I'm really in the thick of it right now. At times, I feel the hopeful side of me, other times, because the daily panic attacks that start my day come like clockwork – I get such an overwhelming exhausted, gloom and doom feeling that I'm not healing.
Of course, with Ursula, letting all of this out – I feel safe and nurtured immediately. Yes, my panic side will say, “she is going to be done with you soon. You aren't doing the work!” But no. She says quite the opposite. She says not only am I doing the work, but it seems normal, as I face these fears – they get louder.
There is a mental dance here; this work we do. I just begin to talk and she seems to know what I need.
Ursula went right to work. She wanted all these mean parts to come forth. She asked me to write them down.
There was Fearful. Fearful says, “You will be alone. Future is bleak for you.” He knocks and knocks and wants to talk.
Doom: Hangs with fear. Oh boy. They get the ball rolling. Doom says, “You're stuck with this. You can't get out.” Isn't that fun!
PAIN: Oh pain hurts. But it too doesn't say nice things. It says “You're weak. You can't fight this.”
Then comes PANIC: “You can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do it. I'm too scared. How am I going to get out? People don't understand how sick I am. I can't just stop the thoughts.”
Along comes WORRY: “You didn't heal this when it first started. Now it's stuck. Now what? How are you going to manage without your mom? How are you going to mange when people get tired of you living like this. People will quit you.”
Ursula, with so much confidence, strength, and support says, - “Wow, what a highly imaginative joy ride these guys take you on. They all sound so mean.” She feels now that I am observing and trying to monitor them, they are getting fussy. They like to take over. My inner being is saying “NO!”
I was then guided to pull forth my sweet sides.
There was the SOOTHER voice. Firm but says, “Stop it. Soothe your heart. This voice says turn on a guided meditation. Go to bed early. Take care of yourself right now. It is a nurturing voice and says, "It's ok. You attract good things. Look at the wonderful people around you supporting you, having faith in you. You are making steps. You are doing something about it." The soother knows the “mean” voices aren't really me.
BRAVE. Brave says, “keep trying . Try anything. Connect. Be vulnerable."
HOPE says "other people have healed. You can too. Take your time. You have good healers and doctors. They all say it takes time. Keep doing the work. Look at your family and friends. They love you as you are."
SWEET says "stay observant and look at all the good stuff that is around you. Look at the pretty flowers. You are allowed to smile, even though you are in pain. Yes, look at the butterfly. Laugh at the silliness."
RESPONSIBLE says, "let's keep going. We have stuff to do. You are strong and can do this." This is the nice coach. "You can do it. Just one foot first. You've been doing. Yes, it's hard. But let's keep going."
Ursula was so wonderful and so specific with her words to me in this session. It's as if she knew my inner self wanted her to tell me these things so the mean voices could hear. She said I'm sweet. She said I worry about sweet things. She says I'm a child who sees the beauty in life and cares. She sees the innocence in me. She guided me to remember to watch, be observant at the patterns that have been created with these mean parts. She says my TRUE SELF is completeness. This TRUE SELF doesn't care about the panic or the pain. It is just IS. She says TRUE SELF feels and believes:
It's hanging out.
She says, Rebecca, me, is watching all of it.
She says she can see it's as if the mean voices and the sweet voices battle. We ended up coming up with the MEANIES VS SWEETIES - like a ball game.
She says try and sit next to your TRUE SELF. Rebecca and TRUE SELF – together can watch the dialogue between the voices. She says to be neutral and observe. The meanies like to hog my attention. They say the same thing over and over and over again. The sweeties try to send love and remind everyone we can do this.
The sweeties want my attention too. They want me to remember the beauty, the hope, and the strength I have inside me.
She says to watch the ball be passed pack and forth.
She says we are doing work to change the patterns in my mind/brain.
She explained to me about the brain. The brain creates patterns. When the patterns are created, a groove is made. So it stands to reason, because these MEANIES have been talking, a groove was created. Well the SWEETIES want a chance to fill in that groove.
She calmly and so kindly said, it's ok. I was wired differently. So we will take the time to create new patterns, new ways of thinking, so I can live a calm and peaceful life.
She spoke to the MEANIES for me. She was so loving, direct, and understanding. It was beautiful to hear.
We closed the session and the underlining message – was – I AM working. I AM working through all of these issues. It's not easy. It's challenging. I am doing the work but I can choose not to do it with the pressure of perfection.
Ursula's feedback on the session:
Audio version: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/20-Mar-18-Mental-Girl-e1juas/a-a2pghc
Rebecca is gaining ground. Just like in sports, when a team is loosing, they will fuss more, argue with the ref, make more noise. Because she is gaining ground, gathering support, getting braver and more clear, those negative parts inside of her are becoming more obvious, so they look bigger and seem louder. We have reduced the inner chaos enough for her to spot them!
The next level now is to be able to separate them from her. So they don't hijack her so much.
When you shine the light on the cockroaches, they run and hide. When her True Self comes out, the dark parts can't take over.
By separating these parts and identifying them, we can track who they are, what their phrases are and study their relationships to each other.
The Sweeties not only are trying to show Rebecca they are there too, putting up a good defense to the Meanies' offense, but they are also there FOR the Meanies. If the Meanies could calm down enough, they would be able to receive loving kindness from the Sweeties.
For now, we were able to identify much of what has been going on under the surface. Knowledge is power. Rebecca also has the tools to talk to these parts and manage them, to a degree, until we can address them one at a time.
Getting to a state of overwhelm, did not happen in one day, it happens in stages of events in our lives. Healing takes a sequence of sessions, developing more trust for Rebecca and her ability to BE with these parts and here for those parts. Not too bad, considering the alternative.
From last week to this week, my parts have been talking LOUD. I mean loud. It's as if they all want to talk at the same time. This morning I woke up with so much fear, it took everything I had to get up and start the day.
As I stood there trembling and trying to function, I had a flashback when I was young with the exact feeling. It was "I can't do this. I'm scared. I don't like this. Why do I have to go through this?" Again, like pleading, why can't I be normal.
I really felt the flashback. I also felt the realization I never dealt with those feelings. So here they are.
It was hard this morning.
I'm feeling. So many feelings. Thinking so many thoughts.
It's as if I'm that little girl thrown into this timeline and I don't know what I'm doing.
I have a session tomorrow with Ursula.
I would like to find that strong Rebecca again. Or at least open the door, invite her in, and figure all this out.
Ursula did say she thought she has seen big changes in me from the first session to the last. In fact, she sounded so giddy about it, after reading my words on our last session.
I don't see it. I feel more scared. But I do like her giddiness. She is outside looking in and I would like to believe what she sees in me, the strength, the real Rebecca, is really there. Even more, I want to see her.
It was a beautiful session with Ursula. When I say beautiful, I need to state here, that a lot of intense stuff came up. But doing this work with her, having her guide me so gently, kindly and with so much support is a beautiful experience.
We spoke of all the fears that have been rising since we started. I didn't expect to be dealing with this much intense emotion so quickly.
When we went in and began our work we spoke to the little girl who was nervously biting her nails. She was terrified. We broke it all down. She was feeling shame, scared, nervous, hopeless, and ashamed. She wanted to know, "Why is this me? Why I am different? Why can't I be normal?" This was hard work talking to her. She was really scared. I'm really scared. And I want to be there for her AND me.
I was really looking forward to finding Rebecca (strong Rebecca). We spoke to her. The real Rebecca. Yes, I saw her before me, thin and nervous....but here. She was standing next to the young, nail biter, ready to work with her; be her support and guide.
I got to stand imagining the young me and the strong Rebecca and throw out what no longer serves us.
Ursula guided a lot and spoke more in this session than me. It was as if she knew I needed to hear her words. I was so glad we were in sync. She guided me through my emotions carefully, slowly, calmly and with so much assurance to come out from my hiding places.
I grew up in a unhealthy environment gathering fears and insecurities. There is no blame. No one's fault. Everyone did the best they could. They just didn't know how to deal with all of it either. My fears were never dealt with. I didn't feel normal. So I came up with anxiety to protect me. I am wired differently than others. No one really knew how to deal with it. Again, they did the best they could with the knowledge and experience they had at the time. But now, I have to deal with it and it is very scary.
Now I'm older and this “anxiety protection” no longer serves me. I've been around a while with experiences and people who tell me I am loving, caring and compassionate. The people around me now are telling me how wonderful, kind, funny, spirited, sweet and good I am. Growing up, I didn't feel I was these things.
I was guided me to remember who I am. That I am going from a chaos state to healthy one and this takes time, patience and love.
I am to be consistent with a healing program. I need to recover from the stress and be good to myself. I am working on setting up a plan – so my body can begin the healing process and head toward thriving and feeling good about myself.
I am working on daily mediation, taking herbs, getting acupuncture, and any meds (with the supervision of doctors) I need to keep calm. I am calling on all help – any help – to help me grow and remember who I really am.
I was guided to keep things simple – yet remember when the anxiety shows up – I can remind it – nope – we aren't doing things like that anymore. We are doing things differently.
As I heal – as I progress – I hear the rumblings and challenges of anxiety. Again, it feels it was protecting me and thinks all the what ifs keep me safe.
Well NOW I want to be safe using my own language, my own experiences, trust in life; trust on myself and create a happy, loving life with my family.
I don't need to use anxiety to figure things out. I can now use love.
I pray using all the tools I have at my disposal (which I am thankful for) and keep moving forward. I can get through this. I want to get through this. I know that. The real me, the real Rebecca, knows this....and I'll just keep reminding myself.
Ursula's feedback from this session:
In this session, Rebecca turned a corner. She is so much clearer now. Before we started, she said, "I remember my real Rebecca."
That's our most real self. It's the truest version of who we know ourselves to be; when we feel most natural and free to be ourselves, when the people we are with love us unconditionally, and are actually interested in what we have to say next.
For myself, as a kid, I remember playing, unsupervised, with my cousins on their farm, or cruising my neighborhood on my bike alone, riding in the middle of the road in the early evening as the sun was setting. We feel great when we feel that sense of freedom and power to just be.
When Rebecca said she recalled her real Rebecca, it means that she is not overwhelmed by all the other parts. They were calm enough to let her see the light of day. Sometimes our parts will take over so much that we forget who we are. They crowd our mind and pull our emotions in so many directions. It's unkind and exhausting. When we do this internal work, it's as if we are holding too many cards in our hands and don't know which one to pull next. We feel pressured to play the next round and don't know how to even play the game! This work allows us to just stop, make all the players and pressure go away and lay out all the cards and look at them. It creates space and time in our inner world. We can talk to the parts that seem like troublemakers and get them to calm down by listening to them and negotiating something better for the whole system.
I know it seems backwards, how could anxiety possibly protect?
Anxiety has a ton of energy. Anxiety is the opposite of shutting down. When we feel scared or threatened, our system knows it's not safe to shut down, so it opts for ramping up. Survival. What a way to go, chaos all around and anxiety seems to just match the energy instead of become consumed by it. See? Now it makes perfect sense.