I enjoy Halloween. I enjoy dressing up. I enjoy creativity, magic, playfulness - it's Halloween! And that's the perfect time to let some of it out. I don't need Halloween to do this - but it certainly is a good excuse to get a little wild.
So I pulled out a couple wigs and started to put them on - and I just began to have some fun. I even sang a little bit. I posted it on Instagram if you would like to take a peek.
I'm having a good time. I believe it's important to relish in the delicious fun holiday that Halloween is to me and my family.
I did my podcast this morning. Here it is:
I think Halloween provides something for everyone. You like candy? There's candy! You like being silly? Get dressed and get out there. Put a wig on. You like spooky movies? There are loads to choose from. You want to stay home and snuggle under the blankets? Go for it.
Just remember...sssssshhhhhh……..come closer....closer......do YOU on Halloween. Do what makes YOU feel happy. HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEN!
I'm up. That's what I've got to brag about right now. I'm up - I got moving - went for my walk - went to the market - and now I'm back. And I'm still up. I say that because I would like to go back to sleep. Just curl under the warm covers and just sleep. But I know - if I do that - I won't feel good after I get up. I like to save those "climb back and snuzzle" moments for when I'm deliciously into it - it's like a treat. Not because I've got some grouchies going on.
I woke up from some funky dreams, felt achy and having some weird thoughts. I was frustrated that I still get those weird dark thoughts. I spoke a little bit about in today's podcast. Here it is:
Let's put it this way - I like the cartoon Maxine. I think she's a hoot. I like putting up her funny cartoons. But I don't want to live in Maxine's world. She is grouchy - all the time. Yes, I'm realizing this "growth" and "healing" stuff takes a lot of energy. It takes daily practice. It takes awareness. It's 24/7. But I'm also realizing it's worth it. Because what is the alternative? I do not want to be grouchy, angry, bitter, scared, fearful - all the time. No - not for me. Okay - so all of my dark thoughts, my worrying thoughts are not out yet. Well - it stands to reason I was given them for a reason. Sure - I've used it as a weird self punishing tool - but it wasn't, in my belief - designed for that. I don't have to use those dark thoughts for that any longer. I think we need them. We need the contrast. We need the edge. It keeps us aware and questioning shit. Right? That's my thought.
So the daily work - ok. I get it. I'm on it. Chop wood, carry water. If you don't remember, I spoke about it in a blog a while back. Also - I speak about it in my work with Ursula in the section Unveiling With Ursula.
It's ok Rebecca. It's OK. I think it's nice to tell myself that from time to time. It feels good. It's me telling me - I've got you. I see you. I feel you. I'll work with you. It's OK.
It sure was foggy this morning. I posted a video on Instagram of my morning walk. Here it is:
It looked so much foggier in person. I will post some pictures in my Clickity Clak section. It was foggy yesterday morning too and I had a great time walking in it. The neighborhood was quiet. I walked through the streets in the gray damp fog. It was nice. This morning was even thicker - like pea soup! Yes, I said it. I had to. It really was! I was walking and at one point - I got a little spooked. Well, Halloween is coming, I've been watching Horror movies, I let my mind get away from me for a second - wow! That mind of mine can certainly take a thought and run with it. But I grabbed it and said come on! We're safe and this is relaxing - and pay attention - there are lots of cars around.
I saw kids walking to school. I saw neighbors. It was nice. Fog does have a smell. There is a fog smell. I can't explain it. It's woodsy, cold, damp - but those adjectives don't quite describe it. If you come up with a word to describe the smell of fog - please - let me know.
I did my podcast. Here it is:
It was fun doing my podcast in the fog. I felt like I had you guys with me.
Well, it's Monday. Oh...I'll tell you this...I'm about to turn 50. Yes! Right now I'm 49, and I'm enjoying the last bit of my 40's. But 50! I'm still working on my "beauty care" project. I took a bit of a pause - but I'll go back. I'm still using my products from Botanic Organic. Again, if you haven't already, check them out. It's a good company - family owned. I know the owner now and she's wonderful. They have good natural products.botanicorganic.com/
I'm still trying to figure out how to get my hair to cooperate, which clothes really feel good, and to pick good makeup. But I'll get there. The one thing I managed to do before I turn 50 - and this makes me not only happy - but to me is the most important thing - I like me. I've been taking care of me. I'm a more confident, relaxed, calm person. Now that doesn't mean I'm all Zen and have perfected everything. Oh no. I've loads to do. But this means - I care about who I am - I like what's inside - and I'm going to continue to take care of myself. That's a lot. This is a HUGE leap for me. I've been waiting for this feeling for a LONG time. I was worried at one point I would never get here. But I did - I have. Mental Girl swooped in and really saved me. Thank you Mental Girl. Thank you Rebecca. Thank you my true, best Self - for hanging in there all this time.
It doesn't matter how long it took me - it doesn't matter how many times I had to get up and try again- it doesn't matter that I still have more healing to do - it doesn't matter if other people figured out how to like themselves way before I did - I'm here NOW.
Wow. I don't learn new tools, have an AHA moment and then everything is right as rain. Nope. I go over it and over it and over it...and practice again and again and again. But I'm hanging in there! I'm here! It IS a lot of work.
I took a walk with a friend yesterday and I said to her "it's like having a pebble in my shoe. I'm out walking and have about a half hour until I get home. Am I going to be in pain the whole way, or will I take the time to lean against a wall or sit down for a second and take that frickin' pebble out? Okay, I've left the pebble in before. But not anymore! I want to walk in comfort. I want to live in comfort. Allowing people to walk all over me, be rude, or not speak up - is like a pebble in my shoe.
Let me tell you, being my authentic self, honoring who I am, speaking from my relaxed self with kindness but declaring boundaries - it takes patience. There are times it doesn't feel comfortable because I'm finding out the person I'm talking to doesn't respect me. Urgh. Now, they may WANT to respect me and now have to relearn and let go of some old habits - ways they were treating me. - so we can have a better relationship. But he others? Out those go! I don't want to live feeling like everyone is more important? Not for me! Not anymore. I am important. YOU are important. This is not for the faint of heart. Let me tell you. I get nervous, flustered, angry, scared and want to back up! Back up! But once I get going - and I've gotten going - it feels really good after the discomfort passes. I want to find and hang with people who like me for me - instead of how I let them walk all over me - or I'm just there to hear their monologues.
As I wrote in Mental Girl, being too nice - no good. Sure, be nice - but sprinkle that nice shit on yourself.
All right...here's today's podcast:
Have a great weekend. A toast to us - the us who are pulling up our bootstraps and feeling and seeing and experiencing the value to the self care work. A toast to us - who are willing to brave the discomfort - to have better relationships. You are NOT alone in this - and you won't be alone in this - I believe our tribe is out there. There are many people out there doing this work too. I'm here.
I feel setting boundaries is important, and the boundaries you set are important to protect. Not walls. Not heavy armor. But good strong respectful boundaries for myself. This is a hard step for me. I always figured, don't rock the boat, don't make people mad, be nice and then get away. But what have I done to myself? I'm a nervous angry wreck. People walk away thinking they can walk all over me. They figure - she's not complaining - I can continue with this behavior. It's not good. I, frankly, have had enough.
I've been working on this - and it's NOT easy. So I'm not suggesting I had some AHA moment and now I'm a walking ball of confidence. I think you can tell from my podcasts, my posts and this blog - I'm a work in a progress. But guess what? As I sit up straight. Sure you can't see me. But I know. I'm sitting up straight and proud because I'm aware there is work to be done. I deserve this self love step. This will require awareness, practice, a lot of compassion and understanding that I may not get it every time. But now that I'm aware how important this step is - I'm willing to go through the twists and turns. Hey, like the corn maze!
Here is today's podcast:
I was late getting up today. But that's ok. Wow - the warm bed felt good.
Okay - so I did go to the market today. I got a lot of goodies. It's Fall and there is pumpkin biscotti - and it's fabulous. As I was being rung up, by a cashier I've chatted up with before, he made a "joke" about all the "midnight snacks" I was purchasing. I was a little annoyed. Now looking back - I wish I could have used humor - and said "Just ring em up pal - I don't need the commentary." But seriously? I didn't want to commit. I did find myself getting a little defensive - just for a minute. But to be honest - I was more involved in bagging my groceries and getting the heck out of there. But see? There will be opportunities all day long to set those boundaries. That could have been one. Again - being observant about where I am, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking - that is a HUGE part of the self awareness and mindful work I'm doing. I'm still on the chapter in my book about just being aware of where you are - RIGHT NOW. And when my mind wanders - wants to be somewhere else - or hurry the task - or is judging my every move I can take the opportunity and just observe and give my mind a little nudge - "Hey - let's stay here, shall we? Okay - next time - you'll work on your boundary issue. But hey, you saw it this time."
Setting boundaries with people is risky. I really don't know how they will react. But their reaction to my setting respectful boundaries for myself - is none of my concern. That's on them. That's their work. Not mine. I do ME.
All right - I'm going to look through my pictures and post some cool stuff in the Clickity Clak section. You protect those boundaries, okay? We can do this!
I had just gotten out for my walk, was doing my podcast, talking about my scary dream last night - and RATS! I mean it! There was a rat lying on the sidewalk. Eeeeek! You know I just stopped. He was all curled up. I could see his ears twitching. Dammit. I think he was expiring. Which is sad and gross at the same time. Okay, I'm a bit squidgy (I know probably not a word) about these things. I get grossed out because I think rats are dirty (some are - not all) and then I feel bad because he did look cute and helpless - and then I think about children stories - oh crap. Well - I watched him for a little bit. I tried to direct walking traffic around him. And - took a deep breath and believe it's nature. There is not much I could do. Plus - it's interesting - not only was I discussing this spooky dream I had - but in the dream I was freaking out about germs. So, I'm not about to touch a dying rat in the road.
I ended up having a nice walk. Came across this brick house I like - that I never really took the time to admire. So I took some pictures. I'll post in my Clickity Clak section.
I went back home and took off to get some coffee and some oatmeal at the Farmer's Market. Ran into a neighbor, who also happens to be in the "biz". I've talked about him before. Fred Stoller. He is such a nice guy. We chatted a bit about L.A. getting crowded, him still trying to make it in this nutty biz, and about out writing projects - which we both do. He has a lot of books on Amazon as well. For Fred - go take a look. He's worth the read.
So I'm back home to get some writing done and then I need to get my butt going to go help one of my best friends.
I'm still enjoying the Halloween spirit. I actually feel like going as either Mortecia or Elvira. Probably Mortecia - because I don't really have the boobs for Elvira. But I'm posting a picture of her here because it's my mood. And I dealt with a lot of spooky stuff very well! Elvira would be proud of me.
So here's today's podcast:
There is a method to my madness. I'm squeamish about going out to eat lately. It just seems every time I got out, I'll spot food, lipstick (not mine), smudges on the plates and cupt - and blech! I just feel there's a sloppy attitude lately in the food industry. I don't want to send my food back or cups back all the time. It sets my germaphobe and OCD thoughts a blazing. I'll wonder are they giving me a new plate or are they just wiping it off? I wonder if are they spitting in my food? I know! It's a little bit much. When I see a barista making my coffee with her long hair and she's either touching her hair a lot or swishing her hair around a lot - egads! Thoughts a blazing. Last keep I kept my eyes glued to a piece of hair dangling off the barista's head - to make sure it didn't wind up in my coffee. I laugh at myself sometimes. Other times, I might just walk away and not get anything. It's too much thinking. Today - I went to get my coffee. A girl next to me had ordered black coffee. She got her coffee and guess what she says?! "Excuse me miss, there's a hair in my coffee!" See! See! It can happen. Oh my goodness.
I'm trying to work with my thoughts and relax with my thoughts. Some are just spot on observations. Some are a little far fetched and out there. But I'm learning it's OK - to have them. It's OK to set boundaries around them. It's OK to communicate them when I'm feeling courageous and confident. It's OK. Other times - it's still OK to have them but I'm OK letting some of them go.
I did my podcast this morning. Here it is:
I had a nice walk. Got my coffee. I'm pouring it into my favorite blue cup and sipping while writing this blog. Is it called a blog? Is the whole thing a blog? Are these blog entries? Writings? Ramblings? Sip coffee. Brain activated. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I'm still working on my mindful practice. It's all about awareness. It's all about allowing in - and then allowing out. It's all about finding that peaceful spot. Ooooh, I think I remember what the first practice is....it just came to me, as I was doing it - and writing. It talks about getting distracted. Going from one thing to another. Wishing you were somewhere else - doing something else - or thinking about the task ahead - when you are working on a task now. (Whisper: I'm doing it right now.) Ooops. Okay - I'm aware I'm doing it - that's good. It talks about being content in the spot you are in RIGHT NOW. Being content doing whatever it is you are doing right now. Or just being present. It's not easy with a busy mind - but it's doable. It's kind of cool that I happened to bring my awareness to the present moment and the practice - right now while I was writing. As I write, I'm present and can hear the keys tapping - my phone actually buzzed - I was aware it took my attention (the sound did) - but I didn't look at it - I kept writing. Well done Rebecca.
It's the baby steps that make me have one of those AHA moments. I like it.
Oh so much to practice and much to learn young me. Yep, I still consider myself young, because I'm learning so many new tools and information. If I look at it from this perspective, it's kind of exciting. It means I'm not done healing, which means I'm not done growing, which means I'm not done! I've loads to do. I read this quote and I just get it. But I get it for myself too. Do I listen to reply? I do sometimes. I want to listen more to....learn.
I woke up this morning feeling very....oh what's the word....delighted with the world. I felt delighted with myself. Last night I ended up having an open dialogue with a friend about politics. It was incredible. No fighting. I didn't feel lectured. I felt heard. I learned some things. I felt open to listen and really hear. It was really great. I highly recommend it. Do you know what it is? It's non violent, compassionate, and respectful communicating. Ideas, thoughts and feelings are exchanged in a comforting environment. We ended the conversation - to be continued.... Whoooeeee! I want more!
I did my podcast this morning and here it is:
I did take pictures on my walk this morning and I'll post them in Clickity Clak...so head on over there after you read this....I should have them posted shortly.
I found these two quotes and they just felt perfect. Perfect for practicing patience and listening. It's not easy. But I'm going to figure this out. I will!
Wow...I'm heading towards 50! I can't believe it. It's coming right around the corner. I'm not scared. I'm taking time to enjoy my 40's....and I'm excited because....I'm on mission...and that mission is me. I'm into ME! That's not a bad feeling to have. So sure, it feels a little whoa...whoa...I'm going to be 50? And then it feels like hey....I'm going to be 50! There is still lots to do!
I decided to have some Green Tea this morning. My favorite brand is Yogi Tea. Each bag comes with a message.
This morning's message to me was "Your strength is your own belief." I do believe that to be true. I think when you believe in yourself and your own personal beliefs - you are a stronger person. However, your weakness, in my humble opinion, is when you believe you are always right - that your beliefs are the only way to see things. Uh.....
I did my podcast this morning. Here it is:
I'm not sure if I clarified....made perfectly clear...that all of my podcasts, my blogs, even my books - are my thoughts, my opinions, and my ramblings. And I, by no means, intend to offend you or make you feel as if I'm trying to convince you of my ways. Now, I'll admit, if you agree, relate, or say "you know she has a point - I like her style" - that will make me feel good. But you are under no obligation to agree with me. I'm sure you already knew that - but I just had to put it on record.
I like speak out, as many others do. I like to "have my say". I like to speak my monologues. That's why I have a blog. My blog is all of my monologues. You know, I share more here at times, than I do out in the world. Whisper: I don't like arguing. If I see an argument coming, my mental brakes screech on, and I usually reroute.
I was out on my walk this morning and I did feel a bit tense, a little off put, I guess - and I figured - why not be honest with myself about it and share that with you all. Let's put it this way - I'm human, as you are, and not every one of my moves is going to be mature, graceful and impressive. I'll be doing my blog one second, perfectly cheerful, in the groove - and something can piss me off - as I'm writing! I guess that's life. Right?
I'm taking lots of deep breaths. I'm still working through and practicing some of the new mindful exercises- which I got from a book. It's not bad. The exercises are simple, direct and not too hard. Oh, the writing in the journal - all my negative thoughts - I don't know why that is so hard! My hand cramps up and that pisses me off. I've got some negative chitter chatter going on in the ole' noggin. I'm trying. I'm taking it piece by piece.
I'm trying to keep it simple. I'm trying to feel my feelings. I'm trying to take a lot of deep soothing (hit the pause button) deep breaths. All in good time Jedi. I'm not a Star Wars buff or fan - I just wanted to say that.
Enjoy your day. Thanks for being here.
We all have stuff to deal with. We all deal with "life stuff" and if you spend a lot of time on social media, which I try not to do, you will see a little too much "life stuff". And I personally don't think we need to see everyone's life stuff. We have our tribe of friends and family. That's enough. Believe me. Would you agree? We all, in our lives, in our friends' lives and within our family's lives - have a shit load of life stuff happening every day. I don't think it's healthy to stuff our minds with too much beyond that. Now I'm not suggesting sticking your head in the sand - unless that would make you a happier healthier person - than you know what - have it. But do we need to be this involved in everyone's lives? I believe....no.
I was hanging with friends yesterday and they barely talked about themselves. They talked about other people. They were so filled with information that they wanted to regurgitate, preach and lecture - I was completely exhausted when I left. No one knew, as I sat there that my friend's dad passed that morning. I'll be honest, I would have preferred talking about delicious desserts the entire time. It was politics, religion, and "stupid people". I left disenchanted with the conversation and frankly - a little bit with my friends. I know they are good people, with good intentions and they want to save the world! But what if these people they want to "save" don't want to be saved and are happy with their lives. They were speaking as if they were right. There was no other way to look at the discussion. That made me sad. Not because I didn't entirely agree with them, not because the stuff I didn't agree with - I stuffed down because I knew an argument would start - but because their attitude and words were so ego driven - so dismissive - so unaware. So what can I do about it?
Well...I'll just keep checking in with myself. I know that it bugged me - so if it bugged me - on some level - I may do it and don't like it when I do. So more healing work and more practice for me.
I did a podcast today. Here it is:
I took some pictures and I'll post on Clickity Clak.
I did find a picture right before I got my morning coffee. It caught my eye - and I had to take it. Someone put it on their house. They nailed it right up there for all to see - and I think it's awesome.