I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. You might be saying to yourself, wait...don't you always think? Yes. Yes, you're correct. But this kind of thinking is different. This kind of thinking has solutions, new ideas, and paths feel like they are opening up. Am I cured of all my problems? No.
As I've explained in my book, Mental Girl, I don't believe there is a cure to healing mental...wait...I don't want to call it having mental problems anymore. Let's see. Challenges? I don't like that either. Okay, I'm going to work on some new words for this year...but until then, I'm going to refer to "it" as my wonkies. My wonkies are the times I let my fears, phobias, and insecurities get the better of me. I freeze up and clunk down. It happens. It will happen again. I'm a sensitive person. I feel more than the average bear. I'm like Yogi Bear but instead of going nuts about food, I go nuts about thoughts.
So lately, my wonkies have been showing up. I get scared I'm not doing enough or that dastardly word pops up into my mental vortex...that I'm not NORMAL. Ugh. That word. Normal. Fuck normal. Fuck anyone who tries to tell anyone what normal is...and that's that!
Do you realize most of the amazing inventions that have come to being were created by people who weren't considered "normal". Look around you. Who is normal? Okay, that guy with the confidence...you think he is normal? Follow him around for a few days. Follow him around and watch his "every" move, especially the moves and decisions he makes when no one is watching him. Then get back to me and let me know if you think he is more "normal" than you are.
So my newest thing...I believe thanks to Mental Girl, has been opening the pathways to my brain to see and try to understand ME from a different perspective.
I believe it's not enough to just say "I'm going to be positive today. I won't have a negative thought. At all!" If you can do it, bravo. But there are too many assholes running amok and it's not possible for me to be all joyful and understanding about them.
Also, if you have an overthinking mind you may find what some would call a "negative" thought pops into your head at inopportune moments. Now if you struggle with this, (whisper: I do) this may upset you. You start the judging routine - you want to hide in shame...and eventually you will really kick yourself by saying "Why can't I be normal?"
Okay...so again, say it with me - fuck normal! Most of us struggling with anxiety are not violent people. In fact, most of us are so docile and nervous, we don't even want to kill a bug. Stepping on a bug can send us into a spiral of thoughts (shit - did I just fuck up my Karma? Oh dear - I'm so sorry bug! I didn't mean to!)
Excuse me - got off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, FUCK NORMAL! Caps were necessary. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of trying to figure out how to be or act normal. What if my anxiety and thoughts are completely normal? What if it isn't the thoughts I'm having which are the problem but the problem is that I viciously beat myself up for having them?
Repeat after me: I am worthy. (I - meaning YOU. Well, when I say I...I mean ME.) Dammit! I'm over talking. Return to focus Rebecca. Did you say it reader? Great. Okay, I'm making a list. Try saying some of these daily - or make up your own. Either way - it's time for us to be nice to ourselves. Either use this one - or create your own "being nice to you" list.
I am safe to be me.
I am safe to feel my feelings.
I am safe to think my thoughts.
I have a place here in this world.
How did that feel? Now when I first started this I felt kind of weird. I got a little edgy and had thoughts like - "Fuck, positive thinking. This doesn't get me anywhere." But wait! Then I thought (thanks Mental Girl) "Don't abandon yourself. Give it a whirl." After saying some of these kind and caring statements to myself I started to include some new thoughts to my repertoire. (Oh, don't think your negative thoughts will just run out the door.) They lurk. But that's ok. Because, you get to say these statements anytime - especially after a scary dark thought.
Think about this: What if it's ok that you have dark and scary thoughts? What if it's ok that you get scared? What if it's ok that you aren't...oh fuck (we aren't going to be worried about this word anymore) normal? Why? Because fuck normal! You are YOU!
I've recently been having new thoughts. (again - don't worry if your negative thoughts still hang around) Somehow I scooched some stuff around in my head and now I'm thinking - I accept, approve and acknowledge all parts of myself. All of it. Yeah, come over - you dark, sinister, grouchy cross patch who is gruff - and hangs out waiting to pounce on me. Hug the shit out of her. Oh, she'll get embarrassed. But guess what? She loves the hug. She really does. She has been waiting for someone to say it's okay to be her. No one is looking. Because it's just you and...YOU.
The New Year is approaching. It really just means you change the numbers on your checks and now you have to clean out your old tax files. Life is continuing to roll along on despite what you want to call the days or years.
So you go ahead and roll along with yourself, bumps, bruises, scars and all. You're doing ok, kid.
Mental Girl is here and she says...get wonky! In my book Mental Girl - I talk about being a member of the Inside Out Club. Here's another club (you can officially tell people you have joined social clubs). This one is called The Wonky Club. It's cool to be wonky!
Happy New Wonky!
p.s. For the next 24 hours you can get Mental Girl on Amazon for free! So go get your free copy now!
Wait, are you telling me Christmas is over and now 2017 is on its way out? I haven't finished my coffee yet. Dammit! You know what, I know what happened. I was busy thinking, and then I was thinking, and then...yes, there was more thinking....so I think....okay so you are telling me just to move forward? Move forward. It does sound lovely. How does one really do that?
Okay, my mind is swirling. On the way hand, it says, "you just put a fucking foot forward, you moron." Um....not nice mind. I really don't appreciate your rudeness.
My heart says, "it's okay. Remember we're going to work with mind more. Mind is a goofy, serious, overthinking, non stop action rascal. Remember, it doesn't like to be pushed or shoved. It prefers to do the pushing and shoving."
Heart continues...and says..."look...we've been trying different things for years. The one thing we haven't really REALLY done is accept." Never. It's always well, I'll eat this muffin even though it doesn't taste so good. I won't waste. But next time it better be good. Because now I'm sad. I remember the times it was good and now I'm spiraling down to worrying it might never be good again!
Mind is now activated and yells, "It won't be good ever again! Don't you know that." Mind has some conspiracy theories. Corporations! They're fucking with all the muffins! No! It's those clowns. I'll bet the clowns are on the loose again running amok through the city. They go to all the local bakeries and scare the shit out of the chef....he jumps and forgets to put in an ingredient. Hence....the shitty tasty muffin.
Heart says, "okay mind. Now listen. I don't know about conspiracies. I'm really not into that. But I do know this...we need to work on your attitude. We need to cultivate this sass and frass attitude you have and make it work - so the quality of our lives gets better. Because guess what? We're in this together. Yes. We can't do this on our own. We need each other."
Mind and heart snuggle up together. Okay....so let's see what kind of amazing new opportunities and adventures await....starting right now! I mean, right this very second. Look around. Hey, I'm typing. I'm feeling good about what I'm typing. I'm sharing. I'm reaching out. I want to connect, relate and help others. See? A little different, right?
Heart reminds mind..."don't look for the BIG stuff. Look for the in-betweens, the teeny tiny tickles of truth that lie in doing the most simple tasks." Deep breathe. Oh that feels good when we take that deep breath together.
Happy New Year to you all!
I would like to wish all of you a safe, happy, joyous, loving, funny, comforting ( I could go on and on but I hope you get the picture) Happy Holidays. Whether you celebrate one or all the holidays....may you find happiness in many moments of your life. Tis the season for feelings. I sure feel a lot of them. Some are happy and some can be a bit melancholy or dark. I attempt to feel them all....embrace them as a human being. It is not easy. But know this...you aren't alone. Look around you. So many of us may feel awkward in our skins. Reach out when you can, but also reach in and protect your heart.
Protect the ones you love, which means, YOURSELF included.
- Mental Girl
I enjoy quotes. Here are a couple I found that make me laugh and feel good. If you have any you like feel free to email them to me. Have I mentioned I enjoy getting emails from my readers? I sure do.
I ended up having a meditation video fall into my lap today. It came on my Twitter feed from a site that always has beautiful quotes and messages. I decided to try it. It was worth it. It's lovely. I wanted to share it with you. Give it a try. Let me know what you think. It's good to take time for ourselves. I know it's hard. I don't meditate every day. I would like to add that to my repertoire. Ooooh, I almost said the "should" thing that I don't like. No shoulds. No have tos. No shoooovies! (pronounced shove + eeeees)
In my book, in my opinion, in my line of work (work being a human being on this spinning ball), I have found suggestions, hand me downs, lovely things passed into my lap or mind for me to test out - that's what I'm going for now.
So here it is....enjoy....I sure did.
I've got a weird mood on and I'm not sure what to do about it. I woke up early. I don’t like early. Wait. I mean I don't like waking up TOO early. Sure, that early morning - sun isn't up yet - house is quiet sure has a cool vibe. Nobody's up. I'll think to myself I could get up - I could do things. But then I think - yeah but I can also go back to bed - under the warm covers - do the cricket with my feet and snuggle. Which one won you may wonder?
Bob our cat woke me up at 3:30am Grrrr. Then again at 5:30am...grrrrr and then again at 6:30am WTF! But dammit - I wanted to get my zzzz’s in - I need those zzzzz's - I was determined to get my well deserved sleep..
I know I’m not lazy. I don’t even take naps during the day much anymore. Oh I used to love naps. If I take one now it’s a 20 minute rest. But getting up early? When I don't "have" to - I just can’t get myself to get up super early. If I see the clock and it’s still frickin’ early - or it's dark outside - I ask myself do I really want or need to get up now?
I’m really trying to figure out what I like - who I am. Am I morning person? Am I motivated? Can I do this? I’ve been thinking about working on Mental Girl 2. I have a lot of it done. But the first one hasn’t sold enough copies yet. So putting more money into the second one before the first one pays off - well - we’ll see.
I have a lot of feelings and another session coming up. I'm thinking about how much stuff I need to work through. What are my goals? Am I making progress? How I can push myself further? Not too hard though! I don’t like the shovies! (prounounced shove + eeees)
I want to release thoughts which start with “I should”. I take things at a slower pace - I have to be patient with my anxiety - breathe out the nasty thoughts that I’m less than. I would like to release some of those self sabotaging thoughts.
Okay, I wonder what will come up in the session. I hope some of this crap. We’ll see.
Okay, I just need to jump up and down and say Wheeeeeee! Look! Look! Look! My new and improved website looks stunning!
I want to give a special shout out to Supra Keli Jay worked on my website. Wow! He really polished
it up...gave it a whole new makeover...and I'm just thrilled! I think it looks fabulous! Okay....so onward and upward. Onto new adventures and new blogs. Now I can do it all in my new ride (whisper: website)
If you would like to check out some other stuff Supra is working on...check out this cool site.
Well a toast Supra! Thank you so much! Mental Girl and I are super duper happy with the end result.
My website is still currently under construction. I'm patient. But I did decide to continue on with the blogs
and writings. Why not? I hope you don't mind some of the mess. Focus on the words. I'll clean up the rest
Lots of feelings during holiday time. I know a lot of people tend to sort through the attics of their minds,
searching for more answers to riddles, and letting old shit go
You aren't alone. Trust me. I too am doing a lot of house cleaning. It's scary. I've had more sessions with
Ursula. I've blogged about it. Please check it out.
I've got Mental Girl with me. She knows to stay super close.
I hope you all know you aren't alone. Stay close to those who "get you". Stay close to the real YOU, who gets
you. Try not to let the bullshit get you done.
If you need a boost, or want to hang...come on in here. I hope you'll find something to soothe you.