Embracing it all. At least doing my best to accept, be aware, and allow all the feelings to run through me - keeping the ones that lead me to growth - and letting go of the ones which no longer serve and heal me.
Every morning - I do the tree pose. I like this pose. I'll admit I don't like all the yoga poses. Downward do? Nay. But tree pose - yes I like. I breath in and breathe out and speak lovingly to myself. One of the things I say to myself is "I release thoughts, the past and worries like leaves and old branches on a tree." It feels good to say that. Because after that I say "I embrace the new growth, new healing, and new thoughts into my mind."
I'm almost at the end of my garage project. Okay, who am I kidding, this will always be an ongoing project. I'll go at it again, clearing and cleaning again. But it is pretty organized now. I would have liked to give you before and after pictures - but I just couldn't. I was embarrassed. There was so much stuff - so much clutter. I need to keep that private. But use your imagination if you like. And then imagine a cleaner, more organized space. It feels good.
I found this picture. I love this picture. I did a photo/modeling shoot for a friend. She had designed this dress and she wanted me to wear it for an evening. I walked around a huge circle along with other friends wearing her clothes for all to see. I was turning another direction. I felt it. I felt better about myself. I felt like I was more accepting of myself. I had lots more work to do ahead (I can see that now) - but when I see this picture - I remember thinking - I look good. It's rare when I look at picture and say that. So I'm showing this one off.
Here is today's podcast:
I'm still doing my 7 day black and white photo challenge. So take a look on my blog. I'll be posting another picture later. What will I take a picture of? Hmmm....
Happy Birthday to my Mommy! She is adorable! She didn't think so. She said she always thought this was a goofy picture. She told me she hadn't learned to drive yet - she got in the car - and pretended to drive. I told her - you were playful - it's sweet - it's a beautiful picture. My mom never thought she was beautiful. She still is! She turns 83 today.
I did a podcast this morning.
Lots of thoughts are stirring up - surprisingly positive. I don't want to get too melancholy about my mom aging. Sure it gets a scary at times - wondering when her last day will be, how I will handle it, and how much I will miss her. But then I think - stop it. How does that maudlin, sad, overthinking help me? It doesn't. She's here now. She's 83! That's awesome!
There is something to enjoy your days, your family, your time here, because we don't have a crystal ball and aren't able to "put in our order" way of thinking. But wait! Maybe we can put in our order. Maybe the order is - live. Live, live, live. Live it all. Love to live.
My father passed away when I was very young. I still miss him. It sucked. But you know what? He lived. He was here. He had his time. I need to survive here - and I know my brain goes to dark places when I feel like I can't control anything. I've learned to accept it - however - not to dwell on it so much. I've learned it's okay to just be here. We don't have to tackle everything. We don't have to do it all. We are here. We are here to live, learn and love. I think it can be that simple.
As I've been writing in my "I Gotta Be" me theme - that means my view on life. Everyone needs their compass, their inner road map, and their inner survival guide book to get through this thing called life. We all have different ways of looking at it. It's all good. I think the goal is to find what fits - what fits so well so you can find love and enjoyment here - and peace of mind.
Happy Birthday Mama! You've taught me a lot, you've loved and supported me, you've been there with me through thick and thin, and you are beautiful in and out.
It's strange, I've been getting better sleeps. I haven't been waking up every couple hours like I usually do. I've had long stretches where I've slept for five hours. The weirder (I know - not a word) thing is I don't feel rested. I wake up and I just want to stay in bed. I will contribute it to all the hard garage work. This shit is exhausting! And guess what? I still get up. I move my body around- get a walk in - and I'm going!
I'm getting there. I really AM! Thanks for hanging in there with me and listening to all my complaints. I don't mean to whine "so much" - actually - it's not that I'm complaining - well I am - but you know - maybe I actually feel proud of myself that I'm doing all this hard work - feeling the physicality of the whole project - and still going. I would be bragging away if I was running a marathon. I would be saying - ooosh, my feet hurt a little - I'm feeling sore - but I can see the finish line - someone hand me some water!
I can do this. I am doing this!
I found another picture - I believe I'm about 30 here. I was working as a receptionist at a Business Management office for celebrities. It was an ok job. They were good to me. I made lots of nice friends. And most of the stars were nice. One of my favorites? Jack Palance. When this man first walked in the office, I barely moved. I was so nervous. He was so tall - and YES - he does sound like that - deep voice - very attractive even as he aged. But eventually -- this cutie - would waltz up to me and we would have great conversations about his cows - his fun at his ranch. He didn't like to talk business, but he liked to talk cows. He was so sweet.
This sweet girl (yes I think she's sweet) in the picture really went through a lot back then. She handled a divorce, her struggles with panic attacks and agoraphobia. I got a job! I got a job - where I was responsible and had to get there at 8:30am to open up the office. I wrote a lot at that computer. I found a ton of my writings in the garage. I need to go through them. Oh - I wanted to be a successful famous writer. Maybe I am. If you guys know me now - I'm famous. Right?
Well - I need to finish this blog and plan the days schedule. I need to be a mom, wife, sister, daughter, care for our pets and still clean out the garage.
I say to you - whatever is on your schedule - be good to you, okay? Pull out an old picture and look at that person. That's you! That's you - loaded with a ton of beautiful stories about survival, experience and your strengths. Honor that person.
Oh - yes - I did a podcast this morning. I was a bit off my game - but here it is.
And please check out the section called "my blog" because I've been posting black and white pictures. I was nominated to take black and white pictures for 7 days. It's cool. I post both the black and white and color sometimes. I've really enjoyed it actually.
All right - onward! Oh...I need more coffee.
I gotta admit. I'm still just...sort of....um....exhausted.
I did a podcast this morning. Wow...I caught myself. I was letting out a lot of ums....I was getting distracted, I felt utterly exhausted this morning when I first started out on my walk but....wait...where was I going with this train of thought? See? My mind is just goofy right now. Here's today's podcast.
Okay, so I'm tired and my mind is a bit foggy. That's OK. I'm declaring it OKAY. It's okay to feel a little frazzled as one walks down memory lane. I have looked through so much stuff in the past week. Writings, journals, looked through pictures (baby me, young me, teenager me, first husband me, party girl me) and I've sorted through so much stuff already. None of this stuff was organized. It was just tossed in boxes. Tons of boxes. The memories are bouncing around to all kind of years. I go back to the 70's one second - only to zoom to 2006 and up enjoying pictures of my son as a baby and young toddler - then I'm pulled back to the 50's - looking at pictures of my parents before I was born. I've found pictures from the early 1800's of family - some with notes on the back to let me know who the hell these people are - because some of them - I have no clue!
I found this picture.
I believe it was in the early 2000's. I was a bit of a party girl back then. I had divorced from husband #1. I wanted to feel a sense of freedom and let loose. I believe this picture was taken by a boyfriend I was seeing at the time. We got our hands on a polaroid and took lots of pictures. I look a bit hungover here. I was a bit lost then. I was living alone - and figuring things out - but I remember I felt lost and sad a lot.
Life. What can you do? So many stories - each and every one of us has thousands of stories. They are our stories. Share them if you like. Tuck them in your heart if they need safe keeping. But honor them. Honor yourself. It shows growth. It shows change. It shows survival. It shows YOU.
Please feel free to leave comments. I would love to know if you enjoying the podcasts and blogs. I like the mail. Thank you for your support.
I woke up this morning achy. I didn't get up as early as I would have liked. My tooth hurts. I'm tired. I have so much work left to do on the garage. My son caught a cold. We had to cancel some things.
Life. Life is happening. No need to get all stressed out Rebecca.
So I stretched, centered myself, and I spoke loving encouraging self talk to myself- and this popped into my mind. Drama is for entertainment. I don't need to live in it. I actually was quite pleased with this piece of wisdom that came into my mind. That's not bad, I thought. I need to turn that into a bumper sticker.
I set out for my walk - ran an errand - and picked up my coffee. Then I had a therapy session which went very well. I got some good shares in, some more good helpful wisdom from my therapist, and now - I'm ready to see what I can get done today.
I will get back into the garage project. I'm making progress. I've been taking pictures of stuff instead of keeping everything. Sure it's a little extra work, but less stuff is going back in garage - so that makes the extra work totally worth it. I found this. A sweet picture I made for my dad.
This will be a short blog today. I'm ok with that. Short, but sweet is always good.
Hey, I've already done a podcast and here it is:
This "cleaning out garage" project is way outside my comfort zone. I'm getting rid of stuff, letting stuff go, organizing, facing old memories, battling bugs (lots of bugs in those boxes that haven't been touched in years) - and doing this hard physical work.
But yesterday - I worked a little in the morning and then went to a big Homeschooling event with my family. We go to classes, gatherings, and outings - and have lots of friends - but I shy away from the big events. Too crowded. Too much energy. But yesterday - well I felt I had been pushing outside my comfort zone anyway with so many things - why not try this one? I'll admit, I just wanted to go, check it off my list - and then say that's it. No more of those. But we went. And guess what? We had a good time. Sure, there were lots of people. Sure they had lots of energy. Sure it was a long drive. Sure - the whole time- it was outside my comfort zone. But I did it! I even had a germaphobe issue come up. We were at a huge park. The bathrooms didn't have soap. Someone shook my hand (after using the bathroom) and when I went in - and saw there was no soap to wash my hands - well Egads! At first (no one saw) I was doing a little back and forth dance. (Again, no one saw - I was alone in the bathroom). It was one of those - okay Rebecca - what to do? I was grossed out. I was mad at myself - why didn't I fist bump - or just say I don't shake hands. (You know you are entitled to do that. You DON'T have to shake people's hands!) What to do? I took a deep breath - rubbed my hands under water and as the water hit my hands I remembered I keep Purell in the car! So I went to the car and bip bam boo! No one was the wiser. But can I put out a request right now? If you know you haven't washed your hands, and used the bathroom - don't shake my hand...please. Come on.
I ended up doing a lot of sorting yesterday with all these pictures I've found. Wow! Old family photos, photos of lots of old boyfriends, and wonderful photos I just haven't seen in while. I'm not even half way through them yet. I worked hard yesterday - on a lot of things.
At the end of the day - I ended up using another product from Botanic Organic. I used the cleansing oil and then the Honey & Licorice Root Daily Cleansing Grains. You make a small paste with your hands and scrub your face lightly. I need to get better at making a paste - but I'll tell you - my face thanked me. It felt so clean after my shower. Let me tell you, I needed that feeling. I've been feeling so dusty, musty and.....(no one other word rhymes) so feeling clean at the end of the day is important.
Okay - so I'm going to sip on my coffee - soak in my accomplishments and publish this blog. I need to take care of my family, get to work, and get some stuff done in the garage today. I'm geared up! I've taken a walk, picked up my coffee (I went to one of my coffee stompin' grounds - they know me - and the owner gave me a deal today - super inexpensive latte. Half price! Love it!)
Oh I almost forgot to post this Selfie. I took it yesterday morning. I think I knew I was going to stretch myself yesterday. I look proud of myself. That's such a wonderful feeling. Here is the selfie.
And here is my podcast about pushing past my comfort zone.
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The garage project is calling me! So I've got a brief moment to do a quickie blog and then I need to get out there and get to work. I wasn't able to work on it yesterday. I can't allow this garage project to take over and keep me from mama duties, family duties, taking care of myself duties - so I took a break. I had a lot going on yesterday - and I just didn't end up finding the time to work on it.
But today is a new day - and I'm feeling ok - yeah just ok - I'm still a bit achy from all this work - but I'm willing to tackle it and make another dent.
I got out this morning - and walked - and grocery shopped - and made a podcast - and made some coffee - and - jeezus - I need to take a deep breath!
All right - here's today's podcast:
It's a good one. It's about setting your own pace. Everyone should be able to set their own pace - at least at some point in their lives - dang I hope you can just figure out what works for you - and go with that. I think it's important. I think people get stressed out, resentful, angry, sometimes it even makes them feel ill when they are pushed beyond their normal and natural limits. Of course - there are times when we are - and we feel forced and we gotta to do what we gotta do. But every day living, these projects, these events, these choices we make - why are we trying to cram it all in and do it so fast? I don't think we need to. Well, at least, I don't feel I need to. Now? I just need to get over the comparison game, the shame and guilt I feel sometimes - that I'm setting my own pace - and it's different from others.
I'm trying to set my pace for working on myself. Why rush? Yes, I feel like it's taking me a long time to like myself, love myself and figure things out. I didn't have all this together when I was much younger. But guess what? That's my pace.
Here's another picture from long ago.
I'm wearing that cute vintage dress a friend gave me. I think I was in my 30's. I'm just not sure. Dangit! I need to remember to write dates on the back of pictures. Let it go, Rebecca. Anyway - this young girl - however old she was - may not have "had it all together" but she was doing the best she could - just like the older (and wiser) woman who is typing this blog right now is doing.
So, my little gem for today? Set your own pace when you can and when it's doable. Your mind and body will thank you. Look at all the things you do accomplish. Congratulate yourself. And let's make a toast - together - let's attempt not to compare ourselves with other people's paces and be proud of your own imperfectly perfect pace. (How about that tongue twister for the day!)
My brain tells me I have all this energy. My brain convinced me I could clean out the garage in a couple of days. "Come on. Pull everything out. You can sort it. You can organize it. Then you can put it back in. It's a cinch!" Did my brain know how much stuff I had in there? I know you did brain. You helped me put it there!
Well, my body is a little overwhelmed and needs some more time to do this work. I'm not in my 20's anymore. I can't do these kind of projects at super speed. Plus - I believe I used to get half crocked doing shit like this. Now I'm pumped on coffee and wishful thinking.
I woke up achy and tired - but still willing to keep at it. I won't stop until this project is completed. I would post before and after pictures - but I'm too private. This shows my nutty hillybilly ways - and I just can't post proof.
But I'm doing it. I'm getting there. I have a lot ready to be tossed and recycled. Tons of stuff to try and sell. Then - there's the stuff we are keeping - I'm putting away nicely. So I will have some idea of what is in there now.
Walking down memory lane has certainly be interesting - sometimes very pleasant - sometimes sad. But I'm facing it.
I've been finding lots of pictures of me - with many different looks. I've posted some on Twitter and Instagram. Here are a couple more.
Here I am with dark brown or black hair. And it's super short.
And down below - there I am with bleach blond hair. I actually loved it when it was this color. It was fun. Oh and this dress - it's a vintage dress given to me by a friend of mine who collected dresses and happen to pass this gem over to me.
I remember this picture. Sorry, both pictures seem a bit blurry. I was off to House of Blues for a Gospel brunch. I had my sunhat, cute strappy heels (of course they were uncomfortable) - but I was ready to go and having some fun.
Well - onward with all these projects. The newest attitude - as long as I'm moving forward - it doesn't matter what pace I set. So if I need to go a bit slower - slow it is.
Oh I did a quick podcast this morning - here it is:
I have a friend who I have known since I was born - I know totally cool right? How many of us can say we've known friends our whole lives? I think it's neat. Well she's super sweet, quirky, funny, nice and she says this word - that just - it really sums up my situation - and - well my blog right now. She says it - when things aren't "exactly" organized - but your heart is in the right place - the situation/project/life experience can be a little - chucklabuckla. Now I don't know if it's her made up word. It might be a word. Hey, if you know it - please - let me know. I'm not trying to say it's "her word". It might be Yiddish. One day I'll ask her. I just know, in my mind, it's her word, because when I or anyone in my family says it - we all think of her.
I'm spinning a lot of plates right now. Not real plates. Oh wow - I'm clutzy. If I would be spinning plates, I would be cleaning a lot of broken glass. Getting off track here. Stay focused Rebecca. Okay - first and foremost - is my attention to my son. He is starting a lot of new classes, he's trying new things - and I need to be there for him. I want to guide him, direct him, support him and watch him fly with his amazing self. Then there's the house. I have a lot of organizing to do in this house. However, after countless tries at it - just moving things around because nothing would fit in the garage - yep - I went in the garage. I started two days ago and I'm still going at it. It's a lot. I'm also trying to work on my website, my blogs and podcast. I did do a few podcasts over the weekend. I was thinking to just record and publish willy nilly - about different subjects. But I can't figure out the buttons yet. I've recorded 5 and they all went on the same episode. But that's ok. I'm going to publish them. Have a listen. I'm trying new things - figuring out what works.
All right - so here are the podcasts.
I still have a couple more products to try from Botanic Organic. I'm still using the other ones that I mentioned before and I still love them! It's getting hard to decide which ones to buy. I really want to purchase all of them - but - well - we'll see. I still have more of the samples. Right now? My favorites are the cleansing oil, the cleansing spray, the nutrient mist and serum. Oh dangit. I love the daily moisturizer and the night cream too. Oh heck - I like them all. They make my face feel pampered and loved.
I haven't looked through any more of my clothes, or taken selfies. I've been in the garage for two days - with dusts and battling mosquitos - so I haven't been looking sparkly.
You know what, fuck it. Ooops, yeah, I cursed. Come on - if you haven't read Mental Girl - then I guess it's time for you to know - I curse - like a sailor at times. It feels good. It's a release. I've toned it down A LOT. I don't think I've cursed in most of my blogs. But it's been rising to the surface. I just need to release an f-bomb. I'm not mad at all. I'm actually feeling pretty good about myself. I'm getting a lot of work done - I'm facing my shit - I'm facing things I need to do - and guess what? I took a selfie. No makeup. No fussing. One shot. Okay, I took two pictures - but this was the first picture I took. I'm wearing one of my favorite fall colors - burnt orange. I love it. I took out a long sleeve shirt and went for my walk this morning. It's still not long sleeve shirt weather - it looks like it is. It was overcast this morning. But it's still warm. But I didn't care. I needed that fall feeling. So here I am!
I didn't even play with my app. It's funny, I can see a reflection of this picture in the glass behind me.
Okay - all systems go! I'm going to finish my coffee and get back out into that garage. Lots to do!
Thank you for your support. Thank you for reading my blogs. Stay true to you. Be good to you.
All right...so stay tuned....I'm trying to figure out what my next move is with my podcasts. And....I need to try another product from Botanic Organic.
However, it is Labor Day - and I'm celebrating by clearing and cleaning out my garage.
I'll be back!