I hope I've conveyed, that although I speak of self love, self care, and working on liking and loving myself - it doesn't mean I walk around proud as a peacock all the time singing "I Gotta Be Meeeeeee!" Well in my head I do.
I'm still sifting, sorting and working through a lot of my stuff.
I want to tell you a story about something that happened over the weekend. I went to the gas station. I zipped into a spot. I was proud of myself -I backed in and didn't hit any poles or anything. I saw a guy watching me. I thought - he must have enjoyed watching that maneuver. I was smiling when I got out of the car and I glanced over at him. He proceeded to tell me I should move my car, because I was blocking others from getting in behind me, and his "rules" were that I should be pulled in a different way. Okay - criticism - from a stranger! I was hurt and offended. My brain started to go.
Wait - who are you?
You don't know me.
There are tons of spaces for people to get gas.
I'm parked fine.
Someone can still pull in behind me.
I looked at him, and told him, I was fine. I liked where I parked. I explained why I parked the way I did. I asked him if he was going to be ok with it? He sort of stood there stunned. I went in to pay for gas and when I came out, it appeared to me he began a conversation with the guy in another car about me. Again, brain took off.
What the fuck?
What is up with this dude?
All right - this is bullshit.
I stopped and looked at him. He turned to me. I said, "Really? This is really bothering you sir?" He stammered a bit, and he said, "oh we're talking about something else." Frankly, I didn't believe him. So I said, "if my position at this gas station is going to cause you to lose faith in humanity and you feel the world is going in a downward spiral, I will move my car." He looked at me and then really stammered. He said, "no, no, it's fine." I said, "OK".
I pumped my gas. And for the record, I didn't stop or impede anyone from getting gas.
I left the station but I was a bit shaky. So I had to do a lot of self care talk. I was proud I stood up for myself. I was proud I remained calm. I reminded myself standing up for myself, declaring boundaries and using non violent communication is all new for me. So sure - being shaky after a confrontation is perfectly normal. Did I go over the top with this guy? Maybe. Did he care or hear me at all? Maybe - maybe not. But what did I learn? How do I feel? I learned it felt good to speak from the heart. I felt good about myself.
I felt a little proud like a peacock.
I felt imperfectly perfect in the moment. I just did me.
It's OK to take your time figuring all this out. I'm OK with it taking me some time.
So a toast - to our imperfectly imperfect selves!
All right - here's today's podcast:
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for reading my blogs and listening to my podcasts.
Thank you for support.
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. Let me tell you, me writing those words...me feeling those feelings....me admitting it here to you...that's a HUGE step. It feels good. We all should do this with ourselves. Give credit where credit is due. This isn't about declaring I'm better than anyone else - this is about owning "it". What's it? My MEness. And you have your YOUness. Embrace it. Declare it. Own it.
I did do a podcast this morning:
So yesterday I spoke at a funeral. I talked about it online. I was prepared. I felt like I was prepared. I didn't feel emotional. I felt "Marge in charge". I'll admit as the day proceeded forward, I had tummy nerves. I figured that's normal. I did a lot of loving self talk. I made sure I had enough time to get everything done, get ready, and I was pleased we all made it out on time, dressed, and we got there - perfect timing. No traffic. It was great.
The service started. I began to feel those tingles. I wanted to get it "over with" - you know. But again - the self talk came out. I was giving a gift. I could do this. I had my papers, I had loving support around me - and...the rabbi called me up. Wooosh! I took off my glasses. I didn't want to be able to see faces in the crowd. I felt a rush. The coffin was right near me. A beautiful picture of my friend's mom was right in front of me. My friends were sobbing. Oh dear. Another deep breath and I got to the podium.
I just did ME. I began to read and I became emotional. A little too soggy and drippy for my taste (and what I had planned). But I knew in that moment, the reality of it all, the emotion and love I felt for my friends washed over me, and I realized my humaness was going to show. And it did.
But guess what?
I got through it.
And guess what?
It's weird to say this - but my speech was a hit. My friend and her brother were thrilled. They said I saved the service. They said my speech was the service. Oh...and so many people came up to me and said how lovely and real the speech was - and how heartfelt I sounded. Wow - I feel a little rush as I write this. It really made me feel good. My speech - my gift - was a success.
This morning I decided to head out early and go to the mall. I just wanted to see if I could buy some stocking stuffers. When I got there I was a bit surprised to find out others had the same idea. It wasn't super crowded - but I was expecting little to no people. I started to walk around one of the stores, picking a couple things up, but then - I don't know - I just didn't feel it. I was becoming agitated, hot and not having a good time. So guess what? I put it all back. I said - no - I'm not buying like this. I'd rather walk around - look at the decorations - and get a coffee. I took some pictures. There's me up there. I bumped into other "friendlies" who decided to do the same thing. Just be in the moment. So I went to my coffee place and I was so excited to see an old friend there who was visiting. I even said - now this is where I'm supposed to be. I told him what I had just experienced - and it felt so good - he got it. He admired me. It was a really cool moment. I started to talk to people, and see some other people who work there that know me - and we had lovely exchanges. I felt so much better. I was in the moment and feeling good.
Again - I'll keep saying - do YOU. Be good to YOU. YOU are worth it. And celebrate YOU, appreciate YOU, and when you feel you've accomplished something or done something to heal your spirit - brag away about it.
Well, I'm feeling a little jittery today. I've got a full schedule. I'm not used to these full busy days. I'm pleased with myself that I'm doing it - I'm managing - I'm working through the jitteriness.
Today happens to include a funeral. I've been asked by my dear friend to speak at the funeral. Her mom passed away at the beautiful age of 92. I hear she was listening to Perry Como while she passed - he was one of her favorites.
So I'm a chitty chatterer, but I do get nervous standing in front of people and speaking. And this will be a special occasion with a coffin right behind me and grieved faces in front of me.
I'm taking a lot of deep breaths. I've written, what I think, is a beautiful tribute - now I just want to keep breathing in confidence, clarity, calm and communication.
I did a podcast this morning.
I'm so glad I was asked to do this speech. I hope my words soothe, bring some humor, and fill the room with a lot of love. That's the goal. I'm also bringing me. You gotta do you. I gotta do me. It's the only way.
So me? I've got a lot of parts. They all talk. I can listen to all. Even the ones that are nervous or feeling a little scared.
I described this feeling I get when I'm getting all tangled, negative, spiraling down - just getting angry. I don't like wearing turtlenecks. They feel tight, constricting, annoying and I get all hot. So why would I put one on? I don't. I don't buy them. I don't wear them. So...why do I want to entertain all those kind of thoughts for too long either. Too tight!
It's ok to feel and think. I don't think I'll ever stop. But when I get a hold of a thought that feels like a turtleneck - well now that I'm actually getting "into me" - I say - wait! This doesn't fit. I need to take this off now!
All right - I use a lot of metaphors when I write. That's my jazz. It helps me to put the thoughts that I want to share with you into words.
Thanks for being here, you guys. As much as I hope I help you in some way; you certainly help me.
Lately, I've been feeling - at times throughout the day - irritable, grumpy, snappish - blech! I don't like those having those feelings. But I have them. So I took a look at them. I took at look at them because I want to grow. I want to take responsibilty, examine and then proceed forward using my new found tools.
Before - when I was like this - I would justify, criticize, judge, growl and grimace. I would find reasons to feel the way I do. But that doesn't feel good. I also feel like these moods come up when I'm feeling good - which is weird. It's like these feelings are saying - all right - you're getting all wise and grown up - what about us! We have things to share! The world has it's problems and you are sensitive. We know you! Now come on! Get grouchy! Well....I'll feel those feelings but they don't have to own me. If you know me, then you know, I'll feel those feelings, I know they are human, but I won't let them overtake and overwhelm me.
Okay feelings and thoughts:
I see you little Miss Hypochondriac. Are you worried about something? I'm healthy. I'm healing. Are you spending too much time on the internet scaring yourself?
I see you grouchy pants. What's up? What has you made you so angry? Are you feeling a little unloved? You certainly are loved.
I see you irritable worrier. What has you worried? We don't have to get everything done in a day. We can ask for help. What do YOU need right now?
And that's some healthy dialogue.
I did a podcast this morning.
As I said in my podcast - I really hope these podcasts are helping. If you feel comfortable and want to share some feedback, please do so.
Yesterday I shared a little "Singing On A Tuesday" and posted it on Instagram.
ANY steps forward is growth. Any small step, large step or step to the side - as long as you keep listening to that voice in your head - it may be muffled in the beginning - but you know it - you hear it - it says "I am worthy. I deserve better. I deserve love. We all do!" Listen to it and it will get louder.
I posted a picture of our dog Ruby. She is a sweetheart. She worries and frets sometimes too - but when it comes down to it - she feels she deserves love. and she most certainly gets love. She found this tiny pillow. It's not hers. But she figured - if I fits, I sits. Determination!
We all deserve love. It's our right. Now go get yours - starting with YOU. Get it from yourself. It's amazing how it grows.
I've been feeling a little fragile lately. Just some old worries, nagging thoughts and what ifs began to swirl around in my mind. In my opinion, after I caught a cold,I was feeling vulnerable and tired and those thoughts took their opportunity to sneak in! But I see you. Okay I hear you. I'm going to accept you as is...but I'm not going to let you run the show! No!
I try to be aware when my thoughts are turning somewhat darker...and some of them are trying to scare me. I have learned to look at them, these are my parts chatting away, so I take my time and be patient, speak kindly (they just want some attention) but then to lovingly tell them....I'm here. It is OK.
If you don't know the concept about "parts", feel free to venture into my section called Unveiling With Ursula. I've done a lot of work with her, and we worked through my subconscious which included a lot of different parts - that make up - well ME. It has been an amazing journey. We took a short break - and now we're continuing on with the adventure. So stay tune with all of that.
I did a podcast today.
I had a lovely walk this morning. The air was crisp. The energy was actually calm outside. It was nice. I still am not taking super long walks. I'm still recovering from this cold. It's interesting - it wasn't a bad cold - but my body hadn't felt a cold in a long time - and I think it just wants to chill out a little bit more before I start pushing it a little harder. I still feel cloggy. I still sound stuffy. I still don't feel it completely is out of my head. When I can hear my voice clear again, and I have that extra pep - I'll push it. But in the meantime, I feel I have work to do.
I have creative work.
I have inner work.
I have daily work.
I have self care work.
Now...I almost went back and changed the word work. I thought - oh dear - that word - makes it sound so...worky. (Yes, I know - not a word). But I'm changing my perception and feeling towards the word. I value the work I've done. The work I've done has given me so many gifts - helped me heal - given me a stronger urge to continue falling in love with myself. So...yep - work is a good word! This work has been fun too.
All right - so onward and upward!
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for supporting me.
I'm in the holiday spirit. Big time. And it feels good. I usually am - but I remember last year - I wasn't. I was falling into a depression and I just didn't do it up last year. But I got through that - got strong - and found my voice. This year...has been a year filled with changes, growth, and healing - and I'm in celebration mode.
I'm not into really big events. I enjoy parties - but not HUGE events. I've figured out - I just don't enjoy it as much. I like intimate gatherings. And yesterday I hung out with some old pals. One I've known since I was a kid, one is his wife, one I've known since high school, and the others were family. It was really nice. I got dressed up. (casual and loving it) I found this t-shirt when I went to a party last week. A girl was wearing it - my son pointed it out - and I just loved it - came home and got one for myself. I'm not a big Star Wars fan but my favorite of those films, was Empire Strikes Back - and I like Chewy. So this t-shirt - well it brings some festivities and fun.
I decided to do something a little different with my podcast this week. I hope you like it. Feel free to email me your thoughts and feelings.
I also decided to do one of my silly walking videos this morning and I posted it on Instagram.
It's okay to do the holiday season the way you want to do it. It's okay, if December is just December for you. There are many different customs, rituals, and holidays - everyone is included.
Okay, I realize it's only been one day since I wrote a blog. It's been just a couple days with this ding darn cold - but in the world of achoos, coughs, aches and no sleep - it seems like much longer.
I slept better last night. It wasn't great. I was still waking up a lot - but it was better. Better is good. I can breathe a little better. The aches and headache have calmed down a little. I got up a little later - I slept in. Wow, I have weird dreams when I'm sick. I couldn't find my car in my dream. I was looking - it just disappeared. My friends were acting weird. People around me were acting weird. But the interesting thing - I was taking control - in my dream. I was handling it. I wasn't scared. I felt more irritated.
I woke up stretched, got dressed and headed out for a walk. The sun was out, the sky was clear, the ground was still wet - and the city smelled clean. We had two days of rain. We needed rain.
I decided it wouldn't be a long walk. I could still feel my body and it said - take it slow. And I did.
I did do a podcast:
( I do apologize for the sound quality. You can hear the wind blowing. I'll work on that)
I posted some silly pictures on Instagram yesterday of my "stay at home" healing day.
After my walk, I came home and grabbed Ruby, our dog, and headed out to get some gas. $3.29! That's a bargain around here. It's been getting so expensive - but that was great to see this morning. Whoop! Whoop!
Well, it was good to get out a little. But I'm still feeling coldy. (I know - not a real word) I think I'll need another day of rest and relaxation. Hopefully I can get some writing done. That would feel good and productive.
I also want to thank my Twitter friends. I've been having some lovely chats and they have made me feel so good. I was able to whine a little. They gave me a dose of friendship and that felt good.
So Mental Girls says - take it easy out there. Take your vitamins, wash your hands, and drink lots of water. Stay healthy!
Yep, crap on a cracker. Shit on a shingle. I've got a cold. I haven't had one in a while. I thought, last night...well - this was my line...maybe it's allergies? But I knew. I could feel the stirrings last night. And then while I was trying to sleep last night -the aches kicked in...along with the cold headache. I was cold.
Ooooh, it did rain last night. That was soothing. But I slept on the couch for most of the night. I just couldn't get comfortable. When I woke up - it was official - ACHOOOO!
I did manage to crawl out of bed and get out for a walk. I really thought things were going well at first. That cold air whacked me in the face and got me all stimulated. But I was smart...I didn't head too far. Because slowly I started to feel that...you know...I think this is a cold...I don't think I want to be outside too long...I think I need some supplies. Now - I'm not great at handling the sickies. I'm a grouch. I don't like the sneezy, sniffling, snotty, achy, can't rest thing. Nope! But I'll tell you - it wasn't only the cold air that whacked me in the face - it was the realization that I'm pretty frickin' lucky that I have a family to take care of me, a warm home, and money to buy supplies - and a car to get me there. All this got whacked in my brain when I saw a homeless person lying on an old couch that was curbside. That couch had to be wet. It rained last night. So sad. So - Rebecca - that's me - I'm Rebecca - I put things in perspective.
I did a podcast this morning:
I also did a little video while I was walking this morning.
I posted it on Instagram:
All right...so I'm going to triple dose on the kind self care talk today and get some TLC.
Oooosh, my hands and feet just won't stay warm. I've got socks on. I layered today! I'm learning to head out in the mornings with more clothes on me. But my feet and hands are the temperature gauge - they are ice cold - and they say - it's frickin' chilly!
I've got my cup of Joe now....actually that's what the coffee is called - it's from Trader Joe's. It's delicious. It's the light roast. I'm back home - and warming up. Awwww...that feels good.
I did a podcast this morning (even with chilly hands):
It was a lovely walk - a lovely morning - I was feeling rather pleased with myself. I got up earlier. I was out earlier. I went for my walk and then it was off to the market. I had a really easy and pleasant experience there. Even saw someone I knew - and I wanted to say hello to him. Usually - I just want to get in and out - no chitter chatter. But today - I felt like saying hello. I did good.
Now - for those out there - I'm talking to the ones who have been or feel fragile, nervous, anxious, or scared to let their true self out - let her/him out! You deserve it.
Yes, I feel so much better now that my true self is coming out. I feel so much better that I'm allowing myself to feel good about me - have good moments - those are important. A successful, happy, and peaceful trip to the market for me - well that's fabulous! And let me tell you - it's also important to go easy on yourself when the wind shifts and you feel grouchy, irritable, scared, worried or angry. Just pour on the extra does of self care talk - slather that shit on!
Here I'll give you some for today:
I am worthy.
I am deserving.
I can handle my life and my emotions.
I am a part of the world and I have a part in this world.
I am proud of who I am.
How does that feel? Does it feel good? Does it feel weird? Does it feel tingly? It's ALL OK. Just keep doing it over and over and over again.
So the picture above is me in my fuzzy hoodie. One of my good friends gave it to me and I just love it. It has to be cold out there - because once it's on - the heat starts to circulate in there. I feel like a fuzzy teddy bear.
The picture below - well that's me at the end of most days and it feels spectacular. I'll be under the blanket with sock covered feet. I love it when our cat curls up next to me - because if I can't get warm - I'll warm my cold tootsies by him.
You take care of you out there! Mental Girl is on your side!