I wake up and I'll do one or even three guided meditations to get me up and out of bed. I've never been a morning person per say. I think it is an acquired taste. When I was young, it was hard for me to get out of bed. It's still takes a little effort and work to get out of bed. The morning just seems to come so quickly. I've just got the bed warm and snuggly, and pop! It's morning. I can hear that rooster crowing. (Nope, not a real rooster). Oh wow, I wonder what life is like when you have a true morning being cacadoodling at the first peek of the sun.
When I do get up early, I actually get a lot done and feel good.
But each morning, I have to remind myself - get up Rebecca - get the grease moving in those joints, - start your day - because slowly I will remember - it's good to get up.
If it were up to me, I'd just keep sleeping. Wait, it is up to me. And I've been getting up!
I get up and feed the pets, stretch, meditate a little more, get dressed and get out for a walk. Then a drive. Sometimes I get a chore in. Sometimes I take our sweet dog with me. If my son is up early too, he'll come with me. Sometimes I go alone. Wow, even as I write this - I need to take a moment. I go alone.
It's surprisingly hard to write this but I'm going to do it. I deserve to feel proud of myself. Anxiety, panic disorder and bouts of agoraphobia ruled the roost around here for over 30 years. My true self said enough! Now, I'm walking and driving a little more and more each day. I should be proud.
But I feel a little scared that anxiety is listening and will scare me again. It tries a lot. I'm learning (with the help of Ursula and my wonderful therapist Richard) the more you talk back to anxiety and prove it wrong, it gets a little testy. "Hey, she is not listening. We need to kick up our game."
And yes, they sure do try almost every morning.
But I talk back now. I talk back with love, kindness, compassion and a lot of courage.
Yep, that's part of my routine.
I use to think everything felt like a test. A test that I couldn't pass. But now, I realize, all of this, it's Life. It's my Life. You have a Life too. It's your Life. I wrote Life with a capital L, because...well I wanted too. Each of us have been given a Life, to learn from, to grow with, to build on and yes, there may be bumps, bruises, ups and downs, sideways and crooked moments to deal with - but I'm starting to believe it isn't that we are being tested...it just simply is Life.
I don't know if that makes sense. I might have to reread this blog in a few days and see if there is more I can write about on this subject. I guess calling everything a test, makes it sound like a punishment or something thrown at us. Well, some tests you take in life we may be excited about because when we pass them we get a reward. So maybe that isn't an awful word.
In any event, (taking a deep breath here), even when the anxiety comes knocking or trying to push me, I can choose to believe it isn't a test. Oooh, maybe if it is some kind of test I put upon myself, it is my True Self saying, that's okay, it just gives us more practice. Yeah. Practice to remind anxiety - nope - you aren't in charge. I am.
I say gently to you dear anxiety, you can come with me, you can even talk to me - I'm not trying to get rid of you. You are a part of me. You are great for reminding me to take an extra jacket, look out for cars, put down my phone while driving, keep an eye an ear out right now - fantastic. But you can't run the show. I'm running the show.
All right...so that's my blog for now.
A toast - to our lives. They mean something. We mean a lot. Hug yourself and be proud of your Life. Hey, if certain experiences are tests - how about this one. Hug yourself. Yeah, it feels weird at first. Then once you do it several times, it feels good. Hug yourself tight.
I've said this before, mostly in tweets. But I think it's important to hug ourselves. I know it may be weird at first. But believe me, you will come to really like it. Why not? You deserve a hug from your true self who is proud of you. (I just gave myself a quick hug)
Here is today's podcast:
Hello there - when I got outside for my walk today I decided today's topic would be about helping ourselves and others. When we begin to help and heal we have a urge and a pull to want to help others. Share the wealth, so to speak. So here it is:
It feels frustrating at times that I still have been managing and working through anxiety every day. I feel better. I've been healing and moving forward. Why does it come back? Anxiety, the emotion, is a part of life at times. It is a legitimate emotion - when warranted. It doesn't have to control my life. This emotion is human.
I'm speaking lovingly with anxiety more and more trying to reassure it that I'm not trying to rid myself of the necessary emotion that is built in to keep me safe. But just to let it know it doesn't have to be standing at attention and ready for battle 24/7. It can stay tucked in my heart and rely on me to keep it safe. It can trust I do listen and I will respond if necessary. I lovingly tell it to stand down and not be active all day long. I want it to rely on me that I can keep us safe at all times.
Here is today's podcast:
Haven't done a podcast in about a week. So here's one:
I started to clean out the garage today. Wow! There was a lot of dust in there. Had my dust mask on. Had my gloves on. And what else did I need? My good self talk working. It's hard to get into a cluttered garage and not have my mind start to think and think and think and think.
Why did I save all this stuff?
How am I going to get through it all?
What is all this stuff?
Oh it's dusty in here!
Well, I started with the loving self talk.
I'm going to start slow.
I'm going to a section at a time.
I will get this done.
I am doing a great job.
I don't need you anxiety to be hard on me about all of this. I need you to keep me safe. Thanks for reminding me to get a dust mask and wear gloves. But you need to be quiet and calm now.
So, I got in there for a little while.
I'm hoping to get rid of stuff and maybe sell some stuff to make a few schmekels.
(schmekels: my made up word - meaning some cash!)
I did a good round today. I got a few boxes ready to sort through and see if I can sell any of it.
Some junk got trashed.
Some of it - well it was nice to see some old friends - memories and things I haven't seen in a while.
It's a step at a time.
It's important to praise myself - especially when I feel the old habits of self criticism lurking.
Don't forget to do that for yourself.
So cheers to getting started on a new project!
Cheers to making a dent in the garage today!
Cheers to schmekels! That's my new made up word.
Hi there. I haven't written or posted anything in a few days. I didn't do any podcasts or write anything. At first, when I realized it has been several days, I got a little blue, thinking am I done with this? So I ask myself, are you done with this website? Not yet. I think it's still a work in progress. Life is a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.
I've been working on myself, A LOT. I spend so much of my day practicing new loving self talk. I take the time to do focus on my family, engage in activities or turn inward to work on myself. So I guess, the website, had to wait a few days. That's a good thing. No need to feel blue.
It is a good thing to take time for ourselves. It's a good thing to work on ourselves. We are worthy of that time.
I also am thinking about where I want to take this website. Do I want to continue doing the podcasts? Do I want to work on book 2? How much time should I devote to each one? All of these take time.
I guess I'll be figuring that out. In the meantime, my healing and health comes first.
I hope you are all well. Keep up the great work. Oh, and hug yourself. Right now. I just did it. A good, wrap around self squeeze.
I've met so many people online who are sharing their stories. They are finding their way. They are helping others. How beautiful! There are TONS of kind people out there willing to help, willing to share, and willing to keep moving forward to ending the stigma - and starting the love for Mental Awareness! Let's keep talking.
Here's my toast to Mental Awareness!
I got up this morning and I had a lot on my mind. It seemed my mind wanted to sneak back to some old programming reminding me of all the things I'm nervous about. Well, mind, I say to you - actually - not mind - the part called anxiety - I say - you can tell me those things - but those are things I haven't conquered....YET. I'm doing great. I've only begun. I've taken steps. I am moving forward. Some forward steps are small - some are leaps - some are cartwheels - and some are just scoots. But I'll tell you one thing - I'm proud of ME! You should be proud of YOU too. Look back at your day and hug yourself for being here, trying again, working through and focusing on healing. That's all YOU!. Well done YOU. Well done Rebecca.