I felt very different at the start of the session. I didn't feel I had a "problem" per say. I had more of a blocked feeling and thoughts. At first I felt blocked in the session, but the way the sessions work is, there is no wrong way to do it. There is no wrong part which shows up. There isn't a part of you who isn't invited and welcomed. One of the things Ursula says that relaxes me, is "All parts are welcome." If you are willing to allow what comes up - even when it feels confusing, uncomfortable, and jumbled - allowing Ursula to guide you through - some really cool "parts" show up.
I began speaking about this...blockage....or rather for lack of a better word to describe this...irritation. It was a discomfort that I can't remember certain parts of my childhood. To be more specific - the happy stuff. Ursula reminded me the reason we forget is because we learned a technique for protection - and that was to tune out - to escape in the mind. When kids feel a lot of discomfort in their lives - they go inside themselves to create a space to get out of the sadness. I know I did that a lot. Unfortunately - the way the brain works at times is to remember the crappy stuff more than the happy stuff. Now I do believe, of course, it is possible to remember the happy stuff. But I also believe you have to work through the crappy stuff and let go of it - so all that happy stuff can rise to the surface.
As we took twists and turns with my memories - I came out with a feeling of oddness I felt that I was actually an extroverted introvert. I realize how odd that may sound. How can you be both? It is conflicting. But I was always so excited to connect and find a happy place. That yes - I could zoom into a situation fast and with high expectations only to find myself disappointed with people. I would get noisy and loud one minute and then turn being the one who wanted to go home because things no longer felt safe.
I still get overwhelmed with a lot of people around.
I spoke about recently having a conversation with some friends about the prom. I was happy to say that memory - that day - was a good memory. The ones that followed - not so much - because I was with someone who was not aligned with who I really am. But that specific day was a pleasant memory. I began to think about my son's childhood and his schooling. I home-school my son, so he is having a much different experience with school than I had. Actually I'm giving him the experience I wanted. He may or may not go to prom. They do have the prom experience for homeschooling.
So we decided to start the work and summon the images. At first nothing was coming up. I could feel the block. I could feel myself pressuring myself to come up with something. But then - because I have experienced so many of these sessions now - and remembered Ursula doesn't rush me to pull up the images. I was having trouble - I was trying to see - what wants to come up?
I began to take slow soothing breaths - just observing. There was a thought that maybe I would just make something up. I didn't want that. But then I remembered and said to my mind - allow. Allow the image to come forth. Let it form. It began slowly and then began to spin. The colors were gray - maybe some white and some black - and finally some yellow. I saw an image spinning, spinning, and spinning. The image which began to form was the spinning like a washing machine. And then transformed and became a woman's hands ringing out her laundry. That image relaxed me. She knew what she was doing. She was getting all the water out. Her strong hands were ringing and ringing the cloth. And then she put the laundry on the clothesline to flap in the wind. I took an instant liking to her vibe. It was safe. It was comforting. It was strong and sound. Yes, it is mundane work. But very Zen.
Then an image came up about camping. I don't like camping. At least I don't feel like I like camping. Too much unknown. But this image transformed and became the camper - and the camper was bugging me. There were shoulds and bragging. I was annoyed. The camper wanted to convince everyone- go camping. Feel alive. Feel adventurous.
Slowly there was a sort of dialogue between the camper and the laundry woman. The laundry woman said - sure come tell me your tales of camping. But also respect what I do. I am happy. She wanted to be respected.
I was feeling challenged and frustrated. At first I wanted to say - no - start over. Can I pull up another image? I don't want to deal with this. Then I thought - this is what it is - hang in there. Let it be revealed. Once again - Ursula reminded me - there is no wrong or right way. There is no "have to" here. There is dialogue happening between these parts. Let it unfold.
I was still feeling agitated. An image of a bursting bee shooting up and came up. He was feisty. He had anxiety and then made an outburst. Ursula giggled. He had cute little legs. He wanted...no demanded to be heard. He did NOT like the shoulds and the bragging coming from the camper. He began to become more and more irritated and agitated. I was feeling very irritated too. I was with him. I didn't like this either!
Ursula in her soft voice suggested the bee become the negotiator between the camper and the laundry woman. The bee liked that. It felt important now. She suggested the bee can listen to the Zen woman and the camper and they can both play a part. No one will lose. They will always communicate. And the bee can feel good about it all because he is making sure there is a discussion happening between the parts.
The bee was trying to figure this out and relax. I was trying to figure this out.
I kept worrying - Does all this mean I have to go camping?
However...I listened to Ursula's words. There is no right or wrong here. My parts are having a discussion. I spoke to the bee and said there will be no shoulds and discomfort because there will always be a negotiation and an agreement.
I began to relax and a voice came to me. What does camping mean? Maybe the word camping is symbolic for pushing through. I have been very adventurous with my healing work. I have been pushing through. I've done a lot of work in my mind. Maybe there is a part of me ready and willing to try new things - that fall under the umbrella of the word camping.
Then I thought about a lot of "camping" moments that I've had when I've been out - pushed myself - walked and talked myself through the anxiety - and that was....a camping mentality.
I thought of the wonderful times when I'm zen in my routine. I love my routine. I feel content and happy with my life. I feel these wonderful feelings are just like being the washer woman.
The bee felt calmer. I felt calmer.
We wrapped up the session.
This is a perfect example of polarity. Inside our subconscious, we have these parts of us. When one part goes too far outside the boundaries of what actually works, another part has to lean out in the other direction to balance the first part. If all our parts are on a small sailboat, the first part would lean way over the side and someone else would have to lean over the opposite side to balance that first part so the whole boat doesn't tip over.
The easiest example of those opposites trying to balance each other is when people suffer from an addictive part. The addict part will start using their drug of choice and then the next day the cleanup crew part has to apologize or pretend that everything is okay or make nice-nice with everyone and be sweet and loving to cover up anyone being mad at them or calling them out, holding them accountable. Then take it to another level of understanding. When someone is "Using", it is often the case the spouse is the one who is also trying to balance out their behavior such as making excuses, avoiding social situations, go into avoidance and hopeless feelings about ever making things better. The addictive part has the one person by the throat and the spouse feels stuck and helpless and is left to stand there and watch. Sound familiar? Speaking of familiar, that can go on in Families for generations. It could be alcohol, sickness, nasty behavior, affairs, lying, workaholic, poverty consciousness and the like.
When we are on the Spiritual Path, it's a matter of waking up. Becoming aware of more than just what meets the eye. When we become tuned in to the subtle signals and clues of feelings, when we can study our emotions instead of being controlled by them, it makes a big difference. Then we have the ability to choose differently. If we not aware, then how could we possibly begin to change? Being Self Actualized is to be completely aware of ourselves as a spiritual being having a human experience. It's an evolutionary process that can take lifetimes. It's definitely a work in process.
These two parts of Rebecca's are so sweet. We have been doing laundry for centuries and we have been camping for even longer. I myself enjoy camping and I am also very domestic and love peace and quiet. This session is ideal in giving us the example of moving from human animal to human spirit. Laundry is not exciting, it's very predictable, the ego doesn't really like "same-same."
It likes to stir things up. Camping is full of unexpected experiences, things happen, weather, equipment not working, interacting with others, new places - it's an adventure. Many parts could enjoy camping, our nature parts for sure. Nature is one of the best ways to take care of ourselves. I highly recommend spending as much time as possible outside. In fact, I am writing this as I sit outside. My doctor said he was surprised that I have enough Vitamin D because most people are deficient. Nature is a fascinating way to become ageless. When we play outside, the kid in us comes out. Some people miss the mark on this and bring their "I'm in charge" part, then others frown, but tolerate. Camping is for fun times. Leaving the rat race, connecting with nature, and making life simple again.
The laundry lady is very zen. Yes laundry is boring until you drop into it. The Zen lady was doing laundry in a highly sensitized way. She was smelling and feeling. Her interior reality is as rich as the camper's exterior reality. The mystery is even greater inside than it is outside. The depth and connection are very great in the inner world. We can realize things in the silence that we can not access in the distraction.
The bee is realizing there is a time and place for everything and the bee can help determine when is a good time for each WAY of being. Neither good nor bad. Judgment is replaced by understanding on the Way of the Spiritual Path.