I wake up and I'll do one or even three guided meditations to get me up and out of bed. I've never been a morning person per say. I think it is an acquired taste. When I was young, it was hard for me to get out of bed. It's still takes a little effort and work to get out of bed. The morning just seems to come so quickly. I've just got the bed warm and snuggly, and pop! It's morning. I can hear that rooster crowing. (Nope, not a real rooster). Oh wow, I wonder what life is like when you have a true morning being cacadoodling at the first peek of the sun.
When I do get up early, I actually get a lot done and feel good.
But each morning, I have to remind myself - get up Rebecca - get the grease moving in those joints, - start your day - because slowly I will remember - it's good to get up.
If it were up to me, I'd just keep sleeping. Wait, it is up to me. And I've been getting up!
I get up and feed the pets, stretch, meditate a little more, get dressed and get out for a walk. Then a drive. Sometimes I get a chore in. Sometimes I take our sweet dog with me. If my son is up early too, he'll come with me. Sometimes I go alone. Wow, even as I write this - I need to take a moment. I go alone.
It's surprisingly hard to write this but I'm going to do it. I deserve to feel proud of myself. Anxiety, panic disorder and bouts of agoraphobia ruled the roost around here for over 30 years. My true self said enough! Now, I'm walking and driving a little more and more each day. I should be proud.
But I feel a little scared that anxiety is listening and will scare me again. It tries a lot. I'm learning (with the help of Ursula and my wonderful therapist Richard) the more you talk back to anxiety and prove it wrong, it gets a little testy. "Hey, she is not listening. We need to kick up our game."
And yes, they sure do try almost every morning.
But I talk back now. I talk back with love, kindness, compassion and a lot of courage.
Yep, that's part of my routine.
I use to think everything felt like a test. A test that I couldn't pass. But now, I realize, all of this, it's Life. It's my Life. You have a Life too. It's your Life. I wrote Life with a capital L, because...well I wanted too. Each of us have been given a Life, to learn from, to grow with, to build on and yes, there may be bumps, bruises, ups and downs, sideways and crooked moments to deal with - but I'm starting to believe it isn't that we are being tested...it just simply is Life.
I don't know if that makes sense. I might have to reread this blog in a few days and see if there is more I can write about on this subject. I guess calling everything a test, makes it sound like a punishment or something thrown at us. Well, some tests you take in life we may be excited about because when we pass them we get a reward. So maybe that isn't an awful word.
In any event, (taking a deep breath here), even when the anxiety comes knocking or trying to push me, I can choose to believe it isn't a test. Oooh, maybe if it is some kind of test I put upon myself, it is my True Self saying, that's okay, it just gives us more practice. Yeah. Practice to remind anxiety - nope - you aren't in charge. I am.
I say gently to you dear anxiety, you can come with me, you can even talk to me - I'm not trying to get rid of you. You are a part of me. You are great for reminding me to take an extra jacket, look out for cars, put down my phone while driving, keep an eye an ear out right now - fantastic. But you can't run the show. I'm running the show.
All right...so that's my blog for now.
A toast - to our lives. They mean something. We mean a lot. Hug yourself and be proud of your Life. Hey, if certain experiences are tests - how about this one. Hug yourself. Yeah, it feels weird at first. Then once you do it several times, it feels good. Hug yourself tight.