I have another session with Ursula coming next week. Wow, it will have been three weeks since my last one. Feels like a long time. Usually the days, weeks and months would fly by....but these days as my whole entire soul and being has unraveled and at times I have felt overwhelmed with anxiety and feeling so unsure - now the days feel like months. I'm not sure what this session will look like. I'm so intimated now that so much of myself is all scattered, unorganized and I feel so raw.
Well.....stay tuned sweet readers and followers. Stay tuned....
I need to be patient for my next session. I'm missing this week a lot. But we are to resume next week. Oh I wish I could just have Ursula every day. But what I do have is her voice. I did reach out to her, as requested, when the panic builds to much - and she sent me a nice visual. She said to imagine turning into a friendly and tell those monsters that you love them and you are so sorry they feel mean and scary.
There is that love solution.
I'm very hard on myself. I've been so hard on myself for weeks. My amygdala has been working over time which turned into depression and a feeling of fear.
Well, amygdala - I get it. I get how you got here. I do have a lot of people working with me, in support of me, to help you relax.
I've been mediating and listening to healers with their soft voices. I'm trying to soothe my sub conscious and remind it - it can relax. I'm here too. I'm trying to keep busy - but also rest when I need to.
My regular doctors are all helping.
I do feel I have a good team to begin. I'm talking and releasing more to people than I have ever before.
So stay tuned....I look forward to my session with Ursula next week.
In the meantime, I started blogging again, on my other page. So please feel free to check that out.
I also have been going to acupuncture. I hope to write more about that as I see results.
I am not spending time making my blogs perfect. I can't write now. I don't think they need to be. I'm raw. I'm open. I'm scared. I'm trembling. I'm in it. This is real fucking scary shit. My mind is all over the place. It's as if I've been storing all this shit in a garage. I just kept shoving fears in and closing the door quick. But then I realized I want more out of life than to be scared of myself. So I got gutsy and opened the door. And BOOM! All the fucking scary monsters and thoughts came pouring out of me and fell right on top of me.
I have been trembling so much, eating is a challenge. I've gotten very thin. I'm panicking every morning. Sometimes through the day.
I want a fix! But there doesn't seem to be a quick fix. I have to sort. I have to be patient. I have to be honest. I have to try and stir up bravery and courage to go through this shit.
I've gone to doctors to make sure I'm all right. So far, tests show I'm ok. But I need to eat more. I need to calm down. I can't do this alone. I know I need help.
I'm calling out for everyone to help. I call out friends, family, and caregivers. I'm honest with healers and helpers. I hope this works.
I've been put on a dose of meds to calm down a little. Even my holistic healers agreed, there is no need to be this frightened and making myself ill.
I start tomorrow with another doctor to help tame the anxiety so I can find the REAL me underneath it all. That's the goal. Where is Rebecca? Where is the girl I know I really am? Because I'm afraid this afraid, mentally unstable girl is the real me. So I ask and I ask and I ask again to friends and family and they say NO! The real you - we see - with her light and her strong spirit.
I will try to blog as much as I can. I will try. But I hope as I trudge through the woods trying to understand what is happening and make friends with the monsters - or at least tell them they don't need to be here. They don't need to protect me or scare me so I hide anymore. I hope to do this. I make forts through out the day in my mind when the pressure builds. I lie down if I have to. But I'm a mom and I have responsibilities and it pains me that I can't just snap out of it for my beautiful son who watches me in pain.
To those with mental challenges, know this - lets make forts for each other. Let's meet in the woods. We can do this together. I hope I can help in any way I can. I hope I make it through this and I will be able to help others get through the woods too. So many are helping me. I have friends near and far right now reaching out, writing to me, sharing their stories and their pain. They help me feel less alone. That's the key. NO ONE should feel alone here. NO ONE should feel unworthy.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it helps you too.
Wow, I did not expect any of this. ANY of this. I didn't expect to receive a gift as wonderful as Ursula to help me through this intense work. I didn't expect that doing this work would reveal the monsters under the bed, the skeletons in the closet, and the anxiety to ROAR it's ugly head so fucking loud - it's almost deafening. I also didn't expect Ursula to not only be very talented and skilled at her gift, but for her to be able to help me sort, sift and face this VERY hard work.
The sessions have gotten harder and harder, more stuff coming up - and basically I'm fucking scared.
We started this most recent session with me opening up in all my raw, honesty that I feel I'm falling apart. The panic attacks have been so strong, making me feel like I'm being pulled under. I worry about everything. I worry I'm going to die. I worry I've done everything horribly. I've worried my anxiety ruled for so long, I'm doomed. I feel so bad my son has had to deal with me and my anxiety. Worry, worry, sinking despair, panic attacks....and more monsters!
We talked at length about the searing pain all this is causing. We talked about how scared I am that I've ruined everything. But then Ursula reminded me that I'm here - doing the work - nothing has been ruined. Yes, there has been damage. Yes, there are consequences to face. Yes, there are changes to be made. But I'm here. I'm still here. She spoke with loving words telling me I've done the best I can in every moment. The fact that I care, the fact that I'm doing and feeling and trying to move forward is a good thing. Again, life can be rocky at times. But it doesn't have to be all gloom and doom. She was encouraging to tell myself not to cover up in shame, disappointment, doubt and fear.
We began the session and she asked for each dark part to come forward and reveal itself.
Anxiety - Came forward as the figure of Cali. The Indian God who looks scary - lots of arms. She just scares the shit out of me. I was guided to take her and shrink her to the size of a small figurine and stick her on the shelf. I was guided to tell her, although, yes, I have allowed her to run the show, make decisions - I was to tell her I want to change that. I do NOT want her in charge anymore. She rattled, screamed and yelled - and I kept shrinking her.
Shame - Came forward as a bully. Like the bully from childhood that made me feel so uncomfortable about my body and who I was. I was guided to tell her to leave. She wasn't helping. She was mean. She wasn't saying anything nice. The things she was saying weren't true.
Doubt - Came forward as a squashy whiny weird looking fellow. He was annoyed and frustrated. I was guided to tell him, I do recognize that he wants to help. But that he couldn't be in charge of every decision either.
Blame - Came forward as a snooty looking person, rubbing their chin - and looking all AHA! Just loves pointing out flaws and casting blame. Lots of criticizing. He was told to quiet down as well. He didn't help anything. He was mean and again - didn't come packing a lot of facts.
There were so many emotions swirling and stepping forward. I was guided to talk to them all. Look - I understand you feel you have had a purpose and protecting me. But you aren't protecting me. You are hurting me. I was guided to pull forth a protector. Ursula called him the Tracker. The image that came forward was an anteater. I was guided to speak with the anteater about tracking these mean characters when they come up - sniffing them out - and the scooting them out
During the session - as the different parts came up - I found myself getting overwhelmingly tired. I hadn't felt in other sessions. But I did remember feeling that in the past when things got "too much". My body would just start to say, "Nope. This is too much. I want to sleep." I was guided to send that tired feeling away - to tell that tired feeling - this wasn't too much. Nothing was going to happen - except to speak with the different parts and work on using healing tools to deal with them. The tired thing happened several times - and maybe it was anteater who shook me awake - but I never fell asleep during the session.
Throughout the session I would feel hope. I would feel calm. I could hear Ursula - very clear, very direct and very firm. It was soothing and comforting. This kind of work is not instaneous. It's been a long time that I've had intense anxiety - letting anxiety, shame, blame and doubt run the show. They aren't just going to go because I have had an epiphany. I have to keep working. I have to keep talking to them. It doesn't feel easy at all.
We ended the session with thanks. I was exhausted.
The following days after the session - I still have had intense panic attacks. I'm still trying to talk to the parts. They are loud! Those fuckers! But I managed to get myself out of the house, take my son to hang out with his friends, ride these VERY intense panic attacks, go to the doctor to speak with him about the weight I've lost and the pain that I'm in. I want to make sure my body is ok. I've managed to get to the market to get some good stuff to help put the weight back on. I managed to reach out to friends and family and say help! The voices are loud! I need backup!
Friends, family and Ursula are here. My doctors have been wonderful.
Okay....rocking waves. You can rock me. But I've got backup!
And from Ursula in written word and audio.
Hello again Rebecca,
I am so proud of you, I am smiling ear to ear at your bravery and honesty.
Cali is spelled Kali. You are so welcome, you are doing great. Even though you having panic attacks, you are being proactive, that is fierce, you are winning the battle!
Can you see the power? Can you see the bravery? I am in glee that Rebecca is coming out from under the covers and saying "Okay all you boogie men, out with you, I am ready to face you, line up!"
When we give our power away to the non-loving parts of us, we feel that they are in charge and we have to be victims to that. These mean parts are embedded from negative experiences and usually family members who didn't understand that their family dynamics were being handed down generation after generation and they forgot what it was like on the receiving end.
People who are highly sensitive have so much trouble living in the average harsh world. People who are thick skinned can dish it out and take it, as if it was normal, have not idea what it's like to be sensitive. They are the ones that call sensitive people weak, cowardly, push overs. When the sensitive people find their voice, they come from such a beautiful sweet place, so deeply loving and kind and generous, that the thick skinned people of the world feel like the weak ones, the feel like brutes and bullies.
The key to coming out of fear is to find our voices. Then the power can come out. The first thing to say, is "I am here, I count. I may be a certain way and that's okay. I am alive and I matter too."
The deal with being a sensitive person is that safety tends to be a big factor. If we don't feel safe, then all bets are off, why in the world would we stand out or speak up or ask for what we want?! Yes, there are family dynamics, but even with conscious parents, the rest of the world doesn't seem safe.
With sensitivity comes awareness and creativity. When we are sweet and innocent in our approach to life, we see people can be dark and bad things can happen. Our hearts are broken over and over, it can be a Hallmark commercial or the major loss of a loved one. No wonder sensitive people feel like they are on survival mode all the time. As if that is not enough, many sensitive people are the creative types too. That comes with a whole set of parts in and of itself. Being creative has highs and lows, a tendency for addiction to try and buffer the harshness and balance the highs the lows, imaginations that can take them completely out of the agreed reality, a need for escape and they get overwhelmed under certain circumstances. If they don't have a creative outlet they can get depressed, violent, angry or shut down.
Can you see why panic attacks would be a part of the big picture?
Panic attacks are real. The experience is very real, it all happens inside, the imagination gets all excited and takes people for a ride, activating the cortisol and adrenaline levels, probably leaving folks exhausted afterward. It's horrible. Rebecca is beginning to stand up to these parts that torment her. She is facing them, telling them that they are handing her a pack of lies and she knows it, they can't fool her any more. That's powerful. Next time we may be able to talk to them more personally and find out why they are harassing her in the first place. Believe it or not, they usually are under the impression that they are protecting her. I know, the deeper we go, the more it doesn't make sense to the mind. That's okay, stay tuned and you will begin to see how the inner world works.
Interesting enough, the Goddess from the Hindu teachings is Kali, she is the Goddess of Destruction, destroyer of evil forces, to be more exact. She has a place in each of us, but in Rebecca's situation this "friend" has turned against her. Rebecca doesn't even know who this character is and look! I love that in this session when she is facing her tormentors, there is Kali, first one out!
She is having the panic attacks and she is still moving forward like a Warrior, moving forward even though the enemy is trying to shoot her down, she is fighting for her rights, for her family for her peace!
This session is very difficult to write about, let alone, continue to work through what came up for me.
I will write things differently here. I didn’t really set up the room as much. I was in a horrible terror place before the session. I wasn’t feeling well the night before, and I went into Urgent Care for my ears. Unfortunately, I walked right into a bed of sick people. It was terrifying. I felt like I was a deer caught in headlights. I was frozen, afraid, but in it. My husband went with me.
I spoke with Ursula right away about the terror I was feeling. I walked into a place with the flu virus! What will happen? I was freaking out, feeling horrible, feeling shame, blame and a host of other horrifying images. I was laying down as I spoke to her balled up, crying, shivering and totally like a little girl.
Ursula opened up her loving arms, words and strength and walked me through the session.
The first image to come up was a witch. I felt she was angry. I felt she put a curse on me. She didn’t come across nice at all.
The second image to come forth was a trickster. He looked mean. I thought maybe he was a jester? But then I said, he looked like a mime, and I admitted, I always disliked and felt uncomfortable with mimes. I was guided to talk to him. I couldn’t. I was frozen. He was terrifying. He was telling me scary things. He was telling me I was an awful person. He was telling me I did everything wrong. Ursula helped me question him. She asked me to ask him where he came from. At first, he did not speak. She said, of course. She yelled at him some and he got quiet and then said he comes from fear. I felt like he was telling me he came from hell.
My 2 year old self came forward, frightened. I was guided to hold her. She said she was sad that my dad called her sickly as a child. She didn’t think she was sickly. She wasn’t sickly. She said she was scared. She felt alone. We spoke together of all the things she thought she heard said about her, believed were true, that she was bad. Ursula came forward at the perfect times to help me. I told Ursula I was struggling and needed backup. I was guided to tell my young self to remember we are sensitive. But we don’t have take everything literally. We don’t have to take what people say to us as fact.
Ursula was so strong. (Okay normally I don’t say Ursula so much but I need to here – because I could not do any of this work without her being stern and firm with the trickster. She guided me and helped me with the trickster. I needed someone to speak louder because I was so afraid and spiraling down. I was guided to remember all the parts of both young me and old me that are jolly and fun, light hearted and happy. These can’t be taken away from me. I was guided to remember I don’t need the trickster to tell me what’s happening. I’m here! The real me, the pure me, the strong and courageous me can ward off the trickster, can ward off illness, can ward off the spiral down. Yes, it is hard. But I have a lot of people around me. I am not alone. I can fight for me and my family.
I was told to be aware that I fell into a drama pattern. This is the pattern of the trickster. I didn’t do anything wrong.
Over the next week after the session – it has been challenging. My husband did get very ill. Watching him ill has been terrifying. The trickster has been all over the place. I have bumped into tons of dark scary thoughts.
I have reached out to friends and family to guide me back so I don’t fall into the spiral. It has been hard and dark and terrifying at time. I’m still here.
I am very lucky to have these amazing people in my life. I am so glad at least I am reaching out. This is new for me.
It still feels challenging. It feels like the trickster is pulling out all the stops. I am still here. I have had daily panic attacks. I’ve made mistakes because I’ve been distracted, scared, and at times feeling so hopeless. I’ve been riding the waves, and so far still coming up for air.
I will admit I am scared. I will admit there have been beautiful very clear moments that I am getting through this – I am scooting along.
I know this blog may be a bit fragmented. But it is raw, real and I hope it can help other people. As I continue to forge ahead, I hope I am gathering more information, more help – so I can reach out and help the troubled like me.
And from Ursula....these beautiful words of understanding and encouragement. And if you would like to listen to audio: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/Riding-Some-Rocking-Waves--Ursula-5-Feb-18-Mental-Girl-e1juai/a-a2pgem
This session was a doozie. When dark parts come up, our oldest fears that have been handed down for generation is now right in our face. The boogie man under the bed is real when we are children. When mom and dad tell us it's not and don't be silly, that only makes it worse. Then we feel unsupported and even more scared now. It was scary enough to reach out for help, to start screaming or make a run for the light switch or leap from the bed to your doorway.
That's the type of fear that comes up when we are facing these dark parts.
Doesn't matter how old we are, how much therapy we have done, how many accomplishments we have achieved in our lives.
Fear will take us down into that scary place in no time.
So how do we handle facing this darkness within in a session compared to the boogie man? With much more compassion then "Don't be silly."
Whatever we believe is real is.
I have faced my own darkness, and I have held hands with my clients as they face theirs and even had to step in between my clients and their dark parts. It's scary. No doubt. Things are intense, that's the environment that darkness thrives on. The more scared we are of darkness, we end up giving it more power. Guess who's power? Yes, our power. So managing the fearful part of Rebecca was one job, managing the nasty mean things that the Mime/Jester was saying was the other. I felt like a boxing match referee, while maintaining my own centeredness. My priority was to show Rebecca how to handle these bozo's. They are punks, acting like goons and goblins. They are dark. We all have light and darkness within us. The difference from person to person, is the vibrational frequency that they were raised in. If the family was drinking, drugging, violence, manipulating each other, stressed out, controlling, violent or abusive in anyway, those are all lower vibrations. Darkness needs a lower vibration to thrive in. When innocent children, I believe who are directly coming from Heaven, get born into this low vibration household, they soon dismiss their origin in order to adapt to the environment. In the back of the head, is that still small voice that says, "this isn't right." We all innately know, what is good and what is not good. We all know what respect and disrespect feels like.
When we move towards our inner light, the truth of us, then the darkness gets activated and resists the movement. It will act out and that's when the work gets serious. We face these aspects within us to send them love. That's the thing they can't stand. Because that's what they too were originally created from. They have taken it to the farthest end and have forgotten about it. This all works on a macro and micro level at the same time.
Rebecca did great, this is hard, the payoff is well worth it. Bully eradication.