The days following the session I feel a protective feeling come over me. My young 19 year self is back in my heart under my protection. She is in a detox and release period.
Ursula told me to find a picture of myself around that time in Mexico. I had this picture in my mind in Mexico - a picture I've seen recently in a box. I couldn't seem to find it. I'm sure it will come up. Until then, I came across this one. I believe I'm around that age. I look so innocent. The thing about this picture that does touch me is there I am at the old homestead on Clinton Street - in the arch - near the hallway. In my previous posts - I discuss this arch sitting with my 4 year old self.
I've got her protected. If mean or dark thoughts come - I shield her.
I've gone through some frustrated, grumpy and anxious feelings this week. As much as I shield the young Rebecca, I also help the present older Rebecca too. I work on protecting and caring for both of them.
Here's an interesting story that happened in the days following my session. Someone parked in our driveway. A real grrrrr moment. I was really frustrated. I had the power and right to have them ticketed and towed. I really don't like to do that. I know it's expensive. But it isn't fair if someone blocks me from getting in and out with ease. I recognized the car. It was a neighbor's car. He doesn't have a lot of money. I wrote a note instead of having him ticketed and towed - waited to see if would come soon to move his car. Nope. Towards the end of the day I was becoming angrier and anxious. I felt he was forcing me to make a move. I protected my tender feelings and made a decision. I was going to try and find him. I called a friend who lives down the street. She knows everyone. See, I recognized the car, but I didn't know where the guy lived. Luckily for him, my friend knew him. I went to his apartment and met up with his landlord. At first, the landlord, hearing my frustrations, felt I should just tow him. I was shocked. I said, "Look, I'm trying to do a nice thing here. It's the holiday season. It's expensive. If I can find him and he can move, all will be well." The landlord looked shocked. He said, "Nice? Holidays? People are mean. Who does nice things any more?" He laughed and walked me to the guy's apartment. Well, alls well that ends well. The guy moved his car. He was apologetic and very grateful I didn't have him ticketed or towed. It made me feel good. I walked through my emotions - I protected and stood my ground - and it all ended well.
Then another day, same week, I ran into someone that I did NOT want to see. He is like my ex. He mistreated a good friend of mine, causing her a lot of pain. He is mean and awful. At first I was scared when I saw him. Then angry. I wanted to yell and scream at him how he hurt someone I loved. I took a deep breath. I was with my son and my mom, so making a scene, would make us all uncomfortable. But I still stood my ground. I had a look on my face that said "DON"T COME NEAR ME!" He left the store. I was relieved.
Life stuff happens. When the shame, embarrassment or angry feelings up, I can feel myself getting rattled inside. But this new sense, a new stirring inside, protective, honoring me and loving me - says that's it is OK to be me. It's OK to shield and protect myself. It's OK to stand firm that I'm doing the best I can.
So protect that dear sweet young person inside yourself. She/he deserves it.
Before I add Ursula's feedback from her session, I want to say after reading it, I got chills. She didn't mention this stuff to me. I had this feeling when we were communicating - or at least I thought I sensed her breath catch when I was speaking of Mexico. But then I fluffed it off - figured she felt bad for me - so much stuff was coming up.
Then she sent me her writing......
From Ursula -
I asked her about her relationship. So many young girls are so excited to have a boy's attention that they will put up with all sorts of nonsense. Ignorance, low self esteem, defiance, and parents who are not involved with their young adult and helping them make good decisions for themselves are a few of the variables. Drugs, abuse, cheating, lying, stealing are sometimes the costly results. These sweet teenagers then get sucked down the dark hole of manipulation and abuse. I have heard it and seen it way too many times. If that's not bad enough, when we lower our life force vibration, the goodness that beats our hearts and breathes our lungs, then we become susceptible to negative energy. You can think of it akin to not taking care of ourselves, not dressing properly for the weather conditions, not enough sleep, not enough nutrition and sunshine, then our immune system gets lowered. Same.
Self care is all about balance. Play time, work time, alone time, social time, healthy food mixed with yummy food. Balance. The young Rebecca was sucked into this dark relationship. She didn't have enough of her True Self to say no to him and that relationship. Trading his attention for her inner security. Sacrificing parts of her integrity, pride, self respect, for a boy that figuratively would drag her around by her hair. No wonder her system felt bad at the historical well. She knew sacrifice without being able to name it at the time.
When we lower our life force, our personal standards, our inner sense of self respect and integrity, when we throw all that out the window for a thrill of being with the troubled boy, the price we pay is too much. He's not worth years of panic attacks and not feeling safe in our own skin. We think we bury these relationships in the past, but no. There is the old phrasing of "skeleton in the closet". We think we can just throw that damage on our psyche into a dark closet and lock the door. Nope. That stays with us, haunts us by repeating the cycle, unseen, because we ARE the cycle until we pop out enough to see it.
So what are these darkness's? They are negative energy that slithers on us when we lower our own life energy enough for them to host off of us. People who suffer from addiction have that. They may not want the drink, drug or food, but the little cookie monster in their mind does!
If you are anyone you know is struggling with these things. I can help.
I take some time before each session to relax a bit - center myself. I'm nervous about the stuff that might come up. I have those little girl scared thoughts - I kind of want to run and not do it at all. I think, maybe she’ll cancel. Maybe there is no more work to be done. Then I’ll have a reason to hide.
Well, thanks to Mental Girl, I forge ahead.
I had a nice short rest before the session - my body was going in and out of feeling warm and cold - but as I relaxed a little deeper - I felt ready. Luckily all the animals were napping and not disturbing me this time. Thank you for that.
Sure enough - Ursula was on time. The minute she calls I’m relieved I’m being brave to do this work. I feel so grateful to her, to this with me.
She asked what I wanted to work on today. I had two topics - anxiety and trust.
It’s lovely in the beginning of the session. I’m guided to bring forth positive feelings to surround me - to help me with the subconscious work.
I was guided to check in with my body. What’s talking? What’s tingly? I do a body scan - and I found tension down the sides of my neck - down to my shoulders. It really felt tight. I was guided to ask my subconscious for an image. The image that came up was a vise. As the image formed in my mind it was as if I was in a workshop - my grandfather had a vise that he used in his garage. The image kept changing - I saw the vise - holding something. It was as if an art piece was being created. It was dark - yet being turned into something beautiful or artistic - something I could admire and be proud of - that would sit on a shelf.
I was then guided to go back - ask my subconscious for a specific time in my life - that would like to present itself.
I was 19 years old driving on Laurel Canyon Blvd. I got to Burbank Blvd and entered into a dark, very scary panic attack. I felt trapped and scared. I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory - as if pulled into a dark place. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be driving alone.
I was on my way home, after dropping off my ex. We had come back from a trip to Cancun, Mexico.
Ursula wondered if some kind of dark entity might have attached itself to me while I was in Mexico. I clenched up. She said those who are in a low place, scared, and with low self esteem (I had all of those) are targets for dark entities.
I was trying to stay with her. It sounded like a sci-fi scary movie. I felt my body stiffen up. I’m was struggling to believe something this strange and unbelievable could happen - or if it did - how did I allow this to happen?
I was glad to hear a voice - stay open. Just stay present. We will figure this out. Don’t run. It’s important to me that I stay grounded. But this voice also assured, whether not a dark entity is real or not, something happened. Something scared me. I was pulled into believing that I was not able to be alone. I was terrified, sad, felt weak and very lost.
I was guided to go back to Mexico. We had gone to the ruins in Chitza Nitz. I did not want to go there. I was very frightened to be in the jungle. I felt alone there. I was with my ex, his brother and his brother’s fiance. But I still felt alone and un-tethered. I was terrified I would get lost. We went by the ruins and the sacrificial well. None of the ruins or the sacrificial well were fenced off. I was terrified and felt pulled into the sacrificial well. It was if I could see myself fighting the thoughts off. I couldn’t wait to get out this place. I risked dehydration and didn’t drink anything. I didn’t want to have to the bathroom there. I just wanted to get out of there.
I spoke about my relationship with my ex which was awful. He could be nice one minute and then tortuous, jealous and mean the next. Every day I lived in a terrified state of what was to come. I was also angry with myself that I didn't leave him. I took the punishment.
I was guided to go on the beach in Mexico. There I was - young innocent me - looking so beautiful and sparkly. She wanted to feel loved. She wasn’t loved. She wasn’t treated with love. She was frightened and uncomfortable. I could see her squiggling as if to pull down her skirt to cover and protect herself. It was as if she wanted to pull something off. You know that feelings when you get seaweed on you - or too much sand. You just want to shake it off.
I was guided to stand by my young self and say I’m here now. I imagined holding her hand and saying "You are not alone. I am here now for you."
I was guided to remove this darkness that was clinging to my young self - help her get it off of her. I saw an image - it was as if I was pulling off an octopus - I had to pull off the tentacles. The tentacles were all the harsh words - the mean words - the unloving words my ex used on me. One by one - all the lies - all the mistreatment - all the cruelty - needed to come off.
I was guided to tell her to let go of the shame, the sadness, the thoughts that she didn't deserve love and to get those off her. I was guided to tell her she was a beautiful young girl who deserved to be loved and not mistreated like this.
I could hear her apologizing for all this pain. She was apologizing she let this happen. I was guided to help her remove all of that. There was nothing to be sorry for.
I was guided to release that dark energy from Mexico and burn it.
I could see the ocean in Mexico. Yes, it was beautiful. But also dark and scary. I could feel the push and pull of the ocean - being just like my ex. He would push and pull constantly. He would grab me and throw me out - only to manipulate me right back in.
I was guided to let that energy go. I was guided to shine the brightest light to shine over all the dark that had wrapped itself around my young self. I saw an image of that black stuff exploding with the brightest light. It was difficult. I needed to ask my subconscious to repeat the image and continue to explode the dark with the light. It was a powerful feeling.
I was guided to come back to a beach- back home - here in America - where my young self could be safe - sitting right next to me. I was told it's now time to nurture her and protect her. She needs to heal.
This was a powerful session. A lot came up. I didn’t think the stuff with my ex, Mexico, the panic attack on Laurel Canyon would come up.
I needed to talk about some of the stuff that came up - the dark entity - words like Karma. I clench up on that stuff.
Ursula was completely understanding and didn’t take offense. She began to explain in words that were more comforting and made sense to me.
I took it like this: You live this life - and yes there are consequences to your actions. She said the dark energy or entity she referred to is - for lack of a better word - moronic - lazy - zombie like. They like to climb in your head and make you feel scared and alone.
Our minds are so complicated yet simple. It’s as if when you are weak - you can allow your mind to clobber you with bullshit that will weigh you down. These thoughts that you are worthless, you should be scared - thoughts that leave you in a corner curled up terrified - you have the power to grab those thoughts and see them for the silly bastards they are - liars.
The word Karma - I'm uncomfortable with it. It sounds punishing. Even to those who have wronged me, I don't want anyone to be hurt . Now I am aware anger is a very difficult emotion for me. I don't like being mad at people, and I certainly don't like them being mad at me. (Work ahead)
My favorite part of the session was when I was guided me to form the image of taking my young innocent self, and tucking her into my heart where she can now be safe. She has been rescued. She can now be safe and back with me.
We closed the session with love.
I am gearing up for my next session. Another step forward on this incredible journey.
A few thoughts and feelings since my last session.
I did write a letter to my friend’s sister. It felt wonderful. I got to apologize for unintentionally hurting any feelings. I got to empower myself, stand up for myself, and write about how I had been feeling. I got to write words of healing, about moving on, and a toast to new beginnings. I hope the letter was received well.
I was feeling really good after that letter. I felt clear. I felt strong.
Some raw feelings still came up. This argument with these childhood friends causes emotions for my family. It is very hard to hear how worried, concerned and emotional they are. I am trying to accept that all of us have a right to our feelings. I’m trying to be able to hear them too. But it’s hard. I’m trying to change patterns here. It isn’t easy. I'm doing things differently, however, not everyone has chosen this path.
I still haven’t heard back. It hurts a little. I guess they can't show up for this part.
I still wake up feeling a little lighter. I don’t feel as heavy. All my anxiety and all my pain isn’t gone. I still feel pain and sadness. Letting go isn't easy. There is a lot of work to do here. But peeling back the layers, and sorting through the details, - one by one - that’s not feeling so scary right now.
I feel open. I feel truthful. I feel I’ve got my back.
It is amazing to watch the play out and the timing. It was likely the Facebook post that triggered (pun intended) the 11 year old to come out. The Gun fight is appropriate. I liked when her parts first showed up, that they were armed but didn’t want to fight. We don’t have to fight. Fighting rarely gets us the results we are looking for. When we feel armed, that is enough. I can fight if I have to, if I want to, but I would rather keep MY peace. That’s a move in the right direction, when we can protect ourselves, provide safety for ourselves, and choose peace. Our strong parts can defend our sweet parts. Our angry parts can inspire our strong parts to show up for our system. All parts are welcome. There is a time and a place for anger, but it doesn’t have to do the talking NOR the decision making. That is power, that is self love.
I'm so excited about writing this blog. I feel so electrical and tingly about it. I need to ramble a little bit before I get into what happened in my 3rd session with Ursula.
It’s really amazing how we hold on to old beliefs, which we take with us and develop patterns that we believe we need in our lives to exist. But some of these old beliefs and patterns don’t serve us. They actually never did. But it’s scary to let them go. I imagine it’s like...if you believed a religion your whole life...and you come to find out the religion doesn’t serve you anymore, that it actually pulls you down, and you don’t believe or resonate in it anymore - so you decide to let it go. But it’s hard. It’s been a huge chunk of your life. Well whether a religion or old thoughts - growing up and taking care of yourself - well shit happens.
Deep breath. I needed a deep breath. This is what it feels like for me. I’ve had beliefs about myself - my whole life. And now, I’m not believing some of this stuff - or resonating with some of the people in my life who have been around a long time. It’s scary. I’ve always feared if I was “me” I would be alone. Well, who am I? Am I the me other people think I am? Or the me they want me to be? Am I the me who I’ve falsely believed is me? Or am I finally allowing the real me out - the me who I’ve always known is me? Whooooeee! That's it. Yes, please take a minute to uncross your eyes.
I’d like to discuss my mood before I went into my session. I ended up writing a letter to my friend. (The long time friend who I’ve been in an argument with for the past 6 months). It was heartfelt, compassionate, and honest. I received back, just a couple lines. It was all she could give. It was a thank you, nice to hear from you, and she wished me and my family well. So, it was pleasant. Of course, I would have liked to go deeper. I had written a lot. I had written about my own hurt feelings. I wrote I would like to mend this, but I didn't know how. The letter back was formal.
I found out her sister was upset with me too.
I was filled with so much pain and agony when all of this began. These days with Facebook, you can't seem to take a break from people. I couldn’t bear seeing her name, or her family's names on there. I blocked them for a while. But I would still see them. I reacted quickly and I took them off Facebook. Now honestly I don’t hold Facebook to be “real life”. But I’ve come to find out a lot of people do. To some what I did was cowardly. Oooosh, that hurt. I felt sad I hurt them. I spoke with Ursula about these feelings. She suggested writing a letter to her sister too - that parting with these feelings would be a release.
After releasing some of the raw feelings it was time to do some subconscious work.
I was feeling very jittery. The dog was trying to get in the room. The cats were hovering. I had to tried to set it up so I could focus on my session. Somehow all the four legged family members wanted to get in on this one. Eventually the animals calmed down. I was able to get to work.
We invited all the beautiful compassionate feelings to come forward to help with the emotions that wanted to be addressed today.
The first emotion to present itself was anger in the image of a bar fight scene. That was a surprise. It was a sort of Mexican stand off. I could see hands making finger guns. They were facing off prepared for a fight. They wanted to hold off from shooting, protect themselves, and get out of the bar as quickly, quietly and unharmed as possible.
The next emotion to come out was anxiety who showed up in the image of an icicle or a sort of decoration that looked like a spinning icicle. It was beautiful. It felt it needed to expose itself. It was spinning and I could see different colors - white and light purples. I felt it was trying to figure out things - figure out its next move. It was standing beside anger.
The next emotion was shame. Shame came forward like a rolly polly - sort of . It was big and all balled up. Ursula said she saw an armadillo and I immediately said yes! She said to hold it. So I did. It didn’t unroll itself but became sort of comical. It was communicating “I get it - everyone's got their feelings. I do too. I feel uncomfortable too.” It certainly didn’t want to take on any more feelings from other people. It preferred to leave get out of the bar. It wanted to honor and respect everyone’s feelings - but it clearly didn’t want to take on the responsibility of everyone’s feelings. It was asking anger and anxiety to tip their hats - go outside into the air and the Sun - and move on. It was communicating to the reset of the bar - “Back off. We just want to leave and go on with our lives now.”
So all the emotions that wanted to express themselves were out. I was then guided to think about a time - a time that would like to present itself for healing.
I was about 11 years old - back on the street in front of my childhood home on Clinton Street, -and there was the “bar fight” scene.
I was standing alone, with friends around me, in pain, not knowing how to get out of very uncomfortable situation. There was a girl (she was one of my bullies) in our neighborhood who for some reason didn’t take a liking to me at all. She would make jokes at my expense, sneers and make fun of me, in front of all our friends.
The joke that clearly came to mind in this “bar fight” scene was this: She said to me: “ I have a joke that will knock your tits off but I see you already heard it it”. The minute I said it out loud, in the session - free to say it - knew I had to say it out loud here and now, I felt the pain rise up into me again. My chest felt heavy. I waited a minute. I communicated how devastating that joke was to me.
I could hear Ursula talking to me. She found that joke insulting and mean. She said what an awful thing for someone to say to a young girl who is right in the stages of changing and growing. Her words were so soothing to me.
I communicated how I really always hated that joke. I felt like no one came to my defense. They all laughed. I felt as if they all defended her, with the attitude “it’s just a joke”, looking at me as if I took it too seriously. I felt so alone. These were all friends of mine. I hoped they would come to my defense. But they didn’t. They still laughed with her. She told that joke so many times.
Recently, on Facebook, she came back to tell that joke - there it was - right there in a comment. I saw the joke on a friends wall. The minute I saw it I froze. She said it to me. I don't know if she knew I would see - I felt I was being smoked out. I wanted to say something. Again, no one said anything. If anything I saw laughter follow, once again. She was not called out for it. Again! I’ve talked to some of my childhood friends about this, they all seem to think - “Oh lighten up, we all went through it. Don’t take it seriously.” My subconscious was mad at that fucking joke, the fucking bully and my friends standing around doing nothing.
I was guided to stand by 11 year old self, grab her sweet hand, and tell her I'm here now. I told her that joke was unacceptable. She was allowed to roar at everyone. I was able to tell her that wasn't a nice thing, and even though you felt you were alone, I'm here now. I came back to help her.
I was guided to tell her we are altogether now. We can face them off together. I was handed me an image - I was told to give her a bandanna, chaps, and some pistols. So 11 year old me, costumed up, along my adult self standing right next to her, gun toted fingers, shame, anxiety - we all stood together. This time 11 year old me - was not alone.
I was guided to help 11 year old me to take all those sad, angry feelings and let them go. It felt great.
I felt a powerful, a little scary - but courageous - feeling rise up to surround us - telling us it's time to move on.
This was a really great session. We closed the session and I slowly came back to present time. There was lots of tingling in my hands. My body felt electrical. A lot of work had been done.
I could see my two cats in the room. They had been sitting there with me the whole time. It was as if they too wanted to help me release some of this stuff. It was nice to see them there. I was not alone.
The days after my session I have been feeling pretty good. I feel as if I have little 4 and 7 year old old tucked safely in my heart. I even saw pictures of her, and my heart felt happy. There she is, smiling, and I'm right here for her. There was one picture I saw, and she was crying. I couldn’t remember why she was crying. It was me, my dad and my sister. He appeared to be talking to us. Both of us were crying. My tears actually looked beautiful. My face look sweet, as if to say, I'm feeling, I’m sad, help me through this. I felt strong watching her. Again, I say to her, I’m here!
There was a moment I was having sad feelings. I was really overwhelmed. It was the day Of Thanksgiving. I walked around feeling uncomfortable. I went up to my mom and told her. She looked at me and said, “You are probably picking up on a lot of feelings today. You know, you are sensitive to that.” Wow! My mom has never said that before. I told her about the session with Ursula. She smiled. It was a really nice moment of acknowledgement about who I am, from my mom.
I had another moment where I was in a crowded restaurant, waiting to pick up lunch. I was with my family, surrounded by a sea of people - way over capacity. My husband even pointed out (not a good idea with someone already struggling with anxiety) that the restaurant was way over people capacity. It even said it on the wall. Capacity 75. There were well over 200 people and more pouring in.
When we walked in, I wanted to run. But my son and husband wanted to stay and get lunch. Thankfully to go. The words to go calmed me down a little. I broke down the task. Order. Get a corner to stand in and wait. Then we will be out!
It took 40 minutes to get our food! Lots of people. I actually didn’t sense anyone angry. I actually senses more people were overwhelmed. So I stayed calm. Now I don’t like people touching me. But I managed. I looked around. Some looked sad. Some looked very hungry. Some looked calm. I kept circling the room - looking at faces - scanning moods. But for the most part - it was okay. At one point I saw a frazzled dad who had just ordered his lunch. He and son tucked themselves behind me. The dad said, this is going to be a long wait. And the kid said, “It’ll be worth it.”. I thought that was beautiful. The kid was hopeful, happy and hungry.
We finally got our food and got out of there. That was a relief.
On the way home, I nibbled out of the bag. I sure was hungry.
Was it worth it? Yes. My family was happy.
Another morning - I was not feeling so good. Lots of dreams. Some of the dreams I felt shame about. I don’t even want to divulge here because they are private. They probably won’t make sense. I’m not sure if they make sense to me. I can’t really figure out the whys, hows and what happened. I just know I woke up feeling heavy. Heavy with emotion.
I wanted to take all that shit and scoot it under the bed with the dust bunnies. But what if they return even more powerful tonight.
So I began to talk to myself. Every part was rattled. The dragon wanted to breathe fire. I said, there’s nothing to burn right now.
Snarky was all frustrated.
Little me kept saying, how are we going to do this? I don’t want to go anywhere.
I kept reassuring everyone it’s ok. We are home. We are safe. We are ok. I’m here.
YEs, I felt like the parent who wants to reassure everyone it’s ok, but instead feels like screaming what the fuck is happeneing! Too many thoguhts! Too many feelings! Fuck!
Shame showed up. Why don’t you want to make plans? Why don’t you make more plans.? You don’t see enough people. Why don’t you invite more people over?
Then I said, we are working on ourselves. We are working on being okay with ourselves. We are working on feeling confident to be our authentic selves hoping our loved ones understand us too.
So, I have been puttering around. I do feel a little displaced. I think all my pieces are walking around mumbling to themselves. I say to them all go ahead. Don’t start trouble. We can communicate. But go ahead...feel.
Our second session clearly reminds me being a Highly Sensitive Person is something we all need to know about. If we are not one, I am sure we know someone who is one. Probably as parents, we need to educate ourselves what a Highly Sensitive Person is.
The Highly Sensitive Person, the research work of Dr. Elaine Aron
Here is an entire world of relief. Tests, articles and even proof that you are not TOO MUCH!
When we are sensitive we have a entirely different world we live in compared to non-sensitive people. It's as if our skin is thin instead of thick. ‘Take it like a man’ is our nightmare. We are sensitive, gentle, sweet, kind and loving. We can't even help it. The world is not like that, nor understands how we could be so fragile at times. We think others are brutes and animals and don't understand how they can be so dense and ignorant. As a child, our parents are our primary reference for the world. If they are not sensitive then we are convinced we are the ones who are odd, broken, don't fit in, must be from another planet, and suspicious that we were adopted because we surely don't belong to this family. ‘What's the matter with you?!’, was the typical reaction when we were simply being ourselves.
There was a funny moment for me when Anxiety showed up. I saw a little snippy dog, like a Terrier, barking and running underfoot - hyper, obnoxious, and can't even communicate with it. That's the nature of Anxiety.
When I feel Anxious, it gets coupled with nervous and scared. For Rebecca, it was a helpful, strong and protectful part.
We are all wired differently. It's the way we cope with life and events that shape us into who we are. We often think, the past is in the past, who cares. Not true. We live FROM the past.
I have been talking to myself a lot, both the inner child, and the adult me. I have a kinder voice it seems.
I did write the note to my friend. It was coldly received. I got cold response. She is not ready to discuss, or
hear me as I would like. So I respect the boundaries. I am going to work on it with myself right now. Yes, it
hurts. But it's good to know, I'm here.
So I reviewed the video from my first session with Ursula. Right away I was uncomfortable watching myself on video. I was very critical. I slowly relaxed a little and looked through the eyes of Mental Girl instead. I could see my discomfort in the beginning. It can be awkward and scary to look within one’s subconscious and see what comes up.
Ursula looked beautiful, confident and relaxed.
I immediately hear my laugh. It’s my uncomfortable, I don’t know what I’m doing, laugh. I feel like I do that to release tension and to get reassurance from the other person. This time it was Ursula. Am I doing this right? I feel silly. I feel vulnerable. I feel nervous.
Ursula was great at guiding me along.
Even if you don’t believe in spirituality or use the dialogue of most healers - you can really look at this process scientifically and logically. It’s a really cool process - doing subconscious work. You have a dialogue with different facets of yourself.
Ursula calls this subconscious work. She also calls it Internal Family Systems.
I could tell my nerves were blocking me from taking instruction at times. The only requirement, really, was to be present, in the moment, to be honest, allow stuff to come up naturally, and be open to Ursula as she guided me.
I listened as the different parts came up. Again, I had to keep reminding myself not to judge. It was really hard to do watching the video. (Really hard to do - I’m judgey) So I decided to stop watching. It was my first session. I remember after the session feeling it went well. But I had a strong urge to stop watching the video now. It was a gut instinct. I felt as if I was nitpicking myself. I was judging the process. Sometimes I would close my eyes and just listen to our voices, and then remember the session better.
I made another appointment with Ursula for my next session. Guess what? She, like me, felt we shouldn’t record the sessions, and that watching the video of me during a healing, could take something away from the process. We both felt for some reason, the recording felt uncomfortable. So we agreed for now on, we would have the session without recording. I will write about my sessions from a calm, quiet, relaxed (and non judgey) place.
We are on the same page. I like that. Mental Girl does too.