Wow. Every session has me climbing up the healing ladder. The safe feeling of support from Ursula as I climb, wobble, open my heart, mind and spirit to this journey is breathtaking. I won't say any session is "the best" because they all deserve loving recognition for the valuable information I receive. May I just say this session did fill me with one of those tingly feelings of joyous self love.
We began the session with our usual catch up. What's been going on with me? How am I feeling? What is stirring?
I told Ursula I'm still annoyed a lot. I'm annoyed with bullshit. I'm annoyed with people lecturing their opinion - feeling as if they think people should think like them. I'm annoyed with people interrupting me, being on their cell phones when we are together, saying they are spiritually enlightened when they aren't really present. I'm angry when I feel family or friends are not being truthful with me or taking the time to be self aware. I'm angry when it appears people just want to stay in the negative, the anger, and don't want to talk about solutions or figure out how to move forward. I'm irritated with my husband a lot. He bugs me - with his sounds and loud opinions. I'm angry with myself too! I'm aware when I do this crap!
Ursula spoke a little bit about the human condition. She feels there are the ones who want to move forward and heal and the ones who want to pull back and stay behind. She says - the ones who want to sit in the negative or stay behind don't necessarily do it on purpose - most are not even aware that they are doing it. They feel this is life for them. They don't see it as being behind. A lot people are in a battle with their own condition - their own pain - and they aren't ready to learn new tools to heal. She reminded me when I've been in the muck - struggling with my condition - how it wasn't easy. Ooosh, at first I cringed. I know! I feel so ashamed and feel guilty that I'm mad - when I should be more compassionate. She said wait- you are human. She said I'm aware that I'm doing this - she said that's progress too.
She understood my frustration about receiving mixed signals and watching people in pain. It's not easy. As the shame subsided about my own past pain - and the work that is still ahead - I realized that it's ok - I have my feelings and thoughts - and now that I know this - I have a choice to proceed with a calm, clear, compassionate attitude. I can ask my best self to step forward, embrace all these feelings - but with a relaxed attitude lets keep moving forward and heal. There is a balance.
She reminded me I'm not my condition. She feels no one is their condition ((what they feel is their pain, illness, sadness, anger, etc). She said there is no need to label ourselves (which holds us back). That will keep me stuck. But this is a chance to observe. She says keep observing and as that takes place - my true self - my best relaxed self will move forward to help with it all. She says that I'm ready to do this - I have been doing this.
We spoke about my frustrations, confusion and discomfort trying to help a friend. Again - she reminded me my parts are talking to each other. They are all chattering away. She said - that is OK. She said take the time to acknowledge and accept them for chatter. And then again - move forward with my best self - which knows the truth. My loved ones may be hurting, in trauma, and unable to move forward right now. That's OK. It's OK to have all the feelings. Just remember it's my choice - to ask my best Self to be there to hold the space with love for ALL. "I'm here for you. I love you." That's it. Keep it simple. I don't have to lecture, try to fix, repair, or change them. That's not my job. My job is to show love and compassion - and then work on my Self. She said it is hard to watch someone come and go in their pain - be present one minute and then pull away the next. She reminded me that it is probably the discomfort of knowing - at one time - I was there too - and it was scary. Again - no shame - no critical talking - no judgement. Just observing. I'm repairing. I'm moving forward. I'm healing.
We spoke about the anger and "grouchies" that do come up while doing this healing work. I'm shedding stuff that ran the show before. I'm letting go of stuff that doesn't fit any more. It doesn't peel off quickly. And that's ok. Again - observe. "Hello grouchies. What do you want to say? We don't live there anymore. So say your peace and with love, we will move on."
We spoke about beautiful conversations I've been having with my son. Wow! The trust he has in me is breathtaking and wonderful. I'm so pleased. He sees the growth in me and he is relieved, happy, and can see I'm more present with him. Also now with my tools, I'm there for him in a much more loving, clear, calm and healing way.
As we moved forward in the session to go into the subconscious - as Ursula used the words that prepare the mood - I could see all of my spiritual helpers in my mind. It was as if they were sprinkling the spices of compassion, clarity, connection, courage - all the ingredients for my best Self to come forward - and we line up to go into the subconscious.
I thought anger would come up. I was expecting some kind of image of my grouchies.
Not at all.
I was at a lake. I saw a lake. It was beautiful huge lake. A lake connecting to everything. I could feel the city pulsating around me. I could feel the energy of the world. This included ALL energy- love and pain. I was sitting at the end of a pier looking out - just observing. I wasn't attaching to any one thought in particular. The lake was stunning. I could toss rocks in there and make ripples. I could just let the lake be still. I could hear sound and feel my feelings and then relax and I could feel a stillness.
Ursula was so pleased for me. She said - this is mindful meditation. She said this is a beautiful thing and congratulated me on this step into my healing.
She giggled, delighted and saw my lake. She said I am observing. I really was. "There's that thought, and that thought, and that thought - oh look over there, over there, and over there." She said I am aware can observe the energies -the intense ones...and then I can let them come and go. And the beautiful loving, peaceful ones. No attachment. Just observing.
It was so pleasant and so relaxing. She said - I found my spot and I can visit here anytime.
When we closed the session with our thanks - I was so tingly. My lips were numb. I took a deep breath. She said energy is flowing and shifting and opening. She said my body is taking it all in. I was feeling it all.
And from Ursula:
Love this one!
This is a breakthrough session,. They come every once in a while. Nature has a way of celebrating when we reach a new level. It's Spiritually and it is correct to celebrate. That's how we know we are making progress. It was lovely how the sharing part was frustrated and then we dropped into peace. Like a birth canal, or gathering the courage to speak up and then we are heard. There often seems to be tension before there is benefit.
So interesting too that many people come to visit such a lake in the inner world. I even drew a picture of it when I came upon my internal lake. It's put away in storage now, otherwise, I would I share it.
This lake is PEACE. When we have lived a life without peace and we finally achieve it, excavate it from all the BS we have taken on in life, then it's well worth the effort - seemingly endless effort until we strike the real gold. Peace is more precious than gold. If you have gold but no peace, you may very quickly trade the gold for peace.
Peace seems so simple and easy, not really that far away from reach, until we sit still and try and find it. Then it seems impossible.
The funny thing is that it's really right there. Down the road in our mind. I even mentioned this in the session, when Rebecca said she could tell the city was near by, she could sense it. Same way, in the middle of the chaos of a city in our mind, the lake is right down the road. The lake is always there. No matter how cra-cra things get in the city, the lake is still, it's there, if we want.
Our natural state of being is peaceful. Look at anyone when all their needs are met. If we weren't convinced that we had so many needs, we would reach peace sooner. The problem is when our basic needs are not met, we start reaching. The reaching is never satisfied beyond the moment, the sip, the bite, the purchase, the explosion. So we keep reaching and reaching and reaching. It's easy, quick and immediate gratification, even though it's shallow and fleeting.
When we do our work, really work, not this spiritual bypass pretending we are doing the work nonsense, but the work of staring eye to eye with our demons and having a real heart to heart sincere meeting - then we get the results. That requires bravery, it requires ego to step aside and let go of it's illusion of control, and to feel afraid of the unknown while moving forward. Guts are required. This work is not for the pretenders. It's for the people who are so sick and tired of not getting it right, knowing there has got to be a different WAY of being, of existing. It takes courage, to put down our addictions, our stories, our attachments, our pride.
Look at the reward. PEACE. Now that Rebecca found her lake, she can always go back. That's how it is in the inner world. We begin to get a landscape of the inner world. It's quite heavenly at times, like this place. We can also create once we get enough clutter and false screens out of the way. I love when my clients start creating! The magic begins, the same magic that each child can taste and touch until it gets ripped away.
Peace isn't exciting like joy or happiness. It's just a horizontal line, like the lake. Nothing bothersome, nothing mysterious. Just a straight line. It can be intense in it's simplicity. Ask any artist how intense is a straight line.
We also spoke about the 80/20 rule in meditation. In this session we sat by the lake and just enjoyed the quiet, the calm, the serenity that comes with peace. Rebecca would say oh this... and ahh that... and I would bring her back to the lake. She quickly caught on, and noticed - return to the lake, notice the thought, return to the peace, notice the distraction, return to the simple. The city, the spaciousness of the lake, the desire to toss a stone in the lake and watch the ripple, the enjoyment of the softness of the water when it was undisturbed. The 80/20 is 80% lake, 20% distraction. Take a look at the % symbol. The diagonal line is where we sit. We face the one tiny zero, and have our back to the other tiny zero. They are both there, it's a matter of where our attention is. In the beginning when we learn to meditation, it's 5% peace and 95% distraction. Hahahaha. Eventually it's 80/20, but no promises. Advanced meditators focus on the 80% and the distractions are so meaningless, so weak, that the focus can stay in the 80%, the 20% is there, so what. That's on a "good" day. Hahahaha. By the time we get to 80/20 there is no "good" day, just being on the mat is the reward. The mind could be extra busy but it will still be a worthwhile meditation because we showed up for our self. Consistency is the whole key to a successful meditation practice.
Rebecca is learning so many new things, and she is staying with it. I will have clients who come, do some work and then run away, they continue to struggle and will come back when things get too rough. When someone commits to themselves and does a series they get to change their life. I have other clients who are consistent and they needs lots of time between sessions. The reward is there too, because they are constantly using the new things they learn, they are showing up at meditation, doing service, reading books, forgiving, practicing compassion and loving kindness when it's not so easy. Each person is on their own path.
How are you showing up for yourself?
Before our session started - as I just took deep breaths and allowed myself to get centered - I saw an image of a lion. That lion roared loud. He walked back and forth and just roared. He was majestic and clear. I want to be heard! I found this picture online and it was perfect. This lion is letting loose. He doesn't look angry. He just wants to communicate - and he ROARS!
I've been finding myself grouchy lately. Just knee jerk - cursing at inanimate objects - grouchy. I'm sensitive to noise, people not doing what they say they are going to do - being on the phone when we're hanging out - irritated with my age and sagging arms - being late - watching the "persona" people put on social media (the inconsistencies of reality and social media) - and feeling like it's all fake - wanting to AHA people with their bullshit and out their issues. Eeek. I was a bit embarrassed to lay out all my feelings with Ursula. I told her - I'm healing and growing - I'm working on my issues. I know this is all about me. But jeepers! What's all this?
I've also been feeling very empowered and happy about my growth - but still I even find myself AHAing myself about the stuff I'm still nervous to do - or the things I'm still working on. Or I will be judging myself and worried that it's my anxiety that holds me back with certain parenting decisions I'm making.
After "letting it all out" Ursula had that laugh - that light hearted loving tone. I love that! It feels like she is saying, "Come on in human. It's all right." She actually does say stuff like that. She said all of these feelings - all of them - is proof that the layers of awareness in my spiritual journey are here.
I hope I wrote this down correctly. She was breaking down the layers of awareness and I quickly took notes.
1. What we know and what we don't know.
2. This might be me. Okay - I'll look into that. I can look into the healing work.
3. Screw it. I can have my reaction.
She told me to use all the layers for my evolution. Everybody and everything becomes a teachable moment.
Ursula added this:
When it comes to other people bugging us, how do we respond?
1. We think we know why they are behaving that way, but maybe we don't know. It might be interesting to ask from a place of curiosity instead of annoyance.
2. This might be me. Projection, in some way, we do the same thing that we are not happy about, but when other people do it, it makes us coco for coco puffs. Okay - I'll look into that. I can look into bringing this into a session.
3. Screw it. I can have my reaction. Then deal with the consequences.
Ursula told me - it's time to begin to stand up for myself. Set those boundaries. She says practice doing this before the train leaves the station. I liked that metaphor. She said when you go out - set your intention. If you know there might be an issue - speak about before you go out. Create boundaries and communicate those to people. Don't allow my people pleaser part to take over. She said speak your truth with love and set your intention. She said remember - our time here is precious.
I guess I've always been afraid to communicate with some people - most people - because I don't want a confrontation. But Ursula reminds me -with non violent communication - with my loving intention set in place- I won't have to be afraid to speak up for myself.
She said this is a great topic to discuss - so many people need and want to communicate better. A lot if people are struggling with an addiction to their cell phones and not being present with people in the here and now.
She guided me and spoke so gently. She said speak to your relaxed part. That's the one who can take the lead to start the conversation with my loved ones. She said our true self - my true self - our relaxed selves - is loving.
I shared with her some of the parental decisions I had been making. I was ready for her to say - AHA - your fear is taking over. I asked her because Ursula is a relaxed person. She is someone who is experienced and seasoned - she is adventurous and doesn't take part in a lot of fear based decisions. I was really happy to hear her not only agree with my decisions - but tell me - I was making logical, responsible and well chosen decisions. She said - it didn't sound like fear talking. I felt so validated.
I really enjoyed the session. We didn't go into my subconscious - and speak to my parts this time. Although - I do feel that image of the lion in the beginning was so enlightening for me. The lion wanted to be heard. The lion was leading. The lion was me. So actually a part did show up. I think I was trying to figure out the anger I had been feeling. There was frustration coming up. As I become more clear and confident - I now feel it is time to start creating boundaries for myself. It's time Lead myself - with a lion's roar. Of course - a loving relaxed lion's roar.
I now see clearly the importance of creating these boundaries so resentment doesn't build up.
We spent some time during the session in role play. I was practicing what things I could say to people when I'm upset, feeling an emotion, and I want to see if there is either a way to get through it - a compromise - a set up - an agreement -a way to move through the feelings and get to my true self.
One of the topics - was I get frustrated with friends when they are constantly on their cell phone when we are together. Not a quick call here and there. Or a "sometimes" they are on the phone. I'm talking about every time we are together - there is the cell phone. I'll be talking - and the phone is picked up - and I feel dismissed. I feel like I'm not important. It doesn't make me feel good. So we role played things I might say. I was really nervous. It's scary - and risky - to speak up. But only because it's the habit of that fear - the fear to set my boundaries and speak my truth - I'm trying to heal and work through that fear. She believes - and she has experienced - when we use the loving non violent communication - speak from the heart - usually things go very well. The outcome is usually a closer -more meaningful relationship with people.
It will be interesting to see how I do with this - I have practice ahead.
After the session I felt my heart open. It was a beautiful feeling. I felt my true self - my real intention - it was all love. I felt my true self wanting to grow - acknowledging I am growing - a strong desire to continue on my journey to heal and connect and love. It was such a magical session.
And from Ursula:
I love watching Rebecca change and grow and transform herself. To me it's like watching a tree grow or a flower bloom right before my eyes, day after day, opening more and more, revealing deeper colors and textures. It's like the lotus flower that is the chakra opening, expanding.
On the spiritual path there are many twists and turns, uphill, steep climbs, tricky footing on the downhill, and sometimes just a boring straight and narrow path.
This experience that Rebecca is having, in a way, is shedding layers off, as a snail getting too big for its shell or a snake losing its skin, even when children are outgrowing their clothes. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Our references from before are irritating. We simply outgrow them. And thank goodness for growth.
Before we get on the spiritual path we do everything possible to keep things the same, to keep things safe! But we don't understand how trapped we become. All the while, we wonder why depression and anxiety are an issue. Can you see how one feeds the other?
Think about it - relationships, jobs, social status, the way we speak to ourselves in our head, the television, our religions, roles that we play...it's as if everyone's pulling back as hard as they can.
The only threat is change, which is the big joke, because change is inevitable.
When you look at it, it's quite ridiculous. We are working against ourselves on all fronts. There is the twist, as usual, with good reason. We've learn things the hard way before and we don't like it.
It doesn't take too many crashes, bumps and bruises to realize that making changes and trying new things isn't always easy.
Change; you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
So you might as well go ahead and make a change. The more changes we make, the better we are at changing. When change comes about, we have to rely on our skills and we have to have faith and courage.
Think of our dear ancestors, the Neanderthals and the Homo sapiens - talk about stressed out!
Everything was new, their whole life, everyday. It must have been a challenge - life and death decisions all the time. Don't eat the poison berries. Don't sleep near the ocean shore line. Don't run on the hot sand barefoot. Don't walk in the middle of a meadow with wild animals on the periphery. They had to learn everything that we take for granted today.
So we're wired to be scared. We've been scared for thousands of years. Fear is designed to protect us. Yes, that's fair enough. But what in the world are we supposed to do about moving forward, about improving Our Lives, and about living a spiritual reality instead of an animal fear-based reality?
Rebecca is moving out of fear and figuring out what she can rely on as she moves forward.
Well Common Sense sure does come in handy! That's a keeper. Moving slowly is a great idea too. One of my spiritual teacher from Dao, said "Walk forward cautiously but not fearfully." See the difference?
Reasoning things out before we make decisions is always something we can count on.
Looking at what's fair for all and what's respectful, usually works out well.
Getting a list of Virtues and studying those is a smart way to create our new reality including new boundaries. These are all very helpful tools.
In the Bible it says1 Corinthians 13:11 King James Version (KJV)11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
This speaks directly to our personal evolution - moving away from living in fear and moving towards living from Love and Trust. Trusting our inner self and trusting our deepest life force energy that is beating our heart and breathing our lungs. There's something greater than our fearful self and it's more beautiful, more fulfilling, more generous and more kind and much better at sharing.
In my opinion, this is exactly what the whole spiritual path is about.