I haven't written a blog entry in a while on my own simple page, in my one words. I've been focused more on my healing with Ursula. That has become a huge part of my healing right now. But I forgot. There's me! There's Mental Girl! I don't want to forget all that work. Guess what? I did. I forgot about Mental Girl. I forgot about her strength, her reminders to care for myself, her reminders to like myself...and then...guess what? I fell. Hard. If you have been reading the work with Ursula, then you are aware I am in crisis. Oh dear.
Okay, I don't say that "Oh dear" with lightness. I'm using a little lightness to curb the terrifying, debilitating, overwhelming I'm scared as fuck feelings that have been rising to the surface.
I just ran to get my tea ready, and the little saying attached, said "Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self - respect". Well that's a moment to say - okay - who's listening? Mental Girl, did you do that? Universe. I wanted coffee this morning. I miss my coffee. Every once in a while, I do have a cup. But because I've been panicking so much and feeling so out of sorts - I've been limiting it. I almost made a cup this morning, and I decided my stress tea with lavender might be the better choice.
I've been struggling eating. I've been struggling with nerves so tangled and strong, there are times the only thing I can comfortably get down in my stomach are smoothies, yogurt - stuff I don't have to chew.
I've got all my shit laid out in front of me. My childhood fears. Shit from my past. Fucking terror feelings about the future if I don't get a handle on this.
The minute I relax - a new one crops up. How about - "What you think, you attract". Do you know what that does to a panic disorder/agorgaphobic sufferer. It's as if you are telling them - hey - you know all those thoughts you fear - they are coming because you think them. What!!! What!!!! But I'm sitting and praying and hoping that I'll get through this and learn none of these fears are true. I'm sitting and praying and hoping that I'll relearn how to live a happy life and have the OCD fears, the what if fears, and all the other horror movie thoughts that plague me right now - go away!!!!! Universe I hope you hear that! I'm trying to align with who I really am! Please - don't believe the dark, scary, afraid thoughts.
I had a new thought. Maybe those dark, scary, afraid thoughts want to feel loved. I'm always yelling and cringing from them - maybe they just want to feel loved.
I don't know.
I just know this. This is scary. I need tenderness. I don't know how to "just stop". I realize it will take hard work, practice - a lot of rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat: I am worthy. I am safe. I am allowed to be happy. I am allowed to figure out how to get through this. I am allowed to ask for help.
I have my Lavender Stress tea sitting beside me. I started a journal. If you read my book, you may remember - I'm not a big "journal" writer. But it's been recommending. So okay, I'll give it a whirl.
I'm going to try not to be a perfectionist - but I will hone my skills to try and try and try and try.
For those out there in pain, let's all hold hands. Well I know we aren't sitting next to each other. But let's try to visualize all of us together smiling at each other saying, "We'll figure it out. We'll keep trying until something fits."
Many good thoughts, blessings, and hugs to you all who are getting up each day to try and be better people - try to connect and make sense of this world - and find our place in it!
To Mental Warriors!