It's the beginning of the week. It's Monday. I'm here. I'm popping in to say hello - do a little blog, give you a podcast and ashare short video I did.
I want you all to know I'm working on myself too. I'm not fully cooked. I do this stuff I speak about all the time. When I slip up and forget or fall into a funk - I reach out and say "I've slipped, I forgot to do my self care stuff and I fell into a funk!".
I love the quote that I put up at the bottom. It's great. Find your tribe. The ones you would be thrilled to have inside your blanket fort. Because sometimes we need to make a blanket fort to heal and take care of ourselves. Now that's not to say you can't do your self care work out and about too. That's not to say build the blanket fort and don't come out. I've been dosing up on my self care routine - because frankly spending all day in a blanket fort was sounding a little too good - but it was because I wanted to hide - not blissfully read, or curl up with some music or giggles. There is a difference.
I've been staying close to people who "get it". They get the healing process. They understand vulnerability and feelings. They understand how it all feels. And they also rejoice in the compassion, empathy and kindness it brings to our lives so we can help others.
All right...so here is my podcast:
And here is the self care video I posted on Instagram:
I bought this shirt recently and I feel proud to wear it. I'm a classy chick. But I'm also frizzy, silly, and I love roosters and chickens. Oh and the red shoes - well that's just hysterical.
Be you. Be proud of who you are. You have a place here. We all do.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for being here.
Sure, I'll say fuck it from time to time. But I don't do that loosey goosey anymore. It's when I've done some good self care work but the anxiety still seems to want to linger a bit. I feel that's it - I need to shake it off and move on. So, I'll say fuck it. It's said with a little more delight and self confidence these days.
Trust is important. It's really important to have trust with ourselves. I just discovered this gem. I usually trusted others to validate me, confirm my doubts, help me through my insecurities. Look, I still struggle with OCD stuff. So I'll go up to trusted friends and family (feeling a little fuck it attitude) and ask them to give me a self confidence push. I trust them. I just need to be reminded - it's OK.
It's just - it makes things so much more difficult on myself when the trust doesn't begin within. It makes more anxiety, anger, shame and....well....distrust. If you don't trust you - there is always lingering doubt floating around.
I did a podcast this morning. I've been managing to pull off a couple of podcasts and blogs during the week. It feels good. I want to connect with you all. Here's today's:
Trust is one of the bare necessities of life. Okay - speaking of the Bare Necessities. Do you know that song from The Jungle Book? A friend on Twitter made a post about it and I instantly smiled. I've always liked that song. It reminds me to really take a look at what those are for me. Self love, self care, inner trust, deep breaths, my relationships with family and friends - and of course water and food. Wait! And coffee. Those are my bare necessities. The other day after smiling because of this friend's post with the song - I decided to go ahead and sing it to our pets. I posted it on Instagram.
Ooooh, I have a good trust story. Yesterday the power went out. At first I was scared it was just our house. After I took a deep breath and told myself - it will be OK if it's just our house - I found out it was the city. I did feel a little relief we weren't alone in this inconvenience. Well, we settled in for what we were told was going to be a long haul. All day without electricity. Guess what? I trusted myself to get through it. We worked it out. I trusted in the DWP to figure it out. I had a friend and a family member who needed some food, and it all worked out. Had some great conversations with neighbors who were going through it too - and were saying - hey - it's OK. It's kind of nice to have some quiet. And it really was nice. I checked on a friend down the street. We made sure our neighbors were taken care of with candles. When it started to get close for us to be in the dark, we all gathered up the candles, flashlights and some battery operated string lights (which are really the best to have - pretty and functional for this kind of thing) - we were ready. And guess what? The lights came back on! The whole thing was about trust. We all found out we are looking out for each other and have each other's back. Beautiful.
Trust. It's a beautiful word. Yes, it has to be earned. Yes, it has to be practiced. Yes, it needs to be cultivated. But it's there. And it's delicious.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your support.
I appreciate you.
Hello Fellow Travelers!
I wrote that sentence with a confident attitude - all set to just write a ton of stuff. And then I just blanked. I thought...what now Rebecca? Seriously, I thought, what do I have to offer today? A little bit of a grump came into my mind. As I write that, I'm going to tell myself and you - well I have my experience, my thoughts, my feelings and my delightful sense of humor. I'm always hoping I'm a little funny too.
I got the best compliment this morning from a friend who read my book Mental Girl. She got it! She really got and understood the tone of my book. She wrote me such a rave review. Do you know how good that feels? Oh I hope so. It feels so delicious and wonderful. For someone to read my words, get it, and feel the truth I was trying to impart...well...hot diggity!
I've been riding some waves in the last couple weeks. I spoke about it in a podcast.
For those of you, like me, who are sensitive, over thinking feelers - riding waves can be challenging. I've been moving forward, healing, and growing - but I still ride these emotional waves? I still have to do all this work? I guess I thought...there would be longer stretches between the tinglies and the nervous nillies (not sure if I'm spelling that right). Here's a conversation in my head. "I'm feeling. What am I feeling? I feel a little nervous. Why? I've been feeling so good. Why do I have to feel nervous? Oh...okay...I see...it doesn't mean I've done anything wrong, missed something or going backwards in my healing...it just means....(I dig deep inside for my truth and my wisdom)…it means I'm human. Deep breath Repeat - I'm human, having a human experience and at this point - if I can't solve or figure something out RIGHT AWAY...I (dig deep inside for my truth and my wisdom)…I pull out more self care and more self love. And...(dig deep inside for my truth and my wisdom)…I use all my tools and keep doing the work. Ok. Got it.
Easy? Not at all. Requires a lot of deep breaths, patience, reaching out if I need it, and reaching in - because -it's there.
The other day, I went out for a walk. It was a great walk. I put headphones on and a song came on. I just got so excited and started to dance walk. Have you ever done that? You just walk and get into the song and you dance in the street. It was glorious. I didn't feel self conscious. Let me tell you - this was a big deal for me. I just did it. I even made a little video that I posted on Instagram.
It's there before the videos of me howling in front of our dog and the video of the windy day. Yes, I howled. There was a super wolf moon! I couldn't help it!
The picture above is me being silly during the super wolf moon. Here I am in my "all natural" just being me and goofy mood. And the picture down below is the super wolf moon - who I howled for.
After that dance walk I felt so good. I came home and I just felt sassy. But guess what? I had some anxiety. It just whooshed on me. I don't know where it came from because I was feeling so giddy. I could feel it. I got scared. I thought am I too happy? And the what ifs started to rattle. I got tingly. And then I thought growth! I had growth! I had fun. It's OK! Let the feelings rush.
I began to think about all of those thoughts in the last couple days. I've been waking up with some of them. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was waking up wanting to have another dance walk. But I thought...hmmmm….it's possible my anxiety part felt a little neglected and bored and just felt like stirring things up. It could be I'm sensing other people's anxiety. I do that. I hear it and I feel it. It's possible my body and mind just wanted to replay something. But....all right...I don't have to hang with the anxiety for too long. I can also check in with my other parts and pull out all my other stuff - my healing stuff. I don't want to be afraid of anxiety. I get it. Anxiety, I believe, feels it keeps me safe. It has a job. I can see it. It has an outfit. It's wearing of those glow in the dark, caution outfits. Like a crossing guard. But it's a nervous crossing guard. It wants love, attention and to be heard. Ok. However, shoulders down - I take a deep breath. I don't have to live in that anxious world.
I know working through anxiety, depression and sadness is not easy. I hope I never come across as someone who would make anyone feel - "just get over it." I think it's about baby steps. It's movement - any movement. It's - growth includes a lot of deep breaths. It's about acceptance. Growth and healing, in my opinion(and experience), requires a lot of love. I feel there should be a lot of self love and self care. I say, in my experience and my opinion, just start at the beginning. You are not alone.
Thank you so much for you support.
Thank you for being here.
I appreciate you dear mental health warriors.
The rain stopped for now. The sun was out this morning. I took off for a walk. I needed to shake off some old feelings, worries and what if's. I tried to do a podcast but the app wasn't working. I tried to do a video, but when I watched it, the audio was out of sync, and I couldn't get passed all the self judgement about how I looked. My eyes were darting around when I talked and that annoyed me. Deep breath. I need to watch the self criticism right now because I am feeling extra vulnerable.
The beginning of last year was a really rough one for me - all the way to about the end of March or early April. I went through horrible anxiety, physical and emotional pain. I was lucky, oh so lucky, to find help. It took a while and it wasn't easy. It was trial and error. I met a lot of people who I begged for help - but they were not the right fit for me. I was almost put on medication that would have been horrible for me. I did try one medication and it made the panic worse. I then went through anger and distrust with the medical field. But I managed to rise above, find the support and help that was the perfect fit for me - and the start to this year is very different.
Now - the weird thing is in the last week anxiety has stirred up. I have been revisiting what happened last year in my thoughts. At first, it all just scared me. I didn't want to go through it all again. I realized this anxiety was brewing, so I've been kicking up my self care routine. I realize it's OK to look back - but just for a peek - (just to see how far I've come) not to stay there and rehash and redo it. I don't have to redo it. I learned a lot. I learned tools. I learned to like, love and value myself. I can take those tools and use them whenever I need them- like right now. I haven't reached the point where I want to write about everything that happened in the last 30 years. I guess I still need a little time, more healing, and more practice in my self care. It is all personal and some of it still hurts.
I do want to help others. I do want to support and be there for others. I think I still can without picking apart and revealing my whole story. I know for some it helps to get proof that another survived a tough ordeal. There are times we want to hear that they too had it rough but got through it. I remember thinking if I heard someone relaxed and calm - I would think - they don't know what I'm going through - they haven't gone through this pain. But you know what? They may have not. What does it matter? It doesn't? I began to see my own journey. I began to see my own story unfold. I began to see my healing and growth taking place - tailored made for me. That's the goal. And I say again - it begins with self love. The steps you take to like and love yourself are so important - because that's when solutions and other people's advice or guidance will take root. You start to feel "I'm worth it. I have value. I'm here for a reason. I have a part here." You start to feeling stronger. The solutions come.
There was so much rain in the past few days and it was glorious. I think it was a great way to start the new year - with a cleansing. A good wash. I did manage a video that I posted on Instagram. I took some pictures. The one above was a sweet seashell in someone's yard filled with water.
I take a deep breath and keep moving. Because that's the thing - my healing, my growth, my journey of self discovery is still continuing.
Thank you for being here. I received a lot of support from family and friends. I also met many on Twitter who were so kind to me and we became friends. I thank you all.
Okay, so I'm in my element. It's raining. I love the sound of rain. I love the feel of rain, the look of rain and the smell of rain. All right, I don't like when I get wet, especially my feet. And I don't like how people ruin rain by driving aggressively in it or they complain about it or....one of my sour moods ruins it.
I do understand it's hard for some people who have to walk in it, wait for the bus in it, or have to drive far in a commute in it with other people around. I just wanted you to know I wasn't being all Pollyanna about the whole thing. I just really like the rain. But I get grumpy in it too.
I did this morning. It had nothing to do with the rain. It was me. I woke up - stretched - got ready - got my gear together and I argued with my fence. It blew shut on me. And that....for some reason - took me on a little grumpus bumpus ride. But I got thought it the minute I got out into that rain. I even got rained on and wet but by then I was in a better mood.
I did a podcast this morning:
Now while I was out getting my coffee, I felt good. I liked seeing the clean city. But I vacillated between moods. I was sad seeing homeless trying to take shelter under awnings. I got a little irritated (I think more hurt) at my coffee place because the barista wasn't as nice to me when I gave her a good tip. That's my money and I'm sharing it with her. The coffee isn't cheap.
I got back in the car, feeling all of my feelings and then reminded myself I needed to stay safe on the road. So I turned on some music and started to sing. That felt good.
I have thoughts and feelings all day long. I'm not proud of some of thoughts. I get mad. I get irritated. I got irritated while writing this because a family member keeps shuffling back and forth around me and it's bugging me. But I do appreciate and value, now, that I can look observe and noticed my moods, investigate, and sort through them. I try to figure what's up? Why the judgement? Why the criticism? Why the anger? Why the irritation? Why the blame? Either on myself or others. I try to take deep breaths. I try and watch my tongue. That's a big one. I try and remind myself not to shoot verbal daggers while in a funk.
I was really pleased when I saw so many plays on my podcasts this morning. That really felt good. I felt delighted actually. But also - I have that hope - they're helping. I know they help me. Speaking to you all reminds me of the constant work I'm doing on myself. It reminds I'm still healing. It reminds me to stay humble.
Thank you so much for the support out there. It's really nice to feel it.
Keep up with your self care work.
Keep up with your self love.
Keep up with your commitment to yourself.
It's worth it.
I love the rain. I think I've mentioned it before. It just feels so good. Oh sure, it's hard to get out in it first thing in the morning (who doesn't like to stay under the covers just a little longer)- it's challenging to drive in it (here in my city when so many people forget what rain looks like and that we still do get it) - but a good dose of it - a little walk in it - feels marvelous. (picture above: those are my feet next to a sweet little wet leaf and puddle. For some reason I smile when I see it.)
I slept in. I was really surprised I did that. I looked at the clock and I had slept an extra hour. I got up, did a quickie stretch and my daily morning self care routine - got dressed for the rain and went for a walk. I was all bundled up. I had an umbrella. I was all set. It was only sprinkling. But the rain was coming down at a slant and I came home wet. Not too thrilled about wet legs and feet. But oh rain - I'm not mad at you at all. You're glorious, much needed and appreciated. I went to run some errands and picked up some coffee - which is tasting soooooo good right now. I'm warming up.
So I'm thinking of all my next creative writing moods and projects. I figure I would do a blog on Mondays and Fridays for a little bit. I do enjoy my blogs. I just free flow and basically write like I talk. I enjoy it. I didn't do a podcast this morning. I might consider doing one a week and do it on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Haven't decided yet. But I'll keep you posted.
I do need to trim my nails. I let my nails grow and they looked so good so I I've been painting them and they look fabulous- but having long nails makes it challenging to get a good rhythm going on the keyboard and I make a lot of mistakes. I have to back pedal and fix them. Don't know why I shared that with you. Screw it - it stays in.
I'm realizing, lately, I need to edit more when I talk. I give way too many details. I mean - sometimes the story which is being told needs a lot of detail. It's part of the entertainment. But I'm talking about - well I over tell details - and I can feel it - I'm looking for approval or validation. And most of the time. Guess what? I don't get that. What I do get is the person I'm talking to hears one detail that sparks something in their mind and they go on a monologue or lecture about that one detail. I don't get to finish my story. And that detail really isn't the plot of the story! So I'm going to work on editing when I speak. But with my writing - since you can't interrupt me - I will spread myself out and lay my details here.
Hey, thanks for holding the space. You really do. I do feel validation and appreciation from my readers. You read my blogs. You take the time to attempt to "get me". It feels good. When I hear that one of my blogs made someone feel good...oh wow! I'm over the moon. I like that expression. Because I love the moon too! In case you didn't know that already.
I have been blogging every day for a while now. I just chat a little bit and put up some pictures in Clickity Clak - but it all still takes time. I've realized I'm not making time to write stories and finish all these book ideas I have - so....I think I'm going to take a little break on the blogging. I will try to post a weekly blog inside of a daily blog. I'll still post pictures in Clickity Clak - but again - just not daily. I need to use my morning time - the quiet time in the house - before the family gets up and they need my attention - to get creative.
I'm excited about it. All of my walks, talks, podcasts, blogs - all of that - has really been great. I've really appreciated the support and the kind words. I'm glad that I did it - I stayed with it. It shows I can make a commitment. I'm proud of myself for doing that. But now - I just really want to get some writing done. I've got some ideas which are percolating. I've got some books which are finished - and waiting patiently - and they just need me to start giving them energy and time and putting them out there.
When I went for my walk this morning - I didn't podcast - I didn't grab my phone to take pictures - I was super bundled up and I just - walked and looked and felt and let my mind wander. It was nice. Well until this guy in a fancy car made a weird move that freaked me out because I was walking! Vulnerable dude! Oh I got mad. I watched him spin around and park. He got out and went over to one of the construction sites - where they're building a mcmansion. Oh I got really steamed up. I thought - I want to write him a letter! And leave it on his car. I didn't. I didn't have any paper. But I want to get out - so here it is...my "note" to this annoying bloke.
Excuse me sir. But that car you drive and all the money you appear to have does NOT impress me one bit. What would impress me would be if you would drive with kindness, awareness and respect for people out there. You think having money excludes you from behaving well in society.?It does not!
I don't know - that's actually the nicer version. I actually also wanted to write:
Hey - you selfish prick! Learn how to fucking drive decently in the neighborhood!
Of course I didn't. Ooooh - that felt good getting it out and letting it go.
I was coming up with so many letters (in my head) on my walk. I realized - ooosh - I have some old residual anger in me about some things. Then I heard the voice - my inner voice - write! Write! Write! So I'm going to. I need to get that shit out. I told you I was human.
See the picture up there? I love that picture. My son drew that picture for me. It captured Mental Girl. I just want to speak out - get my voice out there - help if I could. I feel I still can and will.
All right - so onward being ME. Onward being YOU. Let's rock this 2019!
Hey there. So even though I'm really feel so much better about who I am - I'm liking myself so much more - in fact I love myself - and I can feel some "real" soul healing taking place- I'm still human and I find myself filling up with feelings and thoughts - and all of them aren't pleasant.
All of those intense feelings - well they used to throw me. I would feel the anger, frustration, sadness - you know - not the cheerful - life is great - stuff. But the WTF?! WTF is happening right now! It felt like mutiny in my mind. I would just have a fuck it - that's it - of course this is happening - fuck everything!
Okay - just to let you how human I am - I still have those moments. The good news? Oh thank goodness there is good news now. I don't stay spiraling down for long. I'll drop down a little - but there is a voice - a courageous - calm - and very loving voice (the real me) who has the attitude of "man the ships! There is a storm! I repeat there is a storm! We can get through this!" I'll take a deep breath and begin my self care process. Something like this:
"Okay Rebecca - what's up? Wow - you're really mad. Now we don't need this to get too physical. You felt that anger in your back just now (or it might be my stomach, jaw, chest or back of my neck) - let's relax. I know. But we can find a solution. I'm sorry you're going through this. But let's take a look. Okay? We can sort through this - just don't make any sudden moves. I love you."
I know! Sure - at first - the other voices would scream too. "Oh fuck you! This is serious. Stop with your mindful - life is good crap. I'm fucking pissed and I want to fucking vent!
But now - if I hear even a whiff of that - I know I have to pile it on the self care. Something like this:
"Okay. Wow! Well we aren't talking "woo woo" all life is good here. This situation or person or thing isn't making you happy. I feel your rage, sadness and anxiety. But I would like to make this better. You know the tools. You've done the work. Come on. Oh sure - feel your feelings. You're pissed. But let's not take a dive in the lava pit. Let's take a leap into our Mental Girl self care tool box and come back with solutions."
Again - I know! And guess what? It works. Sometimes it takes a little longer. But if I stay on course - it works.
I did a podcast this morning:
Now as I say in my podcast - I'm thinking of heading in a different direction with a new podcast. Just to change things up. Stay tuned. I think I'll take a little break and then come back. So stay tuned. I'll announce it here and on Twitter.
Again, I appreciate you being here.
I appreciate your support.
I hope I'm helpful in some way.
A toast - to being authentic. To being imperfectly you.
Oh - there's me at the beach. It was cold and I was working through some thoughts and feelings. But I heard my "real" self say - enjoy that beach with your family! Look out there! And I did! I saw sandpipers, seagulls, a Heron and Dolphins!
So the new year has started. I haven't had to write any checks yet. So I haven't written 2019. I wonder if I'll have to scratch out that 8. Well, we'll see if I'm on the ball. I have fully accepted and embraced the new year. Hello 2019! But guess what? I have been working on fully accepting and embracing myself this past year - so I'm just rolling over into the new year with the same attitude - the same goal.
Ooooh it's been cold out there. It got down to 39 yesterday. Today was 41. That's cold for here. It's hard to get and stay warm. Right now I've got my new slippers on that my husband bought me for Christmas and they so warm me up! Oh yeah. You plug them in and within minutes - warm tootsies. Let me tell you that feels so good right now.
I went for a walk - all bundled up. I had all my layers on. I moved my arms and walked briskly and I just couldn't warm up. So this warm feeling on my feet right now just feels fantastic.
I did a podcast this morning:
I also did a silly video and posted it on Instagram:
I'm a big goofball. I enjoy being a silly goofball. It gives me pleasure. It makes me feel giddy about life. I share it with you so you can see a part of who I am. Now remember I'm human, so I have my moments. All of my parts aren't attractive. But why should I show you those? I mean, I can tell you about it. Sure when I get back from my walk and I'm trying to take off the layers of clothes I have on - and do it quickly - because the heat is on inside the house and I'm starting to feel like screaming GET OFF ME! GET OFF! I feel like my clothes are testing my patience. I'm known to holler out "Oh come on!" Now I know the clothes aren't doing anything. I try to take a deep breath and remind myself the agitation is coming from a lack of mindfulness, patience and taking my time. I can do this with ease.
Any time I start to get agitated, I'm rushing, or I'm angry - I feel as if I'm being tested - but really - I'm testing myself. What's going on Rebecca? If you take some deep breaths and come from a calm and relaxed space - you will be able to spot a solution.
It's OK to be a work in progress. It's OK to keep trying and trying and doing and doing and then trying again - because - that's growth.
Oh that's me up there in the picture - on one of my walks - all bundled up. I spotted a mirrored window. My face is so pensive. I knew I was taking a picture with my reflection - but I didn't think my face would come out so clearly. Well - that is a part of me. I'm a thinker.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your support.
To us. To healing. To growing. To accepting and loving ourselves, others and the world around us.