Let's start that again. Oh the rain in Los Angeles...it was so needed. Darn. I just realized, the homeless population around here must have gotten a big soak. The poor things. I hope most of them found shelter. I know that all the places that were hit with fires probably had to deal with flooding. And of course, all the houses with unfixed leaks, holes, and cracks - because - well we don't have much rain here. It's not until a good rain that you realize - shit the gutters! Shit all the stuff in the yard! The cushions. Oh crap - I left that out. But...but...but...I still love the rain. I love the sound, smell and feel of it. I am going to allow myself that enjoyment.
Wow - that took a weird turn. I was all set out to talk about how wonderful the rain was - and the minute I did - I had a thought - hey don't brag. Not everyone likes the rain. Then I thought why not? It was so wonderful. We haven't had rain in a while. But then I thought, what about....you didn't think about that? Ooops. I really didn't mean to brag. Well, just a little. But I was bragging about my appreciation of rain, going out in it this morning and taking in all the delights, and....I'm working on mindfulness. You know? Okay, Rebecca...relax...you can see both sides. Okay. Deep breath.
I'm leaving all of that in this blog. I'm not going back and editing it and my rambling. Why? Because I want you all to know - I have stuff to work on too. I still think a lot, feel a lot, and....I do worry. The worry button still gets pushed. And it's ok. As long as the other buttons get pushed too - solution, courage, empathy, compassion, kindness - and can you guess what I'll write....what's the best button...I'll give you a second...self care! Yep. It does NOT serve me (or you) if I go down into a spiral of judgement and criticism when I'm finding moments of bliss. It doesn't NOT serve me (or you) to feel bad about having a good moment. It does NOT serve me (or you) if I don't take all the time I need and deserve reminding myself I am worthy, I am here, I have a place, I can and will remain calm and at a peace.
All right....so I did do a podcast this morning.
I also did a little video this morning and posted it on Instagram.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for your support.
Mental Girl and I sure appreciate you.
If you've been beating yourself up, criticizing, judging, blaming, and just plain being hard on yourself for a long time - it's going to take some time to learn how to be nice to yourself. You may, like me, have been one of those "too nicers" - and you thought other people liking you validated your existence - or you measured your worth on what others thought of you - or you were always nicer to other people than you were to yourself.
Well, once you pull out of that - take a deep breath - ask yourself - who am I? What do I like? How do I want to be treated? What are my boundaries? What is my part in all of this? And stand tall and say, I would like to make my life better because….well....I want to and I have a desire to like myself.
Oh the world just looks so much different from this perspective. I now feel I don't have to peek out anymore. I don't have to feel shame for being ME.
The first time I looked in the mirror - really looked - and noticed the melancholy and the abandonment - I was sad. Then I looked again and I saw something. It was a spark. It was a dammit! No! This isn't suppose to be like this! I have sass! I have frass! I can combine my sass and frass! I can still be nice to others. But I get the nice first! The spark was beautiful. It was small. It had to be fanned, encouraged and fed.
I now get up in the mornings and say my self loving - self care - statements. I know my subconscious is still listening. I'm happy my subconscious aids me a lot more now than it used to - and I'm headed in the right direction. It's not about perfection. I stumbled. I still stumble. I'll get into some spiral of sadness and my subconscious hears and says - oh we're sad! Hold up! She wants to be sad! Let's look around at all things sad. Bring the sadness to her attention. So I start fanning, encouraging and reminding myself - it's OK - but let's pick it up - I see the sad - but I also want to see the solution.
So I begin to speak to myself again - with loving tones. I'm worthy. I deserve to be here. I'm courageous, clear, calm, brave - I can solve things! Then...my subconscious says - hold up! Stop the sadness! She's turning - she's heading in another direction! Show her evidence of bravery, courage and clarity. And my mind will start to see it.
I took a couple pictures this morning - while on my walk in the rain. I set out with my frizzy hair up in a bun, no makeup, and a smile on my face. So I took some pictures. I looked at them - and at first I thought - oh dear - is that how you went out? And then my sass and frass (and Mental Girl) came beside me and said YES! And it's fantastic! No muss - no fuss.
I did some great healing work this week! Some really good subconscious work.
I did my podcast this morning:
Hang in there. This is NOT something that happens overnight. Wait! In my opinion, and in my experience it didn't happen overnight for me. Because it may - for YOU. So, in my experience - this takes practice, time, and patience. But it did happen. There was a shift. There were slips and falls. There were hits and misses. There were scores and touchdowns. Oh what the hell am I saying? Look - just take it nice and slow. Hang in there with Mental Girl. Remember Mental Girl encourages you to find your inner superhero. Find her/him.
Once they reveal themselves (or rather once you notice them) it's going to be amazing!
Start looking for your costume!
The order has been placed! Self respect and boundaries, with a side of courage - please. Thank you. I'm going to sip it, enjoy it, slather it on...okay - I'm getting a little away with my metaphors. They're running hither and thither. Hither and thither? What the hell is that? Well, I have courage, self respect and....yes...I am saying hither and thither.
I'm telling you - really - REALLY - this taking care of myself, liking myself, and working through my shit is really rewarding. Oh sure...it's exhausting, scary, nerve wracking and just plain mind blowing at times - but in the end - it feels much better than the old ways of self shaming, self criticizing, self judging and this weird punishing thing I did about EVERYTHING I did. Because, let me tell you - most people don't go through all of that. They do what they do - they don't even notice half the shit they do - and they go on their merry way.
So I have to pick up my bootstraps and get cracking with some self respect and boundaries today with Ursula. I have an issue - it's personal. But I feel a strong urge that for us to move forward, I will have to clear some energy, thoughts and feelings. I am hoping (oh I really REALLY hope) that she is going to be pleased and open to it. This has a lot to do with the work we have been doing. Okay - so it's a discussion with her - but what better person to go through a little mucky muck with - than her. I'll get her in the right setting - a healing setting - and I am hoping I will experience how good it feels when I try on the self respect and boundaries - even with a healer, a therapist, a baker or a Quaker.
I did a podcast this morning:
I've also been putting myself out there on Instagram. Singing! I posted a couple yesterday.
It does feel good to sing.
I also changed my profile picture on Twitter and Instagram. Why? Because it's fun. And I say why not?
Working on yourself, your issues - sorting through your past and all that business - it's exhausting work. It's also a relief when you come out stronger. But why not get silly in between? Find things you like to do and just go for it. Do something willy nilly! Small or big.
Take time to breathe. I'll do it with you - right now. Inhale. Exhale. Drop the shoulders. Relax the body. Feels good, right?
Be good to you. Okay?
I'm not getting up early. I was getting up early. Well - we fell behind with the time change...and now I'm getting up later - which is sort of weird because I gained an hour. But on top of that...I'm not sleeping well...and that affects my mood. Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. What to do? Well, I need to figure things out because complaining and not doing anything about it - isn't working either.
I did a podcast this morning:
I really do believe in me. You know? I've worked hard and practiced a lot - and even though I'm not perfect - I have my flaws - I'm human - I like me. Yes, there are some "issues" coming up for me - and I can tell this "frazzled" feeling is a sign that I need to work on some shit. (ooops - it slipped out) I think I just need to triple dose myself with some good self care and the solutions will come.
I would like to share something neat - a simple thing - that happened this morning. Sit down. Oooh, grab your coffee or tea - I've got mine. Take a sip. Ahhhhh. Okay, so I went for my walk and then it was off to the market. The market - well - I don't really like marketing. I get a little stressed. My OCD still kicks in and I worry about what to buy. I'm working on it. I'm getting better. I just worry people watch me picking out stuff - and I feel like I might look a little weird standing there while I pick the right item. I know I have a serious look on myself - my hair is frizzy - I don't get all dolled up for the market.
But get this! I've actually changed stores! Yes! That's a big deal. I just found out that this other store (same company - but different location) stocks their shelves in the morning. The one I was going to apparently stocks their shelves at night so it's slim pickings most mornings. I didn't know that! A girl at the new store I'm going to told me! And it's true! This one is fully stocked, I don't have to worry about validating my parking, and the clerks there are super nice.
So, I was at the checkout and the cashier - he was a young kid - not a kid like a small kid - they don't hire children - but an adult - a young adult - it's just fun to say kid - ooops I'm rambling - anyway I was bagging away - I always bag my stuff (a little OCD - but mostly because it's helpful). I like doing it. I also feel it makes the whole process quicker. I notice the checkers appreciate it too. So...I'm baggin - things are happening - moving along - and then...there was a glitch. A glitch in their system. I could tell the kid didn't get why it was happening. He called for some help. They actually weren't that helpful. He just couldn't figure it out. There was no one in line breathing down our necks. For some reason, I had patience. Sometimes, by this point, I want to get the hell out of the store. But I was calm and guess what happened? I'll tell you! I figured it out! Yeah me! I said, why don't you blip, bop, and bloop instead of zag zip zop - and he did it - and sure enough it worked! I felt good, and he felt good (he thanked me for bagging too) - we smiled at each other and agreed patience and team work did the trick. I was outta there as quick as a dog shakes his tail. What? I don't know. Yesterday I was British - now I'm Southern. What the hell.
I guess the takeaway from all of that was solutions do come. Teamwork does win the day. It's OK. It's OK to need help, ask for help, receive help - take the help, be thankful for the help and then give it out when you can. It was one of those feel good moments and I took it all in.
I hope you have them today. Don't sell yourself short. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture - something huge - but look at your skills - how you solve things - how you help. I'll bet something you do puts a smile on someone's face and a warm feeling in their heart.
Bollocks, so I've had a bit of a panic lately. What's up Rebecca? Well, I've been looking over it - this happened over the weekend - and I've come to the conclusion - not only do I need to do a bit of spot cleaning to my self care routine - I'm ready to make some more changes to my thinking. Eh, excuse me, why do I sound British? Well first of all I love the British, have a strong connection with all things British, and I was listening to British comedians in the car while I did my morning errands. I'm literally writing with an English accent right now. Actually it might be British with a tad of Irish thrown in. It's fun. Try it.
All right - so I did a podcast this morning and here it is: (I didn't do it in a British accent. Oh I wish. Wouldn't that be grand?)
I've revealed a little bit of my fragile self. I hope it helps you to hear it.
Oh, and I'll share an Instagram post about dealing with anxiety.
I posted it just the other day. When you look on there - check out the video posted in the last couple days - it will a view of the sidewalk. But then it's me talking. I apologize for the wobbles - I mean with the camera - not me. Although - I was probably having a bit of a wobble too. Wow! I can't stop thinking with a British accent!
So I set out to do my chores and I went to get a coffee and bumped into one of the local wankers. (Being British is delightful). We started talking about the holidays. For me, it's fun. For him - his Grinch came out. Well, it was rather interesting because at first he pointed to his phone (he had a picture of Jesus on his phone) and said "It's his birthday not yours!" Then he preceded to discuss the downfall of Christmas because of greed. Oh dear! I said - well, that's one way to look at it. I told him I happen to enjoy it. I leave the "shopping pressure" out of it. I said, I love to decorate and get silly. He looked at me - and I think for one second - he thought - shit. He was out of lines. He was out of breath. Sure he could continue and call my view of Christmas rubbish - but I was talking about love, delight, good cheer and fun. I feel Jesus would approve. I guess he decided why piss on her parade? I'm glad. I'll admit - it was actually a fun conversation. He wasn't mean. He just thought I would join his bandwagon of grrrr, bah humbug. And I didn't. I was me. That felt brilliant.
Well, I'm off to finish my morning routine and get some stuff done. I'm glad I bopped in here to chat with you ole' sods. I hope you have a glorious day.
The day after gobble
and all through the house
It seemed the family did wobble
They didn't eat like a mouse.
All right...that's enough. I'm not good with poetry.
So the day after "the big meal".....otherwise known as Thanksgiving. Wooosh. I still feel stuffed. Even if I plan to eat like a small mouse - I don't. If you're like me and you don't eat all day - because you want to be ready to eat all the food - and then you do - and the mouse is your brain says, "I told you. Eat small." If you had dinner late like ours - it was 2 hours late - so we all mooched into the feast when it was ready - like hungry lions. It was good though. After the grouchies simmered down - and we tasted the food - and really appreciated my mom who worked on making it so wonderful - we got it. We felt it. We felt the gratitude.
Gratitude. It's a nice word. But it can also be a shaming word - depending on how it's used. "Be grateful for what you have. Stop complaining. Someone has it worse than you!" You see? That doesn't sound loving. Or...."Hey kiddo. You're wonderful. I'm grateful to have you in my life. I'm grateful you are here." Sounds different right? Now that sounds like love.
I'm taking deep breaths today trying to soothe the aches and pains...dammit...that's why I'm achy. Sorry - I had a interrupting thought. I've been wondering why am I so achy. Well I did yard work yesterday. It had rained all night and the leaves were heavy - and I was heaving and hoeing them into the can to get them out for trash pick up today. And...oh yeah! Excuse me - had another interrupting thought. I fell asleep on the couch last night. Couch sleeping never feels good by morning. Deep breaths Rebecca. Remember - I got the good coffee this morning. I splurged. I also returned some ice cream and candy that I bought - we didn't need more of it - bought too much - took those back - and bought a couple Xmas decorations. See the little Gump Tree up there? It's a lemon cypress tree. It's a reminder - when I'm grouchy - to check in - what's going on - and proceed forward with kindness. Soft tones.
I did a podcast this morning. Actually I ended up doing two because the first one went poof. So the second one isn't as juicy - but it's there. Here it is:
How ever you decide to spend the day after Gobble - which is what I'm going to call it - I don't like the name Black Friday. I hope you do spend it with self love, self care and self kindness. Try it on. It will fit - trust me.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for your support.
As I've said, I do enjoy the holidays. I just don't enjoy it when I start to put pressure on myself to make it "perfect". Also, I'm not a Martha Stewart type who has lists and big plans and wants to dot the i's and cross the t's. For me - I want to make sure we have the basics - giggles, love and joy. That's first and foremost. And then...I hope to have to some eggnog, pumpkin pie, ice cream - oh...I'm forgetting something. Food! Yeah, I'm a sweets girl - so the sweets are more important to me.
Well - I got lucky. I've got a family who is taking some of the pressure off me and taking on some of the chores. I got the sweets! I'll get the house clean. They have the food. Yay!
I did a podcast this morning:
And I did a little video which I posted on Instagram:
You know - doing both the podcast and the short video - exposing my raw and fragile self - really helped. It reminded me it's ok. So many people out there don't have a lot. They don't have any family. They're lonely. The holidays bring even bigger sadness and feelings of disappointment to some. So it's strange to find myself complaining now. It's uncomfortable when I hear others, with a lot of money, big families, big homes - and they're complaining about the stress. It's good to put things in perspective.
It's also VERY important to do that self care work. Talk lovingly to yourself. If you haven't been practicing - practice now. If you have a big family party to go tomorrow and you feel nervous, overwhelmed or panicking - lay it on thick. I am worthy. I am part of this family. I have energy, vitality and I can communicate. I am clear, calm and courageous. Whatever words you can use to soothe yourself - do it.
I wish you all a wonderful holiday- whatever you do. If it's just you - that's ok. Go do something special for yourself. Watch funny movies. Read a good book. Get a pumpkin muffin. Get some eggnog. I know these may sound like simple solutions. I know they aren't. They're just suggestions to ease your kind deserving heart.
We all deserve love, joy, laughter and kindness.
Thank you for being here.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I have participated in all kinds of gatherings. I've had big parties - where both friends and family are welcome, and the turn out is lots of people eating and laughing in the house. I've had small gatherings. I've eaten out at a restaurant with just my mom. I've engaged in food fights, had emotional crying outbursts, and one year we tried Cornish Hens instead of turkey. Cause why not?
In the last several years, we've kept it simple. I actually like it. The idea of getting on a plane with the family flying somewhere cold (because my husband's family lives where the temperatures drop below 0) - just doesn't appeal to me. We've done it. I end up actually feeling more alone and overwhelmed at a huge gathering - than hanging with the intimate family nibbling and noshing on good food.
The holiday's delight me. But let me explain why. It's because I've been fine tuning what delights me. And sometimes that's a stay at home - small relaxing holiday wearing pajamas. Okay - I haven't done that yet - but doesn't that sound delightful? Eat in your p.j.'s. You're already in comfy clothes - so when you feel full, tired and just want to lie down - you're ready in perfect attire for the occasion.
I think some of us feel the pressure of putting on that "perfect" holiday show. But what is perfect? My idea of perfect is laughter, joy, calm, and feeling at peace.
Whatever it is you will be doing - take care of you. I will take moments to just look around and say - hey - I'm grateful for me. I'm grateful I'm here. I'm grateful for my family, friends and pets .I'm grateful I have what I have - and I don't have to look at what anyone else has - because my plate - looks pretty good.
And I wish that good delicious feeling for you too.
Here is the latest podcast:
Keep taking those moments to look at yourself and say I'm OK. I'm worthy. I have a place here. I'm healing. I deserve to feel and be loved.
Oh dear. I've had the crankies. I've been in a good mood too. I can shift back and forth. It's just when the crankies come...oh dear. I can feel myself just getting hot and bothered over stuff. I've had to check myself a couple times. What's up Rebecca? You really want to commit to all of that? Is that really the direction you need to take - right now - over that? Sometimes - I say yes! Yes I do. Other times - I'm looking at the situation and I see there is truth to be uncovered- I wait - and breathe - and I think this is an opportunity for some growth and I don't want to miss it.
I speak a bit about the crankies in my podcast:
Also I did a short video that I posted on Instagram:
I've been reading this great book about mindfulness. It's called 'The Mindful Code' by Donald Altman. I highly recommend it. I read it once on the Kindle. There was just so much information to take in, I had to buy the book in actual book form as well. I'm really glad I did. It takes time to learn and practice all of this stuff. It takes time to shed my old ways - and build and practice new tools that actually - when I use them - even taking small steps forward - they do work.
I also read this great book called 'How To Think' by Alan Jacobs. Another recommended book if you want to keep your mind open and get in the mindset that there is "always" something new to learn. I really enjoyed it. It actually has helped me with the crankies. Because the reason I'm having the crankies, is I get irritated with people. I don't understand them sometimes. I just don't understand some of the mindsets around here. But in this book, it talks about opening yourself to learning - understanding that everyone has their own mindset - and before I head off into an argument - especially a heated one - take a minute. Think about it.
I'm not perfect. I never say I am. If anything, I've walked around for years feeling like I'm less then, or I just don't get this "life thing" and I use to feel I was doing it all wrong. But now - I do like myself more. And...even though the crankies come up - it's not attractive - I'm dealing with it. I like who I am. I'm actually doing a lot right. I'm trying to be more communicative - apologize when I can - and have open discussions when possible. I also practice being silent until I can calmly speak.
I love the holiday season. But it can also be a time of emotions. There are expectations, feelings of competition, old wounds open up, family arguments - and then - there are deep soothing breaths, acknowledging my blessings, feeling gratitude for all the things I do have, letting go of the comparison game, letting go of old past stuff that doesn't serve me any more, not having family arguments - being open to non violent loving communication.
Take it easy on yourself. Mental Girl is here - in your corner.
I don't turn a blind eye to all the advice I've gotten about exercise. I do think it's important. I've joined gyms - I've done the classes - I've tried some of the new fangled stuff. And some of it - it's just not for me. I think moving - getting my joints and muscles activated is important. I move around. I stretch. I garden. I do housework. I do a lot of housework. I've got a house full of family and pets - so there is a lot of cleaning around here. I go a lot of walks. Those things get me moving - and I like to do them. But come on! I don't believe in shaming or guilting people into starting an exercise routine. I believe in encouraging them to find the right exercise for them - and to encourage them to enjoy it - because that's the way I believe you'll stay motivated.
Hey, think about it. When I squat down and clean the cat box - I am working my muscles. When I stand and do dishes - I can squeeze my butt and stand on my tip toes - and get some butt exercises in. I do the tree pose every morning. I actually enjoy doing that one in the morning. When I get outside and pull weeds - I'm working a lot of muscles. I take my walks, taking pictures, watching the neighbors and the neighborhood - so I end up enjoying it. My body is moving and I begin to percolate. I also have - and it's taken time - kicked it up a notch - and I'm trying a walk/run three times a week. I'm doing some pushups, plank and squats. But.....BUT....I don't overdo it. I do what I can. Most of the time - it's around 10 - 15 of them. I can hold plank for maybe....20 seconds. But it's something. Sure - other people are doing 5 sets of 10. Holding plank for 2 minutes. Good for you. This isn't a competition. I'm here to feel good about myself, my body and my mind.
So I did a quick podcast this morning:
I'm excited about the weekend because I'm going to see some friends. I'm still celebrating turning 50. I took the whole month to do it. I figured - since I didn't want a party - too expensive and overwhelming - I decided to have a bunch of one-on-ones. So far - it's going pretty good.
To being me! To being you. There's plenty for all of us. Mental Girl is here to remind you to stay on the self care path - it's ok - you aren't alone.