explain. "A peaceful man lives in a peaceful world and an angry man lives in an angry world, yet they are neighbors, how can this be?"
Once again unveiling with Ursula leads to new growth, healing, and awareness.
This session was a bit different. It wasn't exactly about my parts (which are always there and included) - but I needed to release a lot of feelings, thoughts and emotions which had risen to the surface.
I needed to release feelings that even though I'm proud, excited, and very impressed with my healing and growth - I don't brag to others. I haven't shared too much with family and friends. I'm slowly beginning to, but I keep things on the down low. I feel hesitant to brag because I don't want people's expectations to get too high of me. I don't want to fall down. I feel I'll get punished if I brag. Once I release some of these thoughts - I realize - there is that bully again. There is that worrier. There is the shamer. But now, after the work with Ursula - I realize the parts need to vent a little. They need to share. However - they don't run the show. Rebecca, my true self - is driving, rowing, and steering my ship. I like that visual.
I spoke to her about disappointments I've had - and fears that still come up. She assures me these are all normal. She says having them was and is not the problem. It is how I listen and how I speak to my parts - bringing forth my best self each time so I can adjust, change, and move forward. That's the work I'm doing.
I shared the issues I am facing with my husband. I don't feel connected to him. I feel a bit of a distance between us. His tone and his stories appear to me to be...well..for lack of a better word...a downer.
And then there is the..deep breath here...because it has also come between us..the beard.
Oh the beard.
My husband grew a beard. Not just any beard. A ZZ top long straggly beard. At this point his mustache has grown over his lips. As my dad would say, EGAD! Me no likey at all!
I needed to get silly for a moment. But in all honesty, I'm angry and very much irritated that he won't go back to the handsome man with the goatee he was when we met and I feel looks much better on him. I have been managing my feelings for a couple years now. Yes! This is not just a month or two of irritation that has grown - but years. It's as if this beard is slowly changing him to a grumpier, older, sour, downer. I don't see a twinkle behind the beard. I see sadness and anger.
Another deep breath inserted. This is difficult to write. (Which is why humor is so important to coat my wires. Tenderness and loving self talk is required to coat my wires).
So Ursula and I, together, took a look at my husband.
Ursula feels it is very hard for men. They feel they need to be the protector and the provider. If they don't feel they are doing the job, they will feel worthless. Yes, my husband has been out of work for a few months. (But again - the beard! The beard has been around for years! Yes, that part is angry) Okay deep breath. I had to bring in tenderness and empathy to hear Ursula. She feels my husband may feel like a loser. He doesn't feel the urge to change his looks. It appears he feels down. The beard is him in a funky place. He may be feeling angry and a sense of unhappiness.
She reminds me it is okay to feel all my feelings. She says all my parts are in fact working for me. However, it is important to listen with a loving heart, sort through it all, don't react harshly and ask and bring forth my best self to listen to my parts and move forward to the solutions that will BEST serve ME (which in turn helps my family).
It does make sense. I can understand and feel that acting out with anger, frustration, irritation and just swinging mean words around is not in my best interest.
Ursula reminded me to look at the truth. If my husband is angry and possibly looking for a fight, well then emotionally swinging doesn't sound like the right move - for ME.
She recommended that I begin to reach out - slowly - calmly. She says he may be depressed. She says find a gentle tender approach. I could say something like, "I've noticed you have been sad and a bit snappy. I am worried about you." She said stay with empathy and kindness.
Well, I could hear her saying it and it made a lot of sense. But there were some parts yelling, "I'm mad at him! He won't shave the beard! I'm lonely. I want romance!"
Ursula, with a sound, logical and calm voice reminded me to look at my anger. Anger is a loose cannon. She recommends asking the part who can be like the calm lawyer to present the case. It appears my husband is feeling very inflexible right now. Thank the anger part for sharing, but showing aggressive anger with someone who appears aggressive isn't in our best interest right now. So she reminded me again - work with tenderness. Try speaking with him and say, "I am concerned. I care about your well being and feel worried you are in a dark place. I miss my husband. I want you to feel at peace and relaxed. Grumpy guy has you a bit buried behind that beard."
I was still trying to find some tenderness. My frustration and irritation were still clinging and speaking loudly.
So Ursula said - and this spoke to me. She said your husband was a sweet boy. He thought he had to bury the sweet boy to survive in a world that right now he perceives is awful and needs his anger and aggression. She says talk to his 5 year old self with my 5 year old self. Now, that image was beautiful and began to melt me and make me feel tenderness and compassion.
She said stay away from speaking to my husband with tones of guilt and shame. Use bonding tones and bonding words such as, "I see you aren't happy. I miss you. I see you going down a dark hole - like a dark cave - and I want my husband back. Can you find your way out of the cave? Can I help? I want you to be happy. Please come out. We can figure this out." She says keep it short and sweet. She said try not to ask him too many questions right now. The shorter, calmer, tender words will bring forth the sweeter results.
Ursula allowed all of my parts to speak and feel embraced. She reminded me I am getting more clear with who I am and that I'm moving forward on my path. She says this is my time to create my life. I have been a victim of controlling anxiety. I felt powerless. Now I am stronger, braver, more courageous and feel more power in being my true self. She says I have more clarity. I'm noticing things. I notice things I no longer need or want. I notice things I want, need and am moving towards a healthier and happier life on a daily basis. I am more present. I am creating healthier ways to live, be, think and it does feel good.
I am healing.
Ursula kept speaking words that went straight to my true self who drinks it up like beautiful clear loving healing water - soothing and healing. She says talk to yourself.
I am here.
I will be okay.
I am healing.
I will find a way to work through this with my husband.
I will find solutions for myself, my marriage, and my family.
I will find a way to freedom and peace.
I am moving towards strength and power.
She gently again gave me recommendations for speaking with my husband. "I want you to be fulfilled. I want you happy. We will work out a way."
Ursula reminded me I have choices. I also can make steps to heal regardless of where my husband is at. She said it is important to remind my son when he sees my husband dark, angry or pessimistic with life, tell him soothing words such as, "When daddy is negative, that is his version of reality. That isn't everyone's reality. Everyone has a version. Not everyone lives in a angry world. Lots of people live happy peaceful lives." She says remind him that he gets to decide what kind of world he wants to live in so that he can see he can make decisions to perceive the world as a magical beautiful safe and peaceful place. He doesn't have to see life as his father is right now. She did suggest to me it is important to surround ourselves with men who are calm and grounded. This reminds me of the session last time that I have been desiring to hang out with calm male energy. My son needs this too. It is very important to be balanced and exposed to people who are healing and more at peace.
Ursula was very nice and asked me if I would like to keep this session out of the blog. At first, I thought maybe I should. It is so personal about my marriage. But then I thought maybe this could help someone going through something similar. There is nothing in here that is insulting or mean. It is real, raw and if my husband should read this, I would hope he would see the desire to grow, heal and become more connected with each other to have a better relationship. For all of us. This benefits our family. My husband is a loving, caring and very intelligent person. He is going through a difficult time and it requires patience, love and...tenderness.
We closed the session with thanks.
Partnerships are difficult. We have so many expectation and projections, sometimes it's hard to find the truth between partnership.
As Rebecca grows into her better Self, she is causing her family to shift as well. When people aren't open or ready to the shift, they resist it and tension rises. That's why gentleness is key. We want to treat the family members respectfully while we are changing. It's rougher on them than we realize. The person healing is changing the family dynamics and cultural agreements. The change threatens the relationship in the ways that have existed for years and generations.
As you can see, Rebecca just wanted to fight and scream, like "What's the matter with you! Can't you see this is so obvious!!!" However, it's only obvious to her now, her husband is still in the old paradigm. I know it sounds codependent to speak to him in this way, but he's disempowered at this time. It's for us to have compassion until they can step up and be a responsible partner. Unfortunately, he's not able to show up as a strong partner right now, he doesn't know who she is and therefore it puts him off in his own identity as it relates to her. He's naturally confused and disempowered. If she settles into a rhythm and shows him consistency, he will begin to relax and see how he can participate in her life and satisfy her needs and then they can build a new life together.
Yes, the spiritual path is a long slow journey. Luckily, she's building skills and tools that are providing her with self-care and self-satisfaction. In this version, each other is not responsible for the other's happiness. We are responsible for our own happiness and well-being. Rebecca has her own sense of satisfaction and contribution to the world. When we become more comfortable, our behavior changes. Her son, husband and other family members will pick up on that and see the burden is off of them and they may want to play along in their own version. The tricky part is that this will stir up their own issues and their own parts and then the family has to deal with them too. Eventually, if everybody gets on board, they will be a happier family than they have ever thought they could be. When everyone in the house is self-empowered, safe to emote and share, then life becomes very beautiful and magical.
In self-awareness, we are also becoming aware of boundaries. Things that were so normally excepted before can now be revolting. And the key here is gentle, once again, we must be gentle with ourselves and with others. When we are angry and trying to set boundaries...well you can imagine, that's not going to go over very well. When you're dealing with an angry person and you're trying to set boundaries...that's another situation that will not be successful.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Bad habits were not created in 10 minutes either. Change is difficult and we have to be patient. There's a process going on, there are different elements going on, and it can get very confusing. Bottom line is there's no rush. Anything that is this difficult - apply love and compassion and keep moving in
the right direction.
I had a lot of feelings come up between the last session and this one. I'm healing but things are still shifting and moving forward to be healed. I'm feeling irritations when I would rather feel at peace. I feel impatient at times. I still get nervous and physical symptoms such as acid reflux have gotten stirred up.
I did mention to her that lately I've been desiring male energy. I find it calming.
Ursula says male energy can ground me. She says I'm girly and that I am a high feminine. She says I'm open to sharing and open to talking about my emotions and feelings. Men enjoy watching and being around a high feminine but at the same time they can become "caveman" like. It is nice when go from caveman and turn to their gentle side (become a gentleman). The male energy has a strong urge to help. This feels very grounding to a high feminine. High feminine women are goddesses. They feel and share. But they also must have boundaries.
I was struggling with one issue I am experiencing with my husband. I had a disagreement with a close friend. I spoke of this in a past session. She is very close to me, so arguing and feeling I had to take some distance to heal, was difficult - but in the end it worked out very well because when I was ready, I reached out and we healed the hurt. It was really beautiful. However, it feels as if my husband hasn't forgiven her. He doesn't really want to talk about her much. This hurts. (Actually since the session - just recently - before I wrote this blog entry he said her name in a nice way . I still talk about her and I think he realized I love her - whether or not he forgives - it was nice hearing him utter her name).
Ursula said my husband feels like he is the protector and might feel he failed in protecting me from the hurt I felt with my friend. I didn't ask for protection. However, this is the "caveman" urge.
I then spoke about my nerves on social media. I want to help and do what I can but I also have feelings that I don't want to engage at times.
Ursula said to listen to my parts who don't want to engage. She said it would be very useful for me to put together a social media policy for myself. It creates boundaries and protects.
She reminded me I am in maintenance mode. I'm not on high alert anymore, but it is important to protect myself. She says don't drop the ball. Keep an eye on my inner parts. Be curious. Be happy I don't have to work so hard and climb on rough terrain right now but to also go slow and steady.
It does make sense because I still hear anxiety. It's the voice of the little brother trying to scare the little sister. I talk to him like a strong, patient, loving but confident mom.
We were then ready to go into my subconscious.
The image to pop up was, as I called her, Fire Lady. She was beautiful and wore flowy orange clothes. She was clear in her reason for coming into my mind. She wanted me to take care of myself. She says, Ursula is right, you need a policy. Have a policy for yourself with everything and everyone. You know your parts better now.
Ursula said yes! Policies create boundaries, which create safety, which creates comfort, and playfulness. She said all the steps I'm making to communicate are wonderful. She says I'm speaking in clearer tones, with a direct approach. She said I have my big girl underwear on now. She says my focus should be: How do I communicate using my best self?
She says be careful when I fall into the co-dependent role - the role that says, "if you aren't happy, I'm not happy." She also said it isn't necessary to try and make others happy if I'm not happy. She says sort through my different parts and pick out the right one who can and will communicate to get my needs met. She says I have plenty now to choose from. She said to make sure I work on getting enough sleep. She can see my wires inside me. They have been repaired and there is a light coating on them now. It is important to strengthen this coating. She felt the acid reflux I am feeling is because I need to feel more alkaline. She says to begin with Alkaline thoughts. (I love myself) Alkaline feelings. Focus on Alkaline experiences. Hang with Alkaline people. People who are calming and peaceful.
She understood the frustrations I may feel when I pick up on other people's anger. She says as I change, yes, people may resent it. If they are in an old pattern, they want to repeat their process - it's the one they know. She compared it to a big sister who wants to spoil a present because she is jealous - or can't figure out a way to manage and understand her intense feelings.
She reminded me to keep my energy inside. Keep it safe. It is good. She says I can be me with the new changes. By my actions, if others want to join in, they will see it. She said it's like I'm getting healthy. I want to eat the peas. I feel great. I look great. Others see it. They say, I want that. You tell them, I'm eating peas. Would you like some?
She said sometimes others won't want to change. That's ok. She said you eat your peas. They may feel threatened or uncomfortable to change. Show them compassion. Show them patience. Keep my boundaries in place. She says have gentleness with my changes and others with their process.
Fire lady liked that. She said that's correct. She said she likes to talk to the different parts and trying new things.
I told Ursula I was not drinking coffee as much. Well at least taking a break. Ursula felt that was a good idea. Coffee has a way of jacking the energy up - too much talking and it separates the person from connecting with others. ( I will admit - I understand this and will watch my energy and coffee intake. But I still love coffee. But I am aware to watch it and drink in moderation - or take breaks as needed and drink more calming teas also)
Fire lady was clear she wanted to remind me to be gentle with myself.
Ursula asked me to ask Fire Lady what color would she like to be?
Fire lady said when I'm me, she smiles. She says she will turn to a buttercream color when I'm me.
Ursula said to allow my husband to be caveman right now. He is trying to stabilize as well. He watched me in hysterical mode for a while. Now he sees a calmer more confident me. He needs time to digest the change so he doesn't feel he has to be in protective mode all the time. She says allow him to do this and she feels he will change to gentleman. She says it is a beautiful thing to watch. She says continue with my process because I too am stabilizing. She says, allow the process to unfold. She made a beautiful prayer for me and my family.
We closed the session with gratitude.
After the session I felt electrical, a little anxious. I did take notes during the session. Fire lady didn't seem to mind at all. I decided to take a little walk after the session. I just wanted to feel Fire lady and allow all the beautiful things that came up in the session and Ursula's words to go through me. I wanted to connect with the trees and smell the smells of flowers. I wanted to just feel my presence. It felt good.
Ursula's feedback along with audio version:
So many points to talk about in this session. The main one is that there is no hurry on the Spiritual Path. It's endless. The destination is the step that you are taking right at this moment.
One of my favorite Osho Zen Tarot Cards called Moment to Moment is of a man stepping onto a stepping stone. He is in mid-air and the stones appear before him as he is making the step. Many times along the path we can't see the path in front of us, only the next step, sometimes not even the next step. So the point is, no rush.
I have seen people try and run the path as fast as they can. The path has a way of balance. If we go too fast it will give us a nice crash and have us sit still and recover for weeks and even months. If we go too slow it will create a little storm for us to get off our butts and move forward. It's very much the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. A steady pace is the best way. Taking breaks is an important part of the Spiritual Path, very opposite of the corporate climb for money and power.
Celebrating victories is also an important part of the journey, even the small ones. When Rebecca took her walk after the session to smell the flowers, that's taking a break and celebrating. Doing this for ourselves is nurturing, it fuels us, and gives us clarity so we can make great decisions and be kind.
The Way of Life will not change - death, births, taxes, aging, obstacles, change, authorities, challenges, misunderstandings, and the like will continue. The difference is, on the Spiritual Path, how we respond to them and deal with them will be different.
In this session I could see some wires. They were frayed and the coating was worn off. I can't imagine how the Anxious Part has been running so much energy that the coating wore off! So we put some coating on her nerves.
Making policies with ourselves is a gift. So funny, that many people who I work with are wild rebels. There are parts of me like that too. But these parts seem to get us in more trouble than they are worth. When we start creating self-care and boundaries, life all of a sudden becomes easier. Policies like going to bed before 11pm, having bottled water in the car, and not calling our family member after 5 pm when they start drinking. Asking for more information before we make a decision and stopping ourselves from talking before we say something we regret. These are examples of the policies I am talking about.
That big brother part is one that harasses our scaredy pants part. You know how those menacing brothers will play pranks and jump out from around the corner and scare the younger siblings, just for fun - so they say. Well, if you are the little one, it's torment! Until a parent or adult empowers the little one to see the predictability of the behavior and can start tracking and outsmarting that harassing part. With Anxious Part, she gets going because the system has another part that triggers her into action, like the big brother.
So many aspects, we can see why it's important to take our time and digest things as we go along this path. Enjoy the journey, it's endless. When we stop and smell the flowers, it becomes a very rich and rewarding journey. In the smelling of the flowers, we can also hear that small still voice inside, saying lovely things to us and teaching us powerful simple truths. Enjoy the ride.
oWe began the session talking about all of my feelings which had been rising to the surface since the last session. Feelings of "drama" and anxiety had been stirred. (Well they had been there - but since the last session my tracker was really aware and let me know when they were front and center).
I told Ursula there were things she had said to me during our last session that hadn't really sunk in until the following week after our session. I remembered her saying to me, be aware when drama comes up. And sure enough I became aware and attentive to it. I told her it is so amazing, after our sessions lately, I'm really starting to notice things, noticing my emotions and feelings stirring up and noticing information and tools she has been teaching me which have really begun to make sense and take effect inside me. I feel tingles and shifts taking place inside me.
I spoke about a strong resistance or anxiety towards people speaking with, and I use the term loosely "negative talk". I say this because I do feel people have a right to their feelings and thoughts. I understand they want to share, (so saying it is negative even makes me feel strange now). But basically, when I feel myself being pulled in that direction, I don't like it. I want to pull back into the light. I wasn't sure if that was avoidance. Ursula answered me clearly, no, this was not the case. She said I am now walking my spiritual path and this is what happens when we make a commitment to our true self. She said I don't have to spend any energy trying to change people. She said people are entitled to think and feel what they want. But I can stand up and say, "nope, I want the light. Let's stay in the light." She said, yes, people might get frustrated. She said, it has somehow become the "accepted thing" for people to speak in drama tones or complain. She said, most people feel they need to do this because if they are too happy, they feel, everyone will be irritated. So taking on this tone, they feel, protects them from being judged or people getting jealous.
Well, I admitted I do understand about that. I still have jealousy or weird awkward feelings which do come up when someone tells me all the experiences they are having, or all the accomplishments they have had. However, now that I'm aware, I do announce it though (I say I'm jealous) to close friends or family. I announce my humanness and it feels really good. Ursula really liked that I did that. She said most people won't admit it. It's hard for them to because they don't know they are doing it. I feel really good to do it because it releases some of its potency in me. Also, right after I admit it, I do realize, there is enough to go around. It's great someone is happy or excited, because I have stuff too that I'm happy and excited about as well.
I told her I'm excited about my healing. She encouraged me to go at my own pace. She said don't rush or push. She said why push yourself into something you may not be ready for? I said, thank you. That made me feel really good. I did tell her when the anxiety talks to me, I talk back to it. I'm loving and kind, but also firm. I say well, we are not doing that yet. Or, maybe I don't want to do that. Ursula said great. Great job.
I spoke about my anger with my mom and my husband. I feel guilty when I'm angry at them. So we spoke about releasing that because again, I'm human. I will still go through stuff. It's ok. I really try my best to do the repair work with my loved ones when I'm grouchy, angry, or rude. I want to be better at controlling and managing those emotions. (For the record, because they hear - anxiety, I say to you, I'm not trying to get rid of you - I just don't want you running the show). I don't like being snappy or grumpy.
I have learned so much so far and always feel so supported by Ursula. She guides me to embrace these parts, love these parts, and also give myself credit - I'm acknowledging I would like to work with these parts, so we can heal, grow and move forward.
She encouraged me to talk to my mom, reminding her that I would love to keep an open dialogue with her. It does make me feel more connected. Of course, I want this with my husband too. Wow, as I write this down, stuff from a previous session with Ursula is sparking in my brain. My husband and my mom are in their own heads. They may not be ready to do some of the work that I'm doing (honest raw communication ) and that's ok. I can do this with myself and my parts. Oooooh! So cool that came up as I was writing about this session for this blog.
I spoke about my uncomfortable feelings when people ask how I'm doing. For some reason, I feel like I just want people to look at my face, watch my actions and hear my words. I'm truthful. She said they don't know that. Or at least they may not be where I am. They are in their own heads. She said, they might just want to check in and be loving. So my response could be, "I'm working on myself. I'm moving forward and it feels good." Keep it simple. Give them something they can feel good about. I don't have to go into too much detail.
I also spoke about helping people. I get scared hearing sad stories, still. I'm very sensitive to it all. But...I do want to help. I do feel strong and good when I help others. I just know I have to protect myself and remind myself not to take it all on. But those "drama" feelings really come up at times like these. I'll look back and feel guilty if anxiety or drama came up, even though my reaction and response is calm, cool and collect (on the outside). Inside I'm talking to my parts. I was assured all normal. I was assured all of this is growth and healing taking place.
I was then ready to go into my sub conscious and speak with my drama part who I called Drama Girl. We took a moment to get centered and then asked "Drama Girl" to come forth and show me what she looks like with an image. I could see a girl on roller skates (those are my roller skates in the picture above) snapping her gum. She appeared to have a lot of high energy. I felt a little annoyed with her, but at the same time, it was clear she needed to talk. I was eager to meet and speak with her.
She stated she was angry and frustrated.
Ursula said anger is important. She said listen to anger, listen to what it wants to communicate, but then turn to logic and guide myself to walk towards a solution.
At that point, while I had Drama Girl in my head, I remembered something my mom said. She said when someone is angry (at the time she was referring to an angry boss) she said repeat back what they said to me, clearly and calmly. They will hear the words and either realize how they are talking to me, what they are saying and how they are speaking to me, or they need to take the time to clarify or correct, if I heard it incorrectly. I remembered using it at a job with a boss and it was a really great experience for me. I just remembered that as I was writing this blog. I had that feeling. I've got that tool! I need to use that. I also want to thank my mom for that. It made me happy to think of her so confident and remembering her teaching me.
I was very giddy - I felt it was the energy from Drama Girl. I usually don't take notes during a session, unless Ursula asks me too. But for some reason I didn't want to forget anything. But then I thought - I usually don't forget stuff. Why I am having this need to write everything down right now? I had so much energy running through me. Then I felt Drama Girl was upset because I wasn't paying attention. I had some guilt as I was taking notes. I felt like I should talk about that - and when it was revealed to me that Drama Girl didn't like it - because she felt I was distracted and no longer paying attention to her - I decided to stop taking notes.
Ursula guided me to remember a time - from my past - that really bothered Drama Girl. She was clearly feeling a lot of feelings. I was around 4. My mom dropped me off down the street with a neighbor to take my sister to school. I didn't like it. I feel like that is when Drama Girl showed up. I felt like everyone was labeling me. There's Becky. She is dramatic. I felt ignored and unheard. Just like Drama Girl felt when I was taking notes.
I also remembered a time when I found out my mom had told a lie. I was really angry. I felt like I trusted her and she lied. And the lie stuck with me and caused me fear. (Of course - my mom didn't do this on purpose. No one "makes" you feel a certain way. ) But it really hurt. I was upset. Ursula said it is really hard when you have trust in someone and they let you down. This does hurt. Clearly, Drama Girl, was holding on to a lot of this disappointment, pain, sadness and anger. I was guided to ask her to release this and ask her if she would like to come up with a creative way to express herself now. She said sing. She wanted to sing. She was buzzing around on skates. It was so nice. Ursula said, okay, lets watch her. She is playing. What else? How would she like to play? She wasn't sure. Ursula suggested maybe a dance. Oooh, she liked that. When things get uncomfortable with people or an experience, when I feel Drama Girl wants to pop out, I can do a little dance. It can be obvious or subtle. It can be a real dance or just in my head.
Drama girl really wanted to say how much she liked that Ursula stays calm and that she likes that I'm guided to embrace her and not make her go away. Ursula reassured Drama Girl and all the parts, no one has to go anywhere. They can all be heard. Again, that pop! Right now. As I'm writing, I'm thinking about Ursula who has been telling me from the beginning, all the parts are welcome, but me, Rebecca, my true self makes the decisions. Deep breath inserted here. I get that tingly feeling - a feeling of euphoria - it's excitement but also there is a little anxious feeling. So I say to anxiety right now, it's ok. You are allowed to enjoy the rush of awareness, growth and healing. We are all safe here together.
Drama Girl was reassured and felt more comfortable knowing she has a place and she was heard. We talked to her and said when there is that "oooooh I feel dramatic" feeling getting stirred - we can listen to her - then we will take a deep breath - look at the facts and use logic to move forward. Just like I did recently when helping someone I care very much for who was struggling with something. I stayed calm. I stayed on path. I got to help. I was thanked. I felt good that I had helped.
I was guided to release these intense feelings - anger, disappointment, pain, sadness. Drama Girl was swirling in a fast circle on her skates and released them with me.
Drama Girl felt really good to express herself. We thanked her for showing up. I told her I'm proud of her. I told her I'm glad we got to talk and that she's somebody who will be fun to work with from now on. She brought up some truths for me.
(Woosh - I felt some pressure in my chest as I wrote all this down. Which is okay. Drama Girl it's ok. I am just writing about the session. I love you. Remember we are ok. You are safe. Even when the feelings come up - you and are will work together. I just got up and did a little dance.
I feel very aware - when I feel the truth is not being spoken - or communication between me and someone else is blocked because they won't talk to me - or when I'm feeling I'm pushing myself too hard - Drama Girl will come out. So.....(I just hugged myself and rubbed my back) - we will love each other really tight and work through it with logic and the facts. (Drama girl put the thumbs up on that one)
We ended our session with thanks. Wow! Really cool session.
And Ursula wrote:
As we do our work and start creating more space inside of us there's a different arrangement that happens within our parts. For instance, if an inner bully was running the show before, making us feel bad about ourselves and then we calm down the bully, then the other parts can relax.
But then when everybody starts relaxing and actually enjoying themselves other parts might start feeling nervous, because they're used to somebody mean running the show.
In Rebecca's case, she didn't have a bully but she has an anxious part that was now being replaced by a drama part.
Anxious Parts have been able to calm down. She's healed quite a bit. So drama girl thinks she should stir some things up because Rebecca's system is used to a certain amount of chaos.
And this process will cycle through until the system gains more and more trust for her true self.
I'm always saying that trust is earned. When we meet new people or we join a new group, we learn to trust through experiences and time.
It's the same way on our inward journey.
Trust is also earned by facing challenges, having uncomfortable conversations. We observe what is said and we watch the behavior.
People who are trustworthy have a tendency to believe that everybody else is trustworthy just like them. And that's when we tend to get stomped on. So people who are innocent, like Rebecca, have to actually work at not being so trusting and letting trust be earned little by little. Yes, even in the internal world.
We've worked on anxiety and now Rebecca has a strong relationship with anxiety. She is able to speak with it directly and manage anxiety levels, understand what triggers the anxious parts, and walk through the challenges that are happening.
Things were calm for a while and I knew somebody was going to poke their head up to challenge the calmness. Sure enough in walks drama girl, much more mild than Anxiety. Drama girl is very human. Our social structure makes it easy to connect and communicate to the lowest common denominator. Watch when people gather - what they speak about. It's usually complaining about authorities, picking on somebody who's bright and shiny or an easy target. When people agree on something they feel connected to each other. And it's our human nature to agree on negative things. We have a tendency to all carry fear. We don't say, "Good afternoon, my name is Ursula and I'm afraid, how are you?"
That would actually be pretty funny.
But behind every negative comment is a discomfort, if you kept digging down and asked why, it would be some underlying fear.
But instead of exploring all of that we just agree, because fitting in is very important to us.
When we fight so hard to conquer our demons and our dragons we want to protect that beautiful space that we are creating inside. We want to be gentle and kind all the time. We want to be around people who are gentle and kind. We want the people who we love to feel safe inside like we're feeling.
We enjoy the freedom and we want to share that.
That's sort of the rub on becoming a more awake and aware person;
Our family relationships. They see us doing sessions and being more introverted and thoughtful and taking time to process and communicate. We are changing our behavior. Most of the time when people start going to the gym or wearing their hair differently, it's just a matter of time where they'll revert back into their normal behavior. So when family members see us starting to change our ways they're sitting back, saying to themselves, "uh hah, let's see how long this will last."
But when we're consistent and we're softening or setting better boundaries, they become uncomfortable. So now it's not challenging enough to be on point with ourselves we're noticeably causing discomfort in our household and in our close relationships.
Of course we're excited and we want everybody else to feel as happy and empowered as we do, so we get on the rah rah cheerleader team and want everyone else around us to change too. Which then ends up being annoying to them. Eventually we calm down and just work on ourselves and work on accepting others as they are. Slowly, slowly they will begin to adjust. And as we are building trust within our own selves, we're also earning trust of being our new way with those around us.
The spiritual path sounds so lovely sometimes, but you see there's plenty of work. It takes diligence and consistency and a ton of patience. I would say the most prevalent condition of the spiritual path is to be kind, kind to yourself and kind to others around you as you change. This is a true sign of the spiritual path Traveler.
I began this session excited to tell Ursula I was ready to wean off the medication now. I was feeling very confident about my decision. I spoke with the psychiatrist and he was fine. But when I spoke with my acupuncturist, she actually was more resistant to the idea. But I was proud of myself, because I took the time to explain my confidence, how I felt, and in the end my acupuncturist got it, understood, and actually ended up seeing my point. It feels really good to be a place of strength.
Yes, the doubts came up. But I also felt good about my decisions. Ursula was really proud of me. She felt my strength. I also told her about an experience at the dentist. My OCD feelings came up, but I was honest with the technician, and he ended up helping me to feel safer and more comfortable. Again, Ursula was so proud of me. She said I was hitting homeruns. Hearing her say that made me feel so good.
I told her when I begin to feel more confident, the panicky parts start to get a little louder. She said it is okay to back off a little and sort through the parts when the panicky parts want to talk. It is okay to breathe and go slowly so I can talk to all the parts and keep walking my path, be my true self, who is healing and growing stronger.
We spoke of my strong feelings about my husband. I have been very frustrated that he won't shave off his long beard. I just don't like it. I feel guilty that I don't like it. He says he still the same man. But I am not attracted to the beard, at all.
Ursula felt there is a possibility that the beard is a mask my husband feels he needs right now. He clearly doesn't want to shave because I asked him to, so it is time to back off, and stop asking. She reassured me it is okay to have these feelings and not feel attracted. I can't deny my feelings.
Again, the theme here is let all the parts communicate and feel what they feel, but don't fall into drama or anxiety and allow those two parts to run the show. Ursula said, anxiety should be allowed to speak, but just not control everything.
I shared this tingling I get in my stomach. It is interesting because it feels like there is confusion about this new confidence I feel. I can feel anxious and confident at the same time.
We went into my parts.
Ursula guided me to see the confidence is the real me. The confusion is a feeling that I remember getting when a teacher would say something that I didn't agree with. But he/she would say things with such confidence and with a stern voice. But I would sit there confused by my feelings that I didn't agree with what was being said. I still go through that now.
She reminded me I have a voice now. I can stand up for myself. Look what I have been doing. Yes, there may be anxiety or OCD that comes up, but the cool part is I allow them to be heard and then I make confident decisions to move forward.
It is interesting to me that my anxiety shifted from being in my chest to being in my stomach. I have tinglies a lot. I have them before a walk or a drive. I may have it when I'm walking with my son. Sometimes I have it when I go for a drive with our little dog. She said allow it to come up, embrace it, and then talk to it with love and kindness.
It feels like I'm on a roller coaster. I feel like I'm swirling. Or actually I feel euphoric feelings rise to the surface as well. When I listen music and emotions and feelings come up - it feels like that when I ride the waves of all my emotions - talking to all my parts.
Ursula reminded me to embrace it all.
We ended our session with thanks.
That feeling of tingling is when a block is removed and energy starts flowing again. As a metaphysician, I see things in the context of energy. We are a unit of energy, swirling around. Each organ and system, each cell, everything in constant flow, similar to the blood flow. When we have punched-in-the-gut feeling, weight-of-the-world on our shoulders, or when you see people slumped over in despair, that's all our energy. We wear our emotional states of being inside our bodies. It's a record of our life. Just like our reactions to life, our points of view, our fears and insecurities come from the accumulation of our life experience, our body is the record keeper of these meaningful events, the good bad and ugly. So when a block is emotionally removed, the body detects it and now a flood of energy can come rushing through. It's so fun!
This issue about knowing something is one way and having others tell us it's not is a huge issue. I wish I could go up to every three year old and say, "Listen to your own gut, your own intuition, your own clarity. Just because these people are bigger than you, doesn't mean they have it all right." I strongly believe that when we are born, we are coming from a heavenly state, one of true connection with the allness of the universe. Then we sort of forget where we just were and have a curiosity about who are we and how did we get here. Who are these people and what games are we to play now. But when situations present themselves that have us drawing a conclusion that we are less than, unworthy, not loveable or unimportant, well that's the sadness that puts a big damper on what could be a joyful playful life. When I see a happy kid, I want to kiss and hug the parents. When we have that feeling of knowing what is True, yet being convinced that it is not, we get very confused and eventually turn on ourselves. We push what we think and feel aside, for years on end. We can eventually reverse this, by doing our spiritual path work, this subconscious work, take a year off and travel, do service work, deal with a sickness or disease, there are so many ways of remembering what we were made to forget.
Ursula always sets up a wonderful energy around us before each session which I feel really helps me relax on this journey.
During this session I really felt how important that step is because when I'm seeing these parts in pain or distress - having that beautiful calming step in the beginning helps me also feel kindness and love towards them when facing these dark parts. I have been a little angry or afraid with the dark parts - but slowly with practice I am now feeling intrigue and compassion for them.
At first we spoke of the anxiety that has been still coming and rising to the surface either when I'm feeling good, or of course when I'm stretching myself a little bit.
Ursula reassured me this is very normal. She praised me for all the hard work I'm doing - again - reminding me this is hard work. She said of course the bully parts (the bully older brother) wants to try harder to scare little Rebecca. He has been using his tactics for so long - and now they aren't working all the time. He figures he needs to kick up his game. But she noticed I'm getting better at talking back to him.
She was impressed how she noticed I'm using my "tracker" part who can watch the "meanies" and the dark voices. She says know I'm listening more to Rebecca - my true self. She noticed I'm able to sift through it a little better. Progress - even small baby steps - is progress.
I talked about my fears about getting better. What does this mean? What expectations will others have of me? What expectations do I have? There is so much work ahead. When I look at it like that the small steps lose their value.
She reminded me growth is growth. I don't have to push myself. She said actually pushing yourself too hard causes resistance. Nice and easy. She said let it flow. Pull back when you need to. She said to pull back just to see how far I've come. She said it's important to let anxiety know we are safe, we are working slowly, and we are working all together.
She wants me to take that precious time to acknowledge all the hard work I'm doing. Enjoy going for a small walk. Enjoy going for a little longer walk. Stepping outside. Getting up. Reminding myself to take a deep breath. I'm trying to take the time to give myself credit for doing the self healing work.
I began to get really tingly during and after the session. But really tingly when I started writing notes about the session. Ursula said that's a good sign the energy inside me is moving around. I like that image.
Two parts showed up during this session.
A blues singer with black hair. She had a dark brooding side - with a passionate wounded heart. ( I thought of Amy Whinehouse.) This part showing herself liked to hide in dark bars, felt so much pain, and she wanted to mask it any way she could. She knew she had an addiction to anxiety and numbing the pain. It was interesting too that she came up - because Ursula talked to me about some parts (anxiety and drama) being like addicts. They only know pain. They want to hide from the pain. They can't stop attracting themselves to the pain. But their wounded kind hearts really don't want the pain any longer - but they have become addicted to it - as a way of life. These parts were getting a high from feeling anxiety. It isn't a happy high. But they freeze up and the fear that runs through their body, like a drug. It gets in there and does its thing. But this part, she liked to sing her pain out. She just didn't want to be in this dark bar feeling so sad all the time. She wanted to accept her pain, move past it, and do something more positive with it. She felt embarrassed because she feels like everyone is looking at her and that makes her sad.
Another part - a sad part as well - came in the image of a more snobby and put together woman. She was drinking mint juleps. She was Southern. She looked down on the blues singer. She felt she was flawed but no one had to know, at least she could hide it. She had her drinks. She could keep her shame and disappointment from others. She didn't like how exposed and dirty the blues singer looked. This made the blues singer felt her and it hurt her feelings.
Ursula said we should invite them to talk to each other - with kind voices. I said, yes. It felt like they had so much in common and I felt once they talked they could be friends and support each other. I could feel them agreeing with me.
Ursula suggested we upgrade the bar the blues singer was in and the mint julip lady was happy. So was the blues singer. Ursula said she could feel the dingy bar with sticky floors and drug addicts. She felt the blues singer didn't need to be in that environment any more. So I conjured up a beautiful bar, with dark beautiful wood - very clean and classy. Both of them were very happy with the results. They didn't have to feel guilty about their feelings. They didn't have to hide. They could talk and relate. They deserved a clean nice place and a new friendship with each other.
Look at that! These two characters living in my subconscious and they figured out being human - having and experiencing sadness, anxiety and pain is nothing to feel ashamed about - but support and love was necessary to move on.
We talked about how shamed I have felt and how frozen I've felt that I created these dark parts and the dark world of anxiety. I've felt this has been my punishment. I don't know what I exactly did that I would deserve all this punishment. It appears my mistakes, errors, and misjudgments have been human. I've tried to repair them as much as possible. But still I have this struggle to forgive myself and love and like myself with all of this going on.
During the session when emotions come fast and strong I felt myself becoming sleepy. I almost fall asleep. I'm very aware that this is a part of me that gets intimidated by the work. I will tell Ursula so she knows we need to remind that part - it's safe to discuss this stuff. We are going slow and with love.
We slowly asked the blues singer and the mint julep lady to release their wounded feelings. All the sadness, shame, angry, jealousy, etc - could now be released so we could all heal together. We took the time to tell them yes it will take time to recover. It's ok. But now we are working together with more love, tolerance and compassion and according to Ursula we can face that all of this pain might be some kind release for pain that has been carried in my family for generations. She felt I'm here to feel all of these feelings and face it through all of these parts.
It was wonderful because Ursula spoke to them about bringing out their creativity to heal. I love that word. It's such an inspiring uplifting word because so much can happen when you begin to create a way to heal through words, art, and communication.
Lately I've been wrapping my arms around myself when I begin to feel overwhelmed. This is new for me. I've been suggesting to friends to try this too. When I begin to spiral or become really anxious I just sort of either hug myself or give myself a light rub on the arms and say, "It's ok. What can I do? It's ok. It's ok to feel."
It really was an awesome session. I really got tingly. I got even more tingly as I began to write about the session. My energy was bouncing throughout my body, mind and spirit.
I felt two women inside of me - from two different lifestyles and invited them to come together to heal and relate. I would love to see more of this in the world. I realize we are all unique and different at times. But we all do have a common core mission (I feel) and that is to connect and relate with each other, right? I mean, why not? I guess you can spend time comparing and judging each other. I've done plenty of that. Or.....(and I'm doing more of this) you can find things you like about each other. Things that inspire you. Things that maybe you wouldn't do but you can honor and compliment someone else for doing them. The real deal - is doing that for yourself first. I really believe this is necessary. It is the running theme in my book Mental Girl. I needed the reminder. Love yourself. Spend time liking yourself. And then - you have this practice inside of you and you can do it for others. In this case, these two different intense sensitive women - who had something in common - now became friends. I saw them holding hands, laughing and hanging in this beautiful classy bar. We talked them into being together instead of being mean to each other.
As we do this work I feel Ursula and I hand in hand. We are working through this process as a team and she tells me she benefits just as much as I do.
I'm so thankful for these sessions and Ursula's amazing ability and talent to guide me through every step of this healing work.
This was one of my favorite sessions. It was like watching a whole movie. These two characters in the bar were very detailed and personalized. I could clearly see what their attitude about life was and how they got there. I don't blame them at all. I really don't blame most people for their behavior. I know, all too well, emotions drive behavior. Emotions are created based on experiences. That's also where most of our beliefs come from. We are either taught that life is such and such or we come to our own conclusion.
That's why it's so important to talk with children and ask them what they think or feel about situations. Most of our internal set up comes from before age 9. It's amazing. I am a youth minister. I like teaching children about spirituality and making good choices in their life. Here I am working with inner children, helping them heal old ideas.
Speaking of old ideas. Why would Rebecca have a couple of drinkers in her system?! More and more scientific studies are proving that trauma get imbedded in our DNA and get handed down for generations. Doesn't it make sense that guilt, shame, and secrets would also be stuck in there? Those secrets, they can brutal, because what I have seen happen is it skips a generation, like blue eyes, grandparents to grandchildren. So if grandpa was a cheater, then son or daughter is having a happy normal life and all of a sudden their children are sneakers and off they go ruining everything.
I love my work. These sessions are so helpful, it's the best use of my life, what we can do in one hour is incredible. Lifetimes of garbage can get cleaned up, people can breath again, and future generations won't have to suffer from these things. I do a considerable amount of prayer and meditation. It keeps my human parts out of the work and let's energy flow through me. I am super blessed that I can serve in this manner.
I love this phrase. Ursula reminded me during one's healing we are doing a lot of work. But even after some healing is done, it is still important to stay with the basics.
Do the work which embraces who you are, embraces and enhances my true self, and also embraces my healing in all its forms.
Chop Wood, Carry Water is about a monk who reaches enlightenment, after doing daily work of chopping wood and carrying water up a hill each day. After reaching enlightenment he wants to know what is next. His guides or advisors, say "Chop Wood, Carry Water." Every day.
I am making a lot of changes, healing, and moving forward. While making these changes, healing and moving forward I am also desiring to practice healthier habits for me and my family. I am asking my son to change some habits which I feel will improve his life as well as mine. It feels as if he and my husband are resisting. This is frustrating to me. I feel angry at times. Ursula guided me to talk to my parts, encouraging myself, not to get into too much drama about this, but to realize just because I am changing - that doesn't mean everyone in my life is just going to jump on my bandwagon and make the changes - even if it will improve their lives. They might show some resistance. They also might realize, hey, she has a point, and make the changes themselves, but slowly.
She reminded me not everyone in my family has the tools yet that I am learning and they may not even see a reason to change their habits. I was honest that frustration and irritation do rise up inside me. Ursula gently guided me to keep in mind if I calm the frustrated and irritated parts and come from logic there may be a way to communicate my reasons and experiences with them. My calm and peaceful attitude, will guide me to share and communicate in in a way that will either help them understand and also soothe me with the knowledge and realization they need to figure things out in their own time as I am doing .
This requires a lot of patience on my part. A lot.
She suggested not to poke or prod. Be direct. Be honest. But also speak with compassion, patience and love to my family and myself.
We went in to do some internal work and see which parts came forth.
The first part came in the image of a beautiful, fierce, and strong woman. Her hair was all pulled up, her shoulders back, and she had a lot of confidence. She wanted to tell it like it is. She wanted to push back a little. Ursula said she is awesome but she needs to be reminded that when you push and yell at people, you may get a response that will not work in your best interest. She said, when you yell and get too sassy, it may send the mood into a intense place. Basically, she said, don't poke the beast.
The next part who showed up was a scared little girl. Ursula said she needs to be protected. Yes, the fierce strong woman said she would protect her. I was guided to tell her she can speak her mind to me but to be careful how she speaks to others because it is scaring the little girl part in me who doesn't want to poke a beast and have things get worse. Ursula asked me to ask the fierce strong woman if she understood. She said yes and said she would protect the little girl and practice being careful with her words. The scared little girl part got to be heard and understood. The fierce strong woman, still with her shoulders back and feeling even more confident, now has a great job to do.
An anxious part showed up as well. I can't remember if it came in an image. But it was clear that it didn't need to worry. We have this taken care of - there was no need for anxiety to start stirring the pot.
Ursula guided me to release some strong emotions of anger, sadness, fear of the unknown (these were stuck in my chest and I could feel them) .
A lot of great stuff come up today.
We closed the session with thanks and gratitude.
It was a lovely and very empowering session.
The section of our session with the strong fierce lady and little girl is a very common occurrence in our systems. We have a hurt part of us, and then another part of us who wants to protect that hurt part. The protector continues to protect but doesn't realize it comes with a price. We do this, and we do this for years.
Who hasn't been hurt?
What do we do with those hurt parts of us? What are you, the reader or listener doing yourself? Typically we stuff it down, through eating, denying, avoiding, or we go into defender mode, through, perfectionism, defensiveness, blame and anger.
Guess what though, the hurt part stays buried for years to come. We end up as adults with these patterns and we don't even know why we are behaving this way to begin with.
It's to eventually be fed up enough with ourselves that we say, "Okay, I need some help here, what I am doing is NOT working."
Look around at the results of your life and see if that's what you want. If not, the path is waiting for us. Every step of the way. It's as if we decided to go trekking around in the woods and go off the path and wonder why it's so hard to get anywhere. The right way, the way that has been proven and provided for us, is right there, a few yards away.
We suffer and wonder what's the matter. The answers are inside of us. We can get the protectors inside to back down and stop making matters worse rather then better, we can tap her out, take her off the losing battle post and give her a break, then go to what really is the matter. That we have been hurt. That no one has bothered to comfort us and help us. That we haven't had the awareness to do that for ourselves all these years of our lives. When we can put our weapons down and look into our hurt hearts and say, "ahhh, so sorry." All that commotion can calm down. We can stop being aggressive towards ourselves and others. Inner peace may be experienced for the first time in this regard.
We began the session getting right into all the feelings I was dealing with at the present time. Ursula and I have this fabulous rhythm with our sessions. I was having a lot of anxiety. It was rising to the surface right away. As she does so gently and confidently, she holds the space and guides me through my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I recently had an appointment with a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADD and prescribed Adderall. My goal is looking for answers and solutions. I'm weaving my way through this maze in mind. I was open to his diagnosis but I believe now, after looking back, I jumped at the meds and his diagnosis a little too quickly. But I had hope this could help me.
Two days into the meds and my heart was racing, I wasn't feeling like I was sleeping well, I was way to jittery (I'm already jittery!) and then I read the side effects. The side effects of the meds scared me.
One of the side effects is loss of appetite. I'm already so thin, so this is not something that could work for me. I was very anxious on Sunday. I called the docs office. He had left a number on his machine to call if it felt urgent. Well, I didn't want to get off the meds without his supervision. I also didn't want another day of feeling more jittery and nervous. So I called. He was curt. He told me fine, get off them, said sorry the meds didn't work for me, and the call was ended. I was embarrassed and sad.
I shared my embarrassment and shame with Ursula. She was great. She guided me through all of my emotions. She was very clear to remember we can't guess what other's are thinking. And why go to a scenario that's bad? She had me walk through a scene that maybe the doc wasn't mad, but he just needed to end the call. I couldn't know for sure what his he was going through on a Sunday morning. She said to call him back during the week and discuss if there were other options. (I did and we are now trying a new approach with different meds. He also was very nice to me - actually didn't even say anything about ending the call abruptly). She assured me with her confident voice I did nothing wrong, that I took care of myself as I should. She felt it was a good thing that I called. Plus, I got the answer I needed. Get off the meds ASAP.
We continued to explore more of my emotions that began swirling around in my mind. She asked me if I thought I was a good person. Wow, that simple question, which I wish could be a loud confident YES, brought up so many feelings. More thoughts and emotions came flooding out. No, I told her, I am not sure I'm a good person. I'm scared. I have crazy thoughts. I get angry. I'm jealous. I'm frustrated. I have all this anxiety that I can't seem to shake. I want to be a better person. I want to be a calmer person.
As I allowed the thoughts and feelings to flood out - Ursula calmly and sternly began to talk back to the mean voices inside me, who tell me I'm not a good person. She told them and me everything I was telling her was evidence and proof I am a human being having human thoughts and emotions. Wow!
After I settled down a little with my emotions - we began the work of pulling out the parts of the meanies. Hello there! She guided me to ask them, "Why do you pick on Rebecca so much?" They were clear. “She lets us.” I loved hearing Ursula say, "Aha." We spoke to the meanies.
She felt they were created by me as a protection, but they are working a little too hard now, and have become mean to me. They pick on everything I do. They scare me. Ursula described them as if they were an older brother who wants to scare his little sister with a Boo and jump out from behind the door! He likes to scare her all the time. Look out! That's scary! Well every time it works, the little girl goes running, and the bully brother gets a thrill.
She said, let's begin the process of talking back to those meanie parts. Tell them, NO! You can't run the show anymore. I'm healing!
We slowly went back and forth trying to get more information from the meanies and about the meanies. Wow, they really do scare me. She guided me to ask one of the meanies if he (funny he would be a he) would like to be a protector, but instead of using mean hurtful words, he could use kindness to protect the little girl inside of me. He could help me, older Rebecca, be watchful when these voices come up and tell them to go away. He said yes. Cool.
She guided me to come up with an image. I saw a gavel. Like a judge would have. She said great. When the mean voices come up, tell them "Dismiss! Nope! Out!"
We spoke to the little girl (young Rebecca). Wow, she certainly has held a lot of shame. I was guided to let her release that shame. I was guided to remind her as a little girl we make mistakes. These are human mistakes. Mistakes help us learn and grow. There is no shame in learning from our mistakes. I was guided to tuck that little girl into my heart and protect her now. She gave me such a beautiful image of the young me protected now and nurtured along with the all the other parts. She gave me an image of all the little girl parts (all different ages of Rebecca) having a slumber party, tucked into sweet bunk beds.
We spoke of me and my feelings about being a parent now. I always hope I'm clear and present as a parent. We spoke of making sure I allow my son to release his feelings. It's important for him to express himself. I try to make sure he knows when mommy is anxious, it's okay, it's not about him, and I'm working through it. He doesn't have to solve it. He isn't the cause. It's something I've had for a long time and I'm working through it.
Ursula reminded to be kind to myself as well. Going through these challenges and working through the anxiety is hard. If I take the time to love myself, more love will pour over into my son and help me to be a even better parent. I'll be able to give more to my family, friends and those in need.
I tell my son all the time how loved and wonderful he is and I pray I can always become a better parent. The goal is always to model my behavior that I'm learning and practicing self love and self care. My son will see that, and he will mirror that inner confidence and self love too for himself. What a great way to teach your children - through your ability to practice self love and self care. It shows them, it is ok to have all these "human" emotions and feelings. It is ok to be human. It shows pure love in action. There is enough love for everyone.
Strong emotions came up with both my light and dark parts. A part that sounded sad and weeping came up and I spoke up about with Ursula. There was a part that gets scared it will give up. A terrified part that is afraid the dark gets so dark and it all becomes really scary. The scared parts inside me feels I'm a failure.
When that part came up - Ursula took extra time to speak to that part. She said to protect, love and nurture that scared part. She guided me to make sure that part feels safe with the Sweeties.
She guided me to come up with a light image. I saw myself walking on the beach, feeling the warm sand on my toes and the warm light from the sunshine. It was a beautiful relaxing image.
Wow. A lot of work with the meanies came up in this session. It brings up a lot of emotions for me knowing they are in there, knowing I've had them inside for so long, and also all the work ahead working on either letting them go, or this new approach, convince and teach them to protect with me with kindness – like the one we convinced in this session).
I know talking back to them is going to take time and patience. I tell myself to keep trying and trying and trying again. I have a lot of support. I have support inside and outside.
Ursula kept telling me what a good person I am. She said I care and I deserve kindness. Her words felt so good.
Now I need to keep telling myself these beautiful kind words.
We closed the session with thanks.
With audio: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/22-Mar-18-Mental-Girl-e1jubm/a-a2umsg
It is very obvious when we are going through stuff, that we naturally project our experience on everyone around us. That is the situation when we are an Empath, meaning we feel other people's feelings, we feel the pulse of the season, the nation, current events, etc. So when things are swimming around in our internal universe it seems to be playing out in the external environment too.
It's very confusing being an Empath. We feel the world around us and therefore think the world around us is also feeling what we feel. Slowing down and checking in is key when we are feeling upset. Where is the upset coming from? Is it mine? Is it someone else's? The only way to know is to ask, because our mind will create other people's reality all the time. Why wouldn't it? It is creating our own reality all the time!
When people think they are a bad person, it's because they have gathered evidence at a very early age and have concluded that it must be true. However, giving a three year old the power to discern what is true based on how others are treating us is where the whole issue starts. I personally believe that when we are babies, we have a sense that we are living in a beautiful magical world, until the S... starts hitting the fan. It's very disturbing to see that people are unkind and so out of tune that they are hurtful and selfish.
As wee ones, we take things personally, just like Empaths do, because when we are very tiny, we DO feel so connected to everyone. We feel that everyone is an extension of us. When people treat us poorly, we simply conclude, it must be me, since we are the center of our personal universe and they are in our universe. So then we conclude, I am bad, that's why they treat me this way. I am not worth the time or attention, so I am less than. I am not important. I am small, I have no value to offer. Over time and experiences those ideas become reinforced and we draw the conclusion that it must be so.
That's sad enough as it is, the worst part is that we LIVE FROM there. All based on a misunderstanding. Lack of proper communication. Actions speak way louder than words in a child's reality. This work is SO powerful, we get to claim back our authentic Selves when we remove enough of the misunderstandings. The hand-me-down inherited concepts of our family legacies.
I'm really in the thick of it right now. At times, I feel the hopeful side of me, other times, because the daily panic attacks that start my day come like clockwork – I get such an overwhelming exhausted, gloom and doom feeling that I'm not healing.
Of course, with Ursula, letting all of this out – I feel safe and nurtured immediately. Yes, my panic side will say, “she is going to be done with you soon. You aren't doing the work!” But no. She says quite the opposite. She says not only am I doing the work, but it seems normal, as I face these fears – they get louder.
There is a mental dance here; this work we do. I just begin to talk and she seems to know what I need.
Ursula went right to work. She wanted all these mean parts to come forth. She asked me to write them down.
There was Fearful. Fearful says, “You will be alone. Future is bleak for you.” He knocks and knocks and wants to talk.
Doom: Hangs with fear. Oh boy. They get the ball rolling. Doom says, “You're stuck with this. You can't get out.” Isn't that fun!
PAIN: Oh pain hurts. But it too doesn't say nice things. It says “You're weak. You can't fight this.”
Then comes PANIC: “You can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do it. I'm too scared. How am I going to get out? People don't understand how sick I am. I can't just stop the thoughts.”
Along comes WORRY: “You didn't heal this when it first started. Now it's stuck. Now what? How are you going to manage without your mom? How are you going to mange when people get tired of you living like this. People will quit you.”
Ursula, with so much confidence, strength, and support says, - “Wow, what a highly imaginative joy ride these guys take you on. They all sound so mean.” She feels now that I am observing and trying to monitor them, they are getting fussy. They like to take over. My inner being is saying “NO!”
I was then guided to pull forth my sweet sides.
There was the SOOTHER voice. Firm but says, “Stop it. Soothe your heart. This voice says turn on a guided meditation. Go to bed early. Take care of yourself right now. It is a nurturing voice and says, "It's ok. You attract good things. Look at the wonderful people around you supporting you, having faith in you. You are making steps. You are doing something about it." The soother knows the “mean” voices aren't really me.
BRAVE. Brave says, “keep trying . Try anything. Connect. Be vulnerable."
HOPE says "other people have healed. You can too. Take your time. You have good healers and doctors. They all say it takes time. Keep doing the work. Look at your family and friends. They love you as you are."
SWEET says "stay observant and look at all the good stuff that is around you. Look at the pretty flowers. You are allowed to smile, even though you are in pain. Yes, look at the butterfly. Laugh at the silliness."
RESPONSIBLE says, "let's keep going. We have stuff to do. You are strong and can do this." This is the nice coach. "You can do it. Just one foot first. You've been doing. Yes, it's hard. But let's keep going."
Ursula was so wonderful and so specific with her words to me in this session. It's as if she knew my inner self wanted her to tell me these things so the mean voices could hear. She said I'm sweet. She said I worry about sweet things. She says I'm a child who sees the beauty in life and cares. She sees the innocence in me. She guided me to remember to watch, be observant at the patterns that have been created with these mean parts. She says my TRUE SELF is completeness. This TRUE SELF doesn't care about the panic or the pain. It is just IS. She says TRUE SELF feels and believes:
It's hanging out.
She says, Rebecca, me, is watching all of it.
She says she can see it's as if the mean voices and the sweet voices battle. We ended up coming up with the MEANIES VS SWEETIES - like a ball game.
She says try and sit next to your TRUE SELF. Rebecca and TRUE SELF – together can watch the dialogue between the voices. She says to be neutral and observe. The meanies like to hog my attention. They say the same thing over and over and over again. The sweeties try to send love and remind everyone we can do this.
The sweeties want my attention too. They want me to remember the beauty, the hope, and the strength I have inside me.
She says to watch the ball be passed pack and forth.
She says we are doing work to change the patterns in my mind/brain.
She explained to me about the brain. The brain creates patterns. When the patterns are created, a groove is made. So it stands to reason, because these MEANIES have been talking, a groove was created. Well the SWEETIES want a chance to fill in that groove.
She calmly and so kindly said, it's ok. I was wired differently. So we will take the time to create new patterns, new ways of thinking, so I can live a calm and peaceful life.
She spoke to the MEANIES for me. She was so loving, direct, and understanding. It was beautiful to hear.
We closed the session and the underlining message – was – I AM working. I AM working through all of these issues. It's not easy. It's challenging. I am doing the work but I can choose not to do it with the pressure of perfection.
Ursula's feedback on the session:
Audio version: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/20-Mar-18-Mental-Girl-e1juas/a-a2pghc
Rebecca is gaining ground. Just like in sports, when a team is loosing, they will fuss more, argue with the ref, make more noise. Because she is gaining ground, gathering support, getting braver and more clear, those negative parts inside of her are becoming more obvious, so they look bigger and seem louder. We have reduced the inner chaos enough for her to spot them!
The next level now is to be able to separate them from her. So they don't hijack her so much.
When you shine the light on the cockroaches, they run and hide. When her True Self comes out, the dark parts can't take over.
By separating these parts and identifying them, we can track who they are, what their phrases are and study their relationships to each other.
The Sweeties not only are trying to show Rebecca they are there too, putting up a good defense to the Meanies' offense, but they are also there FOR the Meanies. If the Meanies could calm down enough, they would be able to receive loving kindness from the Sweeties.
For now, we were able to identify much of what has been going on under the surface. Knowledge is power. Rebecca also has the tools to talk to these parts and manage them, to a degree, until we can address them one at a time.
Getting to a state of overwhelm, did not happen in one day, it happens in stages of events in our lives. Healing takes a sequence of sessions, developing more trust for Rebecca and her ability to BE with these parts and here for those parts. Not too bad, considering the alternative.
From last week to this week, my parts have been talking LOUD. I mean loud. It's as if they all want to talk at the same time. This morning I woke up with so much fear, it took everything I had to get up and start the day.
As I stood there trembling and trying to function, I had a flashback when I was young with the exact feeling. It was "I can't do this. I'm scared. I don't like this. Why do I have to go through this?" Again, like pleading, why can't I be normal.
I really felt the flashback. I also felt the realization I never dealt with those feelings. So here they are.
It was hard this morning.
I'm feeling. So many feelings. Thinking so many thoughts.
It's as if I'm that little girl thrown into this timeline and I don't know what I'm doing.
I have a session tomorrow with Ursula.
I would like to find that strong Rebecca again. Or at least open the door, invite her in, and figure all this out.
Ursula did say she thought she has seen big changes in me from the first session to the last. In fact, she sounded so giddy about it, after reading my words on our last session.
I don't see it. I feel more scared. But I do like her giddiness. She is outside looking in and I would like to believe what she sees in me, the strength, the real Rebecca, is really there. Even more, I want to see her.
It was a beautiful session with Ursula. When I say beautiful, I need to state here, that a lot of intense stuff came up. But doing this work with her, having her guide me so gently, kindly and with so much support is a beautiful experience.
We spoke of all the fears that have been rising since we started. I didn't expect to be dealing with this much intense emotion so quickly.
When we went in and began our work we spoke to the little girl who was nervously biting her nails. She was terrified. We broke it all down. She was feeling shame, scared, nervous, hopeless, and ashamed. She wanted to know, "Why is this me? Why I am different? Why can't I be normal?" This was hard work talking to her. She was really scared. I'm really scared. And I want to be there for her AND me.
I was really looking forward to finding Rebecca (strong Rebecca). We spoke to her. The real Rebecca. Yes, I saw her before me, thin and nervous....but here. She was standing next to the young, nail biter, ready to work with her; be her support and guide.
I got to stand imagining the young me and the strong Rebecca and throw out what no longer serves us.
Ursula guided a lot and spoke more in this session than me. It was as if she knew I needed to hear her words. I was so glad we were in sync. She guided me through my emotions carefully, slowly, calmly and with so much assurance to come out from my hiding places.
I grew up in a unhealthy environment gathering fears and insecurities. There is no blame. No one's fault. Everyone did the best they could. They just didn't know how to deal with all of it either. My fears were never dealt with. I didn't feel normal. So I came up with anxiety to protect me. I am wired differently than others. No one really knew how to deal with it. Again, they did the best they could with the knowledge and experience they had at the time. But now, I have to deal with it and it is very scary.
Now I'm older and this “anxiety protection” no longer serves me. I've been around a while with experiences and people who tell me I am loving, caring and compassionate. The people around me now are telling me how wonderful, kind, funny, spirited, sweet and good I am. Growing up, I didn't feel I was these things.
I was guided me to remember who I am. That I am going from a chaos state to healthy one and this takes time, patience and love.
I am to be consistent with a healing program. I need to recover from the stress and be good to myself. I am working on setting up a plan – so my body can begin the healing process and head toward thriving and feeling good about myself.
I am working on daily mediation, taking herbs, getting acupuncture, and any meds (with the supervision of doctors) I need to keep calm. I am calling on all help – any help – to help me grow and remember who I really am.
I was guided to keep things simple – yet remember when the anxiety shows up – I can remind it – nope – we aren't doing things like that anymore. We are doing things differently.
As I heal – as I progress – I hear the rumblings and challenges of anxiety. Again, it feels it was protecting me and thinks all the what ifs keep me safe.
Well NOW I want to be safe using my own language, my own experiences, trust in life; trust on myself and create a happy, loving life with my family.
I don't need to use anxiety to figure things out. I can now use love.
I pray using all the tools I have at my disposal (which I am thankful for) and keep moving forward. I can get through this. I want to get through this. I know that. The real me, the real Rebecca, knows this....and I'll just keep reminding myself.
Ursula's feedback from this session:
In this session, Rebecca turned a corner. She is so much clearer now. Before we started, she said, "I remember my real Rebecca."
That's our most real self. It's the truest version of who we know ourselves to be; when we feel most natural and free to be ourselves, when the people we are with love us unconditionally, and are actually interested in what we have to say next.
For myself, as a kid, I remember playing, unsupervised, with my cousins on their farm, or cruising my neighborhood on my bike alone, riding in the middle of the road in the early evening as the sun was setting. We feel great when we feel that sense of freedom and power to just be.
When Rebecca said she recalled her real Rebecca, it means that she is not overwhelmed by all the other parts. They were calm enough to let her see the light of day. Sometimes our parts will take over so much that we forget who we are. They crowd our mind and pull our emotions in so many directions. It's unkind and exhausting. When we do this internal work, it's as if we are holding too many cards in our hands and don't know which one to pull next. We feel pressured to play the next round and don't know how to even play the game! This work allows us to just stop, make all the players and pressure go away and lay out all the cards and look at them. It creates space and time in our inner world. We can talk to the parts that seem like troublemakers and get them to calm down by listening to them and negotiating something better for the whole system.
I know it seems backwards, how could anxiety possibly protect?
Anxiety has a ton of energy. Anxiety is the opposite of shutting down. When we feel scared or threatened, our system knows it's not safe to shut down, so it opts for ramping up. Survival. What a way to go, chaos all around and anxiety seems to just match the energy instead of become consumed by it. See? Now it makes perfect sense.
I have another session with Ursula coming next week. Wow, it will have been three weeks since my last one. Feels like a long time. Usually the days, weeks and months would fly by....but these days as my whole entire soul and being has unraveled and at times I have felt overwhelmed with anxiety and feeling so unsure - now the days feel like months. I'm not sure what this session will look like. I'm so intimated now that so much of myself is all scattered, unorganized and I feel so raw.
Well.....stay tuned sweet readers and followers. Stay tuned....