oWe began the session talking about all of my feelings which had been rising to the surface since the last session. Feelings of "drama" and anxiety had been stirred. (Well they had been there - but since the last session my tracker was really aware and let me know when they were front and center).
I told Ursula there were things she had said to me during our last session that hadn't really sunk in until the following week after our session. I remembered her saying to me, be aware when drama comes up. And sure enough I became aware and attentive to it. I told her it is so amazing, after our sessions lately, I'm really starting to notice things, noticing my emotions and feelings stirring up and noticing information and tools she has been teaching me which have really begun to make sense and take effect inside me. I feel tingles and shifts taking place inside me.
I spoke about a strong resistance or anxiety towards people speaking with, and I use the term loosely "negative talk". I say this because I do feel people have a right to their feelings and thoughts. I understand they want to share, (so saying it is negative even makes me feel strange now). But basically, when I feel myself being pulled in that direction, I don't like it. I want to pull back into the light. I wasn't sure if that was avoidance. Ursula answered me clearly, no, this was not the case. She said I am now walking my spiritual path and this is what happens when we make a commitment to our true self. She said I don't have to spend any energy trying to change people. She said people are entitled to think and feel what they want. But I can stand up and say, "nope, I want the light. Let's stay in the light." She said, yes, people might get frustrated. She said, it has somehow become the "accepted thing" for people to speak in drama tones or complain. She said, most people feel they need to do this because if they are too happy, they feel, everyone will be irritated. So taking on this tone, they feel, protects them from being judged or people getting jealous.
Well, I admitted I do understand about that. I still have jealousy or weird awkward feelings which do come up when someone tells me all the experiences they are having, or all the accomplishments they have had. However, now that I'm aware, I do announce it though (I say I'm jealous) to close friends or family. I announce my humanness and it feels really good. Ursula really liked that I did that. She said most people won't admit it. It's hard for them to because they don't know they are doing it. I feel really good to do it because it releases some of its potency in me. Also, right after I admit it, I do realize, there is enough to go around. It's great someone is happy or excited, because I have stuff too that I'm happy and excited about as well.
I told her I'm excited about my healing. She encouraged me to go at my own pace. She said don't rush or push. She said why push yourself into something you may not be ready for? I said, thank you. That made me feel really good. I did tell her when the anxiety talks to me, I talk back to it. I'm loving and kind, but also firm. I say well, we are not doing that yet. Or, maybe I don't want to do that. Ursula said great. Great job.
I spoke about my anger with my mom and my husband. I feel guilty when I'm angry at them. So we spoke about releasing that because again, I'm human. I will still go through stuff. It's ok. I really try my best to do the repair work with my loved ones when I'm grouchy, angry, or rude. I want to be better at controlling and managing those emotions. (For the record, because they hear - anxiety, I say to you, I'm not trying to get rid of you - I just don't want you running the show). I don't like being snappy or grumpy.
I have learned so much so far and always feel so supported by Ursula. She guides me to embrace these parts, love these parts, and also give myself credit - I'm acknowledging I would like to work with these parts, so we can heal, grow and move forward.
She encouraged me to talk to my mom, reminding her that I would love to keep an open dialogue with her. It does make me feel more connected. Of course, I want this with my husband too. Wow, as I write this down, stuff from a previous session with Ursula is sparking in my brain. My husband and my mom are in their own heads. They may not be ready to do some of the work that I'm doing (honest raw communication ) and that's ok. I can do this with myself and my parts. Oooooh! So cool that came up as I was writing about this session for this blog.
I spoke about my uncomfortable feelings when people ask how I'm doing. For some reason, I feel like I just want people to look at my face, watch my actions and hear my words. I'm truthful. She said they don't know that. Or at least they may not be where I am. They are in their own heads. She said, they might just want to check in and be loving. So my response could be, "I'm working on myself. I'm moving forward and it feels good." Keep it simple. Give them something they can feel good about. I don't have to go into too much detail.
I also spoke about helping people. I get scared hearing sad stories, still. I'm very sensitive to it all. But...I do want to help. I do feel strong and good when I help others. I just know I have to protect myself and remind myself not to take it all on. But those "drama" feelings really come up at times like these. I'll look back and feel guilty if anxiety or drama came up, even though my reaction and response is calm, cool and collect (on the outside). Inside I'm talking to my parts. I was assured all normal. I was assured all of this is growth and healing taking place.
I was then ready to go into my sub conscious and speak with my drama part who I called Drama Girl. We took a moment to get centered and then asked "Drama Girl" to come forth and show me what she looks like with an image. I could see a girl on roller skates (those are my roller skates in the picture above) snapping her gum. She appeared to have a lot of high energy. I felt a little annoyed with her, but at the same time, it was clear she needed to talk. I was eager to meet and speak with her.
She stated she was angry and frustrated.
Ursula said anger is important. She said listen to anger, listen to what it wants to communicate, but then turn to logic and guide myself to walk towards a solution.
At that point, while I had Drama Girl in my head, I remembered something my mom said. She said when someone is angry (at the time she was referring to an angry boss) she said repeat back what they said to me, clearly and calmly. They will hear the words and either realize how they are talking to me, what they are saying and how they are speaking to me, or they need to take the time to clarify or correct, if I heard it incorrectly. I remembered using it at a job with a boss and it was a really great experience for me. I just remembered that as I was writing this blog. I had that feeling. I've got that tool! I need to use that. I also want to thank my mom for that. It made me happy to think of her so confident and remembering her teaching me.
I was very giddy - I felt it was the energy from Drama Girl. I usually don't take notes during a session, unless Ursula asks me too. But for some reason I didn't want to forget anything. But then I thought - I usually don't forget stuff. Why I am having this need to write everything down right now? I had so much energy running through me. Then I felt Drama Girl was upset because I wasn't paying attention. I had some guilt as I was taking notes. I felt like I should talk about that - and when it was revealed to me that Drama Girl didn't like it - because she felt I was distracted and no longer paying attention to her - I decided to stop taking notes.
Ursula guided me to remember a time - from my past - that really bothered Drama Girl. She was clearly feeling a lot of feelings. I was around 4. My mom dropped me off down the street with a neighbor to take my sister to school. I didn't like it. I feel like that is when Drama Girl showed up. I felt like everyone was labeling me. There's Becky. She is dramatic. I felt ignored and unheard. Just like Drama Girl felt when I was taking notes.
I also remembered a time when I found out my mom had told a lie. I was really angry. I felt like I trusted her and she lied. And the lie stuck with me and caused me fear. (Of course - my mom didn't do this on purpose. No one "makes" you feel a certain way. ) But it really hurt. I was upset. Ursula said it is really hard when you have trust in someone and they let you down. This does hurt. Clearly, Drama Girl, was holding on to a lot of this disappointment, pain, sadness and anger. I was guided to ask her to release this and ask her if she would like to come up with a creative way to express herself now. She said sing. She wanted to sing. She was buzzing around on skates. It was so nice. Ursula said, okay, lets watch her. She is playing. What else? How would she like to play? She wasn't sure. Ursula suggested maybe a dance. Oooh, she liked that. When things get uncomfortable with people or an experience, when I feel Drama Girl wants to pop out, I can do a little dance. It can be obvious or subtle. It can be a real dance or just in my head.
Drama girl really wanted to say how much she liked that Ursula stays calm and that she likes that I'm guided to embrace her and not make her go away. Ursula reassured Drama Girl and all the parts, no one has to go anywhere. They can all be heard. Again, that pop! Right now. As I'm writing, I'm thinking about Ursula who has been telling me from the beginning, all the parts are welcome, but me, Rebecca, my true self makes the decisions. Deep breath inserted here. I get that tingly feeling - a feeling of euphoria - it's excitement but also there is a little anxious feeling. So I say to anxiety right now, it's ok. You are allowed to enjoy the rush of awareness, growth and healing. We are all safe here together.
Drama Girl was reassured and felt more comfortable knowing she has a place and she was heard. We talked to her and said when there is that "oooooh I feel dramatic" feeling getting stirred - we can listen to her - then we will take a deep breath - look at the facts and use logic to move forward. Just like I did recently when helping someone I care very much for who was struggling with something. I stayed calm. I stayed on path. I got to help. I was thanked. I felt good that I had helped.
I was guided to release these intense feelings - anger, disappointment, pain, sadness. Drama Girl was swirling in a fast circle on her skates and released them with me.
Drama Girl felt really good to express herself. We thanked her for showing up. I told her I'm proud of her. I told her I'm glad we got to talk and that she's somebody who will be fun to work with from now on. She brought up some truths for me.
(Woosh - I felt some pressure in my chest as I wrote all this down. Which is okay. Drama Girl it's ok. I am just writing about the session. I love you. Remember we are ok. You are safe. Even when the feelings come up - you and are will work together. I just got up and did a little dance.
I feel very aware - when I feel the truth is not being spoken - or communication between me and someone else is blocked because they won't talk to me - or when I'm feeling I'm pushing myself too hard - Drama Girl will come out. So.....(I just hugged myself and rubbed my back) - we will love each other really tight and work through it with logic and the facts. (Drama girl put the thumbs up on that one)
We ended our session with thanks. Wow! Really cool session.
And Ursula wrote:
As we do our work and start creating more space inside of us there's a different arrangement that happens within our parts. For instance, if an inner bully was running the show before, making us feel bad about ourselves and then we calm down the bully, then the other parts can relax.
But then when everybody starts relaxing and actually enjoying themselves other parts might start feeling nervous, because they're used to somebody mean running the show.
In Rebecca's case, she didn't have a bully but she has an anxious part that was now being replaced by a drama part.
Anxious Parts have been able to calm down. She's healed quite a bit. So drama girl thinks she should stir some things up because Rebecca's system is used to a certain amount of chaos.
And this process will cycle through until the system gains more and more trust for her true self.
I'm always saying that trust is earned. When we meet new people or we join a new group, we learn to trust through experiences and time.
It's the same way on our inward journey.
Trust is also earned by facing challenges, having uncomfortable conversations. We observe what is said and we watch the behavior.
People who are trustworthy have a tendency to believe that everybody else is trustworthy just like them. And that's when we tend to get stomped on. So people who are innocent, like Rebecca, have to actually work at not being so trusting and letting trust be earned little by little. Yes, even in the internal world.
We've worked on anxiety and now Rebecca has a strong relationship with anxiety. She is able to speak with it directly and manage anxiety levels, understand what triggers the anxious parts, and walk through the challenges that are happening.
Things were calm for a while and I knew somebody was going to poke their head up to challenge the calmness. Sure enough in walks drama girl, much more mild than Anxiety. Drama girl is very human. Our social structure makes it easy to connect and communicate to the lowest common denominator. Watch when people gather - what they speak about. It's usually complaining about authorities, picking on somebody who's bright and shiny or an easy target. When people agree on something they feel connected to each other. And it's our human nature to agree on negative things. We have a tendency to all carry fear. We don't say, "Good afternoon, my name is Ursula and I'm afraid, how are you?"
That would actually be pretty funny.
But behind every negative comment is a discomfort, if you kept digging down and asked why, it would be some underlying fear.
But instead of exploring all of that we just agree, because fitting in is very important to us.
When we fight so hard to conquer our demons and our dragons we want to protect that beautiful space that we are creating inside. We want to be gentle and kind all the time. We want to be around people who are gentle and kind. We want the people who we love to feel safe inside like we're feeling.
We enjoy the freedom and we want to share that.
That's sort of the rub on becoming a more awake and aware person;
Our family relationships. They see us doing sessions and being more introverted and thoughtful and taking time to process and communicate. We are changing our behavior. Most of the time when people start going to the gym or wearing their hair differently, it's just a matter of time where they'll revert back into their normal behavior. So when family members see us starting to change our ways they're sitting back, saying to themselves, "uh hah, let's see how long this will last."
But when we're consistent and we're softening or setting better boundaries, they become uncomfortable. So now it's not challenging enough to be on point with ourselves we're noticeably causing discomfort in our household and in our close relationships.
Of course we're excited and we want everybody else to feel as happy and empowered as we do, so we get on the rah rah cheerleader team and want everyone else around us to change too. Which then ends up being annoying to them. Eventually we calm down and just work on ourselves and work on accepting others as they are. Slowly, slowly they will begin to adjust. And as we are building trust within our own selves, we're also earning trust of being our new way with those around us.
The spiritual path sounds so lovely sometimes, but you see there's plenty of work. It takes diligence and consistency and a ton of patience. I would say the most prevalent condition of the spiritual path is to be kind, kind to yourself and kind to others around you as you change. This is a true sign of the spiritual path Traveler.
I began this session excited to tell Ursula I was ready to wean off the medication now. I was feeling very confident about my decision. I spoke with the psychiatrist and he was fine. But when I spoke with my acupuncturist, she actually was more resistant to the idea. But I was proud of myself, because I took the time to explain my confidence, how I felt, and in the end my acupuncturist got it, understood, and actually ended up seeing my point. It feels really good to be a place of strength.
Yes, the doubts came up. But I also felt good about my decisions. Ursula was really proud of me. She felt my strength. I also told her about an experience at the dentist. My OCD feelings came up, but I was honest with the technician, and he ended up helping me to feel safer and more comfortable. Again, Ursula was so proud of me. She said I was hitting homeruns. Hearing her say that made me feel so good.
I told her when I begin to feel more confident, the panicky parts start to get a little louder. She said it is okay to back off a little and sort through the parts when the panicky parts want to talk. It is okay to breathe and go slowly so I can talk to all the parts and keep walking my path, be my true self, who is healing and growing stronger.
We spoke of my strong feelings about my husband. I have been very frustrated that he won't shave off his long beard. I just don't like it. I feel guilty that I don't like it. He says he still the same man. But I am not attracted to the beard, at all.
Ursula felt there is a possibility that the beard is a mask my husband feels he needs right now. He clearly doesn't want to shave because I asked him to, so it is time to back off, and stop asking. She reassured me it is okay to have these feelings and not feel attracted. I can't deny my feelings.
Again, the theme here is let all the parts communicate and feel what they feel, but don't fall into drama or anxiety and allow those two parts to run the show. Ursula said, anxiety should be allowed to speak, but just not control everything.
I shared this tingling I get in my stomach. It is interesting because it feels like there is confusion about this new confidence I feel. I can feel anxious and confident at the same time.
We went into my parts.
Ursula guided me to see the confidence is the real me. The confusion is a feeling that I remember getting when a teacher would say something that I didn't agree with. But he/she would say things with such confidence and with a stern voice. But I would sit there confused by my feelings that I didn't agree with what was being said. I still go through that now.
She reminded me I have a voice now. I can stand up for myself. Look what I have been doing. Yes, there may be anxiety or OCD that comes up, but the cool part is I allow them to be heard and then I make confident decisions to move forward.
It is interesting to me that my anxiety shifted from being in my chest to being in my stomach. I have tinglies a lot. I have them before a walk or a drive. I may have it when I'm walking with my son. Sometimes I have it when I go for a drive with our little dog. She said allow it to come up, embrace it, and then talk to it with love and kindness.
It feels like I'm on a roller coaster. I feel like I'm swirling. Or actually I feel euphoric feelings rise to the surface as well. When I listen music and emotions and feelings come up - it feels like that when I ride the waves of all my emotions - talking to all my parts.
Ursula reminded me to embrace it all.
We ended our session with thanks.
That feeling of tingling is when a block is removed and energy starts flowing again. As a metaphysician, I see things in the context of energy. We are a unit of energy, swirling around. Each organ and system, each cell, everything in constant flow, similar to the blood flow. When we have punched-in-the-gut feeling, weight-of-the-world on our shoulders, or when you see people slumped over in despair, that's all our energy. We wear our emotional states of being inside our bodies. It's a record of our life. Just like our reactions to life, our points of view, our fears and insecurities come from the accumulation of our life experience, our body is the record keeper of these meaningful events, the good bad and ugly. So when a block is emotionally removed, the body detects it and now a flood of energy can come rushing through. It's so fun!
This issue about knowing something is one way and having others tell us it's not is a huge issue. I wish I could go up to every three year old and say, "Listen to your own gut, your own intuition, your own clarity. Just because these people are bigger than you, doesn't mean they have it all right." I strongly believe that when we are born, we are coming from a heavenly state, one of true connection with the allness of the universe. Then we sort of forget where we just were and have a curiosity about who are we and how did we get here. Who are these people and what games are we to play now. But when situations present themselves that have us drawing a conclusion that we are less than, unworthy, not loveable or unimportant, well that's the sadness that puts a big damper on what could be a joyful playful life. When I see a happy kid, I want to kiss and hug the parents. When we have that feeling of knowing what is True, yet being convinced that it is not, we get very confused and eventually turn on ourselves. We push what we think and feel aside, for years on end. We can eventually reverse this, by doing our spiritual path work, this subconscious work, take a year off and travel, do service work, deal with a sickness or disease, there are so many ways of remembering what we were made to forget.
Ursula always sets up a wonderful energy around us before each session which I feel really helps me relax on this journey.
During this session I really felt how important that step is because when I'm seeing these parts in pain or distress - having that beautiful calming step in the beginning helps me also feel kindness and love towards them when facing these dark parts. I have been a little angry or afraid with the dark parts - but slowly with practice I am now feeling intrigue and compassion for them.
At first we spoke of the anxiety that has been still coming and rising to the surface either when I'm feeling good, or of course when I'm stretching myself a little bit.
Ursula reassured me this is very normal. She praised me for all the hard work I'm doing - again - reminding me this is hard work. She said of course the bully parts (the bully older brother) wants to try harder to scare little Rebecca. He has been using his tactics for so long - and now they aren't working all the time. He figures he needs to kick up his game. But she noticed I'm getting better at talking back to him.
She was impressed how she noticed I'm using my "tracker" part who can watch the "meanies" and the dark voices. She says know I'm listening more to Rebecca - my true self. She noticed I'm able to sift through it a little better. Progress - even small baby steps - is progress.
I talked about my fears about getting better. What does this mean? What expectations will others have of me? What expectations do I have? There is so much work ahead. When I look at it like that the small steps lose their value.
She reminded me growth is growth. I don't have to push myself. She said actually pushing yourself too hard causes resistance. Nice and easy. She said let it flow. Pull back when you need to. She said to pull back just to see how far I've come. She said it's important to let anxiety know we are safe, we are working slowly, and we are working all together.
She wants me to take that precious time to acknowledge all the hard work I'm doing. Enjoy going for a small walk. Enjoy going for a little longer walk. Stepping outside. Getting up. Reminding myself to take a deep breath. I'm trying to take the time to give myself credit for doing the self healing work.
I began to get really tingly during and after the session. But really tingly when I started writing notes about the session. Ursula said that's a good sign the energy inside me is moving around. I like that image.
Two parts showed up during this session.
A blues singer with black hair. She had a dark brooding side - with a passionate wounded heart. ( I thought of Amy Whinehouse.) This part showing herself liked to hide in dark bars, felt so much pain, and she wanted to mask it any way she could. She knew she had an addiction to anxiety and numbing the pain. It was interesting too that she came up - because Ursula talked to me about some parts (anxiety and drama) being like addicts. They only know pain. They want to hide from the pain. They can't stop attracting themselves to the pain. But their wounded kind hearts really don't want the pain any longer - but they have become addicted to it - as a way of life. These parts were getting a high from feeling anxiety. It isn't a happy high. But they freeze up and the fear that runs through their body, like a drug. It gets in there and does its thing. But this part, she liked to sing her pain out. She just didn't want to be in this dark bar feeling so sad all the time. She wanted to accept her pain, move past it, and do something more positive with it. She felt embarrassed because she feels like everyone is looking at her and that makes her sad.
Another part - a sad part as well - came in the image of a more snobby and put together woman. She was drinking mint juleps. She was Southern. She looked down on the blues singer. She felt she was flawed but no one had to know, at least she could hide it. She had her drinks. She could keep her shame and disappointment from others. She didn't like how exposed and dirty the blues singer looked. This made the blues singer felt her and it hurt her feelings.
Ursula said we should invite them to talk to each other - with kind voices. I said, yes. It felt like they had so much in common and I felt once they talked they could be friends and support each other. I could feel them agreeing with me.
Ursula suggested we upgrade the bar the blues singer was in and the mint julip lady was happy. So was the blues singer. Ursula said she could feel the dingy bar with sticky floors and drug addicts. She felt the blues singer didn't need to be in that environment any more. So I conjured up a beautiful bar, with dark beautiful wood - very clean and classy. Both of them were very happy with the results. They didn't have to feel guilty about their feelings. They didn't have to hide. They could talk and relate. They deserved a clean nice place and a new friendship with each other.
Look at that! These two characters living in my subconscious and they figured out being human - having and experiencing sadness, anxiety and pain is nothing to feel ashamed about - but support and love was necessary to move on.
We talked about how shamed I have felt and how frozen I've felt that I created these dark parts and the dark world of anxiety. I've felt this has been my punishment. I don't know what I exactly did that I would deserve all this punishment. It appears my mistakes, errors, and misjudgments have been human. I've tried to repair them as much as possible. But still I have this struggle to forgive myself and love and like myself with all of this going on.
During the session when emotions come fast and strong I felt myself becoming sleepy. I almost fall asleep. I'm very aware that this is a part of me that gets intimidated by the work. I will tell Ursula so she knows we need to remind that part - it's safe to discuss this stuff. We are going slow and with love.
We slowly asked the blues singer and the mint julep lady to release their wounded feelings. All the sadness, shame, angry, jealousy, etc - could now be released so we could all heal together. We took the time to tell them yes it will take time to recover. It's ok. But now we are working together with more love, tolerance and compassion and according to Ursula we can face that all of this pain might be some kind release for pain that has been carried in my family for generations. She felt I'm here to feel all of these feelings and face it through all of these parts.
It was wonderful because Ursula spoke to them about bringing out their creativity to heal. I love that word. It's such an inspiring uplifting word because so much can happen when you begin to create a way to heal through words, art, and communication.
Lately I've been wrapping my arms around myself when I begin to feel overwhelmed. This is new for me. I've been suggesting to friends to try this too. When I begin to spiral or become really anxious I just sort of either hug myself or give myself a light rub on the arms and say, "It's ok. What can I do? It's ok. It's ok to feel."
It really was an awesome session. I really got tingly. I got even more tingly as I began to write about the session. My energy was bouncing throughout my body, mind and spirit.
I felt two women inside of me - from two different lifestyles and invited them to come together to heal and relate. I would love to see more of this in the world. I realize we are all unique and different at times. But we all do have a common core mission (I feel) and that is to connect and relate with each other, right? I mean, why not? I guess you can spend time comparing and judging each other. I've done plenty of that. Or.....(and I'm doing more of this) you can find things you like about each other. Things that inspire you. Things that maybe you wouldn't do but you can honor and compliment someone else for doing them. The real deal - is doing that for yourself first. I really believe this is necessary. It is the running theme in my book Mental Girl. I needed the reminder. Love yourself. Spend time liking yourself. And then - you have this practice inside of you and you can do it for others. In this case, these two different intense sensitive women - who had something in common - now became friends. I saw them holding hands, laughing and hanging in this beautiful classy bar. We talked them into being together instead of being mean to each other.
As we do this work I feel Ursula and I hand in hand. We are working through this process as a team and she tells me she benefits just as much as I do.
I'm so thankful for these sessions and Ursula's amazing ability and talent to guide me through every step of this healing work.
This was one of my favorite sessions. It was like watching a whole movie. These two characters in the bar were very detailed and personalized. I could clearly see what their attitude about life was and how they got there. I don't blame them at all. I really don't blame most people for their behavior. I know, all too well, emotions drive behavior. Emotions are created based on experiences. That's also where most of our beliefs come from. We are either taught that life is such and such or we come to our own conclusion.
That's why it's so important to talk with children and ask them what they think or feel about situations. Most of our internal set up comes from before age 9. It's amazing. I am a youth minister. I like teaching children about spirituality and making good choices in their life. Here I am working with inner children, helping them heal old ideas.
Speaking of old ideas. Why would Rebecca have a couple of drinkers in her system?! More and more scientific studies are proving that trauma get imbedded in our DNA and get handed down for generations. Doesn't it make sense that guilt, shame, and secrets would also be stuck in there? Those secrets, they can brutal, because what I have seen happen is it skips a generation, like blue eyes, grandparents to grandchildren. So if grandpa was a cheater, then son or daughter is having a happy normal life and all of a sudden their children are sneakers and off they go ruining everything.
I love my work. These sessions are so helpful, it's the best use of my life, what we can do in one hour is incredible. Lifetimes of garbage can get cleaned up, people can breath again, and future generations won't have to suffer from these things. I do a considerable amount of prayer and meditation. It keeps my human parts out of the work and let's energy flow through me. I am super blessed that I can serve in this manner.
I love this phrase. Ursula reminded me during one's healing we are doing a lot of work. But even after some healing is done, it is still important to stay with the basics.
Do the work which embraces who you are, embraces and enhances my true self, and also embraces my healing in all its forms.
Chop Wood, Carry Water is about a monk who reaches enlightenment, after doing daily work of chopping wood and carrying water up a hill each day. After reaching enlightenment he wants to know what is next. His guides or advisors, say "Chop Wood, Carry Water." Every day.
I am making a lot of changes, healing, and moving forward. While making these changes, healing and moving forward I am also desiring to practice healthier habits for me and my family. I am asking my son to change some habits which I feel will improve his life as well as mine. It feels as if he and my husband are resisting. This is frustrating to me. I feel angry at times. Ursula guided me to talk to my parts, encouraging myself, not to get into too much drama about this, but to realize just because I am changing - that doesn't mean everyone in my life is just going to jump on my bandwagon and make the changes - even if it will improve their lives. They might show some resistance. They also might realize, hey, she has a point, and make the changes themselves, but slowly.
She reminded me not everyone in my family has the tools yet that I am learning and they may not even see a reason to change their habits. I was honest that frustration and irritation do rise up inside me. Ursula gently guided me to keep in mind if I calm the frustrated and irritated parts and come from logic there may be a way to communicate my reasons and experiences with them. My calm and peaceful attitude, will guide me to share and communicate in in a way that will either help them understand and also soothe me with the knowledge and realization they need to figure things out in their own time as I am doing .
This requires a lot of patience on my part. A lot.
She suggested not to poke or prod. Be direct. Be honest. But also speak with compassion, patience and love to my family and myself.
We went in to do some internal work and see which parts came forth.
The first part came in the image of a beautiful, fierce, and strong woman. Her hair was all pulled up, her shoulders back, and she had a lot of confidence. She wanted to tell it like it is. She wanted to push back a little. Ursula said she is awesome but she needs to be reminded that when you push and yell at people, you may get a response that will not work in your best interest. She said, when you yell and get too sassy, it may send the mood into a intense place. Basically, she said, don't poke the beast.
The next part who showed up was a scared little girl. Ursula said she needs to be protected. Yes, the fierce strong woman said she would protect her. I was guided to tell her she can speak her mind to me but to be careful how she speaks to others because it is scaring the little girl part in me who doesn't want to poke a beast and have things get worse. Ursula asked me to ask the fierce strong woman if she understood. She said yes and said she would protect the little girl and practice being careful with her words. The scared little girl part got to be heard and understood. The fierce strong woman, still with her shoulders back and feeling even more confident, now has a great job to do.
An anxious part showed up as well. I can't remember if it came in an image. But it was clear that it didn't need to worry. We have this taken care of - there was no need for anxiety to start stirring the pot.
Ursula guided me to release some strong emotions of anger, sadness, fear of the unknown (these were stuck in my chest and I could feel them) .
A lot of great stuff come up today.
We closed the session with thanks and gratitude.
It was a lovely and very empowering session.
The section of our session with the strong fierce lady and little girl is a very common occurrence in our systems. We have a hurt part of us, and then another part of us who wants to protect that hurt part. The protector continues to protect but doesn't realize it comes with a price. We do this, and we do this for years.
Who hasn't been hurt?
What do we do with those hurt parts of us? What are you, the reader or listener doing yourself? Typically we stuff it down, through eating, denying, avoiding, or we go into defender mode, through, perfectionism, defensiveness, blame and anger.
Guess what though, the hurt part stays buried for years to come. We end up as adults with these patterns and we don't even know why we are behaving this way to begin with.
It's to eventually be fed up enough with ourselves that we say, "Okay, I need some help here, what I am doing is NOT working."
Look around at the results of your life and see if that's what you want. If not, the path is waiting for us. Every step of the way. It's as if we decided to go trekking around in the woods and go off the path and wonder why it's so hard to get anywhere. The right way, the way that has been proven and provided for us, is right there, a few yards away.
We suffer and wonder what's the matter. The answers are inside of us. We can get the protectors inside to back down and stop making matters worse rather then better, we can tap her out, take her off the losing battle post and give her a break, then go to what really is the matter. That we have been hurt. That no one has bothered to comfort us and help us. That we haven't had the awareness to do that for ourselves all these years of our lives. When we can put our weapons down and look into our hurt hearts and say, "ahhh, so sorry." All that commotion can calm down. We can stop being aggressive towards ourselves and others. Inner peace may be experienced for the first time in this regard.