I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. You might be saying to yourself, wait...don't you always think? Yes. Yes, you're correct. But this kind of thinking is different. This kind of thinking has solutions, new ideas, and paths feel like they are opening up. Am I cured of all my problems? No.
As I've explained in my book, Mental Girl, I don't believe there is a cure to healing mental...wait...I don't want to call it having mental problems anymore. Let's see. Challenges? I don't like that either. Okay, I'm going to work on some new words for this year...but until then, I'm going to refer to "it" as my wonkies. My wonkies are the times I let my fears, phobias, and insecurities get the better of me. I freeze up and clunk down. It happens. It will happen again. I'm a sensitive person. I feel more than the average bear. I'm like Yogi Bear but instead of going nuts about food, I go nuts about thoughts.
So lately, my wonkies have been showing up. I get scared I'm not doing enough or that dastardly word pops up into my mental vortex...that I'm not NORMAL. Ugh. That word. Normal. Fuck normal. Fuck anyone who tries to tell anyone what normal is...and that's that!
Do you realize most of the amazing inventions that have come to being were created by people who weren't considered "normal". Look around you. Who is normal? Okay, that guy with the confidence...you think he is normal? Follow him around for a few days. Follow him around and watch his "every" move, especially the moves and decisions he makes when no one is watching him. Then get back to me and let me know if you think he is more "normal" than you are.
So my newest thing...I believe thanks to Mental Girl, has been opening the pathways to my brain to see and try to understand ME from a different perspective.
I believe it's not enough to just say "I'm going to be positive today. I won't have a negative thought. At all!" If you can do it, bravo. But there are too many assholes running amok and it's not possible for me to be all joyful and understanding about them.
Also, if you have an overthinking mind you may find what some would call a "negative" thought pops into your head at inopportune moments. Now if you struggle with this, (whisper: I do) this may upset you. You start the judging routine - you want to hide in shame...and eventually you will really kick yourself by saying "Why can't I be normal?"
Okay...so again, say it with me - fuck normal! Most of us struggling with anxiety are not violent people. In fact, most of us are so docile and nervous, we don't even want to kill a bug. Stepping on a bug can send us into a spiral of thoughts (shit - did I just fuck up my Karma? Oh dear - I'm so sorry bug! I didn't mean to!)
Excuse me - got off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, FUCK NORMAL! Caps were necessary. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of trying to figure out how to be or act normal. What if my anxiety and thoughts are completely normal? What if it isn't the thoughts I'm having which are the problem but the problem is that I viciously beat myself up for having them?
Repeat after me: I am worthy. (I - meaning YOU. Well, when I say I...I mean ME.) Dammit! I'm over talking. Return to focus Rebecca. Did you say it reader? Great. Okay, I'm making a list. Try saying some of these daily - or make up your own. Either way - it's time for us to be nice to ourselves. Either use this one - or create your own "being nice to you" list.
I am safe to be me.
I am safe to feel my feelings.
I am safe to think my thoughts.
I have a place here in this world.
How did that feel? Now when I first started this I felt kind of weird. I got a little edgy and had thoughts like - "Fuck, positive thinking. This doesn't get me anywhere." But wait! Then I thought (thanks Mental Girl) "Don't abandon yourself. Give it a whirl." After saying some of these kind and caring statements to myself I started to include some new thoughts to my repertoire. (Oh, don't think your negative thoughts will just run out the door.) They lurk. But that's ok. Because, you get to say these statements anytime - especially after a scary dark thought.
Think about this: What if it's ok that you have dark and scary thoughts? What if it's ok that you get scared? What if it's ok that you aren't...oh fuck (we aren't going to be worried about this word anymore) normal? Why? Because fuck normal! You are YOU!
I've recently been having new thoughts. (again - don't worry if your negative thoughts still hang around) Somehow I scooched some stuff around in my head and now I'm thinking - I accept, approve and acknowledge all parts of myself. All of it. Yeah, come over - you dark, sinister, grouchy cross patch who is gruff - and hangs out waiting to pounce on me. Hug the shit out of her. Oh, she'll get embarrassed. But guess what? She loves the hug. She really does. She has been waiting for someone to say it's okay to be her. No one is looking. Because it's just you and...YOU.
The New Year is approaching. It really just means you change the numbers on your checks and now you have to clean out your old tax files. Life is continuing to roll along on despite what you want to call the days or years.
So you go ahead and roll along with yourself, bumps, bruises, scars and all. You're doing ok, kid.
Mental Girl is here and she says...get wonky! In my book Mental Girl - I talk about being a member of the Inside Out Club. Here's another club (you can officially tell people you have joined social clubs). This one is called The Wonky Club. It's cool to be wonky!
Happy New Wonky!
p.s. For the next 24 hours you can get Mental Girl on Amazon for free! So go get your free copy now!