I began this session talking about a project I would like to put together to help the homeless in Los Angeles. It's a very sad state of affairs to see people sleeping in the streets, living in tents, and in need of care and medical attention. It can also be scary because some of the energy out there is angry due to mental health issues. But I don't want to live in fear of the homeless population. Some of them are really trying to survive and want and need some help. But what can any of us do? So many of us voted for a tax increase to help but we still haven't seen changes. Again, what to do? Getting angry, resentful and anxious at the problem doesn't seem to help. So I decided to research how I can help. I got an idea to make t-shirts and then sell them - giving all the profits to charity. I'm not sure about all the requirements. I'm trying to do all of my research first so that I don't go into this unaware of costs and rules about this kind of thing. Now taking something like this on, feels good, but as I get into the research, I have some anxiety coming up. Ursula thought it was a great idea but agreed - go slow.
Hopefully I'll be able to pull it off - but she recommended opening myself up and allowing the process to unfold. What I felt as we discussed it further was I set my intention - and now I can proceed to take small steps to figure out either how to do this project - or find out different ways to help the homeless population.
I admitted to Ursula as I spoke about doing the project to her and others, I found myself getting frustrated. I want to do this! I don't want any advice! But yet....I do want some advice because I have never done this before. It's like I want people to listen to my idea and then give me the exact instructions for how to do it - exactly how I want to do it. Now, that feels like a young teenager excited but a bit inexperienced.
We then spoke about other issues that were coming up for me. Another was my frustrations with my mom. I'm so angry when I can't see or feel the real her when we talk to each other. I feel she hides behind people pleasing, low self esteem, and always wanting to fix everything.
Ursula reminded me everyone goes through their own process. She said keep reminding my mom to communicate with me. Tell her it is safe to be her with me. Tell her not only do I encourage her to be her true self - it would make me so happy to connect more with her true self. I want her to feel safe with me. Ursula said I might have to repeat and remind her many times so she hears it. But I also have to be aware she is doing the best she can do with her tools, her programming, her past and her spiritual process. So even though I'm angry and frustrated, maybe it would be better to start accepting I can't change her and release this need to keep trying to change her. I'm to work on myself.
Oooosh. Practice, practice.
Ursula felt and understood my feelings. I got scared having all of these feelings come up. The little girl in me felt scared Ursula would be mad and leave me if I admitted my feelings to her. Quite the opposite. She said I was brave for being so honest about my feelings. She also went on to clarify that she felt I'm on the right track changing my constant focus which is usually on myself - to helping others. She said this is great stuff. She just wanted to make sure that I knew to take the time to acknowledge that. Take it all slow.
We were ready to go in to my subconscious.
The image that came up was a gawky teenager. She was slumped over, awkward, pimply - feelings of sexual shame and being very uncomfortable with herself. She guided me to talk to this teenager and find out what she would like to reveal. She communicated right away. She was embarrassed. She felt frustrated when people touch her. She felt angry and sad.
I remembered a time in middle school when a P.E. teacher behaved inappropriately with me. He didn't molest me. But he made suggestive comments. I had trusted and liked him, and I felt he let me down. I got to stand with my gawky teenager and we declared he was wrong to do that. He was an adult. It wasn't right. I stood by my gawky teenage self with my arm around her (she let me touch her) and say I'm here now. It was time to release that anger, sadness, embarrassment and shame. She had every reason to stand tall now.
What's really interesting about the gawky teenager was that the image I was seeing felt like it was all about my feelings on the inside. Not the outside. On the outside I was spicy in middle school. But inside I was awkward. I didn't have guidance and support. I winged it. I still feel like that at times.
We got to release a lot of hurt feelings and let them go.
We finished the session with thanks and gratitude.
After the session, I had to lie down for a while. I had the dizzys. I'm so glad I know what it is now. So much energy gets stirred around. I stayed lying down for a while. When I got up, I was felt very hungry and lightheaded.
And from Ursula:
I love watching the progress of Rebecca and her parts. I can see she is able to see them, communicate and care for them so naturally now. She can speak for them instead of from them.
One of the most obvious signs that someone is on the Spiritual Path, is how they respond to others. Just because we are doing our work, and being diligent, doesn’t mean the path can be called Easy Street. Life still happens, family members still behave the same. The big difference is how we respond to events and situations. When we can have enough Self, we can contain our needs and wants, and we can satisfy our needs and wants. This way, expectations of others decreases. When they don’t respond to us the way we would prefer, we simply drop our preferences, notice their behavior and “seek to understand” as invited in the Prayer of St Francis. It’s easier to move closer to someone in curiosity than feel hurt or angry feelings that end up pushing our loved ones away from us.
Preference comes from our ego. Our Truest and best self doesn’t get caught in that trap of non attachment and no expectation is Easy Street. So if plans don’t go accordingly, we can simply switch gears, remain flexible and see what will happen next.
The tricky thing about this is that it looks and acts a lot like co-dependence. What is the difference? It’s a long and detailed explanation, so I will go with the bottom line version. The Spiritual version is Self contained and the Co-dependent version sacrifices.
When we do our work and can take care of ourselves emotionally, we can see people better. We can see where there are openings to connect with other people’s parts and enjoy each other. When they are not available, we can see the blocks. Then instead of feeling sad, we can chose to feel curious, contemplate, then ask, “I notice when I say.. you respond with silence, would you be willing to share with me what that’s about?”
Building trust with our own parts takes work, time and investment. When we are kind and gentle with ourselves, then we become kind and gentle with others. I am enjoying the softening that is happening between Rebecca and her mom.
Keeping in mind, we often inherit traits and ways of being. As Rebecca gets to know herself better, she will also be able to understand her mom and her son better - they are from the same lineage.