We began the session unveiling my thoughts and feelings including vulnerabilities and fragility. We spoke about the "stuff" I want to work on and through.
I spoke about some little girl feelings which come up with old friends. I had the "nobody likes me" and "they don't care about me" thought come up. It really hurt. I revealed I was feeling sad. I felt I wasn't seen or heard in a situation with some longtime friends. I felt like the odd man out. I had a fitful sleep over it. However, in the morning I took a walk and spoke to myself. I knew there was no ill will. I knew there was no proof any of these thoughts being true. I know my friends love me and like me. The issue was I didn't want to do the plans they were....well planning. I wanted to meet for brunch and coffee. They all wanted to meet for dinner and wine.
Ursula helped me see as I'm moving forward and healing I am making choices to do things for my best interest. She says that "odd man out" feeling is a normal response to discomfort - and when that part comes up - the "odd man" - which was me - felt attacked. It's OK. She says - alcohol does bring a different mix into the picture. That's just not my thing. Okay - so maybe these hurt - little girl - feelings weren't necessarily true - but I felt them - so they should be listened to with a loving heart and then released to my wisdom and solution based self.
I spoke of my frustration when out with friends and the conversation appears to be 6 degrees of life is shit. For some reason, so many people I know really relish in the "complaint" department. I can do it too. Now - I'm fine with venting and sharing thoughts. But where are the solutions? If it's just going to be a round and round pow wow of how crappy things are - nope - I don't want a part of that. But what do I do? I feel so uncomfortable as I sit there and listen. What could I say or do that doesn't come across as rude, controlling or critical to "them"?
Ursula said when people stay in the "complaining" section of life - it is a low vibration. It's stagnant and murky. She says it's clear my frustration is my stronger parts standing up for myself and saying "No. This doesn't work for us. We don't see life like this. We don't want to see life like this. Get out of this stickiness." It's like quick sand. As I heal - my thinking and behavior are now going against the grain. People can become addicted to complaining. This is a huge step up for me. I am learning it's important to set boundaries with people and if I don't want to listen to the toxic complaining - with no solutions in sight - it is my right and duty to myself to set those clear boundaries, protect myself and for lack of a better term - scoot out of there.
Ursula reminded me I'm a truth speaker. And being a truth speaker can be challenging. It doesn't mean I know the truth or I know everything. It just means I'm willing to be in the truth. I'm willing to call things out. I'm willing to walk through the sticky stuff with the goal of healing and becoming stronger and more connected. I'm willing to work on my stuff. I'm willing to call myself out if need be. But again - some people want to stay in their truth - which may appear to me - sticky and murky.
So what to do?
She reminded me not to go spouting and preaching to people about my work. If they aren't ready - not only will they not listen - but they might become agitated, feel lectured and criticized. It's OK that they aren't ready. People are going at their own pace. They are living the way they see fit.
However - I still need to set those boundaries. Take deep breaths. Take a walk. Try and shift the conversation. "Hey, does anyone want to play a game?" I can pleasantly and peacefully try to steer the conversation to a better place. It's not controlling. It's suggestive. Now if they don't want to or are unwilling I have the right to leave. I can remove myself from the muck.
We spoke about the improvements with my husband. We have been communicating much better. I have been standing up for myself. I have been calmly, clearly, and confidently speaking through my confident, creative and connected self. When I don't feel he is ready or willing to listen - (again - he is going at his own pace) I don't badger him. I try to be respectful of his feelings, but at the same time very respectful of mine. Oh and I told her - happily - the beard is still off.
Ursula gave me praise for all the work I'm doing. She validated and reassured me the stuff coming up is OK. Again, the beautiful reminder is, "Chop Wood, Carry Water." Keep the flow forward.
We were ready to work with my subconscious.
The image which came up was a drum. A big drum - like one someone in a marching would have - and holding a big stick with a poof at the end. I could feel the pounding in my chest. I saw this huge drum walking down the streets beating to the music. Boom...boom....boom....(not loud - just a steady beat). It was moving with the rhythm of its surroundings and the music.
The message from this drum was listen to the beat.
I have my own music.
I can wait and be patient and set my own individual beat.
I can listen to others and still set my own beat and move through life so that I'm not too loud or too soft.
I heard the message - move through life - sometimes pause on the beat until I can feel where the music (life) is heading.
It's OK, to take a beat.
Take that breath before proceeding with an action - especially before a reaction.
There will be times the music (life), the sounds, might be a bit annoying or loud. People are voicing their strong loud opinions - they are giving their monologue. It's like with a classical concert and the saxophone, trumpet or trombone gets loud......you might sit there thinking - I don't like this part. Well, I want to remember just wait for it. The music will change. It will get softer.
Message - wait for my beat.
If the drama gets too loud - too overwhelming - and I can't feel my beat right away - I can tap my fingers or toes. I can take that time to really feel my truth and allow the opportunity for the healing to fill me up so I can respond in the best way.
The message was continue on your path. Allow others to be on their path. Be compassionate and empathetic.
It was a beautiful session. I felt tingly inside.
And from Ursula:
I LOVE It when people really take this work and run with it. Rebecca is living this work now. I think we have met many of her major parts and her whole system has calmed down because her parts now trust her. Rebecca's best self is leading the parade. It's now the alpha dog of her inner pack.
When fear and anxiety lead our lives, it's pretty chaotic and life tends to snowball from bad to worse. Then all the codependent parts kick in and try to hold it all together, which in turn ramps up the tension and stress levels. When we can have the courage to face the inner turmoil, to say this is getting out of hand, I need help, that is the beginning to freedom.
When I read Rebecca's sharing from this session, I get a sense of the inner freedom she has given herself. She is now at choice rather than reaction. She is at empowerment rather than dis-empowerment. She continues to soften into compassion and understanding, which creates a great sense of allowing what is for others and being able to navigate and get her needs met without trying to change others. This is the emotionally mature way to live life. We can see it in old people, they have eventually learned, it's not worth fussing with others.
This drumbeat is wonderful, Rebecca's system has calmed down enough, trusts herself enough, and enjoys moving forward in a safe manner, enough, that she is becoming more comfortable and playful with her life.
The drumbeat sets her pace, keeps her moving, and is a deeper sound which tends to be grounding. It resonates with her heartbeat, steady, strong and life-sustaining. It can only get better from here, away from the chaos and into the sweetness.
Enhance the world, one kind act at a time.
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