I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. Let me tell you, me writing those words...me feeling those feelings....me admitting it here to you...that's a HUGE step. It feels good. We all should do this with ourselves. Give credit where credit is due. This isn't about declaring I'm better than anyone else - this is about owning "it". What's it? My MEness. And you have your YOUness. Embrace it. Declare it. Own it.
I did do a podcast this morning:
So yesterday I spoke at a funeral. I talked about it online. I was prepared. I felt like I was prepared. I didn't feel emotional. I felt "Marge in charge". I'll admit as the day proceeded forward, I had tummy nerves. I figured that's normal. I did a lot of loving self talk. I made sure I had enough time to get everything done, get ready, and I was pleased we all made it out on time, dressed, and we got there - perfect timing. No traffic. It was great.
The service started. I began to feel those tingles. I wanted to get it "over with" - you know. But again - the self talk came out. I was giving a gift. I could do this. I had my papers, I had loving support around me - and...the rabbi called me up. Wooosh! I took off my glasses. I didn't want to be able to see faces in the crowd. I felt a rush. The coffin was right near me. A beautiful picture of my friend's mom was right in front of me. My friends were sobbing. Oh dear. Another deep breath and I got to the podium.
I just did ME. I began to read and I became emotional. A little too soggy and drippy for my taste (and what I had planned). But I knew in that moment, the reality of it all, the emotion and love I felt for my friends washed over me, and I realized my humaness was going to show. And it did.
But guess what?
I got through it.
And guess what?
It's weird to say this - but my speech was a hit. My friend and her brother were thrilled. They said I saved the service. They said my speech was the service. Oh...and so many people came up to me and said how lovely and real the speech was - and how heartfelt I sounded. Wow - I feel a little rush as I write this. It really made me feel good. My speech - my gift - was a success.
This morning I decided to head out early and go to the mall. I just wanted to see if I could buy some stocking stuffers. When I got there I was a bit surprised to find out others had the same idea. It wasn't super crowded - but I was expecting little to no people. I started to walk around one of the stores, picking a couple things up, but then - I don't know - I just didn't feel it. I was becoming agitated, hot and not having a good time. So guess what? I put it all back. I said - no - I'm not buying like this. I'd rather walk around - look at the decorations - and get a coffee. I took some pictures. There's me up there. I bumped into other "friendlies" who decided to do the same thing. Just be in the moment. So I went to my coffee place and I was so excited to see an old friend there who was visiting. I even said - now this is where I'm supposed to be. I told him what I had just experienced - and it felt so good - he got it. He admired me. It was a really cool moment. I started to talk to people, and see some other people who work there that know me - and we had lovely exchanges. I felt so much better. I was in the moment and feeling good.
Again - I'll keep saying - do YOU. Be good to YOU. YOU are worth it. And celebrate YOU, appreciate YOU, and when you feel you've accomplished something or done something to heal your spirit - brag away about it.