I felt pretty good today. I felt awake and aware. I noticed the different characters that came up in the session came into my mind today. Am I cured of everything? No. But remember, if you read my book, I don’t believe in a cure. I also didn’t start this new process to be cured of anything. I believe in accepting who I am and rolling with that.
I may not believe in a cure, but I to believe in those magical feelings that come up, when you begin to embrace who you really are. I feel if I set myself up for a “cure”....that means I am also accepting that I need to be fixed. And guess what? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I need to embrace and accept who I am.
I went out this morning to run some errands.
Ran into a jerk on the street. That happens. I live in L.A. The dude just zipped around me and raced only to get to a red stop light.
Oh I wanted to Barney Fife his ass….but then I had a voice that yelled, “Wait! Don’t waste your energy. It’s not your job to take care of him. So I went on.
I long for the day I just tut tut behavior like that. But that might not happen. I may always react a little to rudeness. But I didn’t act out on those feelings. That urge to Barney Fife his ass...is a part of me. She’s sassy and fights for justice. As Ursula said to me, we don’t want to get rid of any of my parts.
So I went the rest of the day just feeling my feelings, being aware of the different characters that make up Rebecca, and it felt good.
Accepting ourself and all our parts.
Technically, we can say "ourselves"
The premise of this work is that we have a True Self and then all our parts. I say our Best Self and then all the parts of ourselves are ego based.
I am a Metaphysician, I explain that an angry man lives in an an angry world and peaceful man lives in a peaceful world.
They live in the same world, How we see the world is how we respond to the world.
When life happens, we respond to it. We are taught and role modeled how to respond to it. Most of our impressions happen before we can see the bigger picture. When we are small human beings we are sponges, soaking up everything, as real. Instead of saying, "oh my parents are messed up and ignorant of what would work better." We conclude, "oh, it must be my fault, I am not worth it." It goes on for generations.
When we are getting to know our parts, it's a very curious thing. Cautious at first, transforming, then falling in love with them before the hour is up. It's so beautiful for me to witness and usher. I love this work because it empowers the client. I could do all the work for them, but I purposely do it the way I do, so the client can get the satisfaction and fulfillment of the adventure of reconnecting.
When we don't accept ourselves, then we are rejecting ourselves. Which turns out to be a split in our self love, self respect. That split takes on a "way" of it's own. It's a belief, a feeling, a phrase, a stab, a jab, a practice, a negativity, a family habit. When we can identify, then we can make some new choices on how we deal with it. When we are healing it, then we can keep the good of it and love it. To know something deeply is to love it. When we stop fighting ourselves, we can calm down considerably.
I am happy. In just our first session, Rebecca, is already getting closer to self acceptance.
I had my first, ever, never did it before, Internal Family Systems Healing session with Ursula yesterday. As I said, I was a bit nervous about timing and worried I would be distracted because I knew I had to pick our dog, Ruby up at the vet. But I was committed and as soon as I buckled myself in, I was ready.
Oh Ruby was fine. I was so happy when I picked her up. (Just in case you wondered)
I had to get an app on my phone, for Zoom, it’s like Skype. That process was interesting. I’m not computer savvy. I usually think I’m doing it wrong. I wing it,every time. I don’t understand all these apps and gadgets. I think it’s super cool I can have conferences, meetings and even healing sessions in the comfort of my home, but figuring out how everything works…..that takes deep breaths. I did it!
It was neat, there was Ursula talking to me on my phone. Okay, I still think that is so “it’s the Jetsons” cool.
Ursula asked me what words I would like to use for our session. We went through some, Higher Consciousness - NO. That word annoys me. I told her. She was completely fine with my honesty. Guardian Angels? NO. (The idea of a Guardian Angel makes me uncomfortable and think of death) A lot of these “Spiritual words”, I feel, in my own opinion, are overused now. I have read in a lot of Spiritual books. I wanted new words, my own words, and Ursula was asking me, and giving me a choice.
Ursula was amazing. I had my first cry of the session because she asked me what I wanted. She was so kind, respectful and understanding. She wanted to be able to communicate with me, so I was in my own cozy comfortable zone. She didn’t TELL me that I had to speak like her or that there were any rules. That’s a win for me. When I feel heard, I cry. When I feel there is room for me to speak as ME, I cry.
So far, the healing, with Ursula, well, I was feeling we were on the right track.
Most healers and therapists have a tone….it brings up a uh oh….I’m going to do it wrong or I feel they are better than me. I like to feel my own spiritual vibe. I strongly believe one size doesn’t fit all. I also believe that the healer and the one wanting to be healed, should feel on the same playing field.
Ursula got me.
We fiddled until we got the mechanics right.
The session began. (She is going to give me a copy, so I can go through it, and follow my thoughts and feelings in another blog). We agreed, I am only to talk and blog about my own feelings, reactions and thoughts. She has had a lot of training and I am not here to give away her gift, or give away her magic tricks, for lack of a better word. I am here to talk about my experience.
Okay, so in a nutshell, just free flowing, these are the characters who came up in my session.
A Dog (he was on my neck - he keeps me tense, alert) It felt like he guards me and is VERY protective.
A snarky, sort of tsk tsk woman. She was concerned. She wasn’t too sure about the session. She's a bit pessimistic.
A young me (about four years old). When I pictured her in my mind, I began to cry. She was so filled with curiosity and play. She really wanted to be heard.
My dad (he passed away almost 30 years ago). He showed up. He was a bit stern. He was a little too protective of the little me. (I think him and the dog have a lot in common)
Then I showed up - the NOW me. I held little me. I pictured little me flying into NOW me’s arms.
I went numb in my lips and fingers. I recognize that feeling. I’ve had that before when the real me shows up. I know I’m getting to the nitty grittys and then ting….body says…..just in case….let’s numb her out a little bit.
There were moments I struggled to come up with images. When that happened, I saw gray and murky waters.
The whole time, Ursula was fine with anything and everything. She encouraged me to let whatever thoughts and feelings I had rise to the surface. She guided and directed the characters and people coming into my mind to help with the healing.
Towards the end, Snarky tsk tsk lady showed up. She noticed the time and said you need to wrap this up)...I had to pick up Ruby. But that’s ok. We had done a lot of work. I also like that I have an inner timer. It had been a good first session. I was ready to wrap it up.
So I’ll get to review our session with a recording. This is not something Ursula normally does. But since we are blogging and working on this project together, she is allowing me to review the recorded session.
My first session with Ursula went very well. I felt safe and connected with her and at the same time felt reassured to be myself at all times. I didn't know what to expect, but with Ursula, who guides you and constantly reassures you, being the real you is all that is required. It was a lovely experience.
Monday is the “beginning” of the week. My favorites are Friday, Saturday and Sunday. But I can’t stop the other days from happening, and appointments get made. I can’t convince the whole world to change course. So Monday, hello. I don’t usually book stuff on Mondays. I like to keep Monday’s quiet so I can start the whole week of with ease. Yeah, most people say start Monday off with a bang. Start the exercise, make plans….I’m pooped just thinking about it.
I had to wake up early to take our sweet little dog to the vet for a teeth cleaning. Now before you say, oh that? That’s nothing. It is something. She’s older. She has to be put under the sleep juice. I’m told she is having teeth removed, along with blood, an EKG, urgh. She is super small dog - 6lbs of pure gold. She’s smaller than the cats! We love our vet. She assures me this is very common with small dogs. Their teeth get a little looser and rot out when they get older. She’s an older broad with a very young spirit. Like me. I’ve got friends who say if I was a dog, they picture I would look like Ruby. Ruby is tough when she needs or wants to be...but the sweetest gentlest dog on the planet...with some anxiety issues. Sound familiar? (well it would to those of you who read the first book, Mental Girl or know me)
Oh no pressure about getting to know me or read my book. Dammit! I’m over worrying.
Deep breath. Mental Girl!
Okay….so she’s at the vet now. I’m nervous and worried and wait for the the call she is doing OK and ready for pick her up.
In the meantime I booked my first Pranic Healing session. When I booked it I was very excited. I actually still am. I’m just nervous about my focus, the timing, and…..oh dammit! I just wish I could have booked this tomorrow. Tuesday. I like starting the bookings, the meetings, the appointments, and the get togethers after Monday.
Mental Girl says….hold up! You didn’t. And that’s ok. The teeth cleaning had to be done, and I needed Ruby’s vet to be there. It will be uncomfortable, but I am doing the right thing by Ruby to take care of her. Oh...did I mention the bill is going to EXPENSIVE? Urgh. Note to people who adopted small dogs: clean their teeth! Bruth them now! Dental work for dogs is pricey!
Mental Girl says breathe. Let’s Pranic!
So back to the Pranic Healing. I’m nervous. I don’t know what’s ahead. I’ve never done this. What if I’m numb to it? What if it doesn’t work on me? What if it doesn’t work with Ursula? What if…..
Mental Girl just stepped in again. Adventures are just that...you don’t know, you don’t plan, you can’t see it all...but you give it a try. That’s it. I’m giving it a try.
The rest of my day is filled with Mom duties, wife duties, house duties, and pet duties...life duties. I guess when I really see it through Mental Girl’s eyes...it really is all an adventure. Everyone is feeling the adventure. Everyone (unless you are an asshole) is just trying to put on their best selves and fucking do this thing called life. And that’s me. Okay….deep breath inserted. Let’s do this.
In my book Mental Girl, I talk about the search for a cure to heal my mind and that I believe there no cure. I believe in self care, healing, trying on new things, learning new things. But the bottom line, so I don’t set up myself to fail or fall...I don’t look to “cure” myself. Mental Girl’s goal (mine too because I am her) is to like myself as is...moles (mental tics, warts (anxiety), sunspots (I actually now have those - but let’s say...this is that weird feeling inside that you aren’t worthy). I, along with Mental Girl’s help, am trying to love and like myself as I am.
I decided to venture out on an adventure with a healer named Ursula Lentine. She read Mental Girl and after meeting and discussing ideas, we decided to work together on a project. She would offer me her gift of Internal Family Systems, and I would offer my gift (Mental Girl’s chutzpah and gift of gab) and write about it.
Am I nervous? Sure. Am I wondering what will happen? Of course. Am I excited? Yes.
When I met Ursula I scanned her. I do that with everyone. I scan for ways to connect and relate. I wanted to make sure we communicated well together. We spoke about the project.
One of the things I really like right away was she felt grounded. It’s important to me to be tethered to this world. I enjoy talking about spirituality and religion, but I also like to feel a table is a table, and that there is no right way to do this thing called life.
Ursula was easy to talk with, she had a great laugh, a contagious smile, and I felt a click. I need those clicks. It just lets me know, okay, she sees me, I see her, we are groovin’.
My first session is coming up. I will blog about it. Again, of course I’m nervous. I’m not sure what to expect. We are going in it with open minds and hearts. We both agreed to be honest with each other and open to the adventure ahead.
So here we go Mental Girl...put on your your cape, grab my hand….