Honestly, with all these dark thoughts trying to make there way into my mind, it's a wonder I'm still going. I'm even in a little awe. I think that's Mental Girl talking. I don't booze up. I'm not over medicating. I get up in the morning. I'm trying to do as much as I can. I'm fucking terrified at times. But I'm still here.
Mental Girl - is that you holding me together? It has to be.
I've got a bunch of things I'm trying to use. I've got recordings I listen to, I talk with friends, I try and exercise when I can and I force myself to eat. Mental Girl - again - thank you for your help.
I'm not sure what the driving force is.....but I'm glad it is pushing me along. There is like a sheepherding dog and he says come on girl....come on.....and he pushes me and pushes me. I'm a mom and I need to be there for him. My family needs me and loves me. I need me. So I guess along with Mental Girl and this great dog - they push me out of bed and say - let's just try this.
Again, I don't have the answers yet. I don't have anything concrete to say - okay try this - this worked perfectly and by the way I'm cured and confident and everything is fabulous! Oh and let me tell you, if I did - I would be writing about it, shouting it from the rooftops and making youtube videos so anyone going through this could follow and get help. Whisper: I sure hope I'm able to do all of that.
Until then - keep reaching out. Keep grabbing for help. Keep grabbing for something to try. Because they hope is that each day I wake up just a little bit stronger, so that when that dog starts to push me - I give him a biscuit and shout out - let's seize the day and run buddy!
I haven't written a blog entry in a while on my own simple page, in my one words. I've been focused more on my healing with Ursula. That has become a huge part of my healing right now. But I forgot. There's me! There's Mental Girl! I don't want to forget all that work. Guess what? I did. I forgot about Mental Girl. I forgot about her strength, her reminders to care for myself, her reminders to like myself...and then...guess what? I fell. Hard. If you have been reading the work with Ursula, then you are aware I am in crisis. Oh dear.
Okay, I don't say that "Oh dear" with lightness. I'm using a little lightness to curb the terrifying, debilitating, overwhelming I'm scared as fuck feelings that have been rising to the surface.
I just ran to get my tea ready, and the little saying attached, said "Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self - respect". Well that's a moment to say - okay - who's listening? Mental Girl, did you do that? Universe. I wanted coffee this morning. I miss my coffee. Every once in a while, I do have a cup. But because I've been panicking so much and feeling so out of sorts - I've been limiting it. I almost made a cup this morning, and I decided my stress tea with lavender might be the better choice.
I've been struggling eating. I've been struggling with nerves so tangled and strong, there are times the only thing I can comfortably get down in my stomach are smoothies, yogurt - stuff I don't have to chew.
I've got all my shit laid out in front of me. My childhood fears. Shit from my past. Fucking terror feelings about the future if I don't get a handle on this.
The minute I relax - a new one crops up. How about - "What you think, you attract". Do you know what that does to a panic disorder/agorgaphobic sufferer. It's as if you are telling them - hey - you know all those thoughts you fear - they are coming because you think them. What!!! What!!!! But I'm sitting and praying and hoping that I'll get through this and learn none of these fears are true. I'm sitting and praying and hoping that I'll relearn how to live a happy life and have the OCD fears, the what if fears, and all the other horror movie thoughts that plague me right now - go away!!!!! Universe I hope you hear that! I'm trying to align with who I really am! Please - don't believe the dark, scary, afraid thoughts.
I had a new thought. Maybe those dark, scary, afraid thoughts want to feel loved. I'm always yelling and cringing from them - maybe they just want to feel loved.
I don't know.
I just know this. This is scary. I need tenderness. I don't know how to "just stop". I realize it will take hard work, practice - a lot of rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat: I am worthy. I am safe. I am allowed to be happy. I am allowed to figure out how to get through this. I am allowed to ask for help.
I have my Lavender Stress tea sitting beside me. I started a journal. If you read my book, you may remember - I'm not a big "journal" writer. But it's been recommending. So okay, I'll give it a whirl.
I'm going to try not to be a perfectionist - but I will hone my skills to try and try and try and try.
For those out there in pain, let's all hold hands. Well I know we aren't sitting next to each other. But let's try to visualize all of us together smiling at each other saying, "We'll figure it out. We'll keep trying until something fits."
Many good thoughts, blessings, and hugs to you all who are getting up each day to try and be better people - try to connect and make sense of this world - and find our place in it!
To Mental Warriors!