We started out our session chatting about the issues which have been coming up coming up. I like this part. Ursula holds the space, while the thoughts and feelings just spill out.
I spoke about a feeling I have - I'm afraid I can't remember all of my childhood. I look at pictures and a lot of times I just can't remember details. Ursula said when there is stress in a child's life (it doesn't have to be sexual abuse for this to happen as I worried) the child disassociates from life. Okay, I should go back a little. I heard that people who forget their childhood may possibly have suffered sexual abuse and blocked out the memory. Ursula felt that isn't always the case. When we spoke further, I even told her I was always either in the past or future - and not present. I was what iffing and wanting to be somewhere else a lot. So I figure I really wasn't present to remember the details.
I spoke about being proud of myself for the work I've done - the steps forward. I go out alone now. I drive in the neighborhood, alone. My map has grown. That's huge work. But I manage to overthink and start to think of all the things I'm not doing - stuff that feels a little too big. Ursula says to stay in the growth. She says look at how far you've come. There is no need to look at what you aren't doing. She says look and notice the growth you have made. It will keep coming. She reminds me I speak of so many things now - I speak of things I want to do - things I wouldn't have spoken about in the beginning of the year.
I told her I've been going through the garage - going through old pictures, sorting through old memories - and old friendships are coming up. I see pictures of friends I don't see much anymore. I got sad. I felt as if I'm the one who holds friendships together. If I don't - they disappear. I said I don't want that anymore. I want people to WANT to be with me and make an effort. Ursula reminded me of that saying - there is a season and reason for people and things. She said - when people leave your life - it's OK - it means they either need to go off and find their way - they may have found someone to fill that need now - OR - the have left because this has occurred from my side too. Friendships stay together for mutual reasons. If they drift apart - then the natural process is taking over.
I then shared about my husband and the sadness I feel that we aren't romantic or getting closer to each other. I feel he is hard to penetrate. I can't seem to get close. I feel I'm pulling away. After trying so much - I feel myself fantasizing about other men, wondering if I'll ever be romantic again with anyone, let alone my husband. Ursula said - all of this is normal - but it is important not to take the fantasy and run with it - without doing the work - and being present and taking care of myself. She says don't indulge the fantasy without focusing on the growth work. This includes honesty, respect and kindness for all involved. Yes, I'm aware I won't follow through with any affairs - but the sadness for the lack of intimacy with my husband is strong. Okay - Ursula said - it's time to really get in there. She said it's time to be very clear with him and find out what he has to give. If he doesn't want to give, than it's time for me to figure out how I would feel without him as a husband. If he does, well than it's good for me to be clear and calm while we work together to figure out a way to repair our relationship. He may not want to do healing work. It certainly feels that way. But if he does - and he just needs a push - well than it is time for that push. (We just made an appointment to go in for counseling together. My husband seems into it. So that's a step forward) . I hope this helps us. My husband has admitted to feeling depressed. He is tired all the time, and he doesn't like it. Whether it is age, or some sadness deep within, I hope we can uncover it together and as a family - our whole family - we can build some new bridges and get through this - together.
It was really neat. Ursula really helped me hold this hope that my husband would want to go to counseling. It worked. She said it's important to start working together if both of us want this to work. She says it is time for answers.
(I have proof it worked too! My husband and I did have the counseling session together and it was wonderful. Better than I had hoped. He opened up, shared and felt happy we made the appointment. Growth! I wrote to Ursula and she was so happy.) I wrote to Ursula right away and she was so happy and said this:
I am thrilled to pieces about her husband getting counseling.
It's a sigh of relief for me. It brings in great hope for the future.
Everyone wants love. If we can just find the right way to give and receive it, then our world, and the world can be a better place.
After our chit chat (which is so nurturing and makes me feel so understood) we were ready to check in with my subconscious.
The first part to show up was a pacer. This poor thing was pacing back and forth, back and forth saying fuck, fuck, fuck. He was so upset. So nervous. He was so tired of worrying. He gritted his teeth. He was tense. I could feel the tension in my chest, neck, mouth and eyes. He felt he was always worried I'll make a mistake. Would it be his mistake? He didn't listen sometimes. He did his own thing. Is that why things went wrong? I asked what mistake? What is he referring to?
A memory came to me. I was around 7 years old. I was supposed to go to a fancy party. I was dressed in a lovely dress - all cleaned up. I wanted to run around the block to my friends house and play. I was told to keep my dress clean. I was playing on the porch with my friend. We were jumping off the porch. Her mom came outside and said it wasn't safe - we shouldn't be doing that. I didn't care. I thought she was wrong. I brushed her off and flew off the porch - free and careless. I fell. I hit my head on a metal sprinkler and then....the blood. Lots of it. It came running down my head onto my dress. Oh dear, did I know I was in trouble. I took off down the street running to get home. I met up with my sister who was coming to get me. The horror she saw - she still reminds me - must have been awful. I felt like - get out of my way - I'm in trouble! Look at my dress. (I was trying to find a picture of me around this age. I found this one. That's me on the right. And on the left is my pal Julie. This isn't they day - this isn't the porch - but here I am in a fancy dress - and there's a good chance - about to get dirty.)
I couldn't remember all the details. Ursula kept saying - ask your subconscious. It knows. I really felt blocked. Something was blocking me from all the details. Had I blacked out? Or while it was all happening - I probably checked out because I was overwhelmed with feelings. I knew I had done something wrong.
I remembered being in the kitchen and a ton of the neighbor women were in our kitchen trying to stop the blood. It wasn't stopping. They had to take me to the hospital. I don't remember hurting or being in pain - at all.
I remember being in the hospital all stitched sitting on my dad's lap in a wheelchair. Apparently he had fainted because he thought I was going to die. I remember a woman saying, "Does she have a cold?" She was looking at all my bandages. I was embarrassed.
Ursula asked me about my young girl feelings.
I felt shame. What did I do? I didn't listen.
I felt punishment. I didn't listen and now look!
I felt embarrassment. People knew I had done something wrong.
I felt sadness. Why me? I was having fun. Why did this have to happen to me?
It was time to release all of that. I was a young girl and I made a mistake. So what? I didn't die. I was still alive. Ok. It would have been nice to be told - that's ok - that's how you learn. But I stopped being adventurous. I don't ever have to stop being that young girl - who likes to take chances and fly free. I heard my young self say "Hazaah!" She still wanted to have fun.
The young me began to feel more light hearted. I told her - I'm here for you now. I've got your back. You go ahead and be silly. We will figure this out together. You can stay tucked in my heart - have fun - come out when you want to play - and I'll watch your back. If it is unsafe - we will figure it out. I'll keep that young me safe.
There was a moment - when Ursula began to laugh. I love it when she does that. I can't remember what I said. I think I was talking from my young girl self. I hope Ursula remembers. When she laughs - it makes me feel so good. She finds humor - playful humor in my parts. She isn't afraid or judging them at all. She guides me to do the same. It is very strengthening to do this with her. Ursula's laughter reminds me - it's funny. Some of this is wonderful, delightful and funny.
There was a point that I just said, "I have to pee." Ursula said - is your young self saying that? I said, no it's me. I knew I could hold it - but I have to say something here. I wouldn't have done that when we first started the work. I would have been embarrassed or nervous to interrupt the session. But now - I could say it - deal with it - and make a decision to hold it.
(Looking back on the session - I'm wondering if my bladder got activated by the story. I usually go to the bathroom before a session. And I don't have to go unless I'm nervous or there is too much emotion. )
This was a wonderful session. We closed with our thanks.
I want to take a moment to thank Ursula. This journey is so important, so fulfilling, so magical and wonderful. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. I'm so glad - even though it is hard at times - I have a questioning mind - that I'm doing this work - this self discovery work is valuable. I include her link below. I hope someone else takes the chance, takes the leap to go and works with her. You won't be disappointed. Check out her site. She is also on Instagram. She will answer any questions you have about the process. Feel free to look back at our previous sessions.
We are working to include an audio version of the sessions. Already - some of these have an audio version with Ursula. I was taking some time before I headed back and reread the sessions. But I feel I'm ready now. So I'll try and get those attached to the different blogs about our session.
And from Ursula:
As I was reading this I started laughing and laughing. Life is SO bizarre! A bleeding girl runs down the street all dressed up...neighbor ladies in the kitchen...Dad fainting...head bandage prompts woman asking if the child has a cold! WHAT!!! So...so funny. Children get into the strangest situations. I can't even image the stress level of some moms whose sons or daughters are hurting themselves on a regular basis, "What now?!" It's not funny in the moment, but the timelessness and universality of this a -day- in - the - life scene, is movie capturing quality. It's very real.
I was laughing and wrote this before I read the paragraph about me laughing during the session. Interesting. I think I laughed during the session when the lady in the hospital asked if little Rebecca had a cold. That didn't make one bit of sense, why would someone have a head bandage on and have a cold? What struck me as funny is, here we are in the middle of some sort of crisis and then something from left field comes in for a comedic moment. This is often the case when we are paying attention.
One comment about having to pee during session. I write to my clients before our session to make sure they pee beforehand. The deal is that holding our urine is a voluntary thing, it's not involuntary like a heartbeat. Our conscious mind is actually in charge of holding our pee. Amazingly enough we are also holding our shoes on our feet all the time and don't realize it. When people get hit by a car, the shoes will sometimes stay were the people were standing...strange. That was just an odd side note. When we relax SO deeply in the session we stop holding on to our urine and that's what happens. I will have people pee before the session and still have to pee during or right after the session - that's the relaxing effect of the session.
Thank you Rebecca for thanking me and encouraging others. I think everyone should be doing these sessions. They are so profound and deeply healing. Ancestral healing. We carry feelings and traumas, secrets and pains down through our generations until some exhausted, brave or awake person decides it's time for a change. I myself do this with a colleague twice a month. It's an amazingly wonderful and self loving thing to do.
When we don't remember our childhood it's because it's not worth remembering. Whatever the reason - neglect, abuse, overwhelm are common reasons. Imaginary friends and seeing beings that no one else sees are also mixed in there. Many children learn, out of necessity, how to leave their body. They sort of float just outside of their physical body. These are the little ones who tend to crash into things or miss the step or drop things. They don't have full control over their body because they aren't completely IN their body. Women tend to do this much more than men. When I have clients who don't remember their childhood, I take a deep breath before we go in. The times and places we go are not okay by any stretch of the imagination. It can be heartbreaking and I am glad that our systems are so adaptable that we have the capacity to block out ugly experiences so we can keep on living. It's also terrible when people are stuck in the trauma moments and keep running them like a broken record and can't get out of the emotional loop. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. When I take my non-remembering clients back, we do it specifically in order to not overwhelm them. It can be done.
This session is a great expression of our defiant parts and how they can get us into trouble. It also brings up that saying "you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy." So with Rebecca, you can take the adventure kid out of the playground, but you can't take the playground out of the adventure kid." How many funny stories there must be about children who are dressed up...and something unexpected happens. I am sure you have one. It would be fun to share.
Parenting is also difficult. Where is the line between managing the children to be respectful and aware of being well behaved and the line of them being afraid of the parent and their judgement followed by punishment? I have met people from families that were so lovely, never angry or punishing and yet the child would fear disappointing the parent. That comes from wanting the parent to know and feel the appreciation the child has for the parent. Now, there is a dark side to that too, but I'm not talking about that right now. In an ideal world, a great parent would be a kind and compassionate adult who understands that childhood is about learning and many mistakes are made in the learning process and that lovingness around learnings is an awesome way to go. There is still room for the child to be disappointed in themselves or wanting to get it right the first time, or the child misinterpreting that they don't need to work at anything because mom loves them anyway. So many conditions to manage at the same time.
We are all working towards being our best expression of our self at any given time, learning, growing, making mistakes as children, as parents and as people in general. It's to have compassion with one another. Look at how many people needed compassion in that scene we went back to. The friend's mom who warned her it wasn't safe, she could say to herself, "I should have stayed out there." The friend who kept playing too, the sister for making it about herself, and her mom who may have thought, "I should have made her stay in the house." Then there are the neighbor ladies who may have wished they knew first-aid better. There is her father who passed out when his family needed him, then needed help himself because that could have been the worst day in his life. And then, most of all, Rebecca, who was more concerned about ruining the dress and getting in trouble rather than the safety of her own life.
Compassion to all.