Okay, I'm going to write, right now.
If I don't get some of this shit out of my head...it will just rattle up in my noggin, making more stomping noise.
I'm fucking trying! I really am! I am in therapy and doing spiritual work. I'm doing acupuncture. I'm trying new things. I'm taking baby steps.
Ok...so I'm fucking bummed. The medication didn't work for me. I mean I'm really fucking bummed. Also, I haven't heard back from the doc yet about another solution, another try. So I sit with myself and of course...think! Think! Think! Think!
I went out for some walks today and had some rip roaring, waves crashing, bumpy fucking ride panic attacks. One that actually made me dizzy. I thought I was going to bolt and run home screaming like a madwoman. I didn't. I kept talking to myself. Yep. I talked to myself. I've been doing a lot of that while out for my walks. I take my cell phone with me, stick it up to my ear and talk. No one who sees me knows I'm just talking to myself. But it comforts me. I tell myself I'm real. I tell myself I'm here. I tell myself good job.
Today I told myself I'm human. I told myself it's ok that I'm scared. I told myself it's ok that I feel pain. I talked back to the mean voices in my head. I spoke with the nice voices in my head that said, come on. You are not a failure. They said, you are working through this; it will take time; we have patience with you, join us.
So do I have depression, panic disorder, OCD, ADD, or all of the above? Should I label myself? I mean, I didn't give myself the labels, these are diagnoses that I'm given. Should I just say I'm trying to heal the pain in my mind? I'm trying to heal. I'm trying to heal!
For those of you waiting patiently, searching for the clues to help with her struggles, Mental Girl says keep searching for the loving voices. Join me, we need the loving voices in our heads more than ever as we wait patiently to figure out the right mix of food, help, medications, herbs, whatever it is that will heal us. We need to be compassionate to ourselves while we ride the rocky waves.
I send to you brave warriors out there....huge hugs for your struggle, your bravery and your endurance. Keep talking. Keep walking.