In the beginning of this session I just wanted to download and release some feelings. I had been feeling some "old worries, feelings, thoughts". Some of them I have learned can be stored in their own file of "life stuff". This is stuff that bothers a lot of people. Then there are the germ worries, the OCD thoughts, the fear of future thoughts. Those need to be filed as "anxiety stuff".
I spoke about using the "gavel" (a part that came up in a previous session). This gavel gets to smash and dismiss if I'm going off course. I spoke about my talking to the bully older brother part when he comes up. I told her I take him and the young sister on walks. I'm the calm mom that will pull them apart if arguing begins to stir things up inside my mind. They do respond well to my calm voice. I remind them we are all safe and I'm in control.
Ursula said she noticed my tone is much different now. As I speak of these different thoughts, emotions and feelings, she doesn't see me getting sucked into them as I was when I let anxiety direct and control me. Now, I look at each one, speaking and making decisions with my best self. Even the fact that I file them in sections/files- life or anxiety, she could see I'm looking at it all very differently. That made me feel good.
We spoke of the short sweet conversations I have been having with my husband.
Life stuff is real. I take time to practice loving self talk and ask my best self to come forward after listening to all the information. I'm a mom. I have responsibilities with my family.
I was ready to go in.
So I told her there is this part I've been feeling. I thought it was anxiety, but it doesn't feel anxious - but there is tightness. So Ursula said - let's begin there. The image that came up at first was the image of a long towel twisted. Then it changed again - a sort of twisted sculpture. It morphed into a contortionist. it wrapped up one way, then the other, bending and shifting into different positions. Some positions weren't comfortable. But the image and the feeling or message I received- was, well, shift again until you find a position that is comfortable. I felt it showed up recently. It wanted to tell me to be flexible - keep it loose. I will have different reactions, thoughts and feelings that will come up. I'm learning. I'm healing. I can shift positions. Yes, "life stuff" comes up. I felt as if it wanted me to trust myself. Look and feel from all angles. It's ok to feel. Just adjust your position for clarity and comfort.
The next image to come up was rather comical. It was a pair of those toy chattering teeth. Now why that? It just chattered and made a lot of noise. Sometimes funny, sometimes annoying. I felt the chatterbox showed up in my life when I was about 4 or 5. It is one of those toys that would be interesting to a young child. Funny - but also would be enough noise to annoy everyone. Ursula found this interesting. She said kids find the noisy toys to get attention. Kids want to feel in control. They can wind up the toys (gives them control) and the loud noise will get them attention from others. They want attention when their needs are not being met. It felt funny to me, because till this day, I do enjoy a fun wind up toy. But, I also feel, with this one, I want to be able to stop it. I don't need it to go on making loud noises all the time.
I felt as if the chattering teeth have been around since I was about 5 years old I couldn't remember an exact time for all these feelings - but I knew she felt sad when they showed up. She wanted to be heard. She felt selfish for annoying everyone. Ursula assured me with her calm loving voice - a 4 or 5 year is not selfish when wanting to be acknowledged, heard or loved. This is a young age. She wanted to release anger, sadness, disappointment - and I helped her do that. A funny thing. I asked her if there was anything else she would like to release - and she said gum. I laughed. Ursula laughed too. Gum? She wanted to be silly. She wanted to be playful. How sweet. She is happy I came back for her. I saw an image of her hands on my face and we were smiling at each other.
After that, the session really felt playful. I felt tingly all over. I do remember that tired feeling came up - and I told that part to relax. This work is good stuff. Nothing scary. Enjoying the playfulness feeling is so new to me. In the past, I felt if I'm too playful, the fun will stop. No. It won't. Playfulness is a great characteristic to nurture and bring out.
We closed the session, with thanks and taking time to look at all the wonderful sessions and all the amazing work we have done together so far. It is really beautiful.
After the session, I was so giddy - that I stood up too fast. Woosh! I got so dizzy. I immediately laid back down. Ursula reminded me all of this is good healing work - energy is being stirred up - some released - and new stuff coming through me. It makes sense that I would feel dizzy. After lying down for a little while, I slowly got up - again feeling tingly but now I had that really neat electrical feeling. I was looking forward to drinking some water and heading out for a walk.
I loved the chattering teeth part. Oh my goodness, I bet everyone woman can relate. We are so busy in our heads. Can you imagine, each part having a set of chattering teeth and all of them trying to get our attention at once! It would be a nightmare. Thankfully a large variety of parts will show up, each with their individual expressions, from personifications to objects. Sometimes just a smoky presence.
When we go into the subconscious, we are indeed altered. There are many states of awareness. We reach similar brainwave states as hypnosis, yet the way I do this, we are both there, in this wonderful space. It seems normal at the time, talking to all the different parts and interacting with emotions, talking with family and friends who have crossed over, having conversations with guides. When my clients are finished, I have them relax for a minute or two and slowly get up. Some personalities want to jump up and move on with their day, they often will fall back down on to the couch and say, "Oh I see why you said to just relax a minute." It goes to show that we really are altered.
Many people who live from their head feel empty. It's because their mind has done a great job at blocking out all the emotions. When they have had enough they come to see what is going on and we take the long journey back home into our hearts. It's only physically 18 inches or so, from our head to our heart, and emotionally 20 to 40 years or so. The last emotions that we typically run from are fear, anger and pain. Which makes perfect sense. We slide on the metal sewer drain cover and that's enough of that, for years to come. It works. Until we realize we are numb, stuck, unhappy, uninspired, old and unsatisfied. When we decide to face whatever it is blocking us, then we get to deal with the last thing we left behind. At this point, Rebecca has moved far enough through the rough stuff that she gets to meet these sweet parts. Back to her original way of being.
When we do this work we can be sillier, more playful and much lighter. It's been said that Jesus said, be like a child... Whosoever, therefore, shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
I believe we can create our own heaven on earth. It's a matter of perspective. When people ask me what is metaphysics, I explain. "A peaceful man lives in a peaceful world and an angry man lives in an angry world, yet they are neighbors, how can this be?"
Once again unveiling with Ursula leads to new growth, healing, and awareness.
This session was a bit different. It wasn't exactly about my parts (which are always there and included) - but I needed to release a lot of feelings, thoughts and emotions which had risen to the surface.
I needed to release feelings that even though I'm proud, excited, and very impressed with my healing and growth - I don't brag to others. I haven't shared too much with family and friends. I'm slowly beginning to, but I keep things on the down low. I feel hesitant to brag because I don't want people's expectations to get too high of me. I don't want to fall down. I feel I'll get punished if I brag. Once I release some of these thoughts - I realize - there is that bully again. There is that worrier. There is the shamer. But now, after the work with Ursula - I realize the parts need to vent a little. They need to share. However - they don't run the show. Rebecca, my true self - is driving, rowing, and steering my ship. I like that visual.
I spoke to her about disappointments I've had - and fears that still come up. She assures me these are all normal. She says having them was and is not the problem. It is how I listen and how I speak to my parts - bringing forth my best self each time so I can adjust, change, and move forward. That's the work I'm doing.
I shared the issues I am facing with my husband. I don't feel connected to him. I feel a bit of a distance between us. His tone and his stories appear to me to be...well..for lack of a better word...a downer.
And then there is the..deep breath here...because it has also come between us..the beard.
Oh the beard.
My husband grew a beard. Not just any beard. A ZZ top long straggly beard. At this point his mustache has grown over his lips. As my dad would say, EGAD! Me no likey at all!
I needed to get silly for a moment. But in all honesty, I'm angry and very much irritated that he won't go back to the handsome man with the goatee he was when we met and I feel looks much better on him. I have been managing my feelings for a couple years now. Yes! This is not just a month or two of irritation that has grown - but years. It's as if this beard is slowly changing him to a grumpier, older, sour, downer. I don't see a twinkle behind the beard. I see sadness and anger.
Another deep breath inserted. This is difficult to write. (Which is why humor is so important to coat my wires. Tenderness and loving self talk is required to coat my wires).
So Ursula and I, together, took a look at my husband.
Ursula feels it is very hard for men. They feel they need to be the protector and the provider. If they don't feel they are doing the job, they will feel worthless. Yes, my husband has been out of work for a few months. (But again - the beard! The beard has been around for years! Yes, that part is angry) Okay deep breath. I had to bring in tenderness and empathy to hear Ursula. She feels my husband may feel like a loser. He doesn't feel the urge to change his looks. It appears he feels down. The beard is him in a funky place. He may be feeling angry and a sense of unhappiness.
She reminds me it is okay to feel all my feelings. She says all my parts are in fact working for me. However, it is important to listen with a loving heart, sort through it all, don't react harshly and ask and bring forth my best self to listen to my parts and move forward to the solutions that will BEST serve ME (which in turn helps my family).
It does make sense. I can understand and feel that acting out with anger, frustration, irritation and just swinging mean words around is not in my best interest.
Ursula reminded me to look at the truth. If my husband is angry and possibly looking for a fight, well then emotionally swinging doesn't sound like the right move - for ME.
She recommended that I begin to reach out - slowly - calmly. She says he may be depressed. She says find a gentle tender approach. I could say something like, "I've noticed you have been sad and a bit snappy. I am worried about you." She said stay with empathy and kindness.
Well, I could hear her saying it and it made a lot of sense. But there were some parts yelling, "I'm mad at him! He won't shave the beard! I'm lonely. I want romance!"
Ursula, with a sound, logical and calm voice reminded me to look at my anger. Anger is a loose cannon. She recommends asking the part who can be like the calm lawyer to present the case. It appears my husband is feeling very inflexible right now. Thank the anger part for sharing, but showing aggressive anger with someone who appears aggressive isn't in our best interest right now. So she reminded me again - work with tenderness. Try speaking with him and say, "I am concerned. I care about your well being and feel worried you are in a dark place. I miss my husband. I want you to feel at peace and relaxed. Grumpy guy has you a bit buried behind that beard."
I was still trying to find some tenderness. My frustration and irritation were still clinging and speaking loudly.
So Ursula said - and this spoke to me. She said your husband was a sweet boy. He thought he had to bury the sweet boy to survive in a world that right now he perceives is awful and needs his anger and aggression. She says talk to his 5 year old self with my 5 year old self. Now, that image was beautiful and began to melt me and make me feel tenderness and compassion.
She said stay away from speaking to my husband with tones of guilt and shame. Use bonding tones and bonding words such as, "I see you aren't happy. I miss you. I see you going down a dark hole - like a dark cave - and I want my husband back. Can you find your way out of the cave? Can I help? I want you to be happy. Please come out. We can figure this out." She says keep it short and sweet. She said try not to ask him too many questions right now. The shorter, calmer, tender words will bring forth the sweeter results.
Ursula allowed all of my parts to speak and feel embraced. She reminded me I am getting more clear with who I am and that I'm moving forward on my path. She says this is my time to create my life. I have been a victim of controlling anxiety. I felt powerless. Now I am stronger, braver, more courageous and feel more power in being my true self. She says I have more clarity. I'm noticing things. I notice things I no longer need or want. I notice things I want, need and am moving towards a healthier and happier life on a daily basis. I am more present. I am creating healthier ways to live, be, think and it does feel good.
I am healing.
Ursula kept speaking words that went straight to my true self who drinks it up like beautiful clear loving healing water - soothing and healing. She says talk to yourself.
I am here.
I will be okay.
I am healing.
I will find a way to work through this with my husband.
I will find solutions for myself, my marriage, and my family.
I will find a way to freedom and peace.
I am moving towards strength and power.
She gently again gave me recommendations for speaking with my husband. "I want you to be fulfilled. I want you happy. We will work out a way."
Ursula reminded me I have choices. I also can make steps to heal regardless of where my husband is at. She said it is important to remind my son when he sees my husband dark, angry or pessimistic with life, tell him soothing words such as, "When daddy is negative, that is his version of reality. That isn't everyone's reality. Everyone has a version. Not everyone lives in a angry world. Lots of people live happy peaceful lives." She says remind him that he gets to decide what kind of world he wants to live in so that he can see he can make decisions to perceive the world as a magical beautiful safe and peaceful place. He doesn't have to see life as his father is right now. She did suggest to me it is important to surround ourselves with men who are calm and grounded. This reminds me of the session last time that I have been desiring to hang out with calm male energy. My son needs this too. It is very important to be balanced and exposed to people who are healing and more at peace.
Ursula was very nice and asked me if I would like to keep this session out of the blog. At first, I thought maybe I should. It is so personal about my marriage. But then I thought maybe this could help someone going through something similar. There is nothing in here that is insulting or mean. It is real, raw and if my husband should read this, I would hope he would see the desire to grow, heal and become more connected with each other to have a better relationship. For all of us. This benefits our family. My husband is a loving, caring and very intelligent person. He is going through a difficult time and it requires patience, love and...tenderness.
We closed the session with thanks.
Partnerships are difficult. We have so many expectation and projections, sometimes it's hard to find the truth between partnership.
As Rebecca grows into her better Self, she is causing her family to shift as well. When people aren't open or ready to the shift, they resist it and tension rises. That's why gentleness is key. We want to treat the family members respectfully while we are changing. It's rougher on them than we realize. The person healing is changing the family dynamics and cultural agreements. The change threatens the relationship in the ways that have existed for years and generations.
As you can see, Rebecca just wanted to fight and scream, like "What's the matter with you! Can't you see this is so obvious!!!" However, it's only obvious to her now, her husband is still in the old paradigm. I know it sounds codependent to speak to him in this way, but he's disempowered at this time. It's for us to have compassion until they can step up and be a responsible partner. Unfortunately, he's not able to show up as a strong partner right now, he doesn't know who she is and therefore it puts him off in his own identity as it relates to her. He's naturally confused and disempowered. If she settles into a rhythm and shows him consistency, he will begin to relax and see how he can participate in her life and satisfy her needs and then they can build a new life together.
Yes, the spiritual path is a long slow journey. Luckily, she's building skills and tools that are providing her with self-care and self-satisfaction. In this version, each other is not responsible for the other's happiness. We are responsible for our own happiness and well-being. Rebecca has her own sense of satisfaction and contribution to the world. When we become more comfortable, our behavior changes. Her son, husband and other family members will pick up on that and see the burden is off of them and they may want to play along in their own version. The tricky part is that this will stir up their own issues and their own parts and then the family has to deal with them too. Eventually, if everybody gets on board, they will be a happier family than they have ever thought they could be. When everyone in the house is self-empowered, safe to emote and share, then life becomes very beautiful and magical.
In self-awareness, we are also becoming aware of boundaries. Things that were so normally excepted before can now be revolting. And the key here is gentle, once again, we must be gentle with ourselves and with others. When we are angry and trying to set boundaries...well you can imagine, that's not going to go over very well. When you're dealing with an angry person and you're trying to set boundaries...that's another situation that will not be successful.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Bad habits were not created in 10 minutes either. Change is difficult and we have to be patient. There's a process going on, there are different elements going on, and it can get very confusing. Bottom line is there's no rush. Anything that is this difficult - apply love and compassion and keep moving in
the right direction.
I had a lot of feelings come up between the last session and this one. I'm healing but things are still shifting and moving forward to be healed. I'm feeling irritations when I would rather feel at peace. I feel impatient at times. I still get nervous and physical symptoms such as acid reflux have gotten stirred up.
I did mention to her that lately I've been desiring male energy. I find it calming.
Ursula says male energy can ground me. She says I'm girly and that I am a high feminine. She says I'm open to sharing and open to talking about my emotions and feelings. Men enjoy watching and being around a high feminine but at the same time they can become "caveman" like. It is nice when go from caveman and turn to their gentle side (become a gentleman). The male energy has a strong urge to help. This feels very grounding to a high feminine. High feminine women are goddesses. They feel and share. But they also must have boundaries.
I was struggling with one issue I am experiencing with my husband. I had a disagreement with a close friend. I spoke of this in a past session. She is very close to me, so arguing and feeling I had to take some distance to heal, was difficult - but in the end it worked out very well because when I was ready, I reached out and we healed the hurt. It was really beautiful. However, it feels as if my husband hasn't forgiven her. He doesn't really want to talk about her much. This hurts. (Actually since the session - just recently - before I wrote this blog entry he said her name in a nice way . I still talk about her and I think he realized I love her - whether or not he forgives - it was nice hearing him utter her name).
Ursula said my husband feels like he is the protector and might feel he failed in protecting me from the hurt I felt with my friend. I didn't ask for protection. However, this is the "caveman" urge.
I then spoke about my nerves on social media. I want to help and do what I can but I also have feelings that I don't want to engage at times.
Ursula said to listen to my parts who don't want to engage. She said it would be very useful for me to put together a social media policy for myself. It creates boundaries and protects.
She reminded me I am in maintenance mode. I'm not on high alert anymore, but it is important to protect myself. She says don't drop the ball. Keep an eye on my inner parts. Be curious. Be happy I don't have to work so hard and climb on rough terrain right now but to also go slow and steady.
It does make sense because I still hear anxiety. It's the voice of the little brother trying to scare the little sister. I talk to him like a strong, patient, loving but confident mom.
We were then ready to go into my subconscious.
The image to pop up was, as I called her, Fire Lady. She was beautiful and wore flowy orange clothes. She was clear in her reason for coming into my mind. She wanted me to take care of myself. She says, Ursula is right, you need a policy. Have a policy for yourself with everything and everyone. You know your parts better now.
Ursula said yes! Policies create boundaries, which create safety, which creates comfort, and playfulness. She said all the steps I'm making to communicate are wonderful. She says I'm speaking in clearer tones, with a direct approach. She said I have my big girl underwear on now. She says my focus should be: How do I communicate using my best self?
She says be careful when I fall into the co-dependent role - the role that says, "if you aren't happy, I'm not happy." She also said it isn't necessary to try and make others happy if I'm not happy. She says sort through my different parts and pick out the right one who can and will communicate to get my needs met. She says I have plenty now to choose from. She said to make sure I work on getting enough sleep. She can see my wires inside me. They have been repaired and there is a light coating on them now. It is important to strengthen this coating. She felt the acid reflux I am feeling is because I need to feel more alkaline. She says to begin with Alkaline thoughts. (I love myself) Alkaline feelings. Focus on Alkaline experiences. Hang with Alkaline people. People who are calming and peaceful.
She understood the frustrations I may feel when I pick up on other people's anger. She says as I change, yes, people may resent it. If they are in an old pattern, they want to repeat their process - it's the one they know. She compared it to a big sister who wants to spoil a present because she is jealous - or can't figure out a way to manage and understand her intense feelings.
She reminded me to keep my energy inside. Keep it safe. It is good. She says I can be me with the new changes. By my actions, if others want to join in, they will see it. She said it's like I'm getting healthy. I want to eat the peas. I feel great. I look great. Others see it. They say, I want that. You tell them, I'm eating peas. Would you like some?
She said sometimes others won't want to change. That's ok. She said you eat your peas. They may feel threatened or uncomfortable to change. Show them compassion. Show them patience. Keep my boundaries in place. She says have gentleness with my changes and others with their process.
Fire lady liked that. She said that's correct. She said she likes to talk to the different parts and trying new things.
I told Ursula I was not drinking coffee as much. Well at least taking a break. Ursula felt that was a good idea. Coffee has a way of jacking the energy up - too much talking and it separates the person from connecting with others. ( I will admit - I understand this and will watch my energy and coffee intake. But I still love coffee. But I am aware to watch it and drink in moderation - or take breaks as needed and drink more calming teas also)
Fire lady was clear she wanted to remind me to be gentle with myself.
Ursula asked me to ask Fire Lady what color would she like to be?
Fire lady said when I'm me, she smiles. She says she will turn to a buttercream color when I'm me.
Ursula said to allow my husband to be caveman right now. He is trying to stabilize as well. He watched me in hysterical mode for a while. Now he sees a calmer more confident me. He needs time to digest the change so he doesn't feel he has to be in protective mode all the time. She says allow him to do this and she feels he will change to gentleman. She says it is a beautiful thing to watch. She says continue with my process because I too am stabilizing. She says, allow the process to unfold. She made a beautiful prayer for me and my family.
We closed the session with gratitude.
After the session I felt electrical, a little anxious. I did take notes during the session. Fire lady didn't seem to mind at all. I decided to take a little walk after the session. I just wanted to feel Fire lady and allow all the beautiful things that came up in the session and Ursula's words to go through me. I wanted to connect with the trees and smell the smells of flowers. I wanted to just feel my presence. It felt good.
Ursula's feedback along with audio version:
So many points to talk about in this session. The main one is that there is no hurry on the Spiritual Path. It's endless. The destination is the step that you are taking right at this moment.
One of my favorite Osho Zen Tarot Cards called Moment to Moment is of a man stepping onto a stepping stone. He is in mid-air and the stones appear before him as he is making the step. Many times along the path we can't see the path in front of us, only the next step, sometimes not even the next step. So the point is, no rush.
I have seen people try and run the path as fast as they can. The path has a way of balance. If we go too fast it will give us a nice crash and have us sit still and recover for weeks and even months. If we go too slow it will create a little storm for us to get off our butts and move forward. It's very much the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. A steady pace is the best way. Taking breaks is an important part of the Spiritual Path, very opposite of the corporate climb for money and power.
Celebrating victories is also an important part of the journey, even the small ones. When Rebecca took her walk after the session to smell the flowers, that's taking a break and celebrating. Doing this for ourselves is nurturing, it fuels us, and gives us clarity so we can make great decisions and be kind.
The Way of Life will not change - death, births, taxes, aging, obstacles, change, authorities, challenges, misunderstandings, and the like will continue. The difference is, on the Spiritual Path, how we respond to them and deal with them will be different.
In this session I could see some wires. They were frayed and the coating was worn off. I can't imagine how the Anxious Part has been running so much energy that the coating wore off! So we put some coating on her nerves.
Making policies with ourselves is a gift. So funny, that many people who I work with are wild rebels. There are parts of me like that too. But these parts seem to get us in more trouble than they are worth. When we start creating self-care and boundaries, life all of a sudden becomes easier. Policies like going to bed before 11pm, having bottled water in the car, and not calling our family member after 5 pm when they start drinking. Asking for more information before we make a decision and stopping ourselves from talking before we say something we regret. These are examples of the policies I am talking about.
That big brother part is one that harasses our scaredy pants part. You know how those menacing brothers will play pranks and jump out from around the corner and scare the younger siblings, just for fun - so they say. Well, if you are the little one, it's torment! Until a parent or adult empowers the little one to see the predictability of the behavior and can start tracking and outsmarting that harassing part. With Anxious Part, she gets going because the system has another part that triggers her into action, like the big brother.
So many aspects, we can see why it's important to take our time and digest things as we go along this path. Enjoy the journey, it's endless. When we stop and smell the flowers, it becomes a very rich and rewarding journey. In the smelling of the flowers, we can also hear that small still voice inside, saying lovely things to us and teaching us powerful simple truths. Enjoy the ride.