I began this session talking about my sadness about a close family friend who was dying. I was feeling a lot of emotions thinking about my dad who has also passed, thinking about the past, and all the feelings that may come when speaking about the "death" subject.
Ursula held the space for me. She said everything I was feeling was so normal.
I then began to open up about my relationship with my husband. I've been feeling angry. I feel anger is underneath the surface masking as anxiety. I feel impatient and nervous about what is to come and how we are going to heal some of the hurts and issues between us. I feel we are distant and not intimate. It's very frustrating.
Ursula said to continue to focus on my own healing. She said not to use the anger as energy to fuel blame toward my husband, try to fix or change him, or rush his process. She says, he is going through his process, probably figuring out his feelings as he watches me go through mine. I was very emotionally sick for a while. That had a huge impact on him. She said he might be wondering if it will come back. He is probably struggling with his own feelings about life and the road ahead for us, for his work, and his relationship to himself. She said poking him or picking an argument right now would send the energy into a direction that wasn't healing for me and him.
She recommended taking time to acknowledge while I was sick - I hurt my family. They didn't know what to do. They were scared. They saw me in pain. I will admit I felt anger and shame when she said that. My little girl part wanted to say - but...but...but...I didn't do it on purpose! I realize that she wasn't saying to put blame on me. It was to acknowledge all the steps in the process of healing. This happened. There were consequences and effects. But also - it's ok. It's all part of the process. She repeated - stay on my healing path.
She said I should be thrilled with all my progress. Allow the family to be thrilled and pleased along with me, but also they may be nervous. What's next? Well, for me - I plan on continuing to heal.
I took deep breaths and let the information rush through me. Allow everyone to digest the new me and their feelings about the old me. I'm growing and healing.
Still, I found myself irritated. I was frustrated. Wait! Yes, I was sick. But I was always honest. I was hurt. I am healing! I should get credit dammit! I've been there for my family. I've tried to communicate with my husband. All those feelings of anger, impatience started rising to the surface. She said, all normal but to try and see them as just that - feelings - rising and releasing. I began to allow her words to soak in. My work is to choose instead of fueling more anger, frustration and irritation - to fuel the healing and loving energy which will continue to guide me to embrace my life - make it better - work on myself - and feel good.
Because of all the work Ursula and I have done together, I am now doing more and more with confidence and independence. I struggled for over 30 years. And now, I go out more. Alone. I drive. Alone. My map is expanding. This is amazing and beautiful stuff.
She began to discuss love languages. I know she can explain it better. But she said most couples assume that marriage/relationship mean the other person is suppose to always be there - always have your back - that their rightful position is to know your needs and meet them. But that isn't true. That is our job to do for ourselves.
I hope Ursula can write a little about the love languages and explain a little more about how men are wired. It's not an excuse for their behavior. It just is. They need clear concise information. They need directness. They also go through a kind of agony when they can't fix something/you.
She also described the difference people have and the meanings they put on gift giving. One person may give cards. The other likes touch. Another person likes to be heard. She taught me the best thing couples can do is listen and find out what the other one likes. You don't have to change what you like. But it is important to communicate it to your partner, so they know. No one just guesses. And there is a good chance you both don't gift give the same way.
Again - I was getting irritated but quickly I began to understand her wise words. She wasn't blaming me. She wasn't telling me to do all the work. She wasn't dismissing my feelings. She was saying - there is a fuel brewing inside me - and I have a choice. Do I want to use it to heal or to harm. I want to heal!
I began to really listen. She said keep going with your work. She said work on myself, make myself feel pretty, go out, and find the things I like to do. Move forward. Basically I felt she was telling me to romance myself! She said you don't do this to replace your husband. You don't set out to find someone else. YOU find YOU. She says when we do this - the other partner has a choice. They can see these positive changes and say I want in! I like this! I want to be a part of this. Or they can say - no. I want to stay the way I am. I don't want to change. Go ahead and leave. She said it is so important to continue to self empower.
We then went in to do the subconscious work.
As she guided me to prepare to do the work - an image was popping up loud and clear as if to say I'm here. See me me me! I'm here and ready.
The image was a sloth. It was a cute sloth - going at it's own slow sloth pace, just inching along - no rush.
Oh it was ready to communicate. It said, take your time. I could see it. If a sloth was crossing the street - I would have a few choices. Sit in the car and scream at it to get moving. I could get out and lift it up. Might be heavy and bite. Or....I could admire it and let it do its thing. It'll get across. I have time.
I really could see this sloth as being a representative of my progress. I'm going at my own pace. There are times when it's slow - and slow can be fantastic. There are times slow may be frustrating. There are times other people's progress is the sloth. Life is the sloth. Healing is the sloth. But it's ok. It's ok to let the sloth do its thing.
It was a really cool thing to see and feel the sloth. Ursula thought it was fabulous that a sloth should come up.
We closed the session with thanks.
As my healing progresses, I notice myself responding so differently to Ursula's wise words and teachings - or should I call it guidance? Of course, I still feel the young student part - frustrations and anger will rise to the surface. It's my tantrumy young self who becomes overwhelmed by emotion. But in our work together, I feel a stronger link to the gifts that are offered to me - and my true self, the inner parent comes up and calmly assists so I can recognize and really hear the words and wisdom offered to me. This session the message was - go slow. Take the time to feel, hear, learn, grow and move forward. As always the tenderness, compassion and understanding that I receive from Ursula makes it possible for all my parts to be heard. She always holds the space.
I'm attaching her website again. If you are interested, and I highly recommend it in engaging in this process, Ursula is wonderful. www.ursulalentine.com/
This session was very deep and quite intimate. Now that Rebecca is on the other side of crisis-mode there are two things going on at the moment. One - there is a ton more energy to create with and use, it’s our human default to want to tear at things. I encouraged her to use this additional resource of Energy to continue growing and developing new parts of herself to express and create. It’s the best use of Energy that she doesn’t have to spend on the vacuum of anxiety that will suck a persons Life Force Energy right out of them. Now that she can monitor, adjust and maintain her anxiety levels, she has more Energy to spend on other areas of her life. The other thing that is going on at the moment is she is looking around and taking inventory of the damage that needs time and healing to repair. It’s just like when a family member has a diagnosis and everyone has to adjust to the condition that the person has. Now that she is better, everyone can readjust again to a more even playing field. There may be some deep seated resentment, anger, frustration that will need to be addressed, or gentleness to come in and sooth those feelings.
When a man has to watch his lady suffer, that’s the worst thing. They feel powerless, that they are failing at their job to provide and protect. They want to provide safety and peace - to protect from threatening things that could disturb safety and peace. Well, her husband couldn’t, there was no logical way he could have helped prevent this or make it better while it happened. One thing we can say for sure about this work, is what is logical - isn’t all there is. So seeing his sweetheart suffer and feeling helpless, I am sure has put him in his own tailspin. Now that Rebecca is better, he may feel like a soldier who is being told, “the battle is over, you can all go home now.” He may be wondering, how is he to be? Does she even want him anymore? What kind of a man is he anyway? He also may be going through some of his own issues.
No matter what, we need to keep taking great care of ourselves, then there is no one to blame. There will be no energy to spend on conversations that don’t go anywhere or stuck feelings that never get expressed. When we move away from these things, we can create a new way. Once we are in our new space, then the partner doesn’t have a playmate in the old paradigm. They will notice that a new person is in the house and get curious and want to come out and play too. Once both people are in a new possibility they can easily look back and see what wasn’t working. Einstein said something along these lines - we can’t solve a problem with the same consciousness of the problem. So, when we emotionally move away from the same old -same old, then we can create a whole new world for ourselves first and then the invitation is there for everyone else in the family to join in too.
Love Languages is a work by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages.” It’s very insightful. As Rebecca is becoming more aware of herself and able to participate in her relationships with more ability, she can use her new found super powers of clarity, kindness and compassion on herself and others. If you have ever had the opportunity to meet Rebecca, you would know these are her pure essence, she can’t help but be the biggest Sweetheart you ever met! Now that a bulk of the blocks have been dissolved, her natural qualities are even more powerful. The Love Languages will help her improve her relationship with herself, her Parts and her family members.
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I began this session talking about a project I would like to put together to help the homeless in Los Angeles. It's a very sad state of affairs to see people sleeping in the streets, living in tents, and in need of care and medical attention. It can also be scary because some of the energy out there is angry due to mental health issues. But I don't want to live in fear of the homeless population. Some of them are really trying to survive and want and need some help. But what can any of us do? So many of us voted for a tax increase to help but we still haven't seen changes. Again, what to do? Getting angry, resentful and anxious at the problem doesn't seem to help. So I decided to research how I can help. I got an idea to make t-shirts and then sell them - giving all the profits to charity. I'm not sure about all the requirements. I'm trying to do all of my research first so that I don't go into this unaware of costs and rules about this kind of thing. Now taking something like this on, feels good, but as I get into the research, I have some anxiety coming up. Ursula thought it was a great idea but agreed - go slow.
Hopefully I'll be able to pull it off - but she recommended opening myself up and allowing the process to unfold. What I felt as we discussed it further was I set my intention - and now I can proceed to take small steps to figure out either how to do this project - or find out different ways to help the homeless population.
I admitted to Ursula as I spoke about doing the project to her and others, I found myself getting frustrated. I want to do this! I don't want any advice! But yet....I do want some advice because I have never done this before. It's like I want people to listen to my idea and then give me the exact instructions for how to do it - exactly how I want to do it. Now, that feels like a young teenager excited but a bit inexperienced.
We then spoke about other issues that were coming up for me. Another was my frustrations with my mom. I'm so angry when I can't see or feel the real her when we talk to each other. I feel she hides behind people pleasing, low self esteem, and always wanting to fix everything.
Ursula reminded me everyone goes through their own process. She said keep reminding my mom to communicate with me. Tell her it is safe to be her with me. Tell her not only do I encourage her to be her true self - it would make me so happy to connect more with her true self. I want her to feel safe with me. Ursula said I might have to repeat and remind her many times so she hears it. But I also have to be aware she is doing the best she can do with her tools, her programming, her past and her spiritual process. So even though I'm angry and frustrated, maybe it would be better to start accepting I can't change her and release this need to keep trying to change her. I'm to work on myself.
Oooosh. Practice, practice.
Ursula felt and understood my feelings. I got scared having all of these feelings come up. The little girl in me felt scared Ursula would be mad and leave me if I admitted my feelings to her. Quite the opposite. She said I was brave for being so honest about my feelings. She also went on to clarify that she felt I'm on the right track changing my constant focus which is usually on myself - to helping others. She said this is great stuff. She just wanted to make sure that I knew to take the time to acknowledge that. Take it all slow.
We were ready to go in to my subconscious.
The image that came up was a gawky teenager. She was slumped over, awkward, pimply - feelings of sexual shame and being very uncomfortable with herself. She guided me to talk to this teenager and find out what she would like to reveal. She communicated right away. She was embarrassed. She felt frustrated when people touch her. She felt angry and sad.
I remembered a time in middle school when a P.E. teacher behaved inappropriately with me. He didn't molest me. But he made suggestive comments. I had trusted and liked him, and I felt he let me down. I got to stand with my gawky teenager and we declared he was wrong to do that. He was an adult. It wasn't right. I stood by my gawky teenage self with my arm around her (she let me touch her) and say I'm here now. It was time to release that anger, sadness, embarrassment and shame. She had every reason to stand tall now.
What's really interesting about the gawky teenager was that the image I was seeing felt like it was all about my feelings on the inside. Not the outside. On the outside I was spicy in middle school. But inside I was awkward. I didn't have guidance and support. I winged it. I still feel like that at times.
We got to release a lot of hurt feelings and let them go.
We finished the session with thanks and gratitude.
After the session, I had to lie down for a while. I had the dizzys. I'm so glad I know what it is now. So much energy gets stirred around. I stayed lying down for a while. When I got up, I was felt very hungry and lightheaded.
And from Ursula:
I love watching the progress of Rebecca and her parts. I can see she is able to see them, communicate and care for them so naturally now. She can speak for them instead of from them.
One of the most obvious signs that someone is on the Spiritual Path, is how they respond to others. Just because we are doing our work, and being diligent, doesn’t mean the path can be called Easy Street. Life still happens, family members still behave the same. The big difference is how we respond to events and situations. When we can have enough Self, we can contain our needs and wants, and we can satisfy our needs and wants. This way, expectations of others decreases. When they don’t respond to us the way we would prefer, we simply drop our preferences, notice their behavior and “seek to understand” as invited in the Prayer of St Francis. It’s easier to move closer to someone in curiosity than feel hurt or angry feelings that end up pushing our loved ones away from us.
Preference comes from our ego. Our Truest and best self doesn’t get caught in that trap of non attachment and no expectation is Easy Street. So if plans don’t go accordingly, we can simply switch gears, remain flexible and see what will happen next.
The tricky thing about this is that it looks and acts a lot like co-dependence. What is the difference? It’s a long and detailed explanation, so I will go with the bottom line version. The Spiritual version is Self contained and the Co-dependent version sacrifices.
When we do our work and can take care of ourselves emotionally, we can see people better. We can see where there are openings to connect with other people’s parts and enjoy each other. When they are not available, we can see the blocks. Then instead of feeling sad, we can chose to feel curious, contemplate, then ask, “I notice when I say.. you respond with silence, would you be willing to share with me what that’s about?”
Building trust with our own parts takes work, time and investment. When we are kind and gentle with ourselves, then we become kind and gentle with others. I am enjoying the softening that is happening between Rebecca and her mom.
Keeping in mind, we often inherit traits and ways of being. As Rebecca gets to know herself better, she will also be able to understand her mom and her son better - they are from the same lineage.