First day on the new medication. I actually just took my first pill. I woke up this morning early. I have so many vitamins, potions and now new meds to take...that I realized I need to get up earlier if I'm to get through it all and start the day before my brain begins to convince me staying under the covers in bed is the better idea.
I've never been a morning person. The morning is very difficult for me. I begin to panic early and then my mind races with anxiety.
I'm trying to just be a person. I may not be a morning person but I can be a person who gets up in the morning to get things done. These are important things that will benefit my family.
I started the day with meditation. My mind really was racing. I didn't focus as well this morning but I did hear some of the words. Remember, you learned to walk. You didn't know how to walk when you were a baby, but you learned. I heard kind words in my ear wishing me a good day. There are lots of guided mediation recordings on youtube. Find one that works for you. Find a voice that resonates with you. I have saved some for morning and evening and sometimes during the day.
After my meditation it was time for my feet to hit the floor and for me to stand up. I did.
Oh I really wanted to go back to bed. The covers were so warm. The thoughts were under the covers keeping me awake. I didn't sleep well, waking almost on the hour, with nerves or to go to the bathroom. It was not a restful sleep. But I had the thought, well you can stay under the covers and nothing will get better; or you can stand up, try to move around, and let's see if some of these new changes will make things better.
It felt worth a try and I got up.
The animals were all looking at me. We have two cats and a dog. It looked like they were thinking, wow she's up a little earlier.
I fed the animals.
Cleaned the cat box.
Washed my hands. Yeah, I have to say that. Washing my hands is a huge part of my rituals.
Then began the vitamin ritual. Lots of deep breathing as the OCD thoughts were making their rounds.
It was then time to make some breakfast. Normally, I would skip breakfast if I felt like it. The new meds call for something on my stomach. Also, I've become quite thin from the worry, stress and nerves - and eating has become added to my to do list. Oh I long to enjoy food again, not just something I need to do to keep myself healthy.
I made my breakfast of oatmeal, blueberries, added some butter for fat, and a splash of milk. Oh and some cinnamon. I sat down and looked on Twitter. I have a lot of friends on Twitter who also suffer with mental illness. They are supportive, kind and inspiring.
After eating, it was time to take that first pill. I got so nervous. I started to have those nagging thoughts. I'm on pills now. Is this good? So many people say to do it "naturally". Don't take pills.
I've tried the natural route.
I've tried to do this without anything.
I needed to try something else.
I spoke with a lot of doctors, healers, and those who understand mental illness. So many said it was time to get rid of the shame about taking western drugs. There are many medicines that help and heal people. There are people that need it. I shouldn't feel bad.
I stood up and got a glass of water and went into the bathroom. I held my new medicine container in my hand. Wow, this all was feeling like such a big deal. Why do I make everything such a big deal? It's a pill. Just take it! Take it! Stop being so dramatic.
I have a mental illness. Everything about me is dramatic. It's okay to feel these feelings, I told myself. It's okay. Deep breathing.
I took the pill.
There is no poof! I'm not cured. Actually I'm sitting here, as I write this, and thinking...okay. I'm here. I took a step. I'm trying something new. And yes, I'm still me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. I really want to be okay with being me. That is the goal.
I hope this helps. I'll let you know.
Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. I tell myself over and over. I also say to you. Keep trying.
Take those deep breaths.
I'll say to all of us.
Talk to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
I'm here. You're here. We are working through all of this, the best we can.