I have been taking a few more steps forward. Oh boy, anxiety is stomping and yelling. I did tell it to fuck off yesterday, so I'm guessing it didn't like that much. But right after I said fuck off, before it could rattle and storm, I took off running. I ran four blocks. I huffed and I puffed. I'm not a seasoned runner. But it felt good. I took a little more steps walking back and forth with the anxiety. It was a rush.
Is that anxiety cured? Am I all done? Is running the cure? Is telling the anxiety fuck off the cure? No.
But it is a step. It is a step in retraining my brain, and reminding my brain that the real me is in there somewhere. Oh yeah, if you haven't read Mental Girl, than you may not know the real me can curse like a sailor.
I've been going up and down in my moods about how to do all this. I keep wanting it solved. I want to feel better. I want to change.
This morning after meditating (with a guided meditation) three times - yep sometimes one just doesn't cut it. I've got a lot of dark thoughts that just haven't let go yet. But after the third time I was up. I was ready to try something. I took my medicine. I stretched and did light yoga (trying lots of new things), had some breakfast and then before I knew it I was putting on my clothes and sneakers. Okay, I said, "I'm going out. Anxiety I know you are coming with me, but you need to know something. You can keep me safe if a saber tooth tiger comes out and jumps me, but that's it!"
I took the dog for her walk. I get a little nervous because she stops, starts, stops, sniffs and looks at everything. I get it. She's a dog. She wants her walk to be meaning. She wants to write cool stuff in her dog journal. I just get scared in those pauses the anxiety will pounce on me. See the anxiety is like a saber tooth tiger. But I remembered something my warm hearted kind therapist said which was take the time to look around and notice things. Let it be about Ruby (that's the dog's name) walk. Anxiety is selfish. It wants everything to be about it. So I began the process of allowing the sniffs, starts and stops. I wasn't perfect. But it was better.
I dropped Ruby back off at home and took off again. This time - yep - if you haven't guessed - I wanted to do that run again. So I set up, and took off for the four blocks of a run. This time there was some rattling in my head. I think anxiety might have been rolling around in there saying, "what the hell, I can't think, I can't talk. She's running!"
I'm careful. I'm not an experienced runner, but I figure some natural exercise heart pounding would be good for me. Anxiety makes my heart pound, but I don't get the rush like I do with the run. I did the four blocks and then slowed down with another short walk back home. I talk to anxiety as needed. I talk to myself. Most of the time I hold my phone up to my ear, so if any neighbors or people walking by just think I'm some kind of a stock broker making deals. I've usually got a serious look on my face when I'm speaking with anxiety. But there are times my phone is in my pocket and I'm just talking to myself. But it's ok. I look around, and most of the time, no one is paying attention to me.
Oh, am I cured? Is anxiety all gone? No.
But that's another goal. It's not about ridding oneself of all anxiety - being cured in an instance (although - I still hope that could it happen - I mean it could right?) - but until it does, I'm trying to just get out. Talk back to anxiety. Talk kindly to myself. Try to do all the steps suggested by the people who are trying to help me and be supportive. I'm trying to be patient with myself. Listen to myself.
The real me is in there somewhere. I can feel her. She gets up me. She listens to Mental Girl. Wow, she is fierce. She took me on a run!