Sometimes I have my whole blog written before I even start writing - however when I sit down to write - poof! All my clever stuff goes away. I've been writing in my head all morning - thinking - damn girl! This is awesome stuff. When I get home, I'll sit down, feeling all sassy that writing today's blog will be a cinch. But here I am, writing it, saying, wait....where are the snappy words and intelligent wisdom I was going to have spewing out on the page for you? Oooh, did I allow my ego to tell me there was no work involved to this? Did I allow my ego to think I was "all that". Maybe.
My latest podcast is titled Confidence or Ego - and here it is: anchor.fm/mentalgirl/episodes/Episode-106-e2011b/a-a4ohhm
I can't believe that I will actually post this selfie. Egads! But after doing my podcast, and thinking about today's topic, confidence or ego, I have to! Oh dear, this selfie is awful. My ego is screaming, why didn't you tuck in your hair? What's up with that smirk? Your nose looks funny. Do you even have your cap on right? Why don't you take more selfies? You need the practice. You look really goofy. Mean, huh?
When I'm out - there other people out too, and I get embarrassed if I'm standing in the middle of the sidewalk taking a ton of selfies. I wait for moments when I can take a quick one here and there with no one around. I usually don't look until I get home - so of course - there are times when this happens (frizzy hair peeking out) - or I get a blurry one. But today's message is confidence "or" ego. I choose confidence and confident I will be! (oh I'm so tempted to delete this picture or edit it - NO!) This picture stays. I took it because I had an AHA moment. There was this cactus - a prickly, dry, cactus reminding me when I'm grumpy or standoffish - it's okay - because under that - if I so choose to take the time - beauty can arise. Look at the flower on the cactus. Yes, please look at it. Don't look at the goofy girl in front of it.
Taking deep breaths.
Okay, prepare yourself, she's gonna curse. Who gives a shit about the crappy picture? Right? I'm hoping you care more about my message than picking apart my photo. I'm hoping you say - hey....she must have confidence to post a lousy picture like that. I'm having a little giggle here. This is actually kind of empowering. Yes, I took a picture that isn't all that flattering. But now that I look at it - it is me. It's a part of me. I head out in the morning for my walk. I want to connect, get clear, get calm - remind myself I have a place here on this planet. I look around - see the neighborhood - check out what's happening. I admire houses, apartments, and landscaping. I've lived here so long and I still manage to find stuff I didn't know was there. I find beauty and it's fabulous.
So ego. What did you say? I look ugly in this selfie. Okay. If you think so. So ego, you think it's more important to put on a good front? Meh. I'm not so sure about that. Why? Well, that's not what I'm doing here! I'm trying to be honest with myself and others. I'm trying to figure out a way, no matter what, to have confidence in who I am so I can love myself and than spread that out to others. That's my goal.
The more confidence I have in myself - the less I seem to worry about what people think of me. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still do. I care. But I wallow less. I worry a little less. I post pictures like this and say - meh. So it's a bad picture. I was going for content and message over a good picture.
How amazing is it - to me at least - that I may have set out on this "I Gotta Be Me" project, at first, to focus on my outer beauty. I felt it was time. I still do. But I want to do it with love. I think seeing myself as is - unfiltered and raw helps me find that beauty. I've seen beautiful people - and their insides are angry, bitter, mean, and they put other people down. To me, their beauty fades really quick. Then, I have seen people who are kind, compassionate, funny - they like to connect and heal - and they are stunning! Their inner beauty becomes their outer beauty.
So today's discovery was - find the beauty, focus more on confidence, and tell ego - ssssshhhhh.
I'm glad I can find the beauty within and without - even in the smallest of places, even with ego smirking and criticizing, and even tucked in a cactus in a silly selfie.