I'm really in the thick of it right now. At times, I feel the hopeful side of me, other times, because the daily panic attacks that start my day come like clockwork – I get such an overwhelming exhausted, gloom and doom feeling that I'm not healing.
Of course, with Ursula, letting all of this out – I feel safe and nurtured immediately. Yes, my panic side will say, “she is going to be done with you soon. You aren't doing the work!” But no. She says quite the opposite. She says not only am I doing the work, but it seems normal, as I face these fears – they get louder.
There is a mental dance here; this work we do. I just begin to talk and she seems to know what I need.
Ursula went right to work. She wanted all these mean parts to come forth. She asked me to write them down.
There was Fearful. Fearful says, “You will be alone. Future is bleak for you.” He knocks and knocks and wants to talk.
Doom: Hangs with fear. Oh boy. They get the ball rolling. Doom says, “You're stuck with this. You can't get out.” Isn't that fun!
PAIN: Oh pain hurts. But it too doesn't say nice things. It says “You're weak. You can't fight this.”
Then comes PANIC: “You can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do it. I'm too scared. How am I going to get out? People don't understand how sick I am. I can't just stop the thoughts.”
Along comes WORRY: “You didn't heal this when it first started. Now it's stuck. Now what? How are you going to manage without your mom? How are you going to mange when people get tired of you living like this. People will quit you.”
Ursula, with so much confidence, strength, and support says, - “Wow, what a highly imaginative joy ride these guys take you on. They all sound so mean.” She feels now that I am observing and trying to monitor them, they are getting fussy. They like to take over. My inner being is saying “NO!”
I was then guided to pull forth my sweet sides.
There was the SOOTHER voice. Firm but says, “Stop it. Soothe your heart. This voice says turn on a guided meditation. Go to bed early. Take care of yourself right now. It is a nurturing voice and says, "It's ok. You attract good things. Look at the wonderful people around you supporting you, having faith in you. You are making steps. You are doing something about it." The soother knows the “mean” voices aren't really me.
BRAVE. Brave says, “keep trying . Try anything. Connect. Be vulnerable."
HOPE says "other people have healed. You can too. Take your time. You have good healers and doctors. They all say it takes time. Keep doing the work. Look at your family and friends. They love you as you are."
SWEET says "stay observant and look at all the good stuff that is around you. Look at the pretty flowers. You are allowed to smile, even though you are in pain. Yes, look at the butterfly. Laugh at the silliness."
RESPONSIBLE says, "let's keep going. We have stuff to do. You are strong and can do this." This is the nice coach. "You can do it. Just one foot first. You've been doing. Yes, it's hard. But let's keep going."
Ursula was so wonderful and so specific with her words to me in this session. It's as if she knew my inner self wanted her to tell me these things so the mean voices could hear. She said I'm sweet. She said I worry about sweet things. She says I'm a child who sees the beauty in life and cares. She sees the innocence in me. She guided me to remember to watch, be observant at the patterns that have been created with these mean parts. She says my TRUE SELF is completeness. This TRUE SELF doesn't care about the panic or the pain. It is just IS. She says TRUE SELF feels and believes:
It's hanging out.
She says, Rebecca, me, is watching all of it.
She says she can see it's as if the mean voices and the sweet voices battle. We ended up coming up with the MEANIES VS SWEETIES - like a ball game.
She says try and sit next to your TRUE SELF. Rebecca and TRUE SELF – together can watch the dialogue between the voices. She says to be neutral and observe. The meanies like to hog my attention. They say the same thing over and over and over again. The sweeties try to send love and remind everyone we can do this.
The sweeties want my attention too. They want me to remember the beauty, the hope, and the strength I have inside me.
She says to watch the ball be passed pack and forth.
She says we are doing work to change the patterns in my mind/brain.
She explained to me about the brain. The brain creates patterns. When the patterns are created, a groove is made. So it stands to reason, because these MEANIES have been talking, a groove was created. Well the SWEETIES want a chance to fill in that groove.
She calmly and so kindly said, it's ok. I was wired differently. So we will take the time to create new patterns, new ways of thinking, so I can live a calm and peaceful life.
She spoke to the MEANIES for me. She was so loving, direct, and understanding. It was beautiful to hear.
We closed the session and the underlining message – was – I AM working. I AM working through all of these issues. It's not easy. It's challenging. I am doing the work but I can choose not to do it with the pressure of perfection.
Ursula's feedback on the session:
Audio version: anchor.fm/ursulas-podcasts/episodes/20-Mar-18-Mental-Girl-e1juas/a-a2pghc
Rebecca is gaining ground. Just like in sports, when a team is loosing, they will fuss more, argue with the ref, make more noise. Because she is gaining ground, gathering support, getting braver and more clear, those negative parts inside of her are becoming more obvious, so they look bigger and seem louder. We have reduced the inner chaos enough for her to spot them!
The next level now is to be able to separate them from her. So they don't hijack her so much.
When you shine the light on the cockroaches, they run and hide. When her True Self comes out, the dark parts can't take over.
By separating these parts and identifying them, we can track who they are, what their phrases are and study their relationships to each other.
The Sweeties not only are trying to show Rebecca they are there too, putting up a good defense to the Meanies' offense, but they are also there FOR the Meanies. If the Meanies could calm down enough, they would be able to receive loving kindness from the Sweeties.
For now, we were able to identify much of what has been going on under the surface. Knowledge is power. Rebecca also has the tools to talk to these parts and manage them, to a degree, until we can address them one at a time.
Getting to a state of overwhelm, did not happen in one day, it happens in stages of events in our lives. Healing takes a sequence of sessions, developing more trust for Rebecca and her ability to BE with these parts and here for those parts. Not too bad, considering the alternative.