From last week to this week, my parts have been talking LOUD. I mean loud. It's as if they all want to talk at the same time. This morning I woke up with so much fear, it took everything I had to get up and start the day.
As I stood there trembling and trying to function, I had a flashback when I was young with the exact feeling. It was "I can't do this. I'm scared. I don't like this. Why do I have to go through this?" Again, like pleading, why can't I be normal.
I really felt the flashback. I also felt the realization I never dealt with those feelings. So here they are.
It was hard this morning.
I'm feeling. So many feelings. Thinking so many thoughts.
It's as if I'm that little girl thrown into this timeline and I don't know what I'm doing.
I have a session tomorrow with Ursula.
I would like to find that strong Rebecca again. Or at least open the door, invite her in, and figure all this out.
Ursula did say she thought she has seen big changes in me from the first session to the last. In fact, she sounded so giddy about it, after reading my words on our last session.
I don't see it. I feel more scared. But I do like her giddiness. She is outside looking in and I would like to believe what she sees in me, the strength, the real Rebecca, is really there. Even more, I want to see her.